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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect dh to put the dc to bed every night?

79 replies

reallyshakenup · 11/08/2014 17:27

I am knackered after spending all day every day with the dcs during the school holidays. Was up at 7am with them, have taken them to the park, played with them, made their breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks, hoovered, done the washing and ironing, as well as a million other drudge tasks and have to leave the house with the dcs in 30 mins to collect dh from the station and bring home. I will then cook a dinner for dh and me, wash up and give the dcs a bath (its bath night). It is my 'turn' (we do alternate nights) to put the dcs to bed so may have an hour to relax in front of the telly before collapsing into bed later to get up and do it all again tomorrow morning.

I am getting really pissed off DH gets in from work, eats a lovely meal prepared by me and then gets to relax for the rest of the evening. Bed time is a stressful event in my house as the dcs act up and it can take ages getting them settled. I just want a break after spending all day with them and would love to tell DH that it is 'his' job during the school hoidays to put them to bed every night as I am worn down with fulltime childcare. (I work term times only).

I know he has been at work all day but at least he gets tea breaks, lunchbreaks and time when he isnt dealing with squabbling children and constant cleaning and cooking! AIBU to ask him to do bedtime everynight for the remaining 3 weeks school holiday?

OP posts:

WillowB · 11/08/2014 19:16

arethereanyleftatall good for you but time I spend with my DC regardless of if it's at the zoo or whatever is not time for me. I am responsible for him. I need to be aware of where he is, what he's doing, sorting out snacks, changing nappies etc. I can see how it gets a bit more relaxing possibly as they get older but it's not until he's in bed asleep that I get quality time to myself.

lessthanBeau · 11/08/2014 19:16

I only work part time, my dh works fulltime and ALWAYS does bath and bed every night, its his time with her, and she loves it, they are very close and I get her all the other time, shes my 2nd generation so to speak and I did all the bed and bath with the older ones as a single parent for a long time, she is his only child so I am happy for him to do a lot of hands on parenting its a great feeling to have total back up from him instead of feeling like I have to do everything.
in fact I am a very lazy mummy these days....

FengMa · 11/08/2014 19:20

My DH is a SAHD. Am on mat leave with DC#2 at the mo but when I'm working fulltime, as long as I can get out of the office in time/my trains aren't screwed, I do bath and bedtime everyday, incl weekends. I do mornings too, except one weekend day when we alternate lie ins - it's the only time I got with DD. Expect we'll go back to that when I go back to work... I don't feel put upon in the slightest.

melissa83 · 11/08/2014 19:22

I dont think he should do it every night but just take it in turns. Its just as lazy you not doing it as him not doing it.

OnlyLovers · 11/08/2014 19:24

YANBU! You should both have the same amount of free time; it's as simple as that.

Can't he cook sometimes? Or bring home ready meals/a takeaway, if that suits your budget/is what you want to eat? Or you could batch-cook (either you, him, or together) so on really knackered nights you just defrost something.

And Daisy, in the school holidays he might be the only person working outside the home but, as the OP makes clear, that doesn't mean the OP is sitting on her arse all day. And as for 'being at home may mean some jobs' and it being easier or less responsible than earning/having a boss/deadline, well that's just bollocks.

FengMa · 11/08/2014 19:34

Ultimately, everyone is saying the same thing but coming out at different places: you've got to pull together as a team in a way that's fair for both of you. Perhaps you just need to sit down and rejig the division of labours and loves to make sure neither of you is getting shafted...

HermioneWeasley · 11/08/2014 19:39

You do alternate nights, that seems fair to me.

Yes, you'll have days when the kids are a nightmare, but he'll have days with a crappy commute or awful day at work. I reckon it balances out.

HKat · 11/08/2014 19:39

Agree with FengMa - and I think some posters are missing the fact her DH does do the bedtime every other night so isn't trying to get out of spending time with his dc. I've worked full time, part time and been on mat leave - and DP and I just split everything between us, stepping in to help when the other needs it.

melissa83 · 11/08/2014 19:42

You cant make him do it every night if hes already doing alternate nights. Hes going to be tired and its hard being at work all day its the physical exhaustion you just dont experience if at home.

CaptainFracasse · 11/08/2014 19:57

One sentence
when he gets back home, everything is shared

Whatever job you are doing, looking after dcs, being in an office you are working so it's only fair to share therefore at the end of the day.
Eg in our house, when one of us puts the dcs in bed, the other is tidying up, put done washing to go etc...

What I absurdly do not agree with is the idea that when you are out and about with your dcs then you are just having fun and it's no work at all
I'm pretty sure that if you say that to a childminder, someone operating a holiday club etc they round to agree with you at all. Even though that's exactly what they do. Playing with children.

CaptainFracasse · 11/08/2014 19:59

melissa do touvreallynyhibknthetebis no physical tiredness linked with being at home with dcs? Whereas it is physically tiring to be sat at work in an office??

What on earth do you do with your dcs all day? Because there is one thing that looking after children is: physical.

Unless they are nearly teenagers and then you can just leave them in their room for hours wo hearing a pip. That's notbthe case if the OP though.

