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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to expect out-of-work DH to be pulling his weight while I get over surgery?

88 replies

WotchOotErAPolis · 07/08/2014 18:38

Wow - can't believe how much has 'not' happened since I posted about DHs behaviour on another thread!!

DH was made redundant on April 1st and is still oow now. In the last 3 years he's been oow for nearly 2 years so our finances are precarious.

I am on sick leave with no pay, having just had surgery to remove a badly ruptured breast implant [originally done when I has a mastectomy 10 years ago due to advanced cancer] which it turned out had become infected. I now have a very deformed left side as they couldn't replace it, so I've effectively had a mastectomy all over again.

Ten days later he's dropping hints about sex - including the line 'as long as you put a babydoll over the top half so I don't see'.

I'm still getting very tired when out walking, having been very fit prior to surgery. We spent yesterday outside a cafe with him making comments about the teen with the neat ar$e and too tight shorts, whilst I got my breath back! Nice?!

On top of that he still hasn't found a job [this bit he really is trying to fix] but is supposedly doing some work for which he will get paid once he completes the work and invoices. He has done nothing at all today, apart from sit on the sofa doing sudokus on his phone. In the meantime, there is now a huge pile of unwashed laundry on his side of the bedroom; the kitchen table was left uncleared last night so I woke up to it; the grass is overgrown and there are now trees in my garden borders where there weren't any a couple of months ago; the hedges are overgrown too. The dog is not being walked and the ironing [though I did get it up to date over the weekend] is piling up again - with the odd comment of "I haven't got any t-shirts".

We ran a music school session in our house the day after I came out of hospital and he ended up taking me into town to fetch a microphone for the singer. He and the boys [I have 3 DSs aged 16,15,11 who to be fair do their share of the housework, usually after hours of me nagging which is tiring in itself] had spent the morning re-organising the furniture to prepare the room for the session, with the comment "we might as well sweep under the sofas seeing as it hasn't been done for twenty years".

We don't discuss things any more, to the extent that he got me to text our music teacher to say we needed to talk about lessons as finances are getting more embarrassing by the week, so we need to cut down/ stop. When he came for the next lesson, expecting a 'talking to', DH asked if he could join in on day 1 of a proposed songwriting workshop costing £150!

Am I really being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
WestEast · 07/08/2014 18:40

He sounds like an arsehole.

Hope you recover from your surgery well x

Sirzy · 07/08/2014 18:41

I'm not normally one to jump on the ltb bandwagon but from what you have said why are you with him?

Hope you feel better soon, sounds like health wise you have been to hell and back.

pommedeterre · 07/08/2014 18:42

YANBU

I would never have sex with him again after that comment.

fusspot66 · 07/08/2014 18:43

The man sounds like a liability. Does he improve your life in any way? YADNBU

SnakeyMcBadass · 07/08/2014 18:44

Yanbu. In fact, ywnbu to bury the lazy, unpleasant twat under the patio.

jellybelly701 · 07/08/2014 18:45

as long as you put a babydoll over the top half so I don't see

How did you not kill him? Like seriously, how?

YANBU Your DH is an utter pass regardless of you having surgery he should be pulling his bloody weight.

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 07/08/2014 18:45

I would kick him out for the baby doll comment alone. He is in this relationship for his convenience. Personally I would inconvenience him by kicking him out along with his dirty t shirts.

jellybelly701 · 07/08/2014 18:46

ass*

Imsuchamess · 07/08/2014 18:47

Omg words fail me! Leave now!

ilovesooty · 07/08/2014 18:51

Sometimes I think posters are BU about their husbands but I couldn't look at or speak to him ever again after that. Bastard.

Mitzimaybe · 07/08/2014 18:51

It's easy to be wise with hindsight but it sounds like you have let him get away with far too much (or rather, far too little) for far too long.

Why on earth are you doing HIS ironing, when he's playing sudoku and you are recovering from surgery and infection? (Why would you EVER do his ironing, but perhaps that's something you're normally happy to do.)

Exactly what - other than money on the rare occasions that he's working - does he contribute towards the relationship and home?

If this is a serious post, YANBU to expect him to do more but YABVU to keep trying to "keep on top of it".

