AIBU to hate myself?

[Mermaid56]

I'm being bullied really badly and I can't help but feel a sense of self loathing over it.

I've always been a really strong person and I have been perceived as confident and outspoken. Even within my family, I don't have the reputation of someone who tolerates being ill-treated.

All my life friends and family members have turned to me for support in difficult times and I have been the one to stand up for them when they were being treated badly. I've actually taken pride in my no-nonsense reputation

But now I've turned into someone who hides and cries at work and has panic attacks every morning. I have to stop myself from stammering when my manager and colleagues are being rude with me. I forget what I had to say in individual or team meetings and instead go blank.

and I hate myself for being this way

I desperately need this job and I am not in a position to leave right now.

I have been treated badly from the beginning- I was humiliated, patronised, deliberately excluded and spoken to in inappropriate ways.

I'm sinking deeper and deeper into depression and I've even started smoking to try and cope with this.

I suppose I am just looking for anyone who was ever in this sort of situation to tell me what they did to cope.

I was in your exact situation about 22 years ago working as a legal secretary for a London bank. I am a strong, say it as it is sort of person (with a mega soft side too!). The (very young) lawyers I was secretary for were absolutely awful to me (they were only a couple of years older than me and treated me like absolute shit - I will never forget it - nor their names). They were rude, said all sorts to me. I think I sort of laughed to begin with (I was young), but it wore me down dramatically. I was there about 4 months before depression sunk in. Was not me at all. I ended up being signed off for 4 weeks, on anti-depressants, hardly moving from the sofa and when I finally had to return to work, I burst into tears and handed my notice in. Never looked back. I think you might need to leave that job as soon as you can. But please make sure you talk to people at work too, about what is wrong (obviously this might not be possible). Please talk to someone there and leave if it can't be sorted. No job is worth your sanity and well-being.

How terrible for you. Not a good position to be in.

I suggest you start looking for another job, sounds like this workplace has terrible culture. Also keep any evidence you have of their transgressions you may be able to use it in the future to help stop this crap from continuing.
I suspect you are not the only one being treated like this. This sort of thing is usually indicative of terrible workplace culture, have you got any 'comrades in arms' that you can commiserate with.

While I have never been in a situation like you are describing I do work with the general public (medical field so looking after them for weeks) and on occasion get some very horrible patronising people that I am looking after. Generally what I do with them is be overly polite to them while feeling sorry for them in my head that the have such sad lives that the only joy they have is in tormenting others.

Believe me I would leave asap if I could.

I don't want to reveal my reasons for being stuck as I can't risk being identified.

But for the moment I just can't leave and I don't know how to cope with this environment.

I feel ashamed of the person I've become- unable to stand up for myself

Not anywhere near as useful as mrschickpea but just wanted to say why can't you leave? If it's that bad at the very least start applying for every job that sounds vaguely interesting as an escape route. No job is worth that effect on your emotional well being.

I am not the only one who hates my boss. Nobody in the team likes her.

But she is particularly bullying and rude with me. So are a few other colleagues.

I feel like I have probably done something to deserve this. I keep thinking back and wondering if I did something that annoyed them or that perhaps there is something wrong with me.

Yep me too, some workplaces are just toxic, why can't you look for another job? Can you start documenting the unfair treatment and building up a case for HR? At the very least, get a gp appt and take some days off sick to regroup.

I understand all that, but please understand me when I say I just cannot leave right now.

Do you honestly think I would stay if there was any way out? I am really stuck at this point

Oh op what nasty bastards they sound.

How about seeing the HR person or are you in a union?

Can you build a case and take it to HR?

I am on the look-out for something else, but the prospects are grim right now. I don't know when I will be able to leave.

I am just looking for a coping strategy until I am able to get out

No, no union :(

I have thought about HR, but everyone has advised me that HR are there to protect the firm. I don 't want the whole thing to backfire or blow up in my face.

Oh, mermaid I can't offer you any advice because I'm in the same situation myself. Not to do with work, but the rest. Always being viewed as confident and strong, always the one friends go to for help, but somehow I've realised in the last few years I've turned into this horrible, pathetic coward and no one else has realised. I never thought I would be this person. For that and so, so many other reason I really, truly loathe myself. I am filled with disgust and abhorrence when I look in the mirror or think about myself.

I'm sorry, I know this isn't helpful, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Can you tell us your age (and a bit about your life... e.g. DH or DC etc). What kind of company is it (roughly). When my shit job happened I was living with a partner, but once I handed my notice in my happiness sort of came back, and I had the enthusiasm and will to find another job. Which I did. I don't think we could have really afforded me to be jobless for long.
If you REALLY have to stay in the job, then you REALLY need to talk to someone TOMORROW about the problems. There must be a fair person there, surely. If not, then you must leave. For your own sanity. No job is worth this.

This has happened to me a few times over the years (NHS). Like you I'm usually strong and speak up but it's very hard sometimes.

Firstly you haven't done anything to deserve it. It happens a lot to all sorts of people. Secondly is there anyone you speak to at work about it? Even if they can't directly help, I found I'm rarely the only one being subjected to the bullying.

Sweetheart, you haven't done anything to deserve this. I know how you feel and it's horrible. I remember feeling scared all the time. Counselling helped a lot. What used to drive me round the bend was not being able to work out why they were like that. Lightbulb moment was when my counsellor said:' you say he's done this and that, and said this. Are you really telling me you're worried because you can't understand somebody like that?' Are there people you can talk to IRL? Some companies provide counselling. If not see your GP and see if you can get referred. Samaritans are very good to talk to as well. This WILL pass. But it's so frightening and debilitating. Keep talking here if it would help xx

Besides, unless it's all in writing bullying can be so hard to prove.

She isn't going to call me names via email right? It's all verbal and sometimes it doesn't involve communication at all. It's more about her actions which she knows will bother me or marginalise me.

She deliberately excludes me from team conversations. She deliberately moves me away from work that she knows I am getting accolades for and keeps moving me to places where there is less and less scope to shine. She smirks and taunts and she constantly nags and criticises me even when she knows I am extremely busy and overworked.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given (about bullying) is that people have the power you give them. You can't do anything to make your vile boss be different, but you do have power to change how you feel about it and how you react.

Having said that, it's bloody difficult to do alone and without support - and it isn't quick either, you can't just become Xena Warrior Princess over-night.

Are there small things you can do that will help you cope? Small comforts that you can find in the day? Do you have colleagues that you like and can align yourself with? Do you have anyone to talk to?

You could be me from last year. I was bullied by my coworkers all day everyday. They were stalking me online, spreading rumors, getting everyone in the office involved, it was a nightmare.

I talked to my boss, and he just told them about me telling and did nothing, which made it worse. I tried taking it to HR and boss teamed up with the bullies to cover his ass. In the end, they refused to do anything about it.

I quit, and I cut contact with all but a handful of coworkers. Honestly, it was the best thing I could do for myself. No money is worth that sort of misery. I had no where to go, I had to make it work. I am happier on benefits and broke than I ever was at the hell hole it became.

Anyway, don't take what they're doing personally. They're cunts. That's not on you, it's on them.

The place got shut down shortly later because it wasn't making the company money. Obviously everyone was too busy focusing on things other than work.

I know someone in a similar situation. She can't leave either. Or at least not for another year.
You need to find a coping mechanism. For me it's a mantra to repeat internally or a song to sing in my head. I do it all the time.
Mine is let it be because I overthink things and get drawn into dramas at work which causes me stress. So I do my inner monologue thing where I'm singing (not out loud) and it works.
It doesn't work for everyone but it takes me away from the stressful situation.
Smoking isn't the answer. I do understand that because when I was a smoker I didn't have a problem with stress. Mine has been worse since I stopped but smoking again is not an option for me.

Good luck

Ok... it sounds like you have a great job, which you are good at and possibly love(d) or could love. Can you talk to anyone at work? Does anyone else feel the same way about her?

Thank you for the kind words :) They really help.

I am 25 years old. I am single, never been married and no children either. My area of work is finance and accountancy.

Do you have a mortgage/rent? Could you just walk?
Could SHE just be jealous? That's a possibility. What is HER life like? Jealousy is hugely likely IMO.

www.bullying.co.uk

There's a section about bullying in the workplace. You can phone them for advice, and there's live online chat.
Exclusion at work is classic bullying behaviour, and should be recognised as such by workplace anti-bullying policy. You need a copy of the policy. You need to document every time she removes you from a project when you've been doing well. Have you tried emailing her and asking her to let you stay as you've done so well? That way she'd have to justify herself and you're creating a written record. This is very serious. It's a Health and Safety issue. Does she bully any of your coworkers? Would they support you? It's so hard, isn't it, but there is help out there xx

Nobody likes my direct supervisor, she is very unpopular. However, none of the other guys in the team are being bullied the way I am.

I have spoken to some colleagues about it and it helps to vent. But at the end of the day, they tend to stay completely out of it when I am being treated badly because nobody wants to get involved.

If you are to stay there indefinately start to keep a diary - everytime she does something think hmm thats one more bit to write down. It mayhelp to 'park' these into a diary but also may come in handy.

You need to try and get your postive internal voice turned up loud. You need to get behind their actions and get to grips with their motivations - this may help you get the moral upper hand - evern if quietly to yourself. Might just help you keep.

Why is she like this - controls through fear for loss of it, denies because she feels threatened - points to an underlying lack of confidents and security in herself, Belittles as a form of control and well some people are just plain nasty.

You need to try and find an allie. you need to be able to speak to someone who you can share just how bad she is.

Have you ever though of responding when she is nasty to you infront of others - With why did you say? Point out her nastiness, let her know you know and not afraid to say.

Im really sorry ot sound horrible. Just do what you can to get by until you can leave. Ive been in an awful job and it can make you so unhappy. Not everywhere is like this.