AIBU to hate myself?

[Mermaid56]

I'm being bullied really badly and I can't help but feel a sense of self loathing over it.

I've always been a really strong person and I have been perceived as confident and outspoken. Even within my family, I don't have the reputation of someone who tolerates being ill-treated.

All my life friends and family members have turned to me for support in difficult times and I have been the one to stand up for them when they were being treated badly. I've actually taken pride in my no-nonsense reputation

But now I've turned into someone who hides and cries at work and has panic attacks every morning. I have to stop myself from stammering when my manager and colleagues are being rude with me. I forget what I had to say in individual or team meetings and instead go blank.

and I hate myself for being this way

I desperately need this job and I am not in a position to leave right now.

I have been treated badly from the beginning- I was humiliated, patronised, deliberately excluded and spoken to in inappropriate ways.

I'm sinking deeper and deeper into depression and I've even started smoking to try and cope with this.

I suppose I am just looking for anyone who was ever in this sort of situation to tell me what they did to cope.

no union.

And HR is not very effective either.

I've been told not to go to my boss's boss because she is a gossip and they are apparently good friends.

Cd you talk to oNe of the people who wrote you a fab review? Look into Internal transfer?
You need to get out of that toxic place.

If you can get another job doing something you enjoy, or even something with a similar salary, depending on what's important to you job-wise at the moment, then go. I know it's easier said than done, but situations like yours are tricky. I hope other posters can maybe offer more useful advice than mine!
You shouldn't hate yourself though OP, never ever let yourself do that. I can tell you after reading your experiences at work, with absolutely no doubt, that you have something they don't. Something that makes you stand out, particularly good at your job... I couldn't say exactly what as I'm not there, but they're jealous! And by bringing you down and effectively making you doubt your own words/actions, they stop you from being you, and that makes them feel good.
I've been in a similar situation, and ended up leaving, as a few of my co-workers also did, and it makes you realise that they're the bad people, not you.

I couldn't say exactly what as I'm not there, but they're jealous! And by bringing you down and effectively making you doubt your own words/actions, they stop you from being you, and that makes them feel good thanks for that nugget numanoid. In my case the bullying behaviour comes from my husband and also really makes me question/dislike myself.

I wish you all the best mermaid what a horrible situation to be in . Please keep posting for support and I think the email trail that a few people have advised is a good idea. How horrible for you to have got to the stage where you are having panic attacks .

You never know, your boss might leave (hopefully)? Or is an internal transfer possible?

Keep a contemporaneous note of everything that is said to you. Also write down the stuff you've told us.

It's hard to take it on trust that it's impossible to leave to be honest - especially when people in your position actually feel so ground down. Are you training?

Is a transfer possible? Because if so, could you go to GR with concrete examples and say, I am being bullied - here is what's happening, I want to move departments?

This woman probably is insecure. You need to see if she can be made to question herself. Could you print this off and leave it around the office?

m.acas.org.uk/media/pdf/o/c/Bullying-and-harassment-at-work-a-guide-for-employees.pdf

Just make sure no-one sees it's you, and deny all knowledge.

I was bullied at work. It stopped immediately when someone else complained to HR. The boss assumed it must be me who'd complained.

How long have you been there?

My advice to those being bullied is to stop what you are doing as soon as it happens, pick up a pen and notebook, look at your watch, note the time, date, who is in the room and what exactly was said and done. If the bully asks what you are doing say 'I have been advised to note down every instance of bullying' and say no more. And do it EVERY time. And take the book home and either scan the latest page/incident or take a photo of it for your records. So if it goes missing, you have a full record.

This will mean:
They know you have identified it as bullying behaviour.
They will know you have taken advice on the situation - and they will not know whether it is their own HR that has said this, a manager in the company or an employment lawyer.
They will know you are building up a case against them. And a catalogue of witnesses. They will not want this.

Even better, when you are noting this down say 'Can I ask how exactly you are spelling 'whatever offensive word they used'.

She will not change it does not appear she is going anywhere soon.

You need to change how you view the situation but most importantly yourself.

You need to see her for the insecure nasty person she is NOT YOU.

I think that's great advice by funkyboldribena

P.S. if a neighbour was being abusive continually it's likely you would have reported her to landlord/council and police.

Contact ACAS as someone said that is great advice. I once took a small restaurant through ACAS because they refused to pay me £120 ish for work I had done. They were nasty too.

Did deep, all those resources about beig strong and confident are still there.

Yy to talking to the bullying helpline.

Yy to keeping notes. I had a friend dealing with similar, and she used the notes to prepare for annual review, under headings of

My strengths/skills - with examples (eg junior colleague did not know about x. I did - but was denied opportunity to contribute)

Opportunities lost to develop further (eg. removed from working on x (with date/reason given); not allowed to share advice as above - no opportunity for team work and to support others)

My genuine weaknesses (very small section)

Just seeing how great she was on paper, and how much more she could offer the company if not blocked, was a real boost to her confidence, and helped redress the balance between what she knew was going on and what she was being told at work.

