to feel so overwhelmed?

[lonelyhermitmum]

I have NC'd for this as I don't want my MNet friends to know how pathetic I am

I have a much longed for dd, 15 weeks old, who I am very grateful for and love very much.

I just feel so completely overwhelmed with life at the moment and I can't see any way out. DD seems to be to be quite a high needs baby. She will only amuse herself in the bouncy chair for 5-10 mins at a time before she starts screaming. I find it difficult to get even little things (like cleaning my teeth or going to the loo) done. She seems to get bored very easily and needs constant play and stimulation. Due to sleep deprivation I am struggling to give her so much attention all the time, I have little patience as I feel so on edge, and my lovely dog gets so little of my time any more .

She sleeps for 30-60 minutes around four times during the day, but during this time I am running around doing housework and washing. I am very house proud and really want dd to live in a clean and tidy home. I have a cleaner who does a couple of hours a week but there is always so much more to do. I use cloth nappies as I have read somewhere that they are best but they are so time consuming to rinse, wash and dry etc. I would love to go back to disposables but I think i'd feel guilty.

I have had PND and though I feel a lot better I still feel quite down most of the time.

My partner works long hours, and is usually out of the house for over 10-12 hours a day, so he normally doesn't even see dd or can help during the week as she's in bed when he leaves and gets home.

I have become very reclusive, as I am too scared of leaving the house and messing up her nap routine - she then becomes very difficult when we come home and sleeps badly that night. It's like a military operation getting ready to go out and i'm so tired anyway that it just isn't worth it. I don't know any other mums, and I am a real introvert so struggle to meet people - I don't know if people would understand about the PND and how difficult I find things. I wouldn't want them to think i'm a bad mum.

I know this all probably sounds very normal to some of you, but i'm just finding it so hard. I look to the future and see 4 month sleep regression, teething, terrible twos, tantrums, potty training problems etc in front of me and it just makes me want to cry. I would love more children but the thought of having a newborn and a toddler seems impossible. If I can't cope with one child, how on earth could I ever have two?!

Thank you for reading my novel

Can the cleaner come another day as well? Ffs change to disposable nappies dont give it a second thought. Get out for some fresh air EVERY DAY this is sooo important for your sanity. Its good for baby too.

It actually sounds like you are coping really well. This is such a knackering stage.

What treatment have you had for the PND?

Everyone else has given such good advice.

From one perfectionist to another: it's ok for things to not be just right for a while. Good enough really is good enough. Your health and our baby's happiness are the two most important things you need to look after just now.

More for you! and . too.

You need to sleep during at least one or two of her daily naps.

Practically, can you afford one of those battery operated swings (Or maybe they work by mains electricity, I dunno, I never had one)? She might sit quite happily in there for some time every day while you get the most urgent chores done. That way you could sleep while she sleeps.

Uhm, *your baby's...

cailindana I was prescribed paroxetine (I think it's called) which my gp said is the only anti-depressant considered 100% safe whilst breastfeeding. Unfortunately it gave me really bad insomnia so I was advised to stop it.

Holger I bought one and she didn't like it

Thanks everyone so much for your messages and advice

Hello, it is nearly 24 years since I was in your position but you sound so similar to me as I was then that I thought I would respond. Apologies in advance if I sound aged and old fashioned!
For me there was so much social pressure around me to be perfect - or so I thought. You don't need to be, so cut yourself some slack.
I do so agree it is hard when your partner is away for such long hours, even though they may be helpful and supportive when they are there.
As other posters have said, I would ditch the terry nappies and go into disposables.
Could you afford a little extra cleaning, if the state of the house is worrying you?
My biggest piece of advice is to make sure you get out everyday with your pushchair/pram. The fresh air will do you both good. Don't worry about upsetting baby's routine, she will probably soon get into a "revised" one which takes account of sleeping in her pushchair.
I walked miles and miles with my first boy. There was a little cafe I used to stop at for a break along the way, and people I got to know in local shops which meant I was less isolated.
Personally I hated mother and baby groups as my poor little unsettled lad who cried a lot and slept little during the day always compared unfavourably to the other babies, who to me always appeared practically comatose in their bouncy chairs! With hindsight, how horrid of me to compare him.
I spoke to my health visitor at the time and she put me in touch with another local new mum who was going through similar things, so that was better for me, to speak one-to-one with someone - I've never really been a joiner of groups.
I found it helpful to put my boy safely down in his cot if and when his crying and "neediness" got to me, to close the door and go downstairs. I would then tell myself I would leave him for 10 minutes then go back. Mostly by the end of the 10 mins he was either asleep or just murmuring to himself.
I would put on a music tape (CD now!) to soothe him.
I joined "Cry-sis" - the organisation for parents of crying and sleepless babies - that was a godsend as there were people you could speak to by phone for reassurance and advice.
They could also recommend things like rocking chairs, music, slings etc.
I eventually learned it was okay to leave him a little while, say, in front of the TV, in his bouncy chair. Try a Tom and Jerry DVD - mine loved the bright colours, bangs and crashes and orchestral music.
I personally would confide in your retired friend. People are sometimes afraid of saying anything or intervening in case they offend. I had a nice neighbour who, once she knew I was struggling a bit, would have my boy for an hour here and there, just so I could do an errand or two.
I really really do feel for you. It is hard! You feel bad just at the time in your life when you should be feeling great. Please believe me you will get through it and your lovely daughter will be none the worse.
I think you are brave for coming on here and asking for help.
I hope my small contribution might help and send all best wishes.
Main thing is - get yourselves out of the house each day - do you have a car? Even going for a drive for a while can often settle baby. Don't get too strung up on that "routine" thing!

