Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To impose strict rules on "Gaming Night"

53 replies

phonebox · 07/08/2014 08:59

DH enjoyed a rare evening without me last night as I was at a party.

It appears he spent the time re-acquainting himself with a beloved PC game of his that I have moaned about him playing in front of me before, because it affects his mood - it makes him zoned out and spacey, even to the point of verbal aggression before. This is most unlike him normally but he gets addicted and then frustrated with the game.

Anyway lately he has dramatically cut down on his gaming as we've found hobbies we like doing together and he's been busy with work.

When I got back from the party he asked me if he could have "Gaming Night" one night a week where he just plays non-stop games all evening, as he used to before he met me (only it was more like 6 days a week then!).

AIBU to allow the gaming, but insist he does not play in the front room and that he stops immediately if I need him for something, with a complete ban if it makes him angry again?

We don't have DC (yet) but I don't like the way gaming completely zones him out in the way no other interest of his does - it's somewhat alienating.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/08/2014 09:02

Yabu, other than maybe the front room thing. He is an adult and it's not your place to dictate how he spends his time.

If he was wanting to do it every night then fair enough but one night a week to do what he wants, especially when you have no children is more than a reasonable request.

Mrsjayy · 07/08/2014 09:02

Urm he isnt a teenager how can he have permission to play on the computer if he gets arsey after playing tell him to grow up

Mrsjayy · 07/08/2014 09:03

Why do you need his full attention all the time

Whilewildeisonmine · 07/08/2014 09:05

You sound more like his mother than his wife.

Original poster
phonebox · 07/08/2014 09:05

It's not an attention thing - I'd be happy if he was going out of the house completely to do his hobby.

The point is that this particular hobby affects his mood, he knows I don't like it and it's very visible when he plays in the house.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/08/2014 09:06

And what would you need him for? Given you have no children I find it hard to think of anything you would need him to stop enjoying himself to help you immediatly.

CrohnicallyDepressed · 07/08/2014 09:07

Rather than imposing rules (which makes you sound like his mother), why not come to an agreement (as equal partners)?

You want one of the rules to be that he will stop immediately if you need him. Why not instead suggest that you will only interrupt him if it's emergency, so in the rare case that you do need to interrupt you expect his full attention immediately? And then follow through, don't faff about offering drinks or anything just ignore him and have an evening entirely to yourself, unless your leg's about to drop off!

CalamitouslyWrong · 07/08/2014 09:09

You wouldn't be unreasonable if he was your son. I'm Confused that anyone would say to their husband that they aren't allowed to do something in the living room and that they must stop immediately if they need him for something.

What would you say if he banned you from MN on the basis that he didn't think it was good for you?

NickiFury · 07/08/2014 09:09

You sound very controlling about this. I'm also interested in what you might need that he would have to stop playing immediately?

DogCalledRudis · 07/08/2014 09:09

YABVU. He's your husbands ffs, not your child.
Personally i never understand how two adult people "allow/ban" doing things... Hmm

Mrsjayy · 07/08/2014 09:11

Look my husband is a gamer drives me up the wall and yes when he is playing COD he can get really vocal and annoyed with it I just laugh at him tbh. So what if your h gets a bit frustrated why does it bother you.

Original poster
phonebox · 07/08/2014 09:14

Because he gets frustrated with me afterwards, which he never does when he's not been playing it. For several hours afterwards, he's quiet, snappy and preoccupied. I find it all a bit disturbing TBH.

OP posts:
MorphineDreams · 07/08/2014 09:16

Wow.

'Allow' him a gaming night Hmm he's a grown man. Can do as he pleases. We all get distracted when we're involved in something and someone is pestering us. I don't see why you'd need to interrupt him anyway to be honest.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/08/2014 09:17

How would you feel if he imposed a matching set of rules about something you enjoyed doing?

I can understand you not wanting him taking over the living room with it all evening, but the rest is bonkers. And I agree with everyone else, what on earth could you possibly need him for when you don't have children?

externalwallinsulation · 07/08/2014 09:18

I think what people are maybe missing here is that the OP's DH sounds like he has a problematic relationship with gaming, something a bit like an addiction. Not only has he been unable to stop playing in the past, but his mood and demeanour are also affected. Someone being distant, spaced out, and frustrated (subtext: angry) is not a normal response to gaming!

