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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have MIL's dog in the house

91 replies

NoRoomForALittleOne · 10/08/2014 19:59

We have 4 DCs and three of them are scared of dogs. DD2 will scream and run off if she even has to walk on the same side of the road as a dog on a lead. DD1 used to be like but has grown out of the phase in her own time. MIL knows exactly what the DCs are like around dogs but has decided to get a puppy anyway. The puppy is very good for her and I'm pleased it is working out well after her months of deliberation.

However, MIL has now asked to visit. We said that we can accommodate her but not the dog. I have said to DH before any conversations with MIL that I do not want a dog in the house for several reasons (mainly respecting the DCs and wanting them to feel safe in their own home but also not wanting dog smell/dog hair/dog in our kitchen and dining room/dog on our £900 carpet ). DH did not make this super-crystal clear to his DM so now she wants to stay in a b&b and bring the dog with her to our house during the day. I should add that the dog has already wrecked her garden so I'm not happy to have the dog out there.

I am not happy. I am not a dog-lover. I don't particularly want a dog in my home. DH thinks that IABU and it's only because it is MIL. He is trying to talk me round rather than talk to his mum. MIL has left the dog with a friend before. I would like her to do that again. There is no way that our children will actually get her attention if she has the dog with her and she says that she wants to visit to see the children. She also wants to being her friend and her friend's dog too.

So AIBU to say no dog in the house/garden at the moment? And AIBU to get DH to talk to his mother as he is the one who wasn't clear in the first place? I am already the evil DiL who stole her son away.

OP posts:

kilmuir · 10/08/2014 20:22

Your house and entitled to say no. But your childrens reaction is ott.

Original poster

NoRoomForALittleOne · 10/08/2014 20:22

Oh and MiL is very welcome to stay even though we will be giving her our bedroom. That's not a problem at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoRoomForALittleOne · 10/08/2014 20:23

I know my child's reaction is OTT but I'm not going to be insensitive to her or make her feel like I don't respect her feelings. I would rather she felt secure.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 10/08/2014 20:24

call her, do'nt leave it to DH to sort it, you know he won't. So do it yourself. Then tell him it's sorted. Go get on the phone now, 20:25pm isn't too late to call. Go on, big glass of when it's done.

Alicebannedit · 10/08/2014 20:26

She also wants to bring her friend and her friend's dog too

Sounds to me like someone's taking the piss?

JadeJ123 · 10/08/2014 20:27

Your house your rules, you dont want the dog there tell her, my mil refuses to visit as shes convinced the cats hate and her and that the dogs want to eat her

Chiana · 10/08/2014 20:27

If you don't like dogs and some of your DC are frightened of them, it seems fair enough to specify that MIL should make other arrangements for her dog. I like dogs well enough (we have cats, but I pet dogs I meet in the street), but people who don't like them shouldn't be forced to put up with them.

That said, is there any way you can work with your DC to get them more comfortable around dogs? Do you have a friend with a well-behaved dog who would be willing to give them some limited exposure? I'm just thinking it could get awkward to have kids who are afraid of dogs, particularly as so many people have them out and about.

5madthings · 10/08/2014 20:27

Yanbu and I have just had the same issue with visiting relatives who brought their dog despite knowing I won't allow dogs in the house (don't have terrified children) just don't want the fur, dander, slobbering etc.

Yet still they brought it, dog stayed in the garden yesterday as it was sunny, today it rained so dog stayed in their car and they left earlier than planned due to the weather.

This is an ongoing issue...15yrs and still they try ans bring their dog (not the same dog as it died and has been replaced over the years) it is a complete pita and I get lots of 'oh it's my baby yada yada'.

This time it was, how would you like it if someone invited you to a wedding but said you couldn't bring the children... umm simples I would book childcare and have a good time or if I couldn't then I wouldn't go. I wouldn't turn up at the venue with kids in tow and then moan and fuss that my kids weren't allowed in which is essentially what relative has done.

They are nice relatives btw, madthings love them and I do like them but I don't want dogs in my house (allergic) and my home, my sanctuary, my rules.

ADishBestEatenCold · 10/08/2014 20:29

"Get your DH to man up and tackle this"

How would him tackling this be him 'manning up', Stackladys?

Would he be 'manning up' if he said to his mother
"DW has decided that she does not want your dog in the house mother and, although this is not my decision, DW has told me that I must tell you of her decision"?

Couples don't always agree and, if there is no possible compromise, it is inevitable that one will occasionally override the other, but given that it seems likely that Mrs NoRoomForALittleOne will have the overriding decision here, she should be the one to tell her Mil of her decision, not Mr NoRoomForALittleOne.

ooerrmissus · 10/08/2014 20:30

YANBU. I love dogs but my DS2 is scared of them. I've no idea why but he will try to move away from them if they come near him in the park. I would be very unhappy if someone decided they were going to bring their dog to stay not only because of drool, smell, dog hair etc but because DS2 would be very uncomfortable in his own home.

I love my cat but wouldn't dream of taking him to somebody's house with me.

Agggghast · 10/08/2014 20:30

You do sound like you have a problem with MIL. If your DH does not have a problem with the dog, and I think you need to address your DC's fear, you should be the one to tell her. Why should he present a united front if he disagrees with you? You can't ask him to lie. Why don't you have an honest conversation with her and explain why you don't want the dog? If you have four children you must have known her for a substantial amount of time.

Original poster

NoRoomForALittleOne · 10/08/2014 20:30

For people w

OP posts:

5madthings · 10/08/2014 20:34

Btw the madthings are fine with dogs now but fir ages ds2 was terrified of them, we worked hard to overcome that and he now loves dogs but working to overcome his fear did not involve bringing a dog into his home when he was terrified of them! Ds4 has also had a fear of dogs which we have worked on.

Both boys were scared after big dogs jumped up on them/chased them at local parks.... But of course the dogs were just "being friendly" oddly enough when you are 2/3 Yrs old and a dog bigger than you chases you ans jumps up on you it doesn't seem very 'friendly'!

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 10/08/2014 20:35

YADNBU

The OP isn't saying no to her mil coming. Her MIL chose to get a dog so it's her responsibility to find somewhere for it to stay not to expect to inflict it on the OP and her DC. The DC do need to learn not to be afraid of dogs but a puppy for a weekend is not the time to do it.

Yes, it's her DH's home too but in cases like this I think the person who said no who gets their way...no matter who that is.

I say this as a dog lover and dog owner.

Original poster

NoRoomForALittleOne · 10/08/2014 20:37

For people wondering about the whole MiL issue - she loved me until her DD got divorced shortly before we got married. The night before our wedding she said to DH (clearly in front of me) "it's OK, you don't have to get married if you don't want to. It's not too late to back out"! She was scared of DH getting hurt. That was ten years ago. Since then all I get is comments about how I take him away from her and his dsis. We have had her come and stay with us every Christmas, regularly through the year and for the two years that we lived near her I invited her at least once a week for a meal plus time with the children/us when the children were in bed. I have tried to include her in every family thing going and done things like cook her favourite food/bought her favourite wine to make her feel welcome and part of our family. Still she thinks that I'm rubbish and moans about me to DH (who doesn't want to rock the boat so stays quiet).

OP posts:

Original poster

NoRoomForALittleOne · 10/08/2014 20:39

Oh, and it's not a weekend, it's a week. And, yes I know that I need to help DD2 in particular get used to dogs but the first stage is not going to be in her home. We have arranged to spend time with our friend's dog as a start. I am trying!

OP posts:

Agggghast · 10/08/2014 20:43

I totally agree that you shouldn't have a dog in your house if you don't want one, just think if it matters to you say so and fight your own battles. Your DH should not be made to be in the middle.

Chiana · 10/08/2014 20:46

Good for you, OP, having arranged for DD2 to spend time with a friend's dog. Hopefully it goes well.

A week is a long stretch, even without an ill-behaved dog. Good luck.

slithytove · 10/08/2014 20:47

YANBU.

This would upset me and my cats. If you and DH disagree, someone needs to 'win', there isn't compromise on something like this.

If our PIL wouldn't allow us to bring our cats when we visit, we would either not visit, or would put them in kennels funds permitting. It's their house.

meltedmonterayjack · 10/08/2014 20:48

YANBU. If you don't want a dog in your house, then that's entirely up to you. I agree that the dog fearing DC need support in becoming more at ease around dogs, but bringing one into the house right now, would be terrifying for them. You have to build up very gradually with phobias and spending time with a friend's dog so they can slowly learn to feel more secure and relaxed around him, is a great idea. Stand firm on this with DH too. Good luck.

Original poster

NoRoomForALittleOne · 10/08/2014 20:49

DH has text her! He did start by saying "I've been talking with Room and apparently DD2 has been getting much worse..." Which annoys me as I'm still getting the blame and it sounds like he doesn't believe me. But he has suggested that she gets a cottage do that she can leave the dog there sometimes in it's cage and have some time with the children. But they also get to spend some time walking the dog and getting used to him. It sounds like an excellent plan to me. He also has been quite firm that the idea of a dog in our home is a no-go at the minute but we do really want to see her.

OP posts:

TooOldForGlitter · 10/08/2014 20:53

YANBU it's your home. I say this as a dog lover and owner of a big dog.

Those saying you should deal with your kids dog fear are right. You should. Like it or not, they are going to encounter at least one dog every day. However, I don't think that the way to help a kid over a fear of something is to bring that particular thing into their home.

mollypup · 10/08/2014 20:54

YANBU however you should really work on your children's fear of dogs. It's no good just saying 'they're scared of them', you need to teach them that dogs are not the evil spawn of satan.

ADishBestEatenCold · 10/08/2014 20:54

You must tell her.

Agggghast sums it up very well. "Why don't you have an honest conversation with her and explain why you don't want the dog?"

When you tell her you can explain that you realise that means she has to make other arrangements for the dog when she is staying with you, so you will try to be flexible with dates and can perhaps help her look for suitable boarding kennels (perhaps by doing internet searches and phoning up for her).

But I do think it must be you that tells her (it really is your decision) and I think you should tell her soon (give as much time as possible for arrangements to be made for the dog).

longjane · 10/08/2014 20:55

It is very rare in holiday lets that you are allowed to leave a dog alone.

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