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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for Ideas how to punish my 15 year old 2nd Daughter for being horrible to her elder sister and rude and demeaning to me.

89 replies

smokepole · 11/08/2014 17:23

I have recently posted about my DD2s behaviour in upsetting DD1 about her school and demeaning her potential University and course . The worst part is she is now calling me 'Thick' and an embarrassment because I don't have a degree from a top University like all her friends parents and that I have to do an OU one because I have no qualifications .

She said 'Sorry' about an earlier outburst, but she is at again calling me , DD1 and her friends.

How can I shut her up?

She has never been like this before.

OP posts:

Original poster

smokepole · 11/08/2014 18:36

Really Tired. DD2 is going in to year 11, her predicted grades are 4 A* 4 As and 2Bs, slightly better than what DD1 got from a 'Modern'. However, these are predicted and still require hard work and improvement from her. It also goes to show how random the 11+ is because I honestly believe No 1 is at least as bright as No2.

The behaviour is new to me , I have not seen this type of behaviour from here previously. I am going to ask her form teacher if she or the other teachers, could have a word with her or have they noticed any form of 'stress'.

OP posts:

suenanlostamboresdelarebelion · 11/08/2014 18:53

She sounds like she is under stress, but this is not an acceptable way for her to let it out. I think the suggestions to talk it through with her, and talk to the school about it are good. But that can probably only happen once she is more open to really listening and talking.

Congratulations on getting on a OU degreee. And I wish you all the best with it. It is a great achievement to do something like that and also be a parent. Of course OU doesn't equal inferior, in some fields it has some of the most outstanding academics.

And forensic science at leicester is also a top choice for a non-traditional course. I worked for the police, and it was often the less traditional universities who were more open to teach new subjects, engage with what the workforce needed etc. What an exciting career choice!

Don't give dd2's bad behaviour too much attention, or let it distract you from what are great achievements for dd1 and yourself. It's a time for you to celebrate the new stage of your lives. dd2 is probably struggling with that, and the change it involves. But her time will come soon.

drudgetrudy · 11/08/2014 19:03

I do think that it is highly likely that some very competitive friend is putting her down in some way and may even have made comments about her family.
She may be worried about her own academic progress and have very high expectations of herself.
She may be in competition with her sister-having felt she was "winning" because she went to Grammar school-and now sister is doing very well.
Avoid giving too much kudos to academic acheivement.
This all needs exploring.

Are your sure her comments to her sister about OU degree were meant in a nasty way?

Any nastiness and lack of respect needs firm handling though, whatever the reason.

Mrsjayy · 11/08/2014 19:07

Laugh at her and tell her she is welcome to go and live with anyone of her degreed friends parents and dont let the door hit you on the way out, cheeky mare

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 11/08/2014 19:11

I think respectfully your family need to shut the fuck up about education and all go out got a nice family meal, DVD movie night and chill.

Sounds like a lot of unhealthy competition and bratty behaviour here.

As for your dd tell her if she speaks to you like that again she can fuck off for lifts/ money/meals cooked or washing done.

Then start fresh.

BOFster · 11/08/2014 19:13

All this stuff about grades and schools and universities is irrelevant. Her rudeness is the issue. In your shoes, I would ignore the remark in front if her friend (although I daresay my demeanour would have turned somewhat frosty), and speak to her privately later about how disappointing you find her putting down the family that love her, and you didn't think you had raised her to be unkind and cruel. Perhaps you are coming across as very hung up about academic success, and that is rubbing off- I don't know, I haven't seen your posts on the subject- but the thing to be concerned about is what kind of person you hope her to grow into, not what grades she gets or which school she attends.

BOFster · 11/08/2014 19:13

of her friend, typo.

CaptainFracasse · 11/08/2014 19:22

Maybe a good way to tackle it is to say the important bit is to do the best you can. Everyone can do different things, has things that they excell in and they aren't always academic things.
I would be weary of diminishing the importance of school/Uni. But I have also always avoided any competition between the dcs. Abilities and success aren't just measured with how good your Alevels are and which Uni you are coming out of.

CaptainFracasse · 11/08/2014 19:23

I would also have a word with her about what it means to be successful. You might learn a lot from that.

Ninjabread · 11/08/2014 19:32

Change the wireless password to onlythickpeoplegetaccess

Original poster

smokepole · 11/08/2014 19:39

Suen. 'Sadly' I am only just starting an OU Degree in September, my First Module will be DD 102 from Social Science.

The OU degree remarks we not aimed at DD1, but at me a kind of put down, because prior to Niece no1 no one from the family had been to University ( though my sister should have gone but didn't to 'spite' mother and her grammar school).

The reason I get uptight is because I have always felt academically inferior and perhaps, I have put too much importance that my children should never feel the same.