ThisIsLID · 07/08/2014 18:52

Just adding to the chorus.
He needs toget his acts together at the very least. And learn to be much more respectful of his partner. What are his good points?

ThisIsLID · 07/08/2014 18:53

How are doing now btw? Are you starting to recover from the surgery? Physically? Emotionally?

Mitzimaybe · 07/08/2014 18:55

Do you have any lovely friends or relatives you can go and stay with for a couple of weeks while you convalesce? Someone should be looking after you, not you looking after him. I'm assuming you don't want to LTB completely (although he sounds horrible and I don't know why you wouldn't) but just leaving him to his own devices for a few weeks might make him and your DSs appreciate you more. I would seriously try to do that.

Numanoid · 07/08/2014 18:56

He sounds horrible. And that's a polite way of putting it. Apart from leaving you to do everything after surgery, his comment re. the babydoll is totally unforgivable. It sounds like you've been through a lot OP, and you really deserve someone who respects you and treats you properly.

43percentburnt · 07/08/2014 18:58

To summarise.

No job.
Doesn't do housework.
Doesn't walk the dog.
Doesn't do the garden.
Spends money you don't have.
Ogles young girls.
Unsympathetic towards your recent operation.
Speaks in a disgusting way about you post surgery.
Gets you to text for him.

I hope he's a good looking ornament. Or at least reads you enthralling literature on demand.

Why are you with him?

CoffeeTea103 · 07/08/2014 19:00

Wow absolutely ltb. The baby doll comment is Shock. He's a lost cause, seriously you're doing everything now so him not in the picture will be fine.

DoJo · 07/08/2014 19:01

I'd be expecting him to pull his weight whether you were getting over surgery or not. His day should be divided between looking for work and doing things around the house and garden, not buggering about on his phone or contemplating how much of yourself he would want you to cover so that he can have sex with you. He sounds vile - the litany of things he is neglecting (your poor dog - that's awful in itself!) and the way he is treating you suggest that he is just a twat. Does he have any redeeming features?

Nancy66 · 07/08/2014 19:08

it sounds like he's not the father of your three kids. is that right?

he sounds like worthless trash to be perfectly honest.

Why on earth would you want to be in this relationship?

AlpacaMyBags · 07/08/2014 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Castlemilk · 07/08/2014 19:08

Another one saying that I'd genuinely never want to have sex with him again after that comment.

That's if I ever did want to have sex with the useless creepy fuck in the first place, which is unlikely.

phantomnamechanger · 07/08/2014 19:11

OP, firstly, I hope you make a super recovery from your surgery.

Then when you are feeling a little stronger, please read 43%'s little summary above, and think how you would honestly advise someone posting here with that list.

Seriously. He takes you for granted with regard to household chores, badgers you for sex after major surgery and then makes unforgivable comments about your appearance.(So sex on demand for him because he needs it, not because he fancies you Sad Shock) On top of that he wont even act like a grown up about your mutual finances.

It makes me sad to think you are with this useless jerk after all you have been through. You deserve so much more!

Bessiebigpants · 07/08/2014 20:21

I feel quite Ill,What an awfull awfull man.Just don t put up with it anymore.He is a financial drain,A lazy misogynistic arse wipe of a man.Im raging on your behalf,Bless you you are still unwell and he just wants sex.Show him the door do it today.I bet you would be financially better off without him you most definatly will be mentally and physically.What a role model for your boys, I think that he is a total cocklodger and the worst kind because he is Pervy as well.Blimey I bet your sons friends are uncomfortable around him if they are girls.

Darkesteyes · 07/08/2014 20:24

Ten days later he's dropping hints about sex - including the line 'as long as you put a babydoll over the top half so I don't see'

This has to be the nastiest most misogynistic and evil comment I have ever seen.

My bootprint would be on his backside and he would be out the door for this alone let alone the other stuff.

Evil bastard.

Darkesteyes · 07/08/2014 20:33

DH lost his mum to breast cancer in the early 1970s. She was only in her forties. In the 60s she was one of the first in this country to have reconstructive surgery.

I just told DH about this thread. He shook his head in disgust at your DHs attitude and the babydoll comment.

There would have been a swear word but DH is currently eating chicken pie.

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