Breastfeeding on Cross Country trains - a horrid experiance

[Paulala]

Hello ladies, I'm a first time poster & a first time mum so apologies if I introduce myself by way of a horrid experience but I'd like to know if you think I'm being unreasonable.

I've just taken my first train journey with my 7 month old boy, we were travelling alone to Derby with everything we needed for a week on a Cross Country train. Everything was going ok until we returned to our seat from a nappy change. The nappy change itself was quite upsetting for him, being strapped to a table in a moving urine soaked metal cubical isn't very pleasant, but I hadn't expected a lot from the facilities.

I intended to give him a breastfeed at our seat but when we got there the seat beside us was occupied (we were in a set on 2 seats not a table of 4). I asked the man sitting in the seat if it would be possible for him to move to one of the single vacant seats 3 rows up just while I breastfed so I could have a little bit of privacy. He said No & stated that was the seat he was allocated why should he move.

I asked him again saying my baby needed to be fed, he was hungry & distressed & there were empty seats in view he could use. He said I should move there instead, this really wouldn't have helped as they were single aisle seats & would have meant I'd have to feed even more publicly. I was so upset I asked him if he expected me to breastfeed in the seat beside him with him watching & he just shrugged his shoulders.

At this point everyone close by was aware of the situation & I'm still standing in the aisle with an upset baby, this man hasn't even got up to allow us to sit down. The ticket inspector then arrives & I explain to him that the man in the seat beside us is causing a lot of distress with his insistence on sitting there while I breastfed. Anyone who's traveled by train will know neighbouring seats offer no prospect of personal space.

I fully understand his right to the seat he booked but both he & I could see other seats he could have taken until I stopped feeding then he could have returned to the seat he booked when we finished. I'm sure many men would have been totally ok with doing that. Instead he was nasty & snarly & the thought of him watching me feed my baby in such a tight space was horrible. I had no option but to ask the ticket inspector to help me find another seat & to help me move all my things, we would also need the assistant at Derby station to be made aware we'd be on another carriage. All because this man would not move 3 rows up.

Still seating stubbornly in his seat the man recognised how upset he'd made me & stated loudly to everyone, right I'll move & asked the guard what he was going to do about it. The guard then said we'll sit you in first class sir don't worry about it you will be ok there. I couldn't believe it he'd made me suffer through a very public request to breastfeed privately (or as private as I could be) he'd initially insisted he would not move while I did so & left me feeling like I shouldn't be breastfeeding on a train, all while I stood with a distressed baby in a moving carriage while everyone watched. When the man eventually moved I sat & fed my baby & cried it was the worst breastfeeding experience I've ever had.

I have to travel back next week with the same train company & I'm dreading it, I can't express milk & I'm really worried something similar will happen again. I think trains should have a breastfeeding policy which recognises a womans need for privacy and a bit of respect. Not a system where men are rewarded for making women feel bad about the need to feed their babies. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Cheers ladies,
Paula

[Numanoid]

It's a valid question, no worries. :)

If I paid for a seat and booked which one I wanted in advance, I wouldn't expect to have to move. If a mother wanted to breastfeed and this required two seats, I would assume she would book two seats for the space needed. I wouldn't move seats only to move back again when she'd finished, especially on a long-distance journey. As a passenger, it isn't up to me to ensure that there is space for breastfeeding mothers - I would expect the train company to sort that out.

Plus if I had politely said no (and I would have been polite), and the OP kept asking, I would most likely have gotten upset and if the ticket inspector got involved, I'd probably be panicking a hell of a lot. I have social anxiety amongst other things which I won't go into in detail, so a situation like that would have shaken me.

I'm strange, I know. :)

[Numanoid]

Sorry that ^ was in answer to your question, Surfsup1!

[EugenesAxe]

Sorry I also think YABU. I appreciate you've been really upset; I failed with BF and would have spent ages flashing my nipple while I tried to get a decent latch (probably elbowing the guy in the process) but at 7m in I would have thought you were a dab hand and able to get him on with minimal exposure. I think if it makes you this upset you should have a cover/shawl. I think BF is a functional thing and not something other people should be precious about seeing; it was a bit unfair of you to project what you feel about it onto someone else.

[WanderingTrolley1]

Yabu.

[MrsBigginsPieShop]

Yabu. Completely. He had an allocated seat. If you choose to breastfeed then own it and all the implications of it. It is possible to breastfeed discreetly and I find it odd that for someone so desperate for privacy made such a scene and that someone who knew they were going on this journey and that they would need to breastfeed at some point hadn't considered this situation might arise. If you wanted a private breastfeeding area then book and pay for sufficient train space, don't expect to be able to boot some poor bloke out of his seat. Ridiculous.

[MrsBigginsPieShop]

Oh and I don't think the OP has had a 'flaming'; just a lot of posters think she was BU! It's not 'nasty' to say she was BU and there is a difference between 'bandwagon' and 'majority of posters don't agree wih you'. Just saying.

[ADHDNoodles]

Your baby is cute! :)

I'm not sure if you're being unreasonable or not. Maybe to ask him to move, but not to want prefer privacy. Part of the reason I bottle feed is because I could never get up the nerve to BF in public.