HTH

Keep a log

As others have said keep a diary of everything which happens. Time, place, witnesses but keep emotions out of it. Try to make it all factual. Give yourself a month of record keeping and then, if things haven't improved, you need to report this. Every time something rotten is done or said to you smile inwardly knowing it's helping to build your case.

I would also suggest you seek help from either ACAS or an employment lawyer (sometimes you get this paid for on home insurance) as you do need proper legal support in case things aren't dealt with properly.

A friend who went through something similar made sure they saw their doctor to explain the stress levels they were under and this was helpful when they ended up in hospital with heart palpitations brought on by the stress and the subsequent time off they had to have. Don't ever underestimate the effects this could have on your health too. Oh and along the same thought your company has a duty of care towards its staff so it isn't allowed to brush bullying under the carpet, especially when it causes distress so that is worth remembering.

If push comes to shove you can always bring a grievance forward too, though you do need proper advice on this.

I had a similar experience and ended up leaving.

The firm I worked for merged with another (larger) firm and there were two posts the same (i.e. mine and the person who did the same thing at the other firm - both managerial posts). The other person was one of the Chief Executive's Stepford wives so I never really had a chance tbh.

After the merger, I was essentially demoted (although I stayed on the same salary). I was excluded from meetings, had my worked checked and handed back with ticks or crosses (wtf? - the comments weren't even RIGHT!), given very low-level tasks etc etc. It was awful, awful, awful. HR were fucking useless (HR manager being another Stepford). I had insomnia, stress-related acne, short fuse with my dd, tearful and angry all the time.

I was eventually signed off sick with stress and depression but still no change when I returned to work.

My only option was to leave - for my own sanity and health.

What you're going through is terrible. You have to do something about it. Think you're right about HR protecting the firm though. Employment lawyer might be the way to go? No matter what - NO job is worth going through this.

For you

Don't waste time and effort gathering evidence and trying to build a case unless you are feeling strong and able. It will just cause you more stress.

Management/HR rarely have the teeth to tackle bullying. It is just too hard to get rid of the bully, and too time consuming and expensive. YOU will eventually emerge as "the problem", not the bully.

Please try hard to move on, but by all means make it clear why you are doing so.

Do you work weekends Mermaid? Are you off from now until Monday?

There are a few things that you may be able to do imo that could help...I have worked for a couple of bullying managers, 1 had a nasty gaggle of woman around her to hide behind/back her up. The other was a man who was plain nasty and took every opportunity to put me down.

Later on I worked in an office that was run by bullies, I came along as a new manager, was completely underestimated and within a few months the bullies had either left or stopped bullying.

Have you done any work on managing your manager/managing upwards/dealing with and managing difficult people?

Most bullies, whatever their position dislike directness or being 'called' on something.

The most important thing when being bullied by a manager is to NOT roll over and take it...also remember that it is NEVER to late to get back up and start to deal with things (I say this in kindness and as someone who nearly lay down in a heap and gave up on a career that I'd worked my arse off for!).

My sister went through this with a truly awful boss. I met her at of all things, my sister's birthday party. That tells you how bad it was: my sister decided to just invite her boss, who knew about the party, rather than suffer the backlash at work if she didn't. When I met Evil Boos literally the first thing she did was give me a dirty look up and down, then be very cutting with me. At a party, to a stranger who'd never met her before. And I knew then she was insecure and damaged and horrid. If people like that have power over you, it's very hard to live with.

First of all, plan: how soon can you leave? How are you going to work on getting what you need out of this job? Is there anyone else senior there whom you can cultivate to get a good reference in due course? Any training or stuff you can do in your own time to help speed things along?

How are your savings? Worst case scenario, leave before you break down completely (as my BIL once had to do) and money be damned.

Second: work on insulating yourself emotionally as much as you can. Look into getting CBT to help you cope (not because there's anything wrong with you, but that or some transactional analysis to help you understand and deal with the relationship dynamics could be useful). If actual live therapy isn't a goer, try and find helpful books.

As well, compartmentalise as much as you can. Have a transition period before you go home (even if you have to sit in the loo) and leave it behind you. See friends and family as much as you can. Vent, but not too much.

Third: Get angry, but with her, not yourself. Accept it is frustrating. Forgive yourself for not handling it perfectly, no one ever does. Give this dreadful bloody woman a horrible nickname, and in your head and in your private life call her by that name. Acknowledge honestly whenever you make a mistake, but please don't blame yourself for being bullied. You aren't being bullied because there is anything wrong with you, but because your boss is a bully. Do not invest emotionally in what she might think of you, or how you come across at work, so far as you can. Try and act naturally rather than reacting to her or freezing for fear of what she will do or say (very tough).