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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has been in bed since sunday, what do I do?

98 replies

superspamiam · 04/08/2014 19:35

My Dh suffers with depression. He has recently had to come off his ADs due to bad side effects. He has been up and down with his mood as you would expect, but things really took a turn after the weekend. He seemed on good form all of Saturday and then went spectacularly downhill on Sunday. From about 10 am he slept on the sofa until I told him to go back to bed. There he has stayed since then. It is now Monday evening and he has not surfaced at all. I have tried everything to get him up. I have shouted and pleaded for him to try and get up. I am at the end of my tether to be honest. We have two small children and they keep asking why Daddy is still in bed. I just don't know what to say to them. My poor 6 year old daughter was sobbing yesterday that Daddy wont play with her, and he wouldn't even talk to her. I am fucking livid to be honest and I want it to stop. God I am so angry typing this. Yes I know I am being selfish but I have just had enough. This is only part of the shit I have had to deal with over the last couple of years.
I just don't know what to do for the best anymore. He thinks counselling wont help.

OP posts:

OhYouBadBadKitten · 04/08/2014 19:37

Does he have a cpn or a crisis number to call?

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/08/2014 19:39

I feel for both of you. Presumably the DC are now in bed? Why not offer him a drink/meal, served there if he must, then in the morning you call his gp?

Meloria · 04/08/2014 19:39

I think you just have to let it pass. Coming off ADs can result in horrible lows so you just have to be supportive. It is important to explain to the children why their father can't play with them, not that he won't. 6 is old enough to understand that someone can't play if they don't feel well.

Being angry and shouting at him isn't going to help anyone and could maybe even prolong the issue. You just have to be supportive and encourage him back to life gently and to use his self help techniques or visit the GP.

Sallystyle · 04/08/2014 19:41

If he can't get out of bed because his depression is that severe he needs medical help, not shouting at.

I say this as someone who has been dealing with a severely depressed husband for 8 years and know just how hard it can be to sit back and watch and the strain it can cause.

If it were my husband I would be calling the crisis team because he is known to them and they would come round and talk to him and get him urgent help if needed.

In your case I would suggest calling a GP or out of hours to see if perhaps someone can come see him.

If he genuinely can't get out of bed he needs help.

I do sympathise with you, I really do. But for now, I think you need to get some medical advice from the experts.

indigo18 · 04/08/2014 19:43

I don't think this is the best forum for advice. There are knowledgeable people on the site though so hopefully someone can help you.

Finney2 · 04/08/2014 19:43

Did he come off his ADs with the support of his Dr and is there a plan in place to help him with his depression? If the answer to either of these questions is no then I don't blame you for being livid.

Depression is fucking horrible, I know from personal experience, but it's not an excuse for ignoring your kids. I'd be insisting on a GP appt tomorrow. Good luck OP x

HeySoulSister · 04/08/2014 19:43

What's he actually doing in bed?

On his phone? Watching tv? Or is he sleeping?

Is he eating?

ithoughtofitfirst · 04/08/2014 19:44

Don't put pressure on him he probably already feels horrendous enough as it is. Just leave him wallow, it will pass. Make something up to your DC. That he's very poorly with such and such and needs to stay in bed for a while. I used tp cry when my mum worked night shifts and slept in the day and I don't think it did me any harm to find something else to play with.

He needs you to be his advocate, contact the right people, be calm and caring. Support him.

Will the world end if he is in bed for a few days?

ancientbuchanan · 04/08/2014 19:45

Should he have been at work?

Call the gp tomorrow if you haven't done do today.

Deverethemuzzler · 04/08/2014 19:47

I think it's time to call the crisis team.
If he is literally not getting out of bed he could be very ill.
But it's fine for you to feel angry. You must be at the end of your tether

Sallystyle · 04/08/2014 19:48

What do you mean depression is not an excuse for ignoring kids?

