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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to expect out-of-work DH to be pulling his weight while I get over surgery?

88 replies

WotchOotErAPolis · 07/08/2014 18:38

Wow - can't believe how much has 'not' happened since I posted about DHs behaviour on another thread!!

DH was made redundant on April 1st and is still oow now. In the last 3 years he's been oow for nearly 2 years so our finances are precarious.

I am on sick leave with no pay, having just had surgery to remove a badly ruptured breast implant [originally done when I has a mastectomy 10 years ago due to advanced cancer] which it turned out had become infected. I now have a very deformed left side as they couldn't replace it, so I've effectively had a mastectomy all over again.

Ten days later he's dropping hints about sex - including the line 'as long as you put a babydoll over the top half so I don't see'.

I'm still getting very tired when out walking, having been very fit prior to surgery. We spent yesterday outside a cafe with him making comments about the teen with the neat ar$e and too tight shorts, whilst I got my breath back! Nice?!

On top of that he still hasn't found a job [this bit he really is trying to fix] but is supposedly doing some work for which he will get paid once he completes the work and invoices. He has done nothing at all today, apart from sit on the sofa doing sudokus on his phone. In the meantime, there is now a huge pile of unwashed laundry on his side of the bedroom; the kitchen table was left uncleared last night so I woke up to it; the grass is overgrown and there are now trees in my garden borders where there weren't any a couple of months ago; the hedges are overgrown too. The dog is not being walked and the ironing [though I did get it up to date over the weekend] is piling up again - with the odd comment of "I haven't got any t-shirts".

We ran a music school session in our house the day after I came out of hospital and he ended up taking me into town to fetch a microphone for the singer. He and the boys [I have 3 DSs aged 16,15,11 who to be fair do their share of the housework, usually after hours of me nagging which is tiring in itself] had spent the morning re-organising the furniture to prepare the room for the session, with the comment "we might as well sweep under the sofas seeing as it hasn't been done for twenty years".

We don't discuss things any more, to the extent that he got me to text our music teacher to say we needed to talk about lessons as finances are getting more embarrassing by the week, so we need to cut down/ stop. When he came for the next lesson, expecting a 'talking to', DH asked if he could join in on day 1 of a proposed songwriting workshop costing £150!

Am I really being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2014 01:02

I think you do actually need to sit down and work out what you get out of this relationship, however unpleasant those things are. Because you don't seem to get anything and he is deeply nasty.

Morloth · 07/10/2014 01:13

So what, when you get right down to it is he for?

musicalendorphins2 · 07/10/2014 04:04

Please do have your friend arrive to fix the bike. You do not need your husbands permission.

Coughle · 07/10/2014 04:10

Actually feel sick reading this. So sorry. If you move this thread to Relationships you will get lots of good practical advice from strong women who have BTDT. Just click on report and send a message to mnhq.
Flowers

tiredoldmum · 07/10/2014 04:14

Please answer what exactly are you getting from this marriage?

You can overlook a little of the laziness of kids because they are kids but a grown man acting like a lazy twunt. Refuses to work or look for work.

Between the 4 of them, you shouldn't have to lift a finger around there ever.

He is a bad influence on the kids as they might grow up thinking they'll find some woman to lay around on and lodge.

Minikievs · 07/10/2014 07:06

My DH is sometimes quite a big arsehole. And sometimes isn't my "d"h at all.
But even I am boggling at how truly awful yours sounds. Mine was oow for nearly a year (pre kids). He's a lazy arse but in that time, house was cleaned, tidied, dinner made practically every day. With 3 (reasonable old) sons to help him you should NOT be having to lift a finger. Let alone after surgery.

The baby doll comment is one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard.

Please find the strength to do something about how he is treating you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/10/2014 07:44

I'm sad but unsurprised that nothing has really changed since you started this thread. In reality, it sounds like he will never change. If that's the case your options are to put up with it or end the relationship. I can't see why you'd stay.

Deathraystare · 07/10/2014 07:53

Sex with him would be pointless. The evidence that he cannot get it up and has no energy are all around you! If you do ever feel like it, insist he is gagged so he cannot make stupid remarks. Although why you would even want to speak to the lazy arse good for nothing misogynist ever again is beyond me......

Insist SOMEONE walks the dog at least.

Humansatnav · 07/10/2014 07:59

He is a waste of skin.
Please call women's Aid .

StackladysMorphicResonator · 07/10/2014 08:02

How about writing him a letter? Explain to him that the reason you're doing so is that his response to being confronted face-to-face is upsetting and belittling. Tell him exactly what the problems are, including his lack of help around the house, controlling behaviour, sexist comments, and make sure you give examples of each so that he can't claim you're making stuff up.

Also include a paragraph about a time in your relationship when you WERE happy together, and how you felt about him then. He'll see the comparison and probably be shocked.

Then see if he really changes anything - if not, then it's packed bags and out the door.

Seriouslyffs · 07/10/2014 08:26

I think it's gone beyond that, stacklady and wotch shouldn't expend her energies on a trip down memory lane or salvaging this.
Flowers

R4roger · 07/10/2014 08:35

i think the more time people have the less they achieve.
wht was he like before he got made redundant?

hellsbellsmelons · 07/10/2014 08:47

You break the cycle by packing his bags and kicking his lazy arse out of your door.
From your update he sounds like a controlling, abusive bully.
Please call Womens Aid. They can help you understand this and then maybe the scales will start to fall from your eyes.

You get this one life - YES ONE LIFE!
Why the hell are you wasting on this piece of shit??

You would be much much better off without him in your life.

You sound so lovely and you really really really need to get rid of this scrumbag.

Womens Aid! Give them a call.

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