On a train and a public space, you're not going to get your own little area. It's common knowledge how trains are, you should have either accounted for that and been ok with feeding in public or expressed milk so you could avoid that.

[HairyPorter]

Yabu. Get a breastfeeding apron if you are concerned about having privacy. I breastfeed in busses, the tube, airplanes, often in vey confined spaces and surrounded by strangers. I would never have dreamt of asking someone else to move so I could feed!

[MagicMojito]

Whilst I believe that ywb very u, I understand why you felt the way you did.

I've breast fed dd1 for 2.7 years and now dd2 and I STILL get abit nervous bfing in public and much prefer the privacy of a feeding/family room. When you have grown up hearing that certain parts of your body are intimate and private it makes it difficult to switch that off in your head imo

Whilst I think it would have been the kinder, more thoughtful thing for the man to do by switching to another seat, I don't think he was unreasonable at all to not do it.

It's ok to have preferences, however you cannot and should not expect your preferences to trump everyone else's. I'd say the best thing to do is learn how to handle bf in public if you need to. Like others have suggested, use a muslin square/sling/big cardi to cover up of necessary. It will only make things easier for you in the long run.

I get it though :) x

[burgatroyd]

YABU. Just get on with it. This made me feel quite infuriated as you came across uptight and prissy in your post. I understand its daunting. I too have bf on a train and a tube and a bus. Its really no different than bottle feeding on a train on public transport. It is PUBLIC transport. It was HIS seat. Its only an issue if you or someone else makes it one.
Now if you were sat down and he asked you to move that would be another thing.

On a slightly unrelated issue I once asked a strapping lad to help me with carrying the buggy down some tube steps. He said no. Someone else helped. People don't have to help us for whatever reason they have. That young strapping lad could have had a bad back. Your guy on the train might like his personal space.

[StealthPotato]

YABVU, but I assume you've realised that by now given previous responses.

You also sound like you've never travelled on a train before. People are oh so precious about their seats, and you've got more chance of laying an egg than getting someone to move from a reserved seat (I commute 4hrs per day).

I imagine a lot of the people in the carriage who overheard have tarred breast feeding mums with the same brush because of your behaviour.

[insancerre]

Poor bloke
I hope he enjoyed the peace of the first class
Op comes over as a princess

[squirrelweasel]

Definitely YABU especially to presume he would be watching you breastfeed, if anyone was 'nasty' it was you.

[Icimoi]

OP, if you're bothered about breastfeeding publicly, I suggest you get one of these - www.amazon.co.uk/Palm-Pond-Breastfeeding-Cover-Brown/dp/B008TVZZ2A/ref=sr_1_11?s=baby&ie=UTF8&qid=1407477704&sr=1-11&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[combust22]

Very rude that you should ask the man to move.

You made a scene here. You are not "entitled to provacy". You are entitled to breastfeed your baby on the train- which was not being hampered. If you want privacy, get a shawl or don't travel on long train journies.

And I speak as someone who has breastfed for a total of eight years with my children- much of it publicly.

I would never be so rude as ask someone to move.

[EarthWindFire]

YABVU.

I have a disability which means it is easier if I have two seats when travelling..., so I book two seats. I don't expect anyone to give up their pre booked seat for anyone.

I also don't think people on here being nasty or joining a bandwagon just because the overwhelming response is that the OP is being unreasonable.

Ignore them, they are odd bitter people and it's more about the general topic than your experience.

I am neither old nor bitter thank you very much!

[EarthWindFire]

*odd

[CycleChic]

Op, that sounds like a crappie situation: squished in with a bouncy 7mo, no space to play, trying not to let the ween kick your seatmate or scream down the carriage... even without needing to feed. I can see where you're coming from, and YANBU to ask once, but YABU to expect him to move.

I used to take the train a lot when my girl was a baby, and you can tuck a blanket/muslin between the seats in front of you and tie it to the arm rests next to you to make a screen without putting a blanket over the baby's head. if you're PA like me you can also be sure to elbow the man a lot while you do this

[aprilanne]

sorry you are entitled to breast feed .of course you are but you are not entitled to fling someone out of there seat .i would not have moved why should i .

[martinisdry]

Brabra: not all women find it easy to express, you know. I get really fed up with people thinking expressing is always an option for breastfeeders.

OP: I think you were entirely unreasonable. What a fuss to make! If you're baby is 7 months old, have you really not worked out ways of breastfeeding publicly yet? Your attitude is every bit as detrimental to the cause of normalising breastfeeding, as the attitude of people who think it's disgusting.

[pukkabo]

Yabvu.

How are we expected to normalise something which is perfectly natural and normal if women who do BF want to cover it up and hide away from everyone as if it's something to be embarrassed about? It's just a breast, not genitalia. It's also not like you're dealing with a newborn here, by seven months you should be pretty expert at whipping it out and getting baby latched.

I sat on a packed bus once in the back seats with strangers directly facing me and I had to BF. The way I saw it was you deal with me Breastfeeding or you deal with a screaming baby the whole journey. As it goes nobody even noticed I was doing it, far too interested in their own lives to be bothered by mine as I'm sure this man was too. I'm happy he has no issue with you doing it beside him personally.