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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dh to put the dc to bed every night?

79 replies

reallyshakenup · 11/08/2014 17:27

I am knackered after spending all day every day with the dcs during the school holidays. Was up at 7am with them, have taken them to the park, played with them, made their breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks, hoovered, done the washing and ironing, as well as a million other drudge tasks and have to leave the house with the dcs in 30 mins to collect dh from the station and bring home. I will then cook a dinner for dh and me, wash up and give the dcs a bath (its bath night). It is my 'turn' (we do alternate nights) to put the dcs to bed so may have an hour to relax in front of the telly before collapsing into bed later to get up and do it all again tomorrow morning.

I am getting really pissed off DH gets in from work, eats a lovely meal prepared by me and then gets to relax for the rest of the evening. Bed time is a stressful event in my house as the dcs act up and it can take ages getting them settled. I just want a break after spending all day with them and would love to tell DH that it is 'his' job during the school hoidays to put them to bed every night as I am worn down with fulltime childcare. (I work term times only).

I know he has been at work all day but at least he gets tea breaks, lunchbreaks and time when he isnt dealing with squabbling children and constant cleaning and cooking! AIBU to ask him to do bedtime everynight for the remaining 3 weeks school holiday?

OP posts:
Anomaly · 11/08/2014 18:03

Why is he relaxing when you're still at it and there is more to do? When we both sit down for the evening the drudge work is done. This bit needs to be shared out. Sometimes after a day with the kids I prefer to be the one sorting the kitchen while DH does bath time a break from them of sorts. But neither properly relaxes until we both can.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 11/08/2014 18:07

My dh does shift work so if he's here he does bath/bed for all four. If not he does morning... So all up washed dressed and fed and older two taken to school before he wakes me up. He does it to give me a break partly.. Mainly so that he gets to do some proper/normal stuff with them every day. He has always said bath and bed is his time with them where he gets to chill with them and chat about their days.

I'd give your dh a kick up the are and ask why he doesn't want to parent his kids?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 11/08/2014 18:08

Kick up the arse! Sorry Blush

DaisyFlowerChain · 11/08/2014 18:10

Every other night sounds reasonable if he is the only person working. Being at home may mean some jobs but it's nothing like bearing the responsibility of being the only earner for several people or having a boss and deadlines etc.

Itsfab · 11/08/2014 18:18

When we first had DS DH would take him when he got in and I would cook tea as it was a break from childcare. DH loved it as he had 1-1 with the baby and would bath him 2-3 times a week. He has probably read more stories than me and then as we have had more children he has done just as much as I would be feeding the youngest so he would put the other one then two of them to bed. We don't have set days of who does what. We just do what needs doing. Sometimes I am still doing stuff when DH is chilling but he will do it too when I want him too. I prefer to just get everything done before relaxing, he likes to chill a bit first.

The kids being over excited meaning you can't put a child to bed each needs dealing with. They shouldn't give you extra work and you shouldn't give yourself extra work when you need to deal with them.

Original poster
reallyshakenup · 11/08/2014 18:21

daisy you must have missed the bit of my post where I said I work. I work term time only but still have to do work outside of holidays too. So my DH is not the sole wage earner.

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 11/08/2014 18:31

Could you ask him to do like 5 nights out of 7? In a row? Just while it's the holidays or something. That way you know you have a bit of time to unwind to look forward to? Or do 2 nights then he does three?

ICanSeeTheSun · 11/08/2014 18:31

Make bedtime less stressful.

My DC understand now that if I have to run up and down the stairs because they are fighting and running around then tomorrow plans are canceled. I don't mind them watching tv or looking through a book. But no noise.

Ds don't sleep but at least he will just watch tv

Thefishewife · 11/08/2014 18:33

Yabu I would imagine it's only be cause he works full time your able to stay at home

We take it in turns but mostly he dose it at weekends

Thefishewife · 11/08/2014 18:34

Or who ever works less dose the percentage of child care duties

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 11/08/2014 18:39

Why are you doing bath and bed and doing dinner? Surely whoever is not doing bath time should be doing dinner? You shouldn't be doing both.

If DH does bath time I cook, and vica versa.

Cheeky76890 · 11/08/2014 18:46

Doing bath bed dinner cleaning dinner away is far to much when two of you are at home.

RonaldMcDonald · 11/08/2014 18:46

YABU and so is he but it is probably bad communication of needs.

