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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like a crank-Vegas stag do...

52 replies

Loveallmyboys · 07/08/2014 11:01

So, OH wants to go on a stag do to Vegas in June. Deposit of £200 is due ASAP and the total cost is about £900 for 3 or 4 nights there. Add to this spends and inevitable clothing etc, we're talking maybe £2000.
In June, DS2 will be about 6-7 months. We just sold our car and are looking for a bigger one now. He's only willing to spend £1500 on one-surely a newer, more reliable car is more important than p*ssing £2k up a wall in Vegas?? We just sold our car for £6k so most of that will be gone! He doesn't want to spend money on the house we currently live in as we're renting(won't even buy paint or curtains for the 3 kids bedrooms as it's expensive?!) me and the kids didn't get a holiday in September, as promised, because he went to Spain on another stag do...
He is the sole bread-winner, I am a SAHM so we are a one-wage family. Surely this amount of money could and should be better spent?! Ugh

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 07/08/2014 11:04

If you are struggling to properly furnish a house (and not having curtains is indicate of that) how on earth can he justify the £2K on a stag do??
Does he think that because you are a SAHM it's his money?

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2014 11:04

Sorry, you have quite a problem there.

He is being beyond unreasonable. But will he take any notice?

Eauneau · 07/08/2014 11:07

The cost of the stag do, the fact its in vegas etc wouldn't bother me per se.

However, you and your kids missing out on a holiday so he can go on these trips is not fair. That is really mean!

YANBU

NickiFury · 07/08/2014 11:08

Ah I had one of these. His trip was to Moscow to watch the European Cup if Liverpool got through Hmm. He was actually trying to take out a loan to go that's how skint we were. He never wanted to spend money on the house either, "dead money" apparently.

You are not a partner or a family to him you are an encumbrance. Personally I couldn't live that way so I chucked him out. He didn't go quietly though.

NameChanged1967 · 07/08/2014 11:09

I think you have much bigger problems than the stag do in Vegas.

Do you have joint finances? Is his attitude "I earned it, I'll spend it on whatever I want"?

DomesticSlobbess · 07/08/2014 11:13

YANBU.

He's willing to let his kids bedroom go without something as basic at curtains but he's happy to spend £2k on himself?

I agree with NameChanged1967, your problems are bigger than a stag do.

Original poster
Loveallmyboys · 07/08/2014 11:29

We aren't struggling financially. He works hard but yes, the money he earns, he sees as his so can spend it any way he wants. He's actually said this.
He's a very good dad to our son. Can be a bit harsh on my 10 year old, at times though which grates on me.
I don't want to break up my family, I wish he wouldn't be so selfish, and would consider what would benefit all of us, not just him.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 07/08/2014 11:33

Yanbu, he's selfish. So he basically told you and didn't discuss with you?
A decent man would look to what his family needs first before himself. Probably feels as he works he needs the 'break'Hmm

Original poster
Loveallmyboys · 07/08/2014 11:40

I've had the crappiest pregnancy too! Would love to have something even a fraction as grand as this to look forward to.
The hormones really aren't helping my rational side take over with this one.
And no, I wasn't asked. It was a given that he's going :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveallmyboys · 07/08/2014 11:41

'All the other lads have kids and they won't get grief for going'

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 07/08/2014 11:41

If you want to stay with him, you need to get a job and force him to pay for his share of childcare. An adult cannot tolerate your circumstances. That's assuming that leaving is out of the question.

eyebags63 · 07/08/2014 11:41

YANBU! Any 2k holiday should be a FAMILY holiday with you and the kids involved, not a weekend piss up in Vegas.

He may be the 'sold breadwinner' but he wouldn't be able to earn a penny if you weren't at home child minding and running the home. They money is family money, not his to piss up as he pleases.

You have wider issues here.

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2014 11:44

He's a very good dad to our son. Can be a bit harsh on my 10 year old, at times though which grates on me.

Another red flag.

NameChanged1967 · 07/08/2014 11:45

'All the other lads have kids and they won't get grief for going'

It would be interesting to hear their partners' version of this, wouldn't it?