I also have to 'admire' DD1 who despite my begging refused to go to the grammar in year 9 when a place became available . She also would not contemplate leaving her school for sixth form.

OP posts:

Pumpkinpositive · 11/08/2014 19:43

I agree with queenofthemountain. Not sure how you concluded your daughter was trying to upset you from what sounds like a fairly bland remark. Of course, you were there and will know the tone of voice used.

Like another poster, I remember other threads you've started without the need to hunt for them. You strike me as overly fixated on league tables, results, salaries, top schools and universities.

It would hardly be surprising if this preoccupation is rubbing off on your daughter.

ADHDNoodles · 11/08/2014 19:55

If this is new behavior, it is alarming. Not because of how she's acting, but because of the drastic change. Something is going on, be it stress, bullying, or otherwise.

Honestly, I'd take her to a counselor. Let her unload there. If it's something deeper, they can help her. If it's just stress they can teach her how to handle it in a healthy way.

In the mean time, if she is trying to get a reaction, I wouldn't give her one. Next time she makes a remark about universities just be breezy and tell her different people choose different paths and are still successful.

jellybeans · 11/08/2014 19:57

One of my DC says nasty things and it can be very hard. My other 4 are a walk in the park compared!! She is very feisty and independant and extremely selfish. I would refuse to cook and wash clothes for her if she didn't respect me (let her do her own) or would take away privileges (usually tablet/phone contract/laptop etc). They have to learn it is unacceptable to treat people like dirt and then expect them to do things for them. And also to not say hurtful things. Just because you are a 'teen' or related to someone doesn't give you the right to be mean/.nasty etc. Mine is 17 now and I am hoping uni will sort her out!!

gordyslovesheep · 11/08/2014 20:01

give her this

To ask for Ideas how to punish my 15 year old 2nd Daughter for being horrible to her elder sister and rude and demeaning to me.

thatsn0tmyname · 11/08/2014 20:04

I agree that it sounds like her 'friends' have been nasty to her and she's passing on the hate. A proper talk is needed to get to the root of the problem as she' s deflecting onto you which isn't fair

CaptainFracasse · 11/08/2014 20:05

It's all in the tone isn't it? How a dimevremark can be a put diwn with the right expression on the face and re right tone if voice.

And clearly it was meant like this if her friend picked up on that too.

AppleAndMelon · 11/08/2014 20:07

Maybe find out why she is so angry.

AgesOfAquarius · 11/08/2014 20:07

Well you tell her that my 15 year old DS tells me that I am one of the most intelligent people that he knows and that he's proud of me for having graduated with an OU degree this year.
Withdraw taxi services to take her places that she wants to go? If she can't respect you then you aren't going to take her places are you?

lljkk · 11/08/2014 20:13

Suitable response = "Oi! The OU student in this household will be keeping you in ice buns and clean knickers for a few years yet, so Shut It and be Grateful, Sunshine." (delivered with ).

dangly131 · 11/08/2014 20:30

Will you be supporting their university fees/living costs? I would just remind her of this if so, should she wish it to still be the case!

Marmiteandjamislush · 11/08/2014 20:34

Could she be being bullied and is trying to communicate that to you? Maybe her friends are taking the piss and she is misguidedly reflecting that on to you and your elder daughter? I say that because I come from a very academic background and group of friends, but can honestly say that I didn't know who's parents had what degree at that age. It wasn't an issue, so nobody cared, if you get me? It was discussed as we got older because we asked each others' parents re. advice as to best courses and entry into fields etc. Perhaps she was saying how well her sister is doing to friends and they took the mick? Don't forget teenage girls can be very cruel to each other. I would talk to her before you flip your lid. YANBU to be upset by the behaviour though, whatever the reason.

Marmiteandjamislush · 11/08/2014 20:36

Gordy Mine are still littlies but I have to get 2 of those in preparation for what is to come!

Original poster

smokepole · 11/08/2014 20:44

Iljkk. Thanks I agree with you.

She has now come up to me and started putting her arms round me asking for a cuddle. She is very Sorry for her behaviour towards me and that both me and her sister, are the greatest people in the world. She understands that she has hurt her sister massively and made me 'Angry' that she would disrespect the family even to her best friend. Julie has just telephoned me to apologize for laughing, I told her she had to say sorry to DD1 which she has done ( DD1 has accepted the apology with good grace).
Meanwhile DD2 is all over DD1 ( Grovelling) .

I have told DD2 her behaviour today was unacceptable. There are no circumstances when it is right to take out your problems or worries on the people who love you. She has just said I love you and my fantastic Sister.

OP posts:

drudgetrudy · 11/08/2014 21:31

I think there is more to this-I would give her the cuddle but ask her if something is bothering her and why she felt the need to be so nasty with you and her sister.
I think I would actually ask her if the girls at school talk to each other like this and see what she says.
You also have the oppotunity to explore what success means to her

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