Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so overwhelmed?

103 replies

lonelyhermitmum · 05/08/2014 15:09

I have NC'd for this as I don't want my MNet friends to know how pathetic I am Sad

I have a much longed for dd, 15 weeks old, who I am very grateful for and love very much.

I just feel so completely overwhelmed with life at the moment and I can't see any way out. DD seems to be to be quite a high needs baby. She will only amuse herself in the bouncy chair for 5-10 mins at a time before she starts screaming. I find it difficult to get even little things (like cleaning my teeth or going to the loo) done. She seems to get bored very easily and needs constant play and stimulation. Due to sleep deprivation I am struggling to give her so much attention all the time, I have little patience as I feel so on edge, and my lovely dog gets so little of my time any more Sad.

She sleeps for 30-60 minutes around four times during the day, but during this time I am running around doing housework and washing. I am very house proud and really want dd to live in a clean and tidy home. I have a cleaner who does a couple of hours a week but there is always so much more to do. I use cloth nappies as I have read somewhere that they are best but they are so time consuming to rinse, wash and dry etc. I would love to go back to disposables but I think i'd feel guilty.

I have had PND and though I feel a lot better I still feel quite down most of the time.

My partner works long hours, and is usually out of the house for over 10-12 hours a day, so he normally doesn't even see dd or can help during the week as she's in bed when he leaves and gets home.

I have become very reclusive, as I am too scared of leaving the house and messing up her nap routine - she then becomes very difficult when we come home and sleeps badly that night. It's like a military operation getting ready to go out and i'm so tired anyway that it just isn't worth it. I don't know any other mums, and I am a real introvert so struggle to meet people - I don't know if people would understand about the PND and how difficult I find things. I wouldn't want them to think i'm a bad mum.

I know this all probably sounds very normal to some of you, but i'm just finding it so hard. I look to the future and see 4 month sleep regression, teething, terrible twos, tantrums, potty training problems etc in front of me and it just makes me want to cry. I would love more children but the thought of having a newborn and a toddler seems impossible. If I can't cope with one child, how on earth could I ever have two?!

Thank you for reading my novel Thanks

OP posts:
Jollyphonics · 06/08/2014 10:01

I haven't read all the replies so apologies for any duplication.

I'm a single parent having split with my ex a few weeks before DS was born, so I know how overwhelming it can be on your own. I too had a full and fulfilling life beforehand - running, gym, cinema - and although I loved motherhood it was a massive shock to the system.

My advice would be to ditch the washable nappies. If you feel guilty, tell yourself it's just temporary, until you're feeling a bit stronger. You've got plenty of nappy years ahead if you choose to go back to washables.

Use the sling all the time, then you can get some chores done while your baby is awake, enabling you to rest a bit when she's sleeping.

Go out every day. Every day - even if it's just a walk around the block. That was the best piece of advice I got. If I didn't have something specific planned, I would walk to the village shop, buy a couple of things, walk around the village a bit etc. I also did a brisk 3 mile round trip to the next village almost every day, which helped me shift the weight I'd gained.

Speak to your health visitor about local baby groups. If you're not brave enough to walk into a random one, ask if the HV organises any, like baby massage, baby music,that sort of thing. I know it's hard if you're a natural introvert, but a lot of people will be in the same boat, and babies really are a natural ice-breaker.

Above all, don't set yourself unachievable targets in terms of house tidiness and so on. Do what it takes to survive, even if it doesn't fit the ideal that you planned.

And remember, this isn't for ever. Sure you won't get that exact old freedom back until your child is much older, but you'll get some freedom back before then, and you'll be able to get some of your old life back.

Coughle · 06/08/2014 10:10

You have gotten so much good advice already, I don't have much to add, but your op struck a note with me. I just want to tell you that it WILL get better. You only think you can't cope because you've never had to cope with anything like this before. But every day it will get easier.

Soon the logistical things will be second nature - laundry, napping, etc. You will start to get a bit more sleep, and that makes a huge difference. You will meet one mum that you click with, and then another, and pretty soon you will have a small group of people who get it, who you can moan to about the really awful days.

You'll gain confidence. You'll feel relaxed and in control. Maybe not every day, but some days.

You're a great mum already. Find a support group for mums with pnd, get the help you need, switch to disposables at least for a few weeks, let your dh unload the dishwasher. Hang in there, you will get through this.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 06/08/2014 10:42

Please tell your retired friend how you feel. Imagine she was feeling lonely and low. Wouldn't you want to be there for her?

Parenting a high needs baby is so tough. Hang on in there.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 06/08/2014 11:45

Please tell your retired friend how you feel. Imagine she was feeling lonely and low. Wouldn't you want to be there for her?

Parenting a high needs baby is so tough. Hang on in there.

spababe · 07/08/2014 18:51

Home Start charity might be able to help you as well. I think they have more mature volunteers that come round to give you a break or just talk things through

Saltedcaramel2014 · 07/08/2014 19:03

Your standards seem very high to me. Mental health is such a precious thing. It's funny how easy it is to say (and I include myself in this) the dishes must be done, and somehow that goes above having a nap that will enable you to function and get back to being functioning and happy. Because sleep deprivation is brutal. Your good mental health is a lot more important than whether you use cloth nappies. My baby has always got bored and fed up if we don't go out of the house. It could be that it might help - naps are important but you can time it. I think you need to grt out more and your baby probably does too. You don't have to make friends - you could do am activity like swming or something?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/08/2014 20:13

Oh you poor chicken. I was a 12 hour away DH when DD was born. I'd get in, and I'd cuddle a screaming baby while DW sobbed helplessly. Then I'd take the baby away so DW could have a nap, cook dinner with DD in the front carrier, fold up the dry laundry, quick run round with hoover, by which time DW could think about eating.

