to feel so overwhelmed?

[lonelyhermitmum]

I have NC'd for this as I don't want my MNet friends to know how pathetic I am

I have a much longed for dd, 15 weeks old, who I am very grateful for and love very much.

I just feel so completely overwhelmed with life at the moment and I can't see any way out. DD seems to be to be quite a high needs baby. She will only amuse herself in the bouncy chair for 5-10 mins at a time before she starts screaming. I find it difficult to get even little things (like cleaning my teeth or going to the loo) done. She seems to get bored very easily and needs constant play and stimulation. Due to sleep deprivation I am struggling to give her so much attention all the time, I have little patience as I feel so on edge, and my lovely dog gets so little of my time any more .

She sleeps for 30-60 minutes around four times during the day, but during this time I am running around doing housework and washing. I am very house proud and really want dd to live in a clean and tidy home. I have a cleaner who does a couple of hours a week but there is always so much more to do. I use cloth nappies as I have read somewhere that they are best but they are so time consuming to rinse, wash and dry etc. I would love to go back to disposables but I think i'd feel guilty.

I have had PND and though I feel a lot better I still feel quite down most of the time.

My partner works long hours, and is usually out of the house for over 10-12 hours a day, so he normally doesn't even see dd or can help during the week as she's in bed when he leaves and gets home.

I have become very reclusive, as I am too scared of leaving the house and messing up her nap routine - she then becomes very difficult when we come home and sleeps badly that night. It's like a military operation getting ready to go out and i'm so tired anyway that it just isn't worth it. I don't know any other mums, and I am a real introvert so struggle to meet people - I don't know if people would understand about the PND and how difficult I find things. I wouldn't want them to think i'm a bad mum.

I know this all probably sounds very normal to some of you, but i'm just finding it so hard. I look to the future and see 4 month sleep regression, teething, terrible twos, tantrums, potty training problems etc in front of me and it just makes me want to cry. I would love more children but the thought of having a newborn and a toddler seems impossible. If I can't cope with one child, how on earth could I ever have two?!

Thank you for reading my novel

Thank you Fishstix. Yes, what you said about losing time, life, DH relationship and identity really strikes with me. I used to be really into sports, running, racing etc. Now I don't have time to do any exercise (and i'm too tired anyway). I'm 1.5 stone heavier than I was pre pregnancy and desperate to lose it but unable to exercise like I used to. I feel like I have lost an important part of my life. I may well take you up on that phone call.

Thanks again lazurda, you're so lovely and talk a lot of sense!

I think that when you have worked and been in control, and your partner continues in their life the way they have it is easy to lose a sense of self, of purpose and to almost try to make up for that by being busy, making sure the house is clean.

It took me a good few months to stop feeling bizarrely guilty for not working. But it came

Ha. Me too, I ran 5 times a week before dd. Afterward, nadda! I'm running again now...you do get yourself back, and the good news is it's even better when you do because you have your gorgeous dd too! (And she is a very cute dd!)

Meant to say also, that as the baby got older, and more interactive that sense of purpose improved for me. I started to just adjust to the new rhythm of life

Actually what helped me was setting myself a date. I'd give it my all, but By 6 months I wanted to be able to go for a Run two nights a week...and those nights were my sanity saver!

Can't comment on the running from personal experience (never having run myself), but that does sound like it would really help you

I know exactly how you feel, great suggestions here especially about ditching the washable nappies, balls to the housework and getting out every day. I have a map in my head of the routes I can walk with dog-friendly shops (surprisingly the butcher is one!) means my dogs can usually come too then I get things done, get some air and they get their walk.

Hang in there, it gets better, I am expecting DC3 in October and wouldn't have thought I would even have one more never mind two when I was at the early stages with DS1.

You poor thing, it sounds as though you've been feeling really down. Probably repeating some of the previous posts here, but some suggestions:

• Use your sling a lot - including at home. Some jobs are easier with a sling, some aren't. The ones where you don't have to bend over much are easier....so put her in the sling and wipe down kitchen worksurfaces, hang washing if you have a chair or table you can move to pop the washing basket onto, etc
• Go out every day. Even if you only go to the corner shop and buy a pint of milk. People always want to chat when you have a baby in a sling...they're so much more at other people's eye level than in a buggy that people can't help cooing over them, in my experience.
• Have a look what is on locally and go along. Rhyme time at the local library, Mum + baby buggy or sling fitness sessions, etc. Try to make yourself do it. I guarantee you won't be the only shy person there, and small children are an easy friend-making start as someone above said....you can chat about your babies to begin with and you can always find something nice to say about a baby.
• Ditch the cloth nappies. I started out with them. I ditched them. I feel no guilt....it was what I needed to do.
• Try not to worry too much about nap times. The sling is a great nap tool....most babies that age will go to sleep when put in it. So go out, do stuff, worry about the naps later. It won't wreck nighttime sleep, which is a completely different pattern. Having a baby who will nap anywhere is a real advantage.

