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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To impose strict rules on "Gaming Night"

53 replies

phonebox · 07/08/2014 08:59

DH enjoyed a rare evening without me last night as I was at a party.

It appears he spent the time re-acquainting himself with a beloved PC game of his that I have moaned about him playing in front of me before, because it affects his mood - it makes him zoned out and spacey, even to the point of verbal aggression before. This is most unlike him normally but he gets addicted and then frustrated with the game.

Anyway lately he has dramatically cut down on his gaming as we've found hobbies we like doing together and he's been busy with work.

When I got back from the party he asked me if he could have "Gaming Night" one night a week where he just plays non-stop games all evening, as he used to before he met me (only it was more like 6 days a week then!).

AIBU to allow the gaming, but insist he does not play in the front room and that he stops immediately if I need him for something, with a complete ban if it makes him angry again?

We don't have DC (yet) but I don't like the way gaming completely zones him out in the way no other interest of his does - it's somewhat alienating.

OP posts:

NeoFaust · 07/08/2014 09:43

What game is he playing? Cos if he gets gaming rage over farmville, then your concern is entirely reasonable.

JassyRadlett · 07/08/2014 09:44

Sorry. Don't know what happened there.

I'd take a less dictatorial approach but also try to meet him halfway - you're a partnership. Express how you feel: You're really worried about how they affect his mood and how he behaves towards you, and it's a dynamic that makes you feel unhappy. So can you keep it under review, and can he be mindful of how he behaves after playing.'

A much more adult conversation.

Altinkum · 07/08/2014 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trollsworth · 07/08/2014 09:51

If my dp told me I could only play computer games one night a week, to be withdrawn on his whim, I'd leave him. It's control freak behaviour. Either tolerate the things he likes to do with his time, or leave him. Don't dictate.

Original poster

phonebox · 07/08/2014 09:55

Perhaps I'm coming across much more dictatorial on this thread than usual. I was taking the piss out of myself a little bit!

As far as I know (I've never really involved myself much) it's a multi-player game that does involve real-time play with others online. I do get a little freaked when I hear him shouting at other players over his headset because it's so unlike him usually. And I just find the whole concept so odd, although on reflection, for him it's only a more verbal form of Mumsnet I guess.

Of course he can do what he likes in terms of his hobbies, but I wasn't happy with his post-gaming behaviour previously and the way his gaming was taking him away from his work (he'd stay up all night playing and be knackered the next morning, and there were other things he was letting slide too, like personal hygiene!).

He's so much better now and I don't want to lose the steadiness and motivation for life he's got going. If I see all that motivation and positive energy at risk of being sapped by gaming again, I want to make sure we've agreed some boundaries beforehand.

We're lucky that we are really open and honest with each other, and he always takes on board what I say. I'm just wondering what the best way to express my feelings would be without coming across as a controlling bitch as some of you have suggested!

OP posts:

KnackeredMuchly · 07/08/2014 09:59

Why not watch him play for an evening see what it's all about?

Trollsworth · 07/08/2014 10:00

I understand where you are coming from, I really do. My ex used to play online multiplayer games, sometimes until 5am, and wouldn't help me with the kids if he was gaming, would miss work etc.

but making rules didn't stop this, all it did was upset me when he 'broke' my rules, and his promises.

He will be reasonable if he wants to be reasonable. If he doesn't, then he won't. None of your rules will change this. Either tolerate it, or don't. Don't try to control it, because you can't.

SavoyCabbage · 07/08/2014 10:01

Yabu. My dh has hobbies, including one that takes him out of the house till about 2pm on one day every weekend.

Viviennemary · 07/08/2014 10:07

I agree you're not his mother. What happens if he breaks the rules. Does he he get sanctioned. It's a mad set-up for a grown up relationship.

Nessalina · 07/08/2014 10:07

I'm a bit of a gamer myself, and DH gets annoyed sometimes when I play because I totally zone out and ignore the real world! If he told me that a) I could only play once a week, and b) I had to drop everything IMMEDIATELY to pay attention to him if he needed me, I would tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.
The fact is with these type of games, such as COD or WoW, you're often playing with real people, and to leave the game space halfway through a mission or a raid is downright rude, because it often cocks up the game for those you're playing with too, so it does nothing for your reputation.
Imagine you wanted to spend one evening down the pub a week with your friends - it's like he's asking for permission to appear halfway through your conversation and frogmarch you out of the building without a by your leave to your friends. Sounds a bit controlling, right?
Very unreasonable I'm afraid. I know it's hard when it's not something that interests you, and especially if he's irritable afterwards, but it's a totally reasonable way for him to spend his own free time. What you DO need to handle is his behaviour afterwards - if he snaps at you when he's done, then don't blame the game, blame the gamer. That's behaviour that you need to have a conversation about.

Preciousbane · 07/08/2014 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sezamcgregor · 07/08/2014 10:16

Why don't you use that one day/evening a week to get out, see some friends, have a hobby. Leave DH to it and let him enjoy his hobby while you do something for yourself.

As a married couple, you're supposed to have respect for one another

caeleth84 · 07/08/2014 10:26

I'd suggest a proper chat with him about what exactly disturbs you about it - all the things you've mentioned: aggressiveness, staying up late, hygiene. Ignore the gaming part per se, it's a fast track to defensiveness on his part to set limits to when he should/shouldn't play etc. But I think boundaries on how he acts in general is fair enough given the earlier history. If pointed out gently any reasonable person would agree that it is never acceptable to be aggressive towards their spouse (or anyone!), letting personal hygiene slip or being unable to function at work / in general.

