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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I have called the police?

109 replies

FluffyPingPong · 05/08/2014 12:50

Apologies in advance - long post!
I spent the day in Bristol yesterday, a totally unfamiliar place to me. Husband had a work meeting, it's a few hours drive away but as I am on maternity leave with 10month old, thought I would tag along and have a browse around the shops.
Time was getting on and at about 5 o'clock I was in a small shopping mall on the top floor with not many people around. I went to get the lift down to the ground floor (had buggy so couldn't take the escalator). As I was waiting I became aware of man standing behind me but thought nothing of it. Lift opened & 2 women with 3 children got out... They realised they were on the wrong floor so got back in again. I could have squeezed in with the buggy but didn't want to be like sardines so thought I'd just wait. I turned to the man behind me and said "I don't think I'll fit with the buggy, but you can go ahead" to which he replied that he would wait, and said some remark about ending up on the roof or something that I didn't quite catch. I didn't really think anything of it at the time, but looking back now it seems clear he wanted to get in the lift with me alone. As I was waiting for the lift to come back up I took out my phone and was text a friend. When I put it back in my bag he took a step towards me and asked "did you take a good selfie?", I was a bit confused and said "sorry?". To which he relied "did you take a selfie? On your phone?". I said "oh no. I was texting my husband" and then pressed the lift button again, thinking that would make it clear I wasn't interested in conversation. He then continued to try to talk to me asking if I ever took selfies, and I just shrugged, shook my head, and looked the other way feeling very uncomfortable. I should point out here that he seemed like a presentable man, probably mid 50's, but something about him just didn't sit right with me. I am only 24, and with a baby in an unfamiliar city, there was nobody else around and the time and I suddenly felt very vulnerable.
Luckily the lift came then, so there were no more awkward selfie questions. Then I had a horrible feeling in my gut that I shouldn't get in the lift alone with this man. I did not want to be rude, and simply said "you can take this one, I'll wait for the next" was this unreasonable?
He said "don't be silly, get in, I'm right behind you" to which I replied "honestly I'd rather wait for the next one, you can take this"
And the then said "why?!" in an aggressive tone. Before I had a chance to answer he said "fine I'll take the f*ing stairs you little btch" and began to walk away, turning around to shout at the top of his lungs "f*ing stupid little f*ing btch!!!"
I should also point out that there were no stairs, it was escalators which were about 10 metres away. I broke down crying as I was absolutely terrified to get in the lift incase he was waiting for me at the bottom. I've been unnerved ever since and didn't sleep very well last night as I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I keep re-playing it in my head, feeling like it's my fault for being rude and refusing to get in the lift with him, which caused him to react the way he did. But then I question whether he was lurking there to get in the lift with me alone so he could attack me and was angered when his plan failed. Am I being a drama queen? I'm worried that I should have reported it to the police in case he was being predatory and went on to attack a different woman? What do you all think? Should I ring the police? Or is it now too late?

OP posts:

Thenapoleonofcrime · 05/08/2014 17:06

He did do something bad, he called the OP really nasty names and was very aggressive. That's scary and frightened her.

I think your instincts were spot on, normal people, if someone suddenly decides not to get in a lift (which could be for a variety of reasons, changed their mind, decided to wait for someone) don't do that. Ever. I have never spoken like that to anyone, I'm pretty sure my husband has never said anything like that to a woman in his life either. It is not an ok reaction, even if he felt a bit self-conscious or uncomfortable with your decision to wait for the next lift. The appropriate response was 'suit yourself, bye'.

There's no point in trying to see it from his point of view because IMO nothing justifies that outburst; that in itself is threatening and scary, whatever preceded it.

Monkeychopsmum · 05/08/2014 17:20

I didn't say she should of conversed with him. I simply suggested a possible reason on why he behaved the way he did. I did not once excuse it.

I'm sorry for not automatically assuming the worst of people and for believing that there is two sides to every story.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2014 17:27

Yes monkey threatening aggressive towards a woman especially with a young child, really confirms op was right about him. She knew there was something not right about him and she was right!

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 17:29

Monkey

I know what you are getting at, but don't you think his really extreme reaction shows she was right to not feel safe with him? That is not a normal "pissed off and hurt" reaction.

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 17:30

X post Aeroflot

Exactly

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2014 17:33

All credibility went once he opened his mouth to verbally abuse op, he should have accepted the lift and be on his way. Why did he want to remain behind op! Sorry you do have to be on your guard and op felt something wasn't right so she was and she was right.

whois · 05/08/2014 17:36

Totally he sounds strange. If probably have called my partner/mum/friend/anyone so that it would have been a more 'natural' reason for not getting in the lift.

