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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is more about DH's attitude to me going out than any real concern about my alcohol consumption?

62 replies

Songofsixpence · 05/08/2014 11:56

We have a big event going on locally at the moment. In the past DH has been very involved in the event (his company was very involved with the event so it was pretty much expected of him), competes in it and enjoys the social aspect. Due to difficulties finding willing babysitters during the week, I've never really been that involved in it. I go for a few drinks, take the kids to the bits that are suitable, but generally left DH to get on with it. DH has recently changed his job and no longer really has the time or opportunity to be quite so involved with it, but still has a couple of days and nights out planned

Anyway, a group of friends and I had planned a night out in town on Saturday. It had been organised and on the calendar for several weeks. DH announced on Friday that he was taking part in the event on Saturday afternoon and would stay out for a few beers. I reminded him that I was going out Saturday night, it had been planned for ages so if he wanted to go out as well he needed to organise a babysitter. Reluctantly, he came home in time for me to go out.

Now, I'm not going to lie, alcohol was involved on Saturday night, I wasn't paralytic but I'd had a few. I got in at about 1am. I was up first Sunday morning, no moaning about hangovers (although I did feel pretty crap), I cooked roast, walked the dog, took the kids into town for a couple of hours, etc, etc

Sunday evening he announced that we need to talk. He thinks I have a problem with alcohol and he's worried about me.

As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a problem at all, I'll go for weeks with nothing more than the odd weak shandy or spritzer. I don't like wine or beer very much so drink it with lemonade and even then it's very weak and a couple of times a week. I am a bit of a binge drinker, in that if I go out, I'll have a few, but not in any vast quantity.

The last time I went out and had any quantity of alcohol was at a festival in June, before that...no idea. Christmas party maybe?

A common argument we have is that he shows a total lack of consideration and just assumes I'll be home to look after the kids while he goes off and does whatever he wants. This time it back fired and I stuck to my guns

He always says he doesn't have a problem with me going out, but actually he makes it very difficult for me to do so. We don't have babysitters on tap so while he's off out doing whatever, I tend to end up looking after the kids. He's a volunteer at a local youth group, so half the time he's out, he's doing stuff with that so I feel unreasonable to complain that he's out so much, but at the same time, it's still me at home dealing with the kids

So, AIBU to think that this is actually more about DH not being happy that he had to cancel his plans and stay home with the kids, than my alleged problem with alcohol?

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 05/08/2014 12:59

Given the infrequency of your drinking sessions I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Sunday evening he announced that we need to talk. He thinks I have a problem with alcohol and he's worried about me.

And what was your response to that? Did you express the opinion that this was more to do with him having to rearrange his own plans than any real concern about your drinking?

The other thing about your post that struck me was about his volunteering meant that your opportunities to go out are limited. I can see how this is tricky since volunteering for a good cause is all very laudable and you would feel petty by complaining, but it is only sustainable because you have got his back as far as child care is concerned. Did anyone ask you if you wanted to support this cause and give u free time for it? Because in effect that is what you are doing.

If this starts to limit time you would like to spend on something yourself - be that other volunteering, hobby or pastime, socialising then maybe you need to have some agreement. E.g. two nights per week are yours and two nights are his. Any volunteering he wants to do comes out of "his" time - but then that is also the time he has for other socialising and hobbies.

YouTheCat · 05/08/2014 13:04

You do need to talk though. You need to talk about what a total arse your dh is being.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 05/08/2014 13:32

Did you express the opinion that this was more to do with him having to rearrange his own plans than any real concern about your drinking?

Yes, I did, but it descended into a bit of an argument.

I said that I absolutely did not agree I had a drink problem and thought it was ridiculous to suggest I did and that I felt it was more about me going out and him having to cancel his plans. He denied it and said he never stops me going out, if anything I'm always moaning about him going out, etc, etc.

I don't actually mind him going out. I am usually quite happy to put the kids to bed and indulge in the Sky+ box. I'm not one for going out loads, however, I am pissed off with him never showing me any consideration and just making assumptions.

All I've ever asked is for him to talk to me about this stuff instead of just announcing it as a done deed, for example, a couple of weeks ago he came home and announced he was going away the following weekend on a camp with the youth group, someone else had dropped out and he was going in their place. No do you mind, do we have plans or anything. If he didn't go, the camp would be cancelled. I'd be really petty to complain

He's out 4 - 5 times a week, which never really leaves me a whole lot of opportunity to do stuff myself. Yet, he says "oh, I never stop you going out". Technically he doesn't, but unless something is planned, and on the calendar several weeks in advance I don't get a look in.