A personal anecdote - I did do exercise after DC1....runnning with a buggy etc...but then quickly got pregnant with DC2. I did bugger all exercise for 5 years as I was too busy being pregnant and having children that didn't sleep. I went back to it last November and now am fitter and faster than I've ever been. You will want to do it again, but you won't (unsurprisingly) want to do it majorly sleep deprived.

You sound exactly how i was with dd1 at that point- then i cried at the health visitor and got diagnosed with post natal anxiety. I had CBT, and am still on anti depressants, but feel so much better- i now have 8mo dd2 as well as a nightmare toddler, but it has been much easier than with just dd1!

I'm near you lonelyhermitmum

PM me if you like, let me know which town you live in. I'd gladly cuddle that gorgeous little one while you sleep.

Poor OP, I really sympathise. And Wilberforce2 I'm the same as you re naps.
With sleep deprivation, PND, etc, life is really hard. It may not help but can I repeat what other posters have said about how there are many, many people who feel exactly the same as you.

Firstly, I have a nearly 3 year old dd and a 9 month old and the first 5 months of both their lives were a hellish blur. I am crap at babies. I'm an uptight control freak with little patience who ideally has 8 hours sleep a night. Perfect mother material!

However, things may be looking up soon OP, as I find 6 months onwards much easier. For a start, they don't need so many naps so you don't feel like you're constantly running to stand still with any kind of routine. Also, as their brains develop, their concentration spans increase and you can leave them with toys for a bit.

I also stopped breastfeeding dd1 at 6 months because we had so many problems. I had been referred to counselling and immediately my mood improved massively because the day was so much easier and I think my hormones evened out a bit. Just speaking personally here by the way I am in no way anti-bf (bf the younger one but she is a happy guzzler - however her sleep is a bit crap so swings and roundabouts) but I am pro-please-do-whatever-you-need-to-make-life-easier.

I really recommend getting out to a group, if you can do it you will find it really helpful. You will feel a sense of achievement and more in control again, I think.

I have wittered on but that's because your OP really strikes a chord. If you want to PM me, please do.

I should add, its so much easier the second time i am seriously considering a third!

Just wanted to say that you're not alone. It's really, really hard. I can't imagine doing it with pets too...could you ask your Dad or anyone who will take them who you trust to look after them for a few months?

Washing/dishes definitely do them while baby is awake. Some babies love watching the clothes spin around in the machine...you might be one of the lucky ones whose kiddo enjoys this :)

For dinners, try using a slow cooker. You can prep the food while baby's awake, and then just stick it in the cooker (which has a dishwasher friendly insert) and let it cook all day at low heat. Healthy and low maintenance.

Have you tried a baby wrap/carrier? Slings are good, but I preferred something a bit more strapped in, if you know what I mean.

Some time after 6-12 months, babies start sleeping for 12 hours all at once. It is amazing. It will really happen...I promise. Hang on there, you're doing an amazing job managing your family and animals. hugs.

Ooh I couldn't nap either...what helped was to co-sleep (baby goes along side you in the adult bed). Look up kellymom.com for tips.

Also taking one of baby's teddies with me when I tried to sleep alone...and putting my shirt from the day in the baby's bed so the baby can smell mummy.

Good luck.x

Hi everyone, thanks again for your messages. Have woken up this morning feeling really down but I will read all of your messages again and try to stay positive x

People are being so lovely I don't have anything to add really apart from take each day at a time and try to lower your expectations of yourself. It's just making you feel crap about yourself when in reality you sound like you're actually doing really well.

I was in the same boat and did the following

• changed to biodegradable nappies
• used a sling, its really natural for a baby to be want to be on you
• started talking to the MW and friends and family

Can you ask someone you trust (DH or retired friend or FIL) to look after DD for 45 mins while you run? Excersise will really help how you feel.

If not start walking, you can walk an hour or two a day with a buggy

Lastly when you feel stronger try and meet some other mums, adult contact with other new mums will really help

The sleep deprivation is really hard

Sling - if you have to get things done (personally, I'd just let it all slide, but I know everyone isn't as slack as me).

I did have to rush around with ds3 doing dinner and trying to get ds1 in the door, so used to shove him in a sling on my back (can't remember what age they can go in back slings - mine was fab (ergobaby?? baby can't remember, something like that), and he would fall asleep in about 5 minutes and I could just get on with stuff.