Catsize · 05/08/2014 17:40

Well done OP. You have done the right thing in jot getting in the lift and in contacting the police. The verbal abuse was an offence in itself and, as someone said upthread, the incident may provide a jigsaw piece. The centre will have CCTV.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 05/08/2014 17:52

I was backed into a corner in a carpark by a supermarket employee recently. I also had a small child with me. The guy was behaving very strangely and my first instinct was to make as much noise as possible and attract attention. If you were scared and he was yelling at you, there would have been no shame in shouting that you didn't know the man and that he was harassing you. Better to cause a scene and keep safe. Trust me, it did not come naturally to shout 'get the f*ck away from me' at the guy who was harassing me, but adrenaline or something took over and he did back off.

Monkeychopsmum · 05/08/2014 17:56

newt yes, for sure his reaction was extreme and of course op was right to feel uncomfortable.

Him being verbally aggressive ( I didn't see any threats) tells us he has a temper, it does not tell us that if he had got into that lift that something awful would of happened like a lot of replies suggest.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2014 17:58

But then it might, you cannot be 100% certain. Monkey he was not making threats but his conduct was threatening.

Gruntfuttock · 05/08/2014 18:01

Wibblypiglikesbananas did you complain about him to the supermarket or the police?

Monkeychopsmum · 05/08/2014 18:01

But of course I agree that it was a possibility.

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 18:04

Monkey

It's safer to trust your instincts. Women are given the message fro a really young age to be nice, smile, don't upset people or make them not like you.

Middle aged men know this. He reacted because he's a git and she didn't play nice. Worse, he could have been angry because she didn't play along so he could get what he wanted

There's no good way to frame this

WhyOWhyWouldYou · 05/08/2014 18:08

Monkey - if the man had felt a bit pissed off at op for not wanting to talk (which she is perfectly entitled not too) and then not getting into a lift with him (again shes perfectly entitled not to) or if he felt she was being ott or silly then the normal reaction would have been no worse than a bit of huffing/puffing, shaking head, muttering things like ridiculous under his breath whilst still taking the lift himself.

To become so utterly aggressive and storm off shouting such vile things at op is far more suggestive of a man who was up to no good and did have bad intentions.

BelleOfTheBorstal · 05/08/2014 18:09

What Newt said times a thousand.
When I was younger, I got into more than one bad situation because my default setting was 'be polite'.
Not anymore and I feel more comfortable out and about as a consequence.

Monkeychopsmum · 05/08/2014 18:10

newt I know, trust me I'm all up for trusting your instincts. Mine have come in handy many times so I am in no way saying that you shouldn't trust them.

Its mainly the comments that have got my back up, they seem to suggest that instincts cannot be wrong, that this man WAS going to do something awful not if, was.

IceRocket · 05/08/2014 18:11

Well done you I think you acted really well on your instincts, he's not a nice man as he wouldn't abuse you afterwards. If a woman chooses not to put herself in any situation then that should be respected. It's not as if you said you're a creep I'm not sharing a lift. I think you should call 101 and report it just incase he does it again

Chippednailvarnish · 05/08/2014 18:15

I once had a man start shouting and swearing at me when I wouldn't stop feeding the ducks at the pond, when he told me to (I have high affinity weirdo attracting pheromones).

Interestingly when a couple of men appeared and started feeding them, he didn't utter a word to them.

Aggressive men select women because they think they can scare them and make them comply. There is nothing wrong in following your instinct, it's there for a reason.

Viviennemary · 05/08/2014 18:17

I think you were right not to get in the lift. I think it would be worth alerting the police to this. He sounds quite threatening.

salsmum · 05/08/2014 18:18

THANK GOD! I dread to think what COULD have happened YANBU-REPORT! I hope you're ok now xxx x

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2014 18:20

He might not have done anything, and just be a nasty man with a foul temper, but op doesent know that, she doesent know him and what he's like. She got a bad feeling from him and quite rightly acted on it, not taking the lift with him and not engaging in further conversation, her perogative entirely.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/08/2014 18:23

Ok he was talking idly about selfies, but only op knows the tone of his voice and body language, which could have made her feel further uncomfortable. I am noway suggesting he is, but rapists do try and strike up conversation with their victim, not just collar them and drag them into a bush.

flippinada · 05/08/2014 18:32

Fluffy sorry to heat what happened to you, it sounds extremely upsetting.

Your reaction was very sensible and you did the right thing. Also YANBU to feel upset and shaken up by this. I hope you feel better and are getting some support. I would definitely consider reporting this to the police - it may be he is known to them

Also Monkey can I just point out that he DID do something awful. In case you missed it - he frightened a young woman who was in a vulnerable situation with her young child.

Bet he wouldn't have behaved like that if her DP/DH was with her.

flippinada · 05/08/2014 18:34

Oh, and whoever mentioned Gavin de Becker upthread is spot on.

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