to think this is more about DH's attitude to me going out than any real concern about my alcohol consumption?

[Songofsixpence]

We have a big event going on locally at the moment. In the past DH has been very involved in the event (his company was very involved with the event so it was pretty much expected of him), competes in it and enjoys the social aspect. Due to difficulties finding willing babysitters during the week, I've never really been that involved in it. I go for a few drinks, take the kids to the bits that are suitable, but generally left DH to get on with it. DH has recently changed his job and no longer really has the time or opportunity to be quite so involved with it, but still has a couple of days and nights out planned

Anyway, a group of friends and I had planned a night out in town on Saturday. It had been organised and on the calendar for several weeks. DH announced on Friday that he was taking part in the event on Saturday afternoon and would stay out for a few beers. I reminded him that I was going out Saturday night, it had been planned for ages so if he wanted to go out as well he needed to organise a babysitter. Reluctantly, he came home in time for me to go out.

Now, I'm not going to lie, alcohol was involved on Saturday night, I wasn't paralytic but I'd had a few. I got in at about 1am. I was up first Sunday morning, no moaning about hangovers (although I did feel pretty crap), I cooked roast, walked the dog, took the kids into town for a couple of hours, etc, etc

Sunday evening he announced that we need to talk. He thinks I have a problem with alcohol and he's worried about me.

As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a problem at all, I'll go for weeks with nothing more than the odd weak shandy or spritzer. I don't like wine or beer very much so drink it with lemonade and even then it's very weak and a couple of times a week. I am a bit of a binge drinker, in that if I go out, I'll have a few, but not in any vast quantity.

The last time I went out and had any quantity of alcohol was at a festival in June, before that...no idea. Christmas party maybe?

A common argument we have is that he shows a total lack of consideration and just assumes I'll be home to look after the kids while he goes off and does whatever he wants. This time it back fired and I stuck to my guns

He always says he doesn't have a problem with me going out, but actually he makes it very difficult for me to do so. We don't have babysitters on tap so while he's off out doing whatever, I tend to end up looking after the kids. He's a volunteer at a local youth group, so half the time he's out, he's doing stuff with that so I feel unreasonable to complain that he's out so much, but at the same time, it's still me at home dealing with the kids

So, AIBU to think that this is actually more about DH not being happy that he had to cancel his plans and stay home with the kids, than my alleged problem with alcohol?

Honestly, he's not normally a twat..

I think with Saturday he's annoyed/jealous that this year he can't be as involved in the local event as he usually is.

The company he used to work for was heavily involved in it so it was pretty much expected that he take part and go out socialising every evening.

This year, he's in a different job, he doesn't have the time or opportunity, so when he was given the chance by a group of his old colleagues to take part on Saturday he was pissed off at having to cancel it.

Understandable he's disappointed, but my plans came first so too bad

As for uni, he thinks it's a lot of money, but I don't think he'll be a total twat about it, he'll have to get used to it

He does muck in with the kids when he's here, he's just not here all that much

But he didn't need to cancel, he needed to get a babysitter/arrange childcare. Do you see ? He was and is taking you for granted in as much as you usually don't go out so he doesn't normally have to go to so much trouble if he wants a night out.

Then you went and had a good time, when he was at home with the kids, how very dare you.....what can I do to minimise the chances of this happening again to me.... I know I'll question her alcohol intake, shock her into not thinking nights out are such a good idea.....after all she might be wanting nights out with new Uni mates too after September....better plant some seeds of doubt now....

I also volunteer for a local youth group.

My volunteering emphatically doesn't involve going out and having a few beers, where am I going wrong??

Seriously though, if I had to give up 4 nights a week at home for it I wouldn't do it, not fair to expect dh to be alone 4 nights a week! I give up roughly 1 night a month for it plus more when we have a big summer event planned. Otherwise if there's beers to be had its when dh and I go out together!

What is ludicrous is not your drinking but him going out four nights a week and then fussing if you go out once in six months. There's a massive issue here- he thinks you are there to facilitate his life and unfortunately to date you've done so and he's selfish as a result. I think a reset on this one is in order.