So this is more equivalent to someone who has been on the verge of a drink problem saying 'Is it OK if I have a few while you're out?'. The OP has a right to be concerned and perhaps a discussion where both parties agree some limits, and a safe 'stopping' point would be a good idea.

sunbathe · 07/08/2014 09:23

YABU.

Can't you 'ignore' each other for an evening, including the downtime afterwards when you think he's affected?

Sort out a hobby you can immerse yourself in for an evening. Fitness? Writing? Going out? Long bath and an early night? Archery?

Micksy · 07/08/2014 09:25

Yanbu. If he stopped playing altogether then he knows what the issues are. Agree ground rules in advance. If he cared enough to stop before he sounds like he will be prepared to listen to your concerns.

CalamitouslyWrong · 07/08/2014 09:25

You can't 'save' someone from an addiction by policing their actions.

If his behaviour afterwards is the problem then address that. Tell him you won't stand for it. Don't go around making silly gaming night rules like you would if he was 13.

KnackeredMuchly · 07/08/2014 09:26

YABU - one night a week sounds reasonable but the rest of it very strict.

I married a gamer and he doesnt really play at all now due to time.

But, at the beginning, he was allowed to play in the living room. I could be a small part of it somehow by watching tiny bits of it. If it is only an evening a week and you hate it so much you can leave, go out, read in your bedroom etc. As for the "stop immediately whenever I need something" that would be a no deal to DH. When he is gaming nothing else is immediate.

But then if I got into the game a little bit I knew when he could break and when he "couldn't".

Mentioning a ban makes you sound like a bitch. Not saying you are one but cross that bridhe if you come to it. Explain that if hr was happier after playing etc you'd be more inclined to let him do it more often so when he gets in a foul mood he shouldn't be surprised you don't want him to play. That might encourage him better.

caeleth84 · 07/08/2014 09:32

I think it's reasonable to ask him not to play in the front room, and that if it affects his behaviour again he agrees to stop (not you banning him, but him realizing that his behaviour is unreasonable).

It is not reasonable that he should need to "stop immediately if you need him". If he was out of the house he couldn't instantly be there if you needed something. Most games nowadays don't have a pause button, so it's entirely unreasonable to just expect him to up and leave in the middle of something for a whim. He's not a child. Obviously if the house is burning down around him it's different, but then he ought to realize that by himself too ;)

Honestly if you don't have children I don't see why he has to limit himself to playing only one night, he ought to be able to play more than that and whenever he wants to (provided his behaviour doesn't suffer) as long as he also spends time with you. But since he's had issues with it before, then I don't see why not start with one night to see if he can play without becoming agressive, and then let him control his own time and hobbies...

CalamitouslyWrong · 07/08/2014 09:39

I can't imagine telling DH he's only allowed to play videogames one night a week. He's a grown up; he can decide for himself! He doesn't tell me I can only MN or crochet or read crap YA novels or watch tv (or anything else) one night a week because I'd tell him to bugger off. And it's his living room too. I don't get to dictate what goes on there. We negotiate over the shared space we live in and accommodate each other.

The aggressive, snappy behaviour is an entirely different issue. It doesn't matter what he's been doing beforehand; it's not OK to treat you badly. Set that as a basic rule (for general life) and you don't need to go around telling him what hobbies he can peruse and when.

DaisyFlowerChain · 07/08/2014 09:40

Why can't he play when he likes? He's a grown man and can choose how he spends his time. He's well and truly under the thumb if he has to ask permission to do something, hopefully someone will tell him that's not what adults have to do.

JassyRadlett · 07/08/2014 09:40

I

JassyRadlett · 07/08/2014 09:40

Oo

FlyntCoal · 07/08/2014 09:41

Can I ask what game it is? Reason I ask, a lot of games are online involving lots of other players.... And so yes, asking someone to stop immediately will not only affect your DP but other gamers too. And forcing even a not very serious gamer such as myself to stop immediately, without any notice, would affect my mood if I was mid quest, or mission, or whatever the game entails, as I would be letting other people down.

Swipe left for the next trending thread