Although if it's one of the shooting games etc and is online then you'll need to accept the shouting at other people etc, which is why it'd be a good idea for him not to be doing it in the front room. I would never game with a headset on in a common room, I find that rude. Listening in on one-sided conversations is never fun.

thecook · 07/08/2014 11:10

Wow. What sort of relationship do you have where he feels he has to ask your permission to play computer games? I am glad I ain't in a relationship with you OP!

You say playing this one computer games affects his mood. Are you sure that isn't because you are a complete nag OP?

externalwallinsulation · 07/08/2014 11:12

A 'nag'? What is this, 1962?

thecook · 07/08/2014 11:19

Oh hello externalwallinsulation

I do apologise. Would harridan be more acceptable?

gamerchick · 07/08/2014 11:22

What's he playing? There are games like WOW where people have dropped dead at their machines, because of the addiction.

If my husband tried to lay the law down about me gaming I would not be happy about it.. However it isn't all consuming for me and sounds as though the can be for your dude.

You do sound mega controlling though.. 'rare night without you'?

MostWicked · 07/08/2014 11:30

Because he gets frustrated with me afterwards

That's the bit that you need to have a conversation about - and I really do mean a 2-way conversation. This will never be solved by him asking permission for something and you dictating rules.
He needs to find ways of recognising his own frustrations and dealing with them another way. He's a grown up. He needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour.

FraidyCat · 07/08/2014 11:36

I think OP has completely justified being controlling about his game-playing in her original post.

Having said that, with regard to:-

and that he stops immediately if I need him for something

It's completely unreasonable to yank someone out of an immersive emotional activity just because it suits you. Never mind the bit about it being a multi-player game, if he were halfway through listening to an opera or watching a good movie or a football game, anyone who just yanked him out of it in the middle for anything less than a life-or-death emergency would deserve to be on the receiving end of a considerable amount of anger.

BreakingDad77 · 07/08/2014 11:37

Id agree with the general points nessalina makes, can he play somewhere else in the house?

People need to take computer games more seriously as people get very passionate about it. It should be seen in the same light as people following sports teams, people go mental over the performance of their beloved teams ups and downs through the year (even though they have no chance of winning anything!)

Sallystyle · 07/08/2014 11:46

I can see where you are coming from OP.

It is a serious addiction in some people. However, this is his problem to deal with and instead of putting ground rules on his gaming I would deal with the behaviour towards you instead.

Like MostWicked said, you need a conversation about that. Putting rules in place is a bit silly and as an adult not something you can fairly do, but you don't have to put up with him being an arse to you after. Is he funny with you because you keep moaning at him and interrupting him? or is he still the same way if you completely leave him to it?

I also think it is wrong to enter a relationship with a gamer and then try to change that. You probably didn't know just how much it would affect you until later on in the relationship but I would be pretty pissed off if my husband tried to stop me doing something that I had been doing for years before I met him. I would completely understand if I was acting like a shit and he wanted to deal with that, but to tell me I can only do my hobby once a week with ground rules? yeah that would not fly at all.

FairPhyllis · 07/08/2014 11:47

I'm going to go against the flow and say, actually, I think he's set you up to fail here.

By asking you for "permission", he's introduced a dynamic where he puts you in a parental role. I'd be really unhappy about a partner doing that to me, because it forces you to either put up with something you don't want (him getting aggressive towards you) or have someone sulking because you're "controlling" them.

I think I would say to him that it's not about you giving him "permission". It's about whether he can game in a way that doesn't make him aggressive towards you, and as a grownup he should be the one who decides whether he can do that or not, and then act accordingly. And I definitely would say that I don't appreciate being made the "parent" - it's a really bad dynamic to introduce into a relationship.

Partners should be capable of acting with respect for each other without one of them having to set rules about things. For him, that might mean he has to recognise that gaming makes him aggressive towards you, that it's not acceptable for you to live with that, and so he doesn't do it anymore.

Ask him what will be different this time? How will he prevent his moods from being affected and impacting you? If he doesn't have an answer, he's expecting you to put up with it.

Original poster

phonebox · 07/08/2014 12:10

That's interesting, FairPhyllis.

I think I phrased the title badly. I meant more of a strict agreement rather than rules - I would never demand something and expect DH to go along with something if he disagreed or if it made him unhappy! We have a very good relationship and come to easy compromises on most things.

Which is why the whole gaming issue is quite an emotive one, because it's the only activity that affects his attitude towards me.

I'll take your advice and have a good chat to him about it. Thanks all.

OP posts:

FairPhyllis · 07/08/2014 12:26

Look at it this way. If the scenario was that he was getting mildly nasty like this once a week after having a few drinks, I think posters would be finding it a lot easier to say, "It's up to him to make choices that don't result in you having to put up with aggressive moods in your own home every week."

If it does affect him as you say it does and he genuinely can't control his mood afterward, this is a bit like an alcoholic on the wagon asking for permission to drink just once a week ...

Deliaskis · 07/08/2014 12:29

I agree with wicked that the 'rules' (or rather the grown-up, 2-sided, respectful conversation) need to be about his behaviour to you and the impact on his life in general, rather than about the gaming itself. SO I would be talking about how unpleasant he was to be with last time, and how it affected your relationship, and how if that type of behaviour were to happen again, it would be a dealbreaker for you (if it is). I would then ask him what he thinks he could do or not do to minimise the risk of this happening again, and what you could do to support his plan so that it was unlikely to get that bad again. He has to take responsibility for it himself though, you can't really tell him what he can and can't do, he has to be a grown up and make those decisions himself.

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