Do week on week off.
Make food alternately too ie the week you do bed and bath the other cooks
You both work, share

maninawomansworld · 11/08/2014 18:49

It depends whether your DH has a cushy job or whether he arrives home every night absolutely spent.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/08/2014 18:50

This is one of the debates on mn which fir me operates in a parallel universe. I'm a sahm, there is no way on earth that I think dh should have to do childcare or cleaning. He works all day, whilst I go to the zoo, the beach, out for lunch, for a bike ride etc with my children whom I love spending time with. With my friends and their kids too. I 'work' from about 8 till about 10 doing the cleaning, breakfasts, picnic lunch. We then go and gave fun. I then 'work' from about 5 till 8 doing tea, finish cleaning and bedtime. So, about 5 hours 'work' a day. Dh does 8. So, yes he can have his beer at 7 whilst I'm still 'working', but then I had my time off all afternoon. Yabu, I don't get it, sorry.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 11/08/2014 18:58

We alternate evenings. One night I do story and bed whilst dp tidies, does dinner and makes lunch for the next day. Next night we swap.

Bath is every 2 or 3 nights, definitely not every night. We take dc up for the bath together and one does bath while the other cleans the bathroom / puts washing away / tidies upstairs.

We both work full time, similar jobs and similar hours.

Can you pinpoint why bedtime is so stressful? Can we help with that? saying that sometimes I sit on the stairs and text dp to bring me a gin

zumby · 11/08/2014 19:00

I totally understand - in my house DH comes in at 6pm and it is his "shift" until 7. She takes them both upstairs, gets them ready for bed totally, whilst I MN relax, then at 7, I go up and put one to bed whilst DH does the other.

I just need an hour down time before I am ready to cope with the rigours of bedtime :)

Sassyb0703 · 11/08/2014 19:00

I agree with icanseethesun the key to this is stopping bedtime being stressful. Maybe some firmer boundaries needed. Bath, story, bed. end of...bedtime is bedtime and you both need some relax time. Up and down all evening is not on. A couple of days of sanctions for not staying in bed should fix the problem. I had 4 under 8 at one time and would have gone insane with bedtime shenanigans as this was the END of my day. Nyabu to expect help but you do need to be less accepting of it 'being stressful'.

gamescompendium · 11/08/2014 19:01

RTFT Thefishewife (or even just the OP). OP does work but term time only.

OP, I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to do bedtime during the week. Maybe while you cook the tea? Because at the moment he's treating the school holidays like he's gone back to the 1950s and because he's out at work he seems to think his responsibilities end at the door.

Why don't you do that survey MN had last week about who does what, make him realise how little he is doing at the moment. How about going out for the day, by yourself, on Saturday and leaving him to it, maybe for the same amount of time that he is out of the house on a weekday.

DH always does bedtime in this house, and does the schoolrun every day as well. He also does half the cooking, a lot of the tidying and has been know to do some of the clothes washing as well.

How about getting a cleaner or using a laundry or an ironing service to reduce the housework?

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 11/08/2014 19:05

Ooh, what survey games??

crazykat · 11/08/2014 19:05

I'm a SAHM and student. I do most childcare, night feeding, cooking, cleaning and shopping.

DH works long hours but when he's not working away he takes the kids upstairs when he gets in. He gets showered and changed then gets the kids showered and in bed while I tidy toys away and make our dinner and the pack ups for the next day.

He's been working away for the past couple of months and by the time he gets home on Friday I'm totally knackered, especially since the holidays have started and its pretty much been me and the kids 24/7. I live for Fridays at the moment.

slithytove · 11/08/2014 19:07

It's so simple.

When the wohp is home, everything is shared.

Then you sit down to relax together.

It's not like you are sitting around in the day chilling out.

WillowB · 11/08/2014 19:09

A bit Hmm about the 'he's the main earner bearing all the responsibility...' I work term time only and believe me being at work is a break compared to school holidays! Lunch breaks, coffee breaks, sitting in meetings... Nothing like caring for a boisterous toddler from 7 till 7 it's unrelenting. Work is a break!!

HKat · 11/08/2014 19:09

But op doesn't do bedtime every night, it's every other. I do agree he should help cooking on his alternate nights but other than that, yabu. He works all day too and so how is it fair you get up chill every single night and he carries on working every single night? If you're having a particularly shit day then sure he should step out if the routine and help. But every night?

morethanpotatoprints · 11/08/2014 19:15

I think its sad that a dad wouldn't want to do this tbh.
If they are there and you have had the kids all day you think they'd want to give you a break.
I suppose it depends on your love life too, when dh was putting kids to bed I'd have a bath/shower, relax, stop being mum because I'd done that all day, then I could be me. I never felt like it if I was just mum all the time.
Obviously, there are times when they are too knackered or they aren't home in time but on the whole they should have a relationship with their dc, they're only little for a short space of time.