Nancy66 · 07/08/2014 11:47

so he behaves in an unpleasant way towards your son from another relationship?

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 07/08/2014 11:50

2k?! He'd be coming home to locked doors.

Fairenuff · 07/08/2014 11:50

Sorry, OP, you can wish all you like that he wouldn't be so selfish but he is. That's him.

You cannot change him, you can only decide how you want to react to him. You have 3 options really:

  1. Accept him the way he is, understand that you and the children will always come second to him and live your life with him like this. Grim.

  2. Tell him that things need to change, you won't be putting up with him calling the shots just because he earns a wage. Your work raising his children is just as valuable and from now on, you will have an equal say. If he can't agree to that, you have no option but to separate.

  3. Carry on as you are, letting him do what he likes and moan about it to anyone who will listen.

Which do you want to go with?

Original poster
Loveallmyboys · 07/08/2014 11:57

He's not unpleasant, as such. My eldest is quite stubborn-won't try new things whether it be foods or activities. This is frustrating as we dont feel he is getting the best out of his childhood being so reluctant to explore new 'scary' things. Bring his mum, I'm sort of used to this and tend to pussyfoot around it. OH just wants him to snap out of it, for want if a better expression.
And yes, I would love to be a fly on the wall of the other WAGS having this conversation with their OHs!
Wonder if this was posted on 'mensnet' if I'd get the same answers?? Doubt it! Haha

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 07/08/2014 11:59

He is getting a bit of a harsh time yet has taken on the role of being the sole earner to his partner, son and a child that is not his own and you still begrudge him spending his own earnings?

If you were the sole earner, would you let him dictate how you could spend your wages? Probably not.

You decided not to work and could do so if you wished as childcare is available in most places.

He should treat your son well though but you may vary on discipline as it natural with many parents.

laregina · 07/08/2014 12:01

OP as others have said, the Vegas issue seems like the thin end of the wedge compared to others you've mentioned.

He's a very good dad to our son. Can be a bit harsh on my 10 year old, at times though which grates on me

Personally that would be a deal breaker for me. As would his horribly selfish attitude to money.

So no, YANBU Sad

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2014 12:02

If you are a family, I don't get the 'his own earnings'.

By that criteria he should be paying the OP a wage.

writtenguarantee · 07/08/2014 12:10

By that criteria he should be paying the OP a wage.

indeed. the going london rate is 60 per day/child for childcare. As others have said, his attitude that it's his money is a big problem.

Original poster
Loveallmyboys · 07/08/2014 12:12

If the financial situation were reversed and I was the money-maker, I'd realise that I was working to provide for the family and his job was to bring up the children.
I've always been thankful to him for taking me as a package deal. Can't be easy! Do t know if I could have done it?
I'd started up my own business in March this year but after a couple if months I found out I was pregnant(big shock) then at the same time my dad was diagnosed with cancer and being an only child. It's been down to me to look after him stayed at his house for 3 weeks solid after his surgery. Add to that the very heavy bleeding I've had from the start of this pregnancy. I've been pretty much housebound for must of it. So, I had to give up on my little business for now :(

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 07/08/2014 12:14

So he reneged on a promise to take his family on holiday so he could go on a piss up?
He's a good dad to his biological child but less so to the other one.
He considers the money he earns to be his alone and is happy for you t suffer while he lives the life of riley.

Sounds a catch.

Hulababy · 07/08/2014 12:17

DaisyFlowerChain

I don't see it as HIS earnings. I see it as the FAMILY income. But then to me hen you are in a relationship with a partner and especially with children it is a team, a partnership and everyone is equal.

I do have a job and earn an income, but DH earns significantly more than me. However, I have done other roles during this time which has enabled him to progress in his career much more than if I hadn't done/ Part of this is working PT and being there to look after our child, etc.

But as an equal partnership both of our income goes into a joint money pot for us to both use. Neither of us would say we had a greater hold over the money and could use it regardless of the other.

No nice, kind man would really spend a fortune on a 3 day holiday for himself whilst his wife and children were left home alone n, not being allowed new curtains or a holiday together. Well, certainly not any of the decent men I know would!

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