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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is more about DH's attitude to me going out than any real concern about my alcohol consumption?

62 replies

Songofsixpence · 05/08/2014 11:56

We have a big event going on locally at the moment. In the past DH has been very involved in the event (his company was very involved with the event so it was pretty much expected of him), competes in it and enjoys the social aspect. Due to difficulties finding willing babysitters during the week, I've never really been that involved in it. I go for a few drinks, take the kids to the bits that are suitable, but generally left DH to get on with it. DH has recently changed his job and no longer really has the time or opportunity to be quite so involved with it, but still has a couple of days and nights out planned

Anyway, a group of friends and I had planned a night out in town on Saturday. It had been organised and on the calendar for several weeks. DH announced on Friday that he was taking part in the event on Saturday afternoon and would stay out for a few beers. I reminded him that I was going out Saturday night, it had been planned for ages so if he wanted to go out as well he needed to organise a babysitter. Reluctantly, he came home in time for me to go out.

Now, I'm not going to lie, alcohol was involved on Saturday night, I wasn't paralytic but I'd had a few. I got in at about 1am. I was up first Sunday morning, no moaning about hangovers (although I did feel pretty crap), I cooked roast, walked the dog, took the kids into town for a couple of hours, etc, etc

Sunday evening he announced that we need to talk. He thinks I have a problem with alcohol and he's worried about me.

As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a problem at all, I'll go for weeks with nothing more than the odd weak shandy or spritzer. I don't like wine or beer very much so drink it with lemonade and even then it's very weak and a couple of times a week. I am a bit of a binge drinker, in that if I go out, I'll have a few, but not in any vast quantity.

The last time I went out and had any quantity of alcohol was at a festival in June, before that...no idea. Christmas party maybe?

A common argument we have is that he shows a total lack of consideration and just assumes I'll be home to look after the kids while he goes off and does whatever he wants. This time it back fired and I stuck to my guns

He always says he doesn't have a problem with me going out, but actually he makes it very difficult for me to do so. We don't have babysitters on tap so while he's off out doing whatever, I tend to end up looking after the kids. He's a volunteer at a local youth group, so half the time he's out, he's doing stuff with that so I feel unreasonable to complain that he's out so much, but at the same time, it's still me at home dealing with the kids

So, AIBU to think that this is actually more about DH not being happy that he had to cancel his plans and stay home with the kids, than my alleged problem with alcohol?

OP posts:

Pugaboo · 05/08/2014 12:00

It's difficult to know without knowing how much you actually drink and how you behave when you're drunk. You might call it a few but I bet I'd call it a lot!

KnackeredMuchly · 05/08/2014 12:05

He sounds quite controlling. You don't drink regularly and in the morning weren't too hungover sounds very reasonable to me. Assuming you're not lying, I cant see his problem other than he's annoyed youre having fun.

Bowlersarm · 05/08/2014 12:06

Getting tipsy at the odd evening out - what about three times in 7 months? - doesn't make me think you have a drinking problem.

DocDaneeka · 05/08/2014 12:06

Well that one is dead easy to solve

'Ok DH I'll stop drinking for 6 months'

But don't stop going out.

You will soon learn which it is. If you can't give up booze for 6 months then it is possible that you do have a problem.

DocDaneeka · 05/08/2014 12:07

Ps I think it's him not you.

ouryve · 05/08/2014 12:11

Why the hell should she need to do that, Doc? That would only be reasonable if her DH stopped having "a few beers" (probably 4-8 units of alcohol) for that length of time, too.

chesterberry · 05/08/2014 12:12

Even better:

Ok DH I'll stop drinking for 6 months. As my supportive husband it would really help if you give it up for 6 months too. We'll do this together,'

atos35 · 05/08/2014 12:13

Doesn't sound like you have the problem, two nights out since Christmas is hardly excessive compared to some people. You absolutely should not be made to feel guilty about this so I would just ignore him. Sounds like he's sulking because he didn't get his own way. And so what if you DID drink too much? We all do it occasionally, it's not a crime and it's not as though you are doing it every weekend. Good for you for standing your ground.

Thurlow · 05/08/2014 12:14

That doesn't sound excessive drinking to me. Obviously none of us can really judge without knowing how much you had to drink, but I'm sure most people go out several times a year, let their hair down and end up being what most people would cheerfully call "drunk". But it might help to say how much you had?

Generally though, if you can get up the next morning and get through the day with a bit of coffee and some paracetamol, that sounds like a common night out for most people I know.

DocDaneeka has a good suggestion, though probably less fun for you. Personally I'd not be enormously happy with giving up sharing a bottle of wine with friends just to make a point with my OH (and I don't think that not being able to give up alcohol for 6 months means you have a problem) but it might flush out what your DH's problem is.

Original poster

Songofsixpence · 05/08/2014 12:16

On the Saturday night I had a couple of cocktails and about 3 glasses of Pimms

We were watching a band and I was at the stage of dancing and buying a doner kebab on the way home. I didn't do anything particularly outrageous.

At the festival, a lot more alcohol was involved, I was camping there with a group of friends for the weekend and we let our hair down and had a great time. Took about 3 days to get over it, but it's the first time in 13 years I've ever done anything like that.