lonely sending huge hugs. It's so tough.

I've had PND since a 34 weeks pregnant (DS is now 1yo). A lot of what your saying sounds familiar. I know a lot of people on different anti-depressants whilst breastfeeding. Personally I was on fluoxetine. Might it be time to go back to your GP and ask for help?

Do you get on with your HV? Mine got me referred to a charity that run support groups who are brilliant and understanding.
PANDAS also offer great support, worth a look on their website.

I ask because it sounds like you could still do with some treatment. You seem very anxious, just like I was when I had PND. Would you consider going back to your GP? There are a few ADs you can try - I was on imipramine when I was bfing my DD.

I have so much sympathy for you OP.

I felt really overwhelmed when DS born. DS was the opposite to your DD. He hardly napped at all, but would become so tired he would be inconsolable. Then I would cry because I was so bloody tired too.

He had colic so for about two months I felt like a walking zombie after being up every two hours.

DS wouldn't settle in his bouncy chair thing, it had to be rocked gently. Same goes for the moses basket. I also remember once particularly night pushing the pram back and forth in the living room, trying to get a crying DS to sleep. I ended up phoning DP at work and just having a meltdown because I was so exhausted.

I wish I used Mumsnet back then so I had other people to tell me it was okay so be exhausted, and for the washing to still be in the basket, and that it was okay to still be in my pyjamas at 3pm if I bloody felt like it!

Go out and buy disposable nappies. Why feel guilty? Who do you have to feel guilty for? I love cooking from scratch, but there are some days when a jar of Dolmio will do. I feel guilty. Then I remind myself that no-one is going to come to my house and tell me I'm a bad parent! So why put pressure on yourself to do something a certain way when it's not actually improving your life or making things any easier?

I was a recluse at first too, except for my non-mum friends that I already had before DS. I tried baby groups but I disliked the clique-yness of it all. I tried off-and-on but then I went to a different one and I loved it and everyone was lovely. And DS loved playing with the other children. It's about finding what suits you. Even now, DS is 3, and my best friends are still the ones without kids. I've made a few "mum friends" along the way, but don't pressure yourself to make friends just because you're a mum now. It will happen eventually.

Don't be so hard on yourself, OP.

Thanks so much lazurda, what a lovely and helpful post. And no, you don't sound aged nor old-fashioned!

And yes, ruck and cailindana I think I will go back to the GP.

Thanks domestic x

I managed to have a cat nap in bed with dd earlier. She rolled herself over and this was the face I woke up to. Thought you'd all like to see the little girl you're helping me with x

I know EXACTLY how you feel and it's a nightmare at the time.

Two things really helped me

1. I put the baby in a baby sling when I was doing jobs around the house then he was happy while I shoved washing in the machine etc

2. I went to NCT coffee mornings and toddler groups. I was soooo grateful someone had made me a cup of tea and would hold the baby while I drank it.

I did go on to have a second child and I cried in the hospital and begged the midwives to tell my husband I needed more help. However Iwas never 'precious' with the baby and found my 2yo toddle would play with the baby in a nice way eg lay on the floor with him and entertain him for 5-10 mins.

One day at a time and YES to disposable nappies.

