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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate myself?

66 replies

Mermaid56 · 07/08/2014 21:31

I'm being bullied really badly and I can't help but feel a sense of self loathing over it. Sad

I've always been a really strong person and I have been perceived as confident and outspoken. Even within my family, I don't have the reputation of someone who tolerates being ill-treated.

All my life friends and family members have turned to me for support in difficult times and I have been the one to stand up for them when they were being treated badly. I've actually taken pride in my no-nonsense reputation

But now I've turned into someone who hides and cries at work and has panic attacks every morning. I have to stop myself from stammering when my manager and colleagues are being rude with me. I forget what I had to say in individual or team meetings and instead go blank.

and I hate myself for being this way

I desperately need this job and I am not in a position to leave right now.

I have been treated badly from the beginning- I was humiliated, patronised, deliberately excluded and spoken to in inappropriate ways.

I'm sinking deeper and deeper into depression and I've even started smoking to try and cope with this.

I suppose I am just looking for anyone who was ever in this sort of situation to tell me what they did to cope.

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 07/08/2014 22:28

Is there another senior person you could talk to? You do need a copy of their anti-bullying policy. That will tell you what steps to follow if you feel you're being bullied, and you should probably try to follow them if you feel able to.

Original poster
Mermaid56 · 07/08/2014 22:29

I don't know what her life is like, but she isn't really perceived as a brilliant performer at work. She has very little commercial knowledge and tends to get rather defensive about it. Most people say that she is a manager only because she has managed to stay around in the company for very long.

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 07/08/2014 22:29

It's fairly likely that other people have (vaguely) noticed and are (vaguely) thinking 'thank god that cow's not hacking into me right now, she's concentrating on poor old Mermaid'. Without realising that Mermaid is at breaking point.

I'm sorry I can't give wise advice about how to beat this bully and keep your job, as I took the resignation followed by complete career change route.

I am not very well off and have no pension but I'm very happy!

Sorry, not amazingly helpful but as I have not forgotten the utterly sick feeling of being completely stressed out by a bastard line manager.

MrsChickPea · 07/08/2014 22:30

The "other guys in the team"... I'm assuming are men?
I think SHE is jealous. If you love your job and don't want to/can't leave, then the only option is to speak to someone above her. If no one likes her, then surely those above will probably already know this. Look at the bullying link above from SallyMcgally - you have to sort this. For YOU.

AlpacaLypse · 07/08/2014 22:31

Ten tons of xposts... and the updates are EXTREMELY suggestive.

Absolute classic bully behaviour when a no-more-than-competent manager knows perfectly well the junior staff are outperforming them.

Original poster
Mermaid56 · 07/08/2014 22:32

Yes, mostly men in the team but also some other women my age. It's the women who are bullying me actually, not the men :( I am not saying the men are all angels but they usually tend to leave me alone and don't deliberately insult and humiliate me.

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 07/08/2014 22:33

Ah. She's jealous of you. That's why she's taking you away from jobs you're performing well at. You can email her very politely, say you're disappointed because you had invested a lot in the work and had done a good job, so could you see the project through please? She'll then have to find a way to justify herself, and you're creating a written record. That was how I got my guy in the end (who is also utterly crap at his job - that's classic too). You may need to do this a couple of times, as you need to be able to show a pattern of behaviour.

MrsChickPea · 07/08/2014 22:34

Just out of interest (and so sorry to ask as should be irrelevant) but are you particularly pretty/beautiful/attractive or absolutely amazing at what you do (or even both).... BE HONEST!

Original poster
Mermaid56 · 07/08/2014 22:46

MrsChickPea

I had fabulous reviews and feedback from senior management at the head office about 3 months into my joining the team. A couple of them even sent her emails to personally tell her they thought I was doing a great job. I've made my mistakes while learning, but I have always tried to take on challenges and to learn as quickly as possible. Less than six months into the job, I had clients calling to ask for me and I was being assigned the task of training other employees.

However, she never focuses on my multi-tasking or good performance. She will always find little things to criticise like some phrase I used in an email, that I forgot to complete some little survey or that I updated some internal checklist 10 minutes later than she wanted.

I don't know if I can call myself beautiful. I have mixed ancestry and I guess I've been told I look interesting and attractive.

OP posts:
heatseeker14 · 07/08/2014 22:50

Don't hate yourself Sad I have been in your situation many years ago, reduced to tears, excluded from team meetings (was on a phone call at the time and after I put the phone down realised the whole department had left the room!) it was horrible. I eventually left the company and after a few months the lady who had taken over my role called me to say she was being bullied by her. It was no help to me but it proved I wasn't insane!

I did go to HR I don't feel they addressed the situation properly but in the end I did get an internal transfer. Is this a possibility for you?

SallyMcgally · 07/08/2014 22:51

Is there anyone from senior management you'd feel comfortable talking to informally? I bet they'd be horrified to know you were being treated like this. Btw unreasonable criticism of minor slips I'd also recognised by workplaces as classic bullying behaviour, so keep a record of that too.
What a total sad bitch the woman sounds.