But generally, during the week I don't drink very much at all. If I have a shandy it's about an inch of beer in a half pint glass, the rest lemonade. Same with a spritzer.. If we go out for dinner as a family I stick to coke/lemonade. I don't think I'm all that fussed about alcohol generally, but on a night out I'll have a few

OP posts:

gamerchick · 05/08/2014 12:22

It's a good idea but I doubt it's something that will need following through with. It'll become clear quite quick exactly which is his problem.

Original poster

Songofsixpence · 05/08/2014 12:22

Sorry, crossed posts.

To be honest, I drink so infrequently, that it probably wouldn't notice not drinking for 6 months, but then at the same time, I don't really see the harm in going out, having a few drinks and getting a bit giggly now and then.

I do loosen up when I've had a few and do end up having more fun than I do if I stick to coke. I don't mean chatting up blokes and falling all over the shop, but I am more likely to get up and take part in an air guitar competition dance or whatever

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/08/2014 12:22

He thinks I have a problem with alcohol and he's worried about me.

He is worried about you...interfering in his plans.

You put your foot down once and all of a sudden are an alcoholic?

merrydebs · 05/08/2014 12:26

Doesn't sound excessive at all. Sounds like a total over reaction to you going out. Let it go over your head! And as for someone suggesting you drop the grog for 6 months to prove a point, well....how very boring! Blimey, a week working, juggling kids, home, etc... Personally, I live for the weekend,(and maybe the odd week night), when only a big glass of vino will do! . . .

RiverTam · 05/08/2014 12:27

yes, agree with others, nothing to do with your drinking, everything to do with you having a social life and him having to make childcare arrangements, which clearly he doesn't see as his 'job'. Newsflash: you're a parent too, y'know!

BadLad · 05/08/2014 12:27

I do loosen up when I've had a few and do end up having more fun than I do if I stick to coke

We're talking the black liquid coke, right?

Anyway, I agree that I wouldn't want to give up a pleasure for six months just to get ahead in relationship point-scoring. It doesn't sound to me that you have a problem with booze at all. To be certain, perhaps you could ask someone who was out with you on Saturday but doesn't drink very much whether you were very much the worse for wear at the end of the night.

If you got home yourself though, you probably weren't.

SWIMTHECHANNEL · 05/08/2014 12:27

Keep score - both of you write down what you have to drink during the week.

Original poster

Songofsixpence · 05/08/2014 12:35

Ha ha badlad, yes, coke of the liquid variety

And I did get home under my own steam

He does actually drink more than me, but it's not the same apparently as he doesn't get drunk (which, to be fair, he doesn't)

I think it's because he swanned in Saturday night, announced his plans, with absolutely no consideration for me, no thought of "oh, I'll just check with DW", and I rained on his parade

OP posts:

Original poster

Songofsixpence · 05/08/2014 12:36

*friday night

OP posts:

BuggersMuddle · 05/08/2014 12:39

I don't see the problem.

If you don't drink much, 2 cocktails and a few Pimms would get you pretty merry & probably give you a bit of a hangover. Assuming average Pimms and strongish cocktails maybe the equivalent of a bottle of wine?

Not great for you but not troubling as a rare occurrence.

If your DP is purely talking about the drink (not say, something your said or did while drunk), then I think he's being a bit lot precious. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, if you rarely drink you might have seemed a lot drunker than someone who drinks more regularly, so maybe he thought you'd had a lot more?

StackladysMorphicResonator · 05/08/2014 12:40

Sounds like you're fine, it's your DH who has the problem. Ask him to describe exactly what the problem is as he perceives it - does he feel that you should never be allowed to get drunk? That's ridiculous, I bet he gets tipsy on occasion. He sounds like he's trying to get his own back on you for making him cancel his plans.

Missunreasonable · 05/08/2014 12:43

I think you do have a problem with alcohol - you don't drink enough

Seriously though, there is nothing wrong with going out once every few months and getting a little tipsy. If you were doing it every week your yah would have a point, but he is being ridiculous.
Arrange to go out this coming. Saturday and make a point of telling him that you won't be drinking and see how he reacts. I'm guessing he will find a reason other than alcohol to sulk.

BuggersMuddle · 05/08/2014 12:44

He doesn't get drunk because he has a tolerance for alcohol.

This might mean he 'behaves himself' more easily under the influence, but from a health perspective, the body doesn't really care who was singing and dancing on the tables vs quietly supping in the corner.

Yes it might matter at a function where not being drunk is important, but otherwise it's all booze and if you drink rarely without issues and he drinks often, I'm not quite seeing where he gets the moral high ground.

Original poster

Songofsixpence · 05/08/2014 12:53

I think you do have a problem with alcohol - you don't drink enough

I'm actually going out again on Friday. We have a baby sitter this time as we're both out. Will have to see what he says on Saturday

I remember everything about Saturday, other than dancing with friends and entering an air guitar competition I didn't do or say anything outrageous. I went out about 7, then came home and went to bed. He was awake watching TV in bed, he asked me about my night out, we had one of those nonsensical, laboured conversations you have when you're a bit squiffy, then I conked out. I wasn't sick, didn't crash in the front door or fall up the stairs, didn't wake the kids up or anything like that.

Stacklady he says that he's noticed my alcohol consumption has increased lately. I guess what he actually means is that him having to look after the kids has increased lately

OP posts:

Lottiedoubtie · 05/08/2014 12:54

Ask him what he wants to change? To articulate exactly what it is he's worried about happening and how he thinks you should change it.

I bet he can't without making the suggestion that you stay at home with the kids more.

Tbh, this would prompt me to go out more not less.

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