To not have MIL's dog in the house

[NoRoomForALittleOne]

We have 4 DCs and three of them are scared of dogs. DD2 will scream and run off if she even has to walk on the same side of the road as a dog on a lead. DD1 used to be like but has grown out of the phase in her own time. MIL knows exactly what the DCs are like around dogs but has decided to get a puppy anyway. The puppy is very good for her and I'm pleased it is working out well after her months of deliberation.

However, MIL has now asked to visit. We said that we can accommodate her but not the dog. I have said to DH before any conversations with MIL that I do not want a dog in the house for several reasons (mainly respecting the DCs and wanting them to feel safe in their own home but also not wanting dog smell/dog hair/dog in our kitchen and dining room/dog on our £900 carpet ). DH did not make this super-crystal clear to his DM so now she wants to stay in a b&b and bring the dog with her to our house during the day. I should add that the dog has already wrecked her garden so I'm not happy to have the dog out there.

I am not happy. I am not a dog-lover. I don't particularly want a dog in my home. DH thinks that IABU and it's only because it is MIL. He is trying to talk me round rather than talk to his mum. MIL has left the dog with a friend before. I would like her to do that again. There is no way that our children will actually get her attention if she has the dog with her and she says that she wants to visit to see the children. She also wants to being her friend and her friend's dog too.

So AIBU to say no dog in the house/garden at the moment? And AIBU to get DH to talk to his mother as he is the one who wasn't clear in the first place? I am already the evil DiL who stole her son away.

Phaedra, earlier in the thread the OP said she has made arrangements for her DC to meet the well-behaved dog of one of her friends, so they can gradually overcome that fear. It's a long thread, so it would be easy to miss that one reply, but she is trying.

Flooding therapy sounds absolutely sadistic to me.

YADNBU. It's YOUR house.

YANBU not like dogs, but YABU for your dislike to create an irrational fear in your children. Also YABVU to want your DH to put on a 'united front' because that's not how he feels and you are asking him to lie to his mother, and why should he 'man up' and deal with the problem. It's your problem, you deal with it.

Agree with Piper

Finney I know your little boy is only 3 and how you deal with his understandable fear is up to you. But please try to encourage him to stand still and call to you if a dog approaches him rather than running. Dogs see it as playing and may pursue him. I have (smallish) dogs myself and have had to fight a strong instinct to run when encountering dogs I have not felt comfortable being near for whatever reason. So I know it's easier said than done but friendly or not, a dog following your boy as he runs back to you would not be at all ideal.

Why don't you find a local (to you) boarding kennel or home boarder who can keep the pup and mil can visit it every day?

I have already said that if you don't want a dog in your house YANBU and it is entirely your choice.

However I find it strange that some posters would not want to help children get over fears (not you OP).

It is irrational to be terrified of all dogs, although appropriate to be wary of strange dogs and not to approach them-it is also irrational to be terrified of most spiders. It isn't very nice to be frightened either and I am sympathetic to phobias.
I am not an amateur shrink.
Once at work I heard a Clinical Psychologist using flooding therapy with spiders-the child was hysterical and it is something I would never have done or allowed anyone to do with my child.
However I would definitely do graded exposure and a puppy is less threatening than a full grown dog.

Thanks Alisvolatpropiis, I'll do that.

Drudgetrudy I think we'll have to disagree on your point that the fear of dogs is irrational. I think being scared of dogs, when one has previously bitten your face, requiring surgery, is completely rational. It was unprovoked and was caused by a woman who allowed her dog to come bounding up to us, shouting 'oh, he won't bite'. He did. You just never know, do you?

I am actually feeling a bit sorry for your mil here. Yes the gog would probably leave hair on carpet but does that really matter in the long scheme of things.
Puppies are usually full of fun and love so might it not be good fo your dc to help them get over their fears?
After all its a bit hard if you cannot visit her with the dc and shde c ant visit you without the dog.

i would stop making such a big effort with her since she clearly doesn't appreciate it. make an effort, but don't bend backwards.

certainly don't have the dog. put your dc's first. if they have an issue with dogs, don't invite one into your home.

her renting a cottage is an excellent idea. you can pop round with the kids and leave when it suits you.

of course your dh would rather upset you than her. we are all much more sensitive to our mother's disapproval. tis a normal survival technique. however now he's a grown man, he's going to find his cahonas. at least in a roundabout way he has started doing that.

You are perfectly justified in not having dogs in your house and garden.
But.....you have serious issues with dogs and this is why your children are scared of them.
What will happen if you visit her house with the dog in residence?

OP,call me a cynical old stick,but bringing the friend and ANOTHER DOG,sounds as if she wants to play 'therapist',to try and get your toddler over his fear of dogs.

We adore animals,but would not dream of taking dogs to other peoples homes or gardens.

Yanbu, your children's right to feel safe in their own home is far greater than the wish of a selfish, entitled dog owner to inflict their pet on them. Only an astoundingly self absorbed, uncaring bitch would want to petrify their grandchildren in their own home with their biggest phobia.

Also dogs smell disgusting, shed hair and can scratch up your furniture/doors etc, you are not obliged to stink up your house, create hours of extra housework and potentially cause hundreds/thousands in damages for anyone.

The world doesn't and shouldn't revolve around dog owners, your children come first and you a close second as you'll be dealing with the consequences.

I have dogs, but would never take them to other people's houses, unless expressly invited to.

I also don't have MIL's dogs in my house as they are huge, hairy and smelly and they can stay in the garden when PILs visit.

YANBU - I have two dogs who are extremely important to me and am generally dog mad to the extent that I regularly go and pick up strange dogs to move them to rescue places.

Even with all this, I never ever ever assume they are welcome in anyone's house or garden (even if they have dogs) and do not ask to bring them. I am very grateful to the family members that have specifically invited them and made them welcome but do not expect it. I understand that not everyone likes dogs, or they may like them well enough but not want their fur etc in their home. If there were resident children who are fearful of dogs I wouldn't bring them even if invited.

The dog was your MIL's choice and it sounds as if she has someone able to look after her dog while she visits. Stand your ground. To be honest I think your DH should take on board your strength of feeling on this and present a united front to MIL. You are quite right that suddenly having a dog in her home will not help your DD's fears. For what it's worth I was quite terrified of dogs when I was a child. You plan for her to meet your friend's dog is great. You might also want to teach her how to "be a tree" if she is scared of a dog: Be A Tree

I love dogs and have always had them around but I have never asked to take them to anyone else's house. YANBU about Mil's dog and as for the friend's dog that is just ridiculous.

As an aside a puppy is not the best choice for children scared of dogs as puppies tend to be very energetic, they jump up and they mouth, all of which can be quite frightening for someone who is scared of dogs. Ideally you want an older dog with a very good down/stay command. The owner has the dog on a lead, asks it to do a down/stay a long way off from your child and then your child can chose how close she wants to get to the dog and when to back away again if she is feeling insecure.