Your DH needs to put in AS A MINIMUM an hour of housework a night. Give him chemicals to play with or floors to mop. He does his own shirts too, and the online banking at least half the week.

HTH.

Phineyj · 07/08/2014 20:22

A couple of things that have helped my friends are dancing about to music with baby in a sling (cheered both up and the DC grew up to be a professional musician Grin) and doing the mother's help thing someone mentioned above, booking them for teatime, which I find is the hardest part of the day when you don't have help. DH could put in more time on housework/admin as suggested above -- or make you a packed lunch. YY to contacting your retired friend. Perhaps she could help you get out to a group? The music groups at the library are usually drop-in.

Fishstix · 07/08/2014 21:16

Hey Hermitmum, how are you feeling today? Thinking of you.

slightlyconfused85 · 07/08/2014 21:27

Op I used to feel just like this. I found early days so hard but things got so much better at about 4 to 6 months. Are you anywhere near Brighton as I live here and will be your friend!

SloeGinFizz · 07/08/2014 21:37

Hi Op,

I haven't read all the responses yet but have a 21 week old and frequently feel overwhelmed so can understand how you feel! She tends to catnap at best and is pretty active while she's awake. I, like you, am becoming a slave to the routine (...who am I kidding - i'm trying hard to get some sense of routine...)

Anyway...I also wanted to say I live between Brighton and Worthing so if you happen to be in that area I'd be happy to meet up for a walk or coffee, I know how isolating trying to do everything 'right' can be!

Take care

buddles · 07/08/2014 21:39

It does get easier, believe me. I felt the same as you, I was never diagnosed with pnd but I do have low mood/anxiety which doesn't help.

I'll admit, I still have days where I feel like you do, and my DS is almost 28 months. It doesn't help that I've just moved to a new area and know no one here.

I'd definitely recommend sleeping when baby does. I still do sometimes.

I've just moved from the Sussex Coast to mid Sussex but feel free to pm me Grin

Original poster
lonelyhermitmum · 07/08/2014 21:39

Hey everyone, sorry have only just checked the thread today! Thanks for asking how I am and thinking of me Thanks

I've had a good day. A friend came over, we went to the pet shop and supermarket and then she looked after dd so I could do an exercise dvd. Nothing exciting but it made the world of difference as I hadn't left the house since last weekend. She said that she'd be willing to look after dd for an hour a two a week if she's free so I can exercise. Just doing that would make such a difference to my mental health.

slightlyconfused yes I live in Brighton Smile. And what's more, if the number in your user name is your DOB then we're the same age too!

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyhermitmum · 07/08/2014 21:41

X post sloe yes I'm near you. A coffee would be fab. Same for you buddies! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyhermitmum · 07/08/2014 21:44

Sorry, buddles Damned autocorrect!

OP posts:
Nicola19 · 07/08/2014 21:53

Lots of great things that might be useful written here. I would say the four most absolute things you must do starting from immediately are:

  1. Wear your sling in the house more, baby might fuss a lot less
  2. Use disposables
  3. Force those standards of house proudliness down
  4. DH takes over for couple hours when he gets home (sorry if he already does this and I've missed it)
Fishstix · 07/08/2014 21:53

Glad to hear you've had a good day, and that there are MNers nearby you can meet. :) remember the thread is always here so come back whenever you need to offload.

magicmeaway · 07/08/2014 22:04

Maybe try putting the baby in a buggy and wheeling it around the house as you're cleaning - I did this with DS and it meant I could chat to him or he could just watch what I was doing. And sometimes I'd park him in front of the tv

I know it's hard to do - but you need to make cleaning the house less of a priority. Before DS1 was born I did so much housework - now I do the bare minimum and the house still looks kind of ok!

Definitely getting out everyday even for a walk makes a difference

Lieveke77 · 07/08/2014 22:18

Im so sorry you feel this way it is really hard the first time but it will pass and eventually you'll feel good and like yourself again!

Try to go out (in this lovely weather) for a short walk fresh air is good for both you and baby plus a distraction. Shopping theraphy also works wonders no need to talk to anyone unless you want but nice to be out the house amongst people helps to feel normal again a bit

Try the floradix liquid iron and multivitamin drink its really good to replenish your body after all the hard work its been through specially if your BF.

In a few months time you ll look back and realize you've come out the other end of ge tunnel and all will be well again - relax:)

buddles · 07/08/2014 23:55

Glad you had a good day Thanks

Exercise is so important, it can help you feel better physically and mentally! I'd love some time to do one of my exercise DVDs Grin

Can't believe there are so many MNers in Brighton when I've literally just moved from there! (Only 40 mins drive away now though and still go down every week!)

Crystalballs · 08/08/2014 00:19

All I really wanted to say was that this will pass, so don't feel hopeless that this is it. I felt very much like you do but it is just temporary. Just a small pocket of time in the grand scheme of things, try to think of it like that. It won't be so overwhelming.

slightlyconfused85 · 08/08/2014 06:56

Op pm me. My dd is a bit older but I am a teacher on summer holidays and we have plenty of time so we would love to meet you. And 85 sure is my dob! Honestly, I found the beginning bloody awful and obsessed about naps etc but it got better honestly! Let's talk...

SugarplumKate · 08/08/2014 08:16

OP, I have a coorie sling (stretchy wrap) that was very comfy to wear. I'm very happy to send it onto you if you PM me your address. Xxx

avocadoaddict · 08/08/2014 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lonelyhermitmum · 08/08/2014 08:48

Thanks so much for the offer, that's so kind of you. I do have a stretchy wrap - have tried it with dd a few times this week and she hates it! Loved it when she was a newborn though confused

She still likes the carrier though. Small mercies!!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread