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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have MIL's dog in the house

91 replies

NoRoomForALittleOne · 10/08/2014 19:59

We have 4 DCs and three of them are scared of dogs. DD2 will scream and run off if she even has to walk on the same side of the road as a dog on a lead. DD1 used to be like but has grown out of the phase in her own time. MIL knows exactly what the DCs are like around dogs but has decided to get a puppy anyway. The puppy is very good for her and I'm pleased it is working out well after her months of deliberation.

However, MIL has now asked to visit. We said that we can accommodate her but not the dog. I have said to DH before any conversations with MIL that I do not want a dog in the house for several reasons (mainly respecting the DCs and wanting them to feel safe in their own home but also not wanting dog smell/dog hair/dog in our kitchen and dining room/dog on our £900 carpet ). DH did not make this super-crystal clear to his DM so now she wants to stay in a b&b and bring the dog with her to our house during the day. I should add that the dog has already wrecked her garden so I'm not happy to have the dog out there.

I am not happy. I am not a dog-lover. I don't particularly want a dog in my home. DH thinks that IABU and it's only because it is MIL. He is trying to talk me round rather than talk to his mum. MIL has left the dog with a friend before. I would like her to do that again. There is no way that our children will actually get her attention if she has the dog with her and she says that she wants to visit to see the children. She also wants to being her friend and her friend's dog too.

So AIBU to say no dog in the house/garden at the moment? And AIBU to get DH to talk to his mother as he is the one who wasn't clear in the first place? I am already the evil DiL who stole her son away.

OP posts:

ADishBestEatenCold · 10/08/2014 21:00

Cross post.

Have just seen that your DH has 'done it'.

"He did start by saying "I've been talking with Room and apparently DD2 has been getting much worse..." Which annoys me as I'm still getting the blame and it sounds like he doesn't believe me."

I think that's fair enough. It was your decision, you left him to tell her, but if you had told her yourself you could have told her in whatever way best suited you.

Your DH's idea sounds like a good one and I hope you all have a great time during her visit.

BravePotato · 10/08/2014 21:11

I think yabu, and you don't like your MIL and it is partly to do with that.

Also you are encouraging the kids fear of dogs.

You can have rules, like keeping the dog in the kitchen (not on the $$$ carpets).

It is good to try and be flexible and accommodating IMO

Takver · 10/08/2014 21:17

YA Definitely NOT BU. I have a dog - there's no way on god's earth I'd expect to take him to someone else's house unless very specifically invited.

I don't expect other people to bring their dogs to my house, and I wouldn't take him to theirs. (Obviously guide dogs / assistance dogs are different, but they are so well trained it isn't in any way the same thing.)

Chiana · 10/08/2014 21:25

BravePotato, the OP has already said she's arranged for her DC to be exposed to her friend's well behaved dog. It sounds like she's trying to overcome their fear of dogs. But having one in their home morning, noon and night for a week, particularly a rambunctious one, isn't the sort of limited exposure that will help them.

passmethewineplease · 10/08/2014 21:31

YANBU.

If it was day for a day then I would say maybe reach a compromise, but a whole week?

I think that's taking the piss a bit.

It annoys me when people get these animals without thinking what they'd do if they were away and expect everybody else to accommodate them. These things should be thought of before having a pet!

I completely agree with how you're trying to get your DC used to dogs too and think that is a far sensible way tbh.

lampygirl · 10/08/2014 22:15

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable and that is as a dog owner with a almost 7 month old pup, who's spent 5 months not visiting many friends because I need to get home for the dog and I don't want to impose her on anyone else though she's usually the reason we get invited to the friends we do see. With an experienced 'finding a home for a pet' hat on, I will say that you (or MIL, whoever is picking the date) will need to be flexible on dates. Many kennels don't take puppies below a certain age, and having just tried to arrange kennelling for mine for a one off Sunday in 2 weeks time, I can't get space anywhere local enough to be worth it so I'm having to bribe my mother. She might have a hard time finding alternative care if your requirement is a week in the school holiday period. If it is you/your DH who wants the visit you may do well to offer to contribute to the cost of alternative care

Agggghast · 10/08/2014 22:17

Most people seem to think your decision is fine but why should your DH have to express an opinion that is not his own? I do wonder why so many women think MIL is always wrong and DH is supposed to support their POV. If he agrees great but if he doesn't tell her yourself. My MIL and I dis not always agree but we always discussed it ourselves. If it is important say so. If it is not important enough to speak out dont make a fuss.

DameEdnasBridesmaid · 10/08/2014 22:50

YADNBU I wouldn't have a dog in my house no matter who it belonged to. It's very rude of your MIL to expect it.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 10/08/2014 23:05

YANBU
DH and DD1 aren't fond of dogs and I wouldn't want dog hair on my carpet or dog shit (even if cleaned up instantly) on my lawn.

There are things called kennels.

My DMIL wouldn't have brought her distructive, if amusing cats, I don't see why yours thinks she should bring her dog.

As for parents fear rubbing off on their DCs. It's my totally level headed, has non of her dad's stressy edges DD1 who doesn't like dogs for no reason whatsoever. DD2, who is far more like DH loves them and takes DF's for walks. It makes no sense.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 10/08/2014 23:12

Oh I luffs dogs and cats but it's your house and you are totally reasonable and within your rights to not want one in your own house.
Why should you.

Mil needs to use the kennels or a friend.

Finney2 · 10/08/2014 23:16

There's no way I'd let a dog in my house. They smell and when they're gone, you can still smell them.