He's not out for hours and hours rolling home drunk, comes home about 9ish, so on the face of it it seems perfectly reasonable, but it still late enough to miss dealing with the children/me not being able to go out myself

And yet the one time I do go out, he decides I have a drink problem

OP posts:
Miggsie · 05/08/2014 13:39

Well, this one just screams "projection".

I suspect he is worried about his alcohol intake and therefore talking to you about yours so he doesn't have to think about his. And he also seems to want to drink without you - which is suspicious in itself.

He also sounds like he isn't thrilled about looking after the kids getting in the way of his drinking.

I would suggest that if he is truly worried about his drinking you can reply "well, your consumption is higher than healthy" and suggest you both give up alcohol - it will save you a fortune.
Then use the saved money to go on a nice outing/holiday.

If he isn't prepared to modify his drinking you just need to tell him to butt out.

amyhamster · 05/08/2014 13:40

He sounds a plank
Poor you :(

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/08/2014 13:41

I think you need to call him in for a chat and tell him you have been thinking and your 'free time' doesn't seem to equate with his and from now on, you both need an equal amount of down time where the other is totally responsible for the kids. That means 3-4 times a week each.

foolishpeach · 05/08/2014 13:43

It sounds to me like you have a husband problem, not a drink problem.

Why not start making plans of your own on the nights he has previously taken your care of the children for granted?

AlpacaPicnic · 05/08/2014 13:50

Tell him that, since he bought it up, that you are goung to go to AA meetings twice a week from now on.
Then go swimming, or to your local coffee shop, or to the cinema...

IvyBeagle · 05/08/2014 13:52

I suggest you take him to an AA meeting so you can both talk about how much you drink and how he doesn't have a drink problem but you do...

As he is so concerned he will be more than willing to go and support you in your endeavors to stop abusing alcohol three times a year.

:)

YouTheCat · 05/08/2014 13:53

Could you start going to a couple of evening classes? That way it doesn't involve drinking and he can bugger off with his attitude.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 05/08/2014 13:54

He wants a little step ford wife at home behaving herself while he swans out with his mates.

Er what's with the youth volunteering? I would stop this bollocks at once of it leaves you will little free time.

Don't you dare give up alcohol unless you want to chik.

He sounds a controlling sulky tit head.

Greengrow · 05/08/2014 14:00

You need to go out as much as he does. He cannot complain about that as it's only fair. Instead he resents the tiny bit of time you go out compared to him. The man is utterly sexist and unfair. He needs a wake up call.

Very few couples with young children and busy working lives can do the youth volunteering. That is just not something families tend to accept. It is very unfair on the other spouse, like being a golf widow. He should stop it until the youngest child is a teenager.

HolgerDanske · 05/08/2014 14:10

Yep, you need to go out as much as he does. You trade off an evening, a few hours, a day, whenever he has it. I bet you anything he will suddenly have all sorts of problems with you doing whatever it is you choose to do.

This makes me so cross.

toomuchtooold · 05/08/2014 14:14

Oh Christ no YANBU. And I read your thing above where he said he doesn't stop you going out - but you have kids, someone has to be in for them, so every time he goes out he stops you going out! Oh this stuff drives me up the wall. My "D"H is similarly blind (up to the point of actually getting annoyed!) when he is being a dick and I call him on it. he often grumbles mentions that things have changed so much since his parents' generation, so much less was expected from men... yeah but you signed up to an equal relationship chappy, before we had kids, so whinge to someone who gives a fuck, really. Aargh. Sorry.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 05/08/2014 14:36

Thanks!

To be fair, I don't think he has a problem with alcohol either. He doesn't drink much, more than me, but definitely doesn't not to excess. I've never had to carry him up the stairs - well, before kids we did our fair share of getting drunk and sleeping in the porch, but he only usually has a couple of cans of beer a couple of times a week

In theory I don't have a problem with him volunteering. It's supposed to be 1 night a week, then a meeting once a month, but there always seems to be something that he needs to do - recently, it's been a carnival float, then a camp, then it'll be bonfire night, then Christmas, then something else, then another meeting, then maybe another camp, on and in and on. He's not out larging it up every night, which makes me feel extremely petty for complaining about it.