Thank you glass I was planning on taking dd out for a long walk in the buggy today but the weather here in horrible. Might go this afternoon if the weather improves x

saintly dd does love the sling, just need to remember to use it at home more often!

Oh what a gorgeous baby!! What a beautiful little girl no more babies

lonely your LO sounds EXACTLY like DD2 who's now 10 mos. Slept well during the day when she was tiny and used to be up for three hours in one go during the night. Was like that for the first 6 mos. Given that her sister is only 16 mos only than her, and DH works ridiculous hours, that was a barrel of laughs sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, I am aware. DD2 wants to be entertained all of the time. I said to Mum when she was about six months, my problem is not that I have two babies, that's not the reason I can't get anything done, the problem is I have DD2. She is on my hip constantly. The things I can do now with one hand are amazing.

I second, third and fourth the benefits of getting out and about. So what if it's raining today. Has your buggy a raincover? Have you a mac? Off you go so! I spent last winter with all it's rain drenched! DD2 went through a phase where she would only be pushed or fed to sleep. So there was a lot of pushing as it meant I could take DD1 out too. She loves a good pair of wellies and an all in one waterproof. A decent muddy puddle goes down well too. We didn't let the rain stop us.

Also, it can be hard to make friends but just remember that EVERYONE is in the same boat. Chatting to someone in a café for five minutes helps some days. Baby and toddler groups can be a bit intimidating but I have gotten into the habit of seeking out scared looking newbies, especially as I now have two. Even if you just chat for a few minutes, it can help and if you get on, exchange numbers - they might never ring, but they might and you might have found a friend.

I hear you on the housework - sleeping when the baby sleeps is really not an option. Can you get your cleaner to come in for a bit longer? Can you get DH to help with the laundry in the evenings? I went through a phase of making myself a packed lunch in the evenings and leaving it in the fridge overnight. Meant I had less to clean up during the day.

I'm in SE London and me and the DDs like a good day trip - I love the seaside. If you fancy a visit by a mad Irishwoman and two pickles, let me know!

Me and the DDs?! Well the money on my education was well spent.

The DDs and I like a good day trip.

Oh and apologies for the essay.

Try not to think about doing everything at once. It's overwhelming when you think you want to change an awful lot. So maybe break it down into little chunks?

So - one of the things I would always recommend to any new mum is a decent waterproof coat, good shoes and an ipod/radio. Whatever the weather, get out and have a walk. I found DD's naps actually improved in the pram, so every day I knew I had to do a 1 hour walk so she would have a decent sleep (she was an eternal catnapper). As everyone is saying, you really do feel better for the fresh air.

Other things that helped me were shopping 'on demand' rather than a big weekly shop. Probably sounds counterproductive, but it mean that some days I needed to go to the shop 2 or 3 times! Once to the butchers, once to the bakers etc... It's just inventing reasons you need to pop out. You can either time it so your DD sleeps in the pram, or do it just after she's woken up.

Lastly, with baby groups, others are right to say groups with an purpose can be better than groups just for chatting, if you feel nervous. If you go to rhyme time at the library, or baby yoga, you don't actually have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. But the important thing is you're still out, and having a change of scenery. I also found that if I had paid for a class it meant I sort of knew I had to go to it, which was good for motivation.

Don't do everything. But perhaps this week thing - right, I'm going to make an excuse for a walk every day. And I might look online and see what classes there are.

Baby steps. And good luck with the GP.

My DS sounds so similar to yours but he is 22 weeks now. He settled around 2 weeks ago and I can now put him down and he'll entertain himself more.

Before that he was so high maintenance and I was at the end of my tether. What I ended up doing was putting a little advert out locally for a mothers help. She came for an hour or two a day and did what I needed with DS that day. This ranged from standing and rocking the baby, taking him for a walk or just playing with him. She could give that intense attention for that hour or so that I was too exhausted to do. It just gave me a break from him. I felt so guilty for wanting that break from him at first but it made the time we did have together much better as I was then refreshed afterwards.

It did of course cost money we could barely afford but my mental health came first. If I wasn't in a fit state it meant I couldn't care for DS properly so was money well spent. Over the last few weeks we cut down her visits and I can now manage a full day on my own.

Do whatever you need to do to make it work at the moment. I personally need a clean house to feel relaxed so I do spend some of my DS's nap time cleaning each day. If that is what you need do it but keep it the minimum you can bear.

I know everyone says it but it does get better. At week 15 I could not imagine being where I am now.

Take care.