It's not an excuse, sometimes severe depression leaves you unable to do anything at all. That is not an excuse. For someone who claims to know about depression you obviously don't know much about how severe depression can lead you totally unable to interact with anybody.

OP I wouldn't leave this to just pass. I would personally call tonight, or wait until the morning to see how he is then, but please get advice first thing in the morning at the latest.

temporaryusername · 04/08/2014 19:53

OP, how long exactly has he been in the bed? Has he been to the loo or fetched any water? Has he spoken at all? Just trying to get a take on it. Also, to second the question above - is there a doctor or nurse supervising this medication change?

Gruntfuttock · 04/08/2014 19:56

OP, You said " I am fucking livid to be honest and I want it to stop. God I am so angry typing this. Yes I know I am being selfish but I have just had enough. This is only part of the shit I have had to deal with over the last couple of years."

Would you feel the same if he had a physical illness?

PfftTheMagicDraco · 04/08/2014 20:02

I suspect that maybe the OP needs somewhere to vent. I'm hoping that her expression here is one of frustration, and that she wouldn't say that to him. I don't think jumping on her and making her feel worse is going to help her to help her husband.

crashbandicoot · 04/08/2014 20:02

OP my dh has just supported me through one month bed rest. people cannot just "snap out"of depression. I confessed I was having suicidal thoughts and was referred to a CPN and given sertraline. I needed my own time and space to do it. It has put a lot of strain on my marriage but thankfully dh has been understanding so far.

Viviennemary · 04/08/2014 20:02

He must be in a bad way. I don't think shouting at him will help. Does he have a job. If so he should call in sick. I'd leave him alone till say Wednesday then put pressure on him to go to the GP.

Ilovenewts · 04/08/2014 20:06

How did he come off the drugs ? With the support of a doctor ? Slowly ? Because coming off drugs like those very quickly can be fucking worse than the illness itself believe me.

HeySoulSister · 04/08/2014 20:08

How long was he on them? Not long presumably if he then came off them due to side effects

Thought they took ages to even start working..

PomeralLights · 04/08/2014 20:12

Would you react this way if he had a physical illness OP?

zippy539 · 04/08/2014 20:13

OP you have my massive sympathy. DH has chronic depression (medicated) and has been in bed (sleeping) for the better part of the weekend and for most of today. I have no good advice and am at a loss myself. DH has been great for about four/five months and this is his first major blip in ages and I find it heartbreaking/infuriating/horribly worrying.
I agree though that you should go back to his docs - if he won't/can't - because the withdrawal might be too much at this stage in his illness.

zippy539 · 04/08/2014 20:15

OP - re your children, I just tell mine that DH isn't well - because it's true.

ICanSeeTheSun · 04/08/2014 20:15

Do you think he may be suicidal, if so 999 ASAP.

I would phone the out of hours doctors and see what they say.

Icelollycraving · 04/08/2014 20:15

I can understand your anger. People on here do get overwhelmed with partners who have physical illnesses & people are generally supportive. You sound exhausted,trying to manage children's expectations is probably taking it's toll. Make the call,get some help.

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2014 20:16

Maybe she would feel the same if he had a physical illness!
When my DH ruptured his Achilles' tendon at what was a very diffucult time I our lives anyway I admit to being bloody annoyed at times.
In my head I knew it wasn't his fault and he hadn't asked for it but I did resent the hell out of him at times when I had a lot to deal with and he was stuck on the sofa.
Just because OP is getting annoyed at the situation it doesn't mean she's unsympathetic, most of us dont live with a depressed partner and don't know what it's like.
I lived with a bipolar Narc father and it's hell

SolidGoldBrass · 04/08/2014 20:19

Definitely have a word with GP. But if he is refusing either to take medication or seek counselling it's OK to consider ending the relationship. You and DC should not have to spend the rest of your lives tiptoeing around his illness.

Yes, depression is an illness, but being ill doesn't stop someone being a selfish arse, either. It sounds like your household has had to revolve around him and his moods for years, and it's perfectly reasonable to have had enough.

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