I am starting at Uni in September, a couple of nights a week I'll be a bit later home so he'll have to step up, but he's already complaining that it might clash with this meeting or that meeting.

It's his attitude that pisses me off more than him going out if you see what I mean. I am happy enough with the sofa and Sky+ to myself. He just thinks, "well, if you're not going out, why have I got to stay in?" Which is fair enough I suppose, but unless I plan stuff weeks in advance, I don't actually get a look in.

OP posts:
Greengrow · 05/08/2014 14:55

If it clashes with his meetings then he'll just have to arrange babysitters. Perhaps if he likes being out he could form a babysitting arrangement with another couple where he babysits and in return they babysit for him.

Yambabe · 05/08/2014 15:28

Know what leaps out at me here?

He is out playing golf? doing his events and youth work and having a few beers with the lads quite often.

You are out air giutarring and getting lairy enjoying the odd gig and cocktails with the girls occasionally.

When do you go out together? Hmm

Clutterbugsmum · 05/08/2014 15:31

So this is nothing do with you going out/drinking. And all to do with the fact he doesn't want to parent his own children.

I think you need to start not agreeing to his 'last minute' need to go out plans. I hope you have some back up plans for September because to me all this shouts of him not being available due to work and make it hard for you to do your university course.

HolgerDanske · 05/08/2014 15:37

Yes, I agree. You will likely find he instigates a LOT of opposition once he realises he is required to parent his children on the nights you aren't in. I hope it all works out ok. But I would get in the habit of challenging him on this and all related behaviour now.

moggiek · 05/08/2014 15:38

As everyone else has said - the problem is not with your drinking, but his affront at being expected to do his share of childcare while you relax with friends.

starterforeight · 05/08/2014 15:50

Is he deliberately misinterpreting your insistence on going, out even though he too had arranged to go out, as you insisting on drinking alcohol because it suits him to do this.

You only drink substantial amounts of alcohol when you are out. He wants first dibs on going out every time there is a clash so.......plant the idea that he is worried about wife's alcohol consumption, something she does to any extent when she goes out and get her to agree that she maybe needs to cut back on the binge sessions (however infrequent they actually are) and bingo ! he has precedence any time it comes to a clash of commitments over nights out.

He comes across as concerned (or so he thinks if he actually believes you will fall for it) and he gets to go out because there are no such concerns being expressed about his alcohol consumption, it's only you under scrutiny on that front.

I think you need a serious chat about the reality of home life in September, bollox to your supposed drink problem.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 05/08/2014 15:53

Thanks!

He isn't keen about uni (he thinks it's too much £££ but I have a student loan) so I have made back up plans.

I'm doing it part-time, so I'm not talking late-late, I'll be home by 6. He's getting his knickers in a twist over nothing really, and even if I am late and he has to miss a meeting, it's tough really

Yambabe. We do lots of stuff together as a family at weekends, but just him and me, not so much. We don't have a large pool of babysitters so tend to go out seperately. We should, even a film and a takeaway once the kids are in bed would be good, but it seems he'd rather go out

OP posts:
RiverTam · 05/08/2014 15:57

tough tit if your uni clashes with his meeting. You have been facilitating his volunteering for years. Time for him to step up.

To get him used to it, I would book up a whole load of evening things, present it to him as a fait accompli, and swan out and leave him to it. Kind of like he does, really.

OnlyLovers · 05/08/2014 16:02

He's an arse and I don't believe you have a drink problem at all.

It's not on that he gets to go out so regularly and you hardly get a chance (and it doesn't matter if it's youth volunteer work rather than out with mates). The two of you need to have the same amount of free time.

Book in some dates for the foreseeable future when you're going to be out and put them on the calendar now.

CruCru · 05/08/2014 16:04

Dude - this is not about your drinking. Is he jealous or controlling in other ways? Is he worried about you flirting with men after having a few drinks?

I once had a live in boyfriend tell me that I had a problem because I need alcohol when I objected to him pouring all our booze away. He had been out for most of the afternoon and all the evening boozing. I had stayed in, done some homework (uni), tidied up, washed up and had a potter on the computer. He was a complete penis. And he bloody poured away our white wine vinegar as a gesture.