Scrumbled · 11/08/2014 20:00

I'd be expecting him o do so,ethg every night. When yuo do the kids, he cooks, washes up, or whateverneeds. to be done. When he does the kids, you wash up etc. Then you both get to relax the sme time.

CaptainFracasse · 11/08/2014 20:02

I would point out though that sharing things at the end if the day doesn't mean doing everything half and half. It can also mean the DH us doing bedtimes whereas the OP is tidying.

From what the OP is saying though, her DH us just relaxing when she puts the dcs in bed.
Is that the case in reverse, ie she is relaxing when he puts the dcs in bed? I have the feeling she is tidying instead.

melissa83 · 11/08/2014 20:05

I suppose it depends on your job. I look after 45 children a day on feet and then do chambermaiding all weekend and dh does manual labour. Some nights after going out at 7.30-6 every day it is hard to keep going to get them down so we tag team it and swap.When Im at home its boring and less stimulating but not body tiring iyswim.

CaptainFracasse · 11/08/2014 20:06

But my understanding is the her DH has a desk job nit a manual one. Or did I get that wrong?

melissa83 · 11/08/2014 20:07

I will say though I would tolerate peeing around if we get in at 6 I expect asleep by 6.30 no arguments. I cant deal with messing around late in the evening.

CaptainFracasse · 11/08/2014 20:17

Beside, for me the issue is to pull together like a team.
It's all well and good to say 'all shared, he us doing half if the evenings so that's enough'
The reality is that some people will find it exhausting to be with young children all day. They would find it easier to be at work. In which case, it's her DH who should do it to ease the weight for her work. (Especially as I suspect he would find it very hard work to do what the OP does)

Other people find it a doddle and then yes why would you ask her DH to step up?

For me, this is similar to when I went through a period of having daily headaches. saying that really DH who was already doing half probably more of the childcare/HW shouldn't step up more to support me would be wrong. I was just functioning enough to go to work. At the end of the day I was in no fit state to do all that. So yes it was crap for him but surely that's what families are for, support each other when things are though? (Of course this doesn't mean that the arrangement should stay like this for ever after!)

flappityfanjos · 11/08/2014 20:25

I'm SAHM to one 4yo, DH works outside the home. He does almost all bedtimes. I do it if he is particularly stressed/tired or is going out. But frankly, if he didn't do bedtime then he'd do no parenting during the week whatsoever. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to have one parenting responsibility on weekdays. Why should he put his feet up before I do?

He doesn't have to worry about any other daily aspects of parenting - about what she's eating, whether she's clean and tidy, whether she has clean clothes, whether she's getting exercise, whether she gets to do a wide range of activities. I gave up my job (meaning I gave up having my own salary, weakened my career prospects, and miss out on a lot of adult company and other rewarding stuff) to deal with those things, and he benefits from that. I'm not on some sort of wondrous free holiday. And while he's doing bedtime, I'm cooking his dinner for him. The one who's done lots of childcare gets a break from that, the one who's done no childcare gets time with his child, and all necessary tasks get done. Sorted.

slithytove · 11/08/2014 20:35

Yes of course Captain, I'm 35 weeks pregnant with a 16 month old and SPD, it's as much as I can do somedays to keep DS fed happy and clean. DH is doing waaaaaay more than half the jobs.

I would say though that for my 30% of the work, it takes me way more effort. Plus it's short term so I'm trying not to feel guilty.

slithytove · 11/08/2014 20:37

Equally, DH knows that when he goes away for work staying in nice hotels with lovely meals and a booze allowance, plus an unbroken nights sleep I will deal with everything at home. But when he gets back I definitely get at least one full day off!

Purplepoodle · 11/08/2014 21:12

Don't know how old your dc are but I just tell mine infront of dh that daddies putting them to bed while mummy cleans kitchen, puts out rubbish ect. Then walk out of sittingroom and leave dh to it mwhahah aha

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 11/08/2014 21:50

The more I think about this, actually, the more I think that OP is being unreasonable. He should deffo be helping (and I still think they should both be doing it together most nights) but to say he should be doing all of them is not only unreasonable but a bit selfish too imho.

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 11/08/2014 22:02

Whoever doesn't cook does bedtimes.

That's the rule in our house, and it works really well.
Dh does bathtime and i tidy up (or read quietly with a cup of tea) and i do bedtime and he cooks.

VinoTime · 11/08/2014 22:30

I'm a single parent so I've always done everything by myself, as well as working anywhere between a 16-40 hour week at work (crappy flexi contract). I can't remember the last time I didn't feel exhausted

However, you're not a single parent. You're married and everything should be shared out equally between you. I don't think asking your dh to do bedtime is at all unreasonable. He's been at work, but so have you. And frankly, I think battling 3 children all day is far more draining

Speak to him and see what he says.

WhatTheFork · 11/08/2014 22:36

DH has done bedtime from day one with ours. They were bf'd and it was his bonding time with them from baby days and has continued on from there. The exception is on the odd occasion he's not at home at bedtime.

gives me the chance to have a sneaky ciggy and wine in the garden

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