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Original poster

Should I have called the police?

109 replies

FluffyPingPong · 05/08/2014 12:50

Apologies in advance - long post!
I spent the day in Bristol yesterday, a totally unfamiliar place to me. Husband had a work meeting, it's a few hours drive away but as I am on maternity leave with 10month old, thought I would tag along and have a browse around the shops.
Time was getting on and at about 5 o'clock I was in a small shopping mall on the top floor with not many people around. I went to get the lift down to the ground floor (had buggy so couldn't take the escalator). As I was waiting I became aware of man standing behind me but thought nothing of it. Lift opened & 2 women with 3 children got out... They realised they were on the wrong floor so got back in again. I could have squeezed in with the buggy but didn't want to be like sardines so thought I'd just wait. I turned to the man behind me and said "I don't think I'll fit with the buggy, but you can go ahead" to which he replied that he would wait, and said some remark about ending up on the roof or something that I didn't quite catch. I didn't really think anything of it at the time, but looking back now it seems clear he wanted to get in the lift with me alone. As I was waiting for the lift to come back up I took out my phone and was text a friend. When I put it back in my bag he took a step towards me and asked "did you take a good selfie?", I was a bit confused and said "sorry?". To which he relied "did you take a selfie? On your phone?". I said "oh no. I was texting my husband" and then pressed the lift button again, thinking that would make it clear I wasn't interested in conversation. He then continued to try to talk to me asking if I ever took selfies, and I just shrugged, shook my head, and looked the other way feeling very uncomfortable. I should point out here that he seemed like a presentable man, probably mid 50's, but something about him just didn't sit right with me. I am only 24, and with a baby in an unfamiliar city, there was nobody else around and the time and I suddenly felt very vulnerable.
Luckily the lift came then, so there were no more awkward selfie questions. Then I had a horrible feeling in my gut that I shouldn't get in the lift alone with this man. I did not want to be rude, and simply said "you can take this one, I'll wait for the next" was this unreasonable?
He said "don't be silly, get in, I'm right behind you" to which I replied "honestly I'd rather wait for the next one, you can take this"
And the then said "why?!" in an aggressive tone. Before I had a chance to answer he said "fine I'll take the f*ing stairs you little btch" and began to walk away, turning around to shout at the top of his lungs "f*ing stupid little f*ing btch!!!"
I should also point out that there were no stairs, it was escalators which were about 10 metres away. I broke down crying as I was absolutely terrified to get in the lift incase he was waiting for me at the bottom. I've been unnerved ever since and didn't sleep very well last night as I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I keep re-playing it in my head, feeling like it's my fault for being rude and refusing to get in the lift with him, which caused him to react the way he did. But then I question whether he was lurking there to get in the lift with me alone so he could attack me and was angered when his plan failed. Am I being a drama queen? I'm worried that I should have reported it to the police in case he was being predatory and went on to attack a different woman? What do you all think? Should I ring the police? Or is it now too late?

OP posts:
hollie84 · 05/08/2014 18:35

If I realised a stranger was frightened of getting in a lift with me, I (like any normal person) would feel embarrassed maybe, or concerned about what impression my behaviour gave to other people.

I would not feel righteous and angry that some fucking little bitch DARED to be scared of me. That's the mark of someone with dangerous attitudes even if their intention wasn't to hurt the OP in that particular scenario.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2014 18:37

His behaviour towards a woman with a young child was extremely concerning and beyond the bounds of what is acceptable.

Monkeychopsmum · 05/08/2014 18:39

I think I have been misunderstood here. I'm not trying to say the op was in anyway wrong for acting the way she did, she isn't. I would have done the exact same thing in her position, in fact I have done.

Its the reactions from some posters that have annoyed me. As I have said before many of them suggest that this man was going to do something truly awful (a lot worse than frightening her) not that it was a possibility but a guarantee. That is what I have a problem with, nothing else.

oldgrandmama · 05/08/2014 18:46

You poor thing - it must have been very frightening. You did right to trust your instinct.

Well worth reading is 'The Gift of Fear - survival signals that protect us from violence' by Gavin de Becker.

And yes, calling the Police was an option. I think I would. A similar thing happened to my daughter, on a train with three small children, mid evening, no one else in the carriage. A man approached them and tried to grab the pushchair, saying he was taking the toddler 'for a walk'. My daughter told him to go away, but he kept on talking to her and trying to grab the buggy. Daughter plus kids rushed up the carriage to another carriage where there were people. The guard came through and daughter told him. At the next stop, British Transport Police were waiting for the man and took him away.

flippinada · 05/08/2014 18:49

Maybe he wasn't, but so what?

Going on the behaviour described, he clearly had no qualms about abusing a young woman in a vulnerable position and is (putting it very mildly) an unpleasant person so why does it matter?

Frogisatwat · 05/08/2014 18:49

I used to have that book the gift of fear! An excellent read!

Frogisatwat · 05/08/2014 18:51

I used to have that book the gift of fear! An excellent read!

Monkeychopsmum · 05/08/2014 19:10

But so what? So its okay to accuse people of all sorts and basically write it off as fact just because you/someone else instincts say they are guilty?

Chippednailvarnish · 05/08/2014 19:15

Monkey threateningly swearing at people is actually an offence. So yes, is is guilty of something.

But you just carry on trying to minimise what the OP has said.

flippinada · 05/08/2014 19:32

Firstly, this isn't a court and he hasn't been "accused" of anything. No-one is going to charge him with anything based on this thread.

Secondly, people are giving their opinion and making a judgement based on the information given, which they are entitled to do. He's clearly a man who (at the least) has no issue with intimidating and threatening young women in a vulnerable position. The most charitable interpretation is that he's a spiteful bully who likes throwing his weight around.