My eldest is scared of dogs because one bit him. I have no intention of forcing him to 'get over ' this perfectly rational fear. Liking dogs is not compulsory. If he encounters one while we're out and about, he just runs away and comes to find me. He's ony 3. There's no way I'm going to arse about gently trying to introduce him to dogs just to make dog owners feel like it's ok to let their dogs walk up and sniff / jump up at my children.

mollypup · 10/08/2014 23:20

Finney2, that's ridiculous. Regardless of it being a rational fear, surely you should at least try to help him get over it? Of course liking dogs is not compulsory, but if he is still running away from them in his mid 20's, well, that's just a bit weird.

slithytove · 10/08/2014 23:25

I really don't get this massive hoo ha about dogs. A child has been bitten, the mum sees no need to cajole him into not being scared (for all we know, this is the sensible route, it will prevent being bitten in future), yet some think this is ridiculous?

There isn't the same need to force people not to be scared of pigeons, clowns, cats, spiders etc, so why dogs?

As long as the fearful keep away and the dog owners respect that, there is no problem. And who cares if a 20 year old is scared of dogs.

drudgetrudy · 10/08/2014 23:28

If you don't want the dog in the house that is entirely up to you and is not unreasonable.

However the cure for a fear is exposure and exposure to a puppy would most likely get your children over their fear

Finney2 · 10/08/2014 23:31

As I said Molly, he's only 3. Running away from something you're scared of at that age is normal. There's no way I'm forcing him to go anywhere near a dog at the moment. I may review it as he gets older but I'm sure by then he'll have learned to just ignore dogs if he still doesn't like them.

FWIW I'm in my 30s and have always successfully avoided dogs. I was also bitten as a child but I'm not particularly scared of them, I just think they smell, carry germs, are not 100 percent trustworthy around people, are treated like they are humans by many owners... I could go on!

drudgetrudy · 10/08/2014 23:31

slithytove
I would think people would want to overcome any phobia-it would make life easier in the long run-especially things that you may encounter frequently.

Finney2 · 10/08/2014 23:33

Drudgetrudy that is ludicrous. The cure for a fear is not exposure.

Finney2 · 10/08/2014 23:33

And it's not a phobia if its a rational fear drudgetrudy.

slithytove · 10/08/2014 23:39

Phobia or fear. No one has to overcome them.

Especially when they don't impact on day to day life, and a fear of dogs doesn't have to.

I can't remember the last time I was near a dog. Another one here who successfully avoids them.

And as for my phobia - doesn't impact my day to day life at all, I don't need to put myself through misery or expense trying to get past it.

achtunglady · 10/08/2014 23:54

YADNBU!

Nothing on this earth would persuade me to have a dog in my home! I'm absolutely not a dog lover and have a fear of them. I can cope being around certain ones but am always wary / on edge. Why would I want that in my own home??? I'm also very allergic, but that's another issue altogether.

And my fear is my own business, it's not for anyone to cure me of. I generally manage to avoid dogs by not going to places that people walk them. Its really quite easy. And I am exposed to dogs I know, but am still scared of them.

Actually, it pisses me off that people seem to have an obsession with curing people of dog phobias. Most people I know are scared of spiders but I don't insist on waving spiders at them to cure them.

Ultimately if it were the OP herself with the fear then I think people would be more inclined to say the dog shouldn't come than they have been with it being her child. Quite why a child's fear doesn't seem to hold the same merit as an adults I don't kno.

However, I do agree that the DH should not have to tell his mother anything

maninawomansworld · 10/08/2014 23:57

YANBU. You don't want your lovely home wrecked by a dog, I get that. Tell her no way and that's that.
As for the DC's the fear of dogs must have come from somewhere, there are a lot of dogs in this country and they will encounter them from time to time so it would be a really good thing if you could help them in some way with this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/08/2014 23:59

OP, I also think the suggestion that she take a cottage for the week is a good one, and I'm glad your husband has now "been quite firm that the idea of a dog in our home is a no-go".

Could I just ask about a couple of things that you've mentioned?

"She also wants to being her friend and her friend's dog too."
WTF? She's coming to see her grandchildren, why does she want a friend in tow? With yet another dog?

"all I get is comments about how I take him away from her and his dsis."
For TEN YEARS now ? I'd really have to pick her up on that one. Perhaps along the lines of 'So you'd rather he stay with you, single. And then when you die, they can be left alone with no-one to care for them when they're old and maybe ill. Is that really what you want for your children? A lonely, loveless, childless life? '.

No effing way would I let her away with that shit.

drudgetrudy · 10/08/2014 23:59

Well that's how psychologists treat fears and phobias-either gradual, graded exposure or flooding therapy.
Personally I think flooding therapy is cruel but some behavioural psychologists say its quicker and more effective.
If someone doesn't wish to get over a phobia its their choice.
I hate theme park rides (scared) and I don't go on them-but if I needed to get over it exposure and relaxation techniques would be the way.

Andrewofgg · 11/08/2014 01:33

YANBU and ignore the amateur shrinks who are telling you that it will be good for DCs - it won't. Love me, love my dog is an amusing slogan but it is bollocks in your own home. Just say No and mean it.

PhaedraIsMyName · 11/08/2014 01:49

I'm very puzzled that OP doesn't seem at all bothered by her children's extreme reaction to dogs even ones on leads. I don't much like dogs but there's a lot of mostly harmless dogs out and about in every day life mostly on leads.

Seems terribly odd just to accept it's fine for her daughter to carry on being terrified until she grows out of it.

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