MrsChickPea · 07/08/2014 22:53

That's it then. You are very good at your job and mixed ancestry usually ends up beautiful in my book. So clever and pretty. SHE (and probably all the the other girls) are jealous (probably VERY jealous - never fair when someone has it all - they need to get over it and you need to sort it!). SHE/they will probably do anything to bring you down. YOU need to get a hard head on (sorry, hard to do I know), but you need to stick up for you. You're blood good at what you do. Senior Management know that. You know that. You also love your job? PLEASE talk to the management that gave you the good reviews and say how you are feeling. Please.

Cleanthatroomnow · 07/08/2014 22:55

Classic case. The victim of bullying is often popular and bloody good at their job. The bully perceives them as a threat because bullying is about power. If you are attractive as well as good at your job, it must really scare her.

Please consider walking away. Your health will suffer at some point and then you may have no choice.

Original poster
Mermaid56 · 07/08/2014 23:00

when she took me away from things I was good at, I brought it up in a meeting with her. I said I felt I still had a lot to learn where I was and I didn't want to move so soon. I was told it wasn't up for debate, I didn't have a choice and there were other, more important things she wanted to discuss with me. I've also brought up how the other women are rude with me, but my boss just dismissed it and said it was likely my fault for being difficult.

On the rare occasions I've stood up for myself I've been told off for being argumentative and have been asked not to 'challenge' things.

OP posts:
LiberalLibertines · 07/08/2014 23:00

She's jealous. Nasty cow.

Ok so you can't leave, maybe that is a good thing, because you sound great at your job, and people higher up are noticing.

You need to change your perspective on this situation, if she smirks, smirk back (even if it's inwardly) accept you're better than her, and she's actually quite a pitiful character.

Chin up, shoulders back, she's a dick.

MrsChickPea · 07/08/2014 23:09

I don't think you should leave now (unless you really, really are being destroyed). I'd like to see you come through this and beat HER/the Cow down. It really sounds like she can't bear you to shine and do well. The other women sound horrid. Are the men nice? Or intimidated? Lots of men can't do clever and beautiful (in the work place as direct competition)!. Other places obviously they LOVE IT!
I think you need to be brave (assuming you do love the job) and speak to someone higher than HER.

I've got to go to bed now (old enough to be your mum and have a DS8 that will want playing with from 7am tomorrow).

Remember. You're perfectly deserving of this job. You are excelling at it. You're loving it. You're learning and enjoying the challenges of learning. You want this job. You need to speak to someone above HER. You need to speak to someone tomorrow. Would any other member of staff back you up if management asked opinions?

RickyDinkPanther · 07/08/2014 23:14

Mermaid I really sympathise with you. Hold on to the knowledge that you know you're good at what you do.

General question - For situations like this where you just have to leave your job, what do you tell prospective new employers?

SallyMcgally · 07/08/2014 23:21

Who's told you you're argumentative? Her?
Her response to your request was v unprofessional and you need to keep a record of when she said it. Try to raise these things with her via email. If she responds in person, email back and mention the important element of the conversation. What a nasty piece of work she is.

Original poster
Mermaid56 · 07/08/2014 23:34

Yes, every time I try to defend myself from an unfair allegation, request a clarification or even just try to express my opinion, I am called argumentative. Ironically, I have also been accused of not contributing enough to meetings Hmm

OP posts:
MrsChickPea · 07/08/2014 23:38

I don't think you'll ever be able to please HER. She will never let you be right. I am off to bed now. PLEASE update us tomorrow about how work goes... please. Thank you!

Original poster
Mermaid56 · 07/08/2014 23:50

I will keep you updated. More than anything else, sharing might help me to rationalise my own thoughts better.

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 07/08/2014 23:50

Then you need email even more. On paper (screen) it will be v clear to a third party that you're being reasonable, and that she is not. She knows this damn well, which is why she's anxious to avoid it. But you need to recognise it too, so that she has less power over you. Very very good luck tomorrow, but keep posting if it helps.

SallyMcgally · 07/08/2014 23:50

Sorry. Cross post.

Original poster
Mermaid56 · 08/08/2014 00:07

An example conversation with this woman-

She's removed me from things I was good and experienced at and demoted me to more mundane, clerical work. The other day I overheard her asking a colleague a question and he replied he wasn't sure and would get back. I overheard them struggling with it a bit and I happened to know the answer.

I didn't want my colleague to think I was trying to show-off or brag, so I waited until he was out of earshot before telling my boss what I knew about the situation. I just said, hey couldn't help overhear and it sounds like there might be an issue so I thought I'd let you know that X is what I think probably happened because of Y.

She looked at me with this patronising expression and asked me why I knew about this and had my colleague asked me for help? I said yes he had asked me about it earlier but I had also overheard so thought I'd just let her know what I knew. She told me to stay out of things that don't concern me and to focus on what I'd been asked to do. She smirked and she was taunting me. She told me to let him be and figure it out for himself. I said I was only letting her know- she said "I didn't ask you. So just focus on what I've told you to and don't interfere in things that don't concern you. Stay out of it"

Her tone and manner was shocking even for her. And this was within earshot of other team members and employees so I felt extremely humiliated and shocked.

I am so angry at this woman and also at myself for not giving it back to her when she talks to me like that.

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 08/08/2014 00:17

It's so hard - you need someone you know would have your back, and then you could ask them to be a witness to her public belittling of you, and write to her and tell her that it's unacceptable. But it's so hard if noone will come forward. Is there a union - could they help?