Across the land there are thousands who feels as you do. I was one of them. It is hard to see the light, all you can see is the different problems as they get older. But that is the depression and the sleep deprivation talking.

You will look back and be able to advise others as these great women are advising you.

I can only add something: can you tell your dad you need his help?

A friend of mine used a Mothers help who looked after the baby while she slept sometimes.

I also found socialising difficult - but I found a baby group run by a church (I am an atheist), and the thought of those lovely women helpers there still makes me feel emotional

No matter how shattered you feel, get out of the house once or twice a day and go for a bloody long walk. The baby will nap, you can listen to music and get some headspace and the walking will help you feel stronger. Try and get a timetable of weekly activities in place so you know what's coming- simple things like weigh-in clinic, granny, cuppa with NCT friends, read the paper in the park. It's quite lonely in the beginning but it does get better- once the baby can sit up and start crawling they get better at amusing themselves. I also used to watch the news and weather to make sure I felt connected with the wider world. I got to know all the newsreaders by name : )

I think what is so hard is not knowing what you are meant to be doing when they are that age.

Believe me it gets better.

Your daughter is beautiful. Try and be in the moment for a while with with her every day, rather than feeling like to have to do

yy to walking

And Box Sets

OH, and I had a baby bouncer for DS1 - Godsend. Not sure if they are fashionable/safe now - this is a while ago

Oh she is gorgeous!!

Cailin

I remember your threads and I'm glad you are feeling better

Thanks Newt, much of that is down to the help I got here on MN. I totally feel myself again, DD is sleeping through and she is incredibly cute. Anyone out there suffering in a similar way - hang in there, it does pass and life gets so much better. It's shit when you're in it but it doesn't last.

Wow, she's beautiful lonely

Great to on hear you managed a cat nap today

I still have one most days now -DS2 and DS3 are 4 and 3 now -it helps me enormously to have a daily snooze!

cailin

I wish I'd sought help after I'd had DS1, because it was only after DS2 that I realised how depressed I'd been. Having a best mummy friend helped me. Her son and mine are still best mates at 14

Oh Hemit. My heart goes out to you. I had a very similar experience in the early days of dd's life.
We'd planned her, wanted her, dreamed of her, and then when she came along my life changed SO drastically I struggled to cope. I loved her, but resented my loss of life, time, identity and relationship (DH and I seemed locked in an endless 'most tired' competition in the early days) and just didn't know what to DO with her. No matter what I tried she cried. It took ages to get her to sleep and then we tiptoed round in fear of waking her, and like you I dreaded going to groups and then disrupting her sleep pattern. There was no WAY we ever wanted more than one.
She's 9 now and chilling on the sofa with her 4 year old brother (it took us 5 years to decide to try it again, best news is that it was MUCH easier the second time round)
Don't worry about all that is to come. Some of it will happen and some won't. (4 month sleep regression didn't happen for us, mainly because dd didn't sleep really for about a year, but it's still a positive. Whilst everyone else was on the floor with tiredness I'd learned to adapt! ;) ) For now concentrate on every day.
Get out when you can. If you have a car then perhaps try and get her to sleep whilst you have a drive out. It's better than staring at the four walls all day and makes you feel more normal.
If you would like a chat then please feel free to PM me. Unfortunately I'm at the other end of the country to you, but I'd be happy to chat to you if you're having a hard day. (Or even just fancy a chat.)
Sending you an unMN-y hug. Hang on in there, it does pass.

What an adorable baby! Congratulations lonely and partner you lucky things!
I wish I could have taken advantage of all the advice you are getting here.
Looking back and of course hindsight is an exact science, I personally should have let the housework go a bit (like you, a perfectionist?), not worry if I was still in pyjamas at lunchtime and not worry about what others thought - the social pressure I mentioned earlier.
I do look back now and realise I was very very hard on myself. The first four months or so were very hard but it did get easier.
Absolutely no shame at all to feel depressed
Thatsn0t and Newt have some great ideas - a bit of a routine (mine included a long walk every Tuesday morning to buy the new Radio Times from a rather distant newsagent, a bit odd but it lent a bit of structure to my day).
Yes, yes to NCT groups and church groups - trial and error until you find the right one for you.
And yes, could you ask Dad to take baby for the occasional walk - you could put your feet up then and get your head together! He may be a bit awkward not really knowing what he can do to help, if my Dad was anything to go by!
Bet there are a few of us thinking, wish I lived near lonely, I would pop in and lend a hand?