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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

very cross that my sister gets critical comments from other parents in public!

31 replies

eragon · 09/08/2014 12:22

My 6yr old niece has Dravet syndrome, and has developmental delays and still needs the comfort of a dummy and her blanket. More often after being ill and having a severe episode of her epilepsy.

A very loud woman made a comment about the dummy, and the need to remove it at an earlier age as she did for her child.

My sister is pretty hardened to this sort of thing, but I could see she was upset.
My sister had an older daughter with the same syndrome and was treated the same and was still in a pushchair at the same age. We lost her to the condition 2 yrs ago.

So its hard to be non reactive to such big mouthed people.
am I being unreasonable to ask every parent to keep their big gobs shut and stop digs at my sisters children?!

OP posts:

thornrose · 09/08/2014 12:28

The woman is a nosy, judgemental cow who should keep her opinions to herself. YANBU.

It is hard to be non reactive. I have a dd with AS and I've finally pretty much hardened myself to this kind of thing over the years. It can still get to me if I'm having a particularly bad day.

microcosmia · 09/08/2014 12:32

How insensitive people can be eragon. I had comments too when DS was small (ASD) and people can be judgemental and nasty. One woman was exceptionally judge at the doctors once. She kept saying how she never would accept misbehaviour etc from her children so in frustration I said "Well done you and how many of them were autistic?" She shut up quickly. Another time I had him on a reins as he used to bolt and a man said snidely that a lead is for a dog. Nasty.
Dravets is a very tough diagnosis I feel for your Dsis and maybe it would be no harm to ask people not to judge what they don't understand. Hugs to you both and DC.

CoffeeTea103 · 09/08/2014 12:38

You know what everyone judges, but as long as you keep it in your head and not open your moth it's fine. Yanbu, why does a child having a dummy or being in a push chair at 6 bother the next person.
Your poor dsis, I do think she should say something though to people like this.

honeybeeridiculous · 09/08/2014 12:43

I would shout ' if she didn't have this life limiting syndrome then she wouldn't need the dummy, it's her little bit of comfort so mind your own f*ing business'
People like this make my blood boil,
Dravet syndrome is horrible, your a great sister and auntie

ithoughtofitfirst · 09/08/2014 12:56

Eurgh. one of my mum's sisters says stupid things like this loud enough for people to hear. I get so embarrassed when I'm out and about with her. She referred to a little boy as a little girl the other day knowing (i suspect) full well he was a boy but he had long hair. Then she made fun of his hair. I wanted to die I was so mortified. she looked so pleased with herself. Not that this is anything like as bad as what people say about your dn and her comforters.

Yanbu op. There will always be stupid and outspoken people unfortunately :( and its so infuriating to be on the receiving end of.

MrsWinnibago · 09/08/2014 13:03

YANBU. :( Poor sister. Of course her DD should have her blanket and dummy if she wants them, she's got enough to cope with without dealing with idiots too!

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/08/2014 13:13

Yanbu.

I don't understand why people feel the need to say every thought they have aloud.

If I saw your niece I might wonder, to myself why she has a dummy. Then again I might not even notice. I wouldn't feel the need to comment or look at her askance.

I'd be hard pushed not to say "none of your fucking business" in your sisters shoes though.

YouTheCat · 09/08/2014 13:14

ithoughtofitfirst, I'd be making fun of her wrinkles/nose/hair or whatever else she is sensitive about... loudly. What a twat.

Eragon, I don't know how to handle this. I just used to ignore it when ds was little (though as he got older it got easier as it was clear there was something different about him).

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/08/2014 13:14

I'm sorry for the loss of your older niece

hazeyjane · 09/08/2014 13:24

I am so sorry for the loss of your neice.

yanbu, some people are just arseholes.

dh was just amazed at a woman who very clearly rolled her eyes at ds who was having a meltdown in the library, I was trying to deal with it very calmly but she clearly thought I was not doing a good enough job. I think I have just got used to some people being judgy, but dh was shocked that someone could see a boy in a sn buggy clearly distraught and roll their eyes and tut.

flowers for you and your sister.

hazeyjane · 09/08/2014 13:25

oops that should be

Deluge · 09/08/2014 13:31

I'm sorry to hear about your older niece.

It is hard having to deal with the judgement and intolerant attitudes of other people. I have a child with autism, so know only too well.

I cannot understand why people don't think before they speak or act. Or why they don't mind their own business. There are some awfully self righteous people about.

Big hugs to you, your sister and niece.

x2boys · 09/08/2014 13:33

People are thoughtless rude and ignorant ds has/a rare chromosome disorder his paediatrician believes this has/ caused his ASD and development delays thankfully he has no signs of any associated physical ill health it has quickly become apparent people are quick to judge !

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/08/2014 13:35

Yanbu.

Some people are just cunts

tattyteddy · 09/08/2014 13:37

Eragon, i feel so cross on your behalf. People should mind their own business.

Sorry for the loss of your neice xx

TobyZiegler · 09/08/2014 13:45

YANBU if I was your sister is have a leaflet describing the condition in my handbag and ensure that people who judged got a leaflet and I'd struggle not to say something rather rude of my own!

Sarahplane · 09/08/2014 13:50

Yanbu people need to keep their stupid thoughts to themselves and not judge what they don't understand.

Deverethemuzzler · 09/08/2014 13:55

YANBU
But you only have to be on MN for a little while to see just how judgmental people are about children in buggies, with dummies, bottles etc.

And if anyone says 'have you thought they might have SN?' there is an immediate backlash 'oh here we go, the SN brigade is out again' 'you can't say anything these days without someone bringing in SN, can't some people just be crap parents?'

It happens on a daily basis.

If I see an older child in a buggy or with a dummy it is easier for me to assume that they have SN or a good reason for it.

Other people chose to believe that the parent is lazy and/or stupid or even neglectful.

I am very sorry for your sister's tragic loss of her DD. She should not have to put up with this crap from utter fuckwits.

She will be used to it though.

The little girls on Love Your Garden had Dravet's didn't they? Such little dots they were.

for you and your sister.

aprilanne · 09/08/2014 13:56

my friend has a little girl with severe cerebal palsy .and if people stare her reply is thankyou for looking at my beautiful child .that usually stops them or just tell them to shut there big mouths .and thank god they don,t have to live knowing they will outlive there children .god some folk are ignorant .x

Astonway · 09/08/2014 13:58

If it helps try to see such people as essentially simple-minded rather than nasty. Their comments are uttered without any thought or because they have their own experience or agenda. I do think that a quiet, mature response in forming them of the situation is best as it might broaden their minds and perhaps stop them making assumptions next time? Having said that it is entirely understandable to have an overwhelming urge to tell them where to go!

ouryve · 09/08/2014 14:08

YANBU :(

I wish I could say that it gets easier when they get big enough for people stop no longer be able to assume deficient parenting, but some people seem to be even more shocked and judgy about a jumping, squealing 8yo or a melty, yelling, shrieking 10yo than when the boys were smaller.

x2boys · 09/08/2014 14:39

My ds still has a dummy at four although developmentally he is probably about two although I don't allow him to take it out in public as there is no need for him to have it apart from comfort at night I,m not taking it off him any time soon .

dawndonnaagain · 09/08/2014 17:05

Despite the fact that three of my four children have a disability, two of which are extremely visible, my Mother does this. She's a right fucking cow though, so if you think it might be her, feel free to call her out.

It is awful. We've had people comment on how I should tie my 19 year olds arms down, seriously, he's 6ft and 14 stone. Twats.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/08/2014 17:28

Sorry about your older Niece x

My DN is autistic and my Dsis has had to deal with really snotty ignorant school gate mums, they look at him like hes some freak. It pisses me off and I've never witnessed it.

Even if people insist on judging, the polite thing would be to do it in their own head.

ChickenMe · 09/08/2014 19:08

God, this makes me so enraged.

I remember my mum reprimanding us as kids if we stared someone disabled-or stared at anyone really or said anything tactless. Some people do not have boundaries. They weren't brought up properly. I would have to say something. Why should you protect their feelings when they couldn't give a hoot about yours?!?

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