Well it may be that he was just having an attack of misogyny because he was narked about not being involved in the event this year. People do sometimes find themselves reverting to childhood bigotry such as racism and sexism when they are hurt or upset or scared. But you need to stamp on it hard now. He needs to lose the idea that you are the 'woman' and therefore take second place to anything he wants to do. OK, sometimes you will both want to go out on the same evening - you either arrange a babysitter or you toss a coin. He doesn't get to take precedence because he is THe One WIth The Penis.

I don't think you have a drink problem.

Tell him he'll need to step up and do a lot more childcare because you'll be going out to AA meetings regularly from now on and see how he reacts ...

Thanks!

We will definitely be having words with his attitude to me going out

I think the problem is, I'm quite introverted and quite happy mooching at home with the occasional night out. I'm not a complete loner who never leaves the house, but I tend to meet friends for lunch while the kids are at school or something like that.

He's very extroverted and likes lots of people around him and things to do. He'd rather go and build a carnival float with lots of other people, than sit and watch a film with me at home on our own.

99% of the time it's not really a problem, I feel guilty for complaining when he is helping with a good cause and making him sit at home with me feels a bit petty so I suck it up.

It's the 1%, like Saturday when it is a problem as he's got so used to just swanning around doing as he pleases and presenting his plans as a done deed. Usually I'm not that fussed about going out and he's taking that for granted. We've kind of sleepwalked into it if you see what I mean.

I will certainly be less available from now on

How old are your kids, Songofsixpence? If I've understood right, he's missing all the bedtime stuff whilst he is out volunteering. Does he get to see them at all on those evenings, or just miss the bedtime bit?

It just seems to me that bedtimes with small or smallish kids are pretty relentless. The snuggle-up-and-read-a-story bit is lovely, but the argue-about-teeth-cleaning-and-asking-14-times-to-put-pyjamas-on bit is less so. Does he get to miss the hard work bit and justify it because he is volunteering for a good cause like a youth group with older kids who don't have small-child tantrums?

Do you fancy the idea of an evening class, or a regular night with friends or something? My husband is a lot a bit of a workaholic and it really helps when I have a planned activity that I have to be on time for. He CAN get home in time when he has to, but he will default to needing-to-do-stuff in the office otherwise.

My DP volunteers. I must admit when he started I wasn't as supportive as I might have been, but gradually I got used to it and could see it made hi happy (even if it's so far from my cup of tea it beggars belief).

He then started doing some professional stuff (which I was fully supportive of) and also training more sport.

We don't have kids so we absolutely can do all of this, but I still ended up having words when the volunteering was going on to the same level at the same time as he was taking up posts with his professional body and training.

The way he saw it: I trained more than him (true) and I am less sociable than him (also true). Therefore I wouldn't mind him being out all the time (false).

The way I saw it: He would rather be at a committee meeting / training session + pub with acquaintances than snuggled up on the sofa with me watching a DVD. We were constantly 'too busy' for a long weekend, but 4hrs on a weeknight was fair game?

I don't know if any of this is true for you OP - just sharing my experience, in that I found 'couple time' (unless it was a booked gig / theatre / whatever) was almost seen as the default...except it was starting to happen less and less.

Him: 'We can have a curry and rent a DVD any evening.'

Me: 'Okay, when was the last time we did...?'

Talking it through did work and while he still volunteers he does much less and runs any major commitments past me.

They're not little. 11 and 7. Still a relentless performance of get in the shower/can I have a DVD/go to bed/put your pyjamas on/brush your teeth/hair nitting/go to bed/can I have a DVD/go to bed/can I have a drink/go to bed/I'm hungry every night

He usually get in from work about 6, then goes out again about 7ish. He does see them, but then gets to bail out of the above.

Buggersmuddle yes, it is very true

He needs to learn that the youth work might be a good cause, but so is his family, to the point that it should be his first responsibility. That means not volunteering to spend less than half of his evenings in their (and your) company, doing things with them, talking about their days, their worries, the things that have made them happy, etc.

Well further to my first post it sounds like you're certainly not overdoing it to a worrying point, so yes he is either annoyed or controlling. I would start booking more stuff in the calendar well in advance if I were you... A few regular hobbies of an evening perhaps.