Thirdly, the OP herself states that her instincts told her he was up to no good and as she was the one in the situation and best placed to make a judgement we certainly should not be trying to undermine her and minimise what happened.

Monkeychopsmum · 05/08/2014 20:15

Again I have never once said op was in the wrong. In fact I stated I have done the same thing before. So no I am not undermining her or minimising what happened.

I'm just trying to say that you can't go around saying that he WOULD have attacked her purely because instincts say so. He could have yes. But you simply cannot say for sure whether he would have or not even though many posters have basically said just that

To clarify, OP I do not think you did anything wrong, you handled the situation perfectly. It is other posters who have annoyed me with their certainty that he was going to attack you.

hennybeans · 05/08/2014 20:25

Any man with normal intentions would have just said 'ok, thanks' and got into the lift ahead of you (the first and the second time you offered). Well done following your instincts.

flippinada · 05/08/2014 20:36

Why do you think it matters monkey?

DaffyDuck88 · 05/08/2014 20:57

Always, always, always, ALWAYS trust your instincts. You did well OP but I do still think you should report it. Maybe he is already known to the police and only ever shouts or maybe he's not but should be. A more timid soul might not have acted upon their unease and who knows… Personally (if it had to happen at all) I'd rather have a nutter scream at me in an open space than whilst I was in a small confined space with them. You did the right thing and although understandably shaken by the experience you should take a bit of pride in the fact that you stayed true to your instincts.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2014 21:01

I asked my somewhat chatty DH what he would have thought if he had been innocently speaking to a young woman in a similar situation & she had declined to get on a lift with him. He said he probably would have felt bad that she thought he was a 'creep' but that he would have understood her fear of him as a 'stranger' and would have just taken the lift himself if she didn't want to get in.

We both agree that there was something wrong with the man you encountered and that his reaction was way out of line!! The way he then refused to take the lift himself is just downright weird, let alone his abuse of you. Creepy, all round.

AnneElliott · 05/08/2014 21:37

You did the right thing OP. I know of someone who was attacked as she let a bloke who had helped with carrying shopping up the stairs, into her flat. She felt it was rude not to let him inHmm.

Normal men will understand why you might be concerned about someone you don't know. He was not normal.

AgentZigzag · 05/08/2014 21:39

You absolutely did the right thing not getting in the lift OP, sometimes you have to break the 'politeness' rules if you're not happy with what's going on, but it's so scary afterwards thinking what could have happened if you'd gone along with them.

After thinking how well the OP handled it you can't help but wonder WTF was going through the blokes mind, and I thought the same as hollie 'I would not feel righteous and angry that some fucking little bitch DARED to be scared of me. That's the mark of someone with dangerous attitudes even if their intention wasn't to hurt the OP in that particular scenario.'

Either the bloke thought he was being friendly and took the OPs totally legit decision not to talk back as her passing a judgement on him, or he gets off on the control he's able to get by forcing people (in a possibly vulnerable position) to interact with him even though he can plainly see they're uncomfortable.

Either way, not someone you want to be in a lift alone with.

Hope you're able to feel better about it soon OP Flowers

Monkeychopsmum · 05/08/2014 23:43

flip

I think it matters because I have someone very close to me who has been on the receiving end of accusations presented as fact. He has had one of his teeth knocked out and has been verbally abused by many people in this town for the past three years because of it.

To cut a long story short he approached a woman sitting alone on the phone outside of his local pub, he just wanted a lighter for his cigarette. He stood there for a few minutes as he didn't want to interrupt her conversation. She started telling the person on the phone that there was some creep standing there watching her. He tried to explain he just wanted a light and she started screaming that he should be locked up, that he was a pervert who preys on women etc.

I can understand why she felt uncomfortable, as would I in her situation. But she continued to present her accusations as fact and soon enough he was known around town as the man who loves to attack women, people cross the road to avoid him. He feels so conscious being outside that he rarely leaves his flats unless absolutely necessary.

The whole thing was just a misunderstanding. Accusations presented as facts can ruin lives and that is why it matters.

The man in the OP could well have had bad intentions, but it was no guarantee, therefor it is wrong to suggest that he would for sure have attacked her if she had got inside that lift.

Glasshammer · 05/08/2014 23:49

90% of gut instinct is correct. Also no normal person would be so rude. He should have said ' don't worry about it, I'd be nervous too getting in a lift on my own with a lone man'

grocklebox · 06/08/2014 00:11

Is it illegal to swear at people in the UK? I did not know that.

hollie84 · 06/08/2014 00:15

Using threatening or abusive words or behaviour towards someone who is likely to be alarmed or distressed is a public order offence. It doesn't necessarily have to be swearing and swearing isn't necessarily illegal.

SecretWitch · 06/08/2014 00:28

You did exactly the right thing. I had a man insist on bringing groceries to my car for me when I was on crutches. I consented against my better judgement. He then requested a ride to a friend's house. When I said no, he became irate and escalated into verbal abuse. Fortunately, a couple in the car next to me saw what was happening and intervened. They bundled me safely into my car and went to get the store manager. I was so upset and shaking. I learned that day to trust myself and say NO to anything that makes me uncomfortable.

sykadelic · 06/08/2014 00:45

I'm not blaming you in any way by saying this, but I would suggest next time "suddenly remembering" something you forgot "You take this one, I just remembered I forgot something. Have a great day." and walk off.

Obviously your instinct were spot on so I think you did the right thing by refusing to get on with him. All sorts of things can happen in a closed elevator.

Might be a good idea to get a panic alarm as well. Always a handy thing to have.

KnitFastDieWarm · 06/08/2014 01:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KnitFastDieWarm · 06/08/2014 01:06

well why don't we just do another day? = individual

my phone appears to be possessed ;-p