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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has been in bed since sunday, what do I do?

98 replies

superspamiam · 04/08/2014 19:35

My Dh suffers with depression. He has recently had to come off his ADs due to bad side effects. He has been up and down with his mood as you would expect, but things really took a turn after the weekend. He seemed on good form all of Saturday and then went spectacularly downhill on Sunday. From about 10 am he slept on the sofa until I told him to go back to bed. There he has stayed since then. It is now Monday evening and he has not surfaced at all. I have tried everything to get him up. I have shouted and pleaded for him to try and get up. I am at the end of my tether to be honest. We have two small children and they keep asking why Daddy is still in bed. I just don't know what to say to them. My poor 6 year old daughter was sobbing yesterday that Daddy wont play with her, and he wouldn't even talk to her. I am fucking livid to be honest and I want it to stop. God I am so angry typing this. Yes I know I am being selfish but I have just had enough. This is only part of the shit I have had to deal with over the last couple of years.
I just don't know what to do for the best anymore. He thinks counselling wont help.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 05/08/2014 13:01

Mrs Bolden "I'm a MH nurse - he doesn't need to be known to the Crisis Team. Google them for your area and call them."

OP, please get him professional help now. He's in unbearable pain. Do what Mrs Bolden said now please. Not later, not tomorrow or next week.

LEMmingaround · 05/08/2014 13:01

How quickly did he come off meds? He is unwell yes unlike flu stayi gin bed is making g things worse.

LEMmingaround · 05/08/2014 13:04

Badlad your friend needs a medication review. There are other ads and there might be something more suitable.

Depression really is a crippling and often fatal illness

Gruntfuttock · 05/08/2014 13:04

Oh, and OP, please at least try be as kind and loving and patient as you can with him. It will help.

BadLad · 05/08/2014 13:10

Badlad your friend needs a medication review. There are other ads and there might be something more suitable.

Thanks - that sounds right. But she has completely given up any thought of recovery, and she only goes to one in four appointments that are made for her, and those only after much persuasion. When she doesn't go, her husband often goes instead to explain the problem, but the medical professionals are reluctant to discuss it with him.

BadLad · 05/08/2014 13:25

Actually, I'm going to start my own thread in Mental Health. Sorry for intruding, OP. Hope things get better for you.

Original poster
superspamiam · 05/08/2014 13:30

I spoke to the crisis team early this morning and they said he wouldn't need to go back to GP and he could ring at 9 am to get urgently reviewed. He called mental health team and they told him to go to GP. I called them back and explained last nights events in detail. The mental health nurse wouldn't have it and insisted he must go to GP to be re referred.
In the meantime his GP had been informed by the out of hours GP that DH had refused to see her. In actual fact she refused to come as he wouldn't speak to her on the phone to consent to her coming here first. I wanted to get him seen asap but he refused A and E. Its just such a shambles the care he has received. I cant remember if I said in OP that he was abruptly stopped on the citalopram without any care package in place except for some shite counsellor he was seeing. No other medication given. Not even Diazepam to stop the muscle spasms/seizures he was having. Now we are just going to have to wait to see GP who probably now has the opinion of Dh that he is being obstructive.

OP posts:
Original poster
superspamiam · 05/08/2014 13:35

I really have done everything I can. I haven't been unkind to him, even though I have felt like it. The worst I did was shout at him initially which was wrong but I am only human. If I had any clue how bad things were I never would have done that. I haven't waited to get help at all. I really don't know what more I could have done.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 05/08/2014 13:39

Your GP is rubbish. Your husband is very seriously ill! He needs help. Imagine the worst physical pain possible = soemthing horrific like being skinned alive - and having no pain relief - so you just need the pain to end now. That's what being suicidal is. Your husband made the wrong decision by suddenly stopping the citalopram, but now the professionals have to take over and give him the urgent treatment he needs. He should be in hospital.

RumPunch · 05/08/2014 13:41

I don't know if they have any near you, but I found Rethink brilliant in the long run. Obviously he needs something quicker right now though!

Gruntfuttock · 05/08/2014 13:41

What would happen if you called 999 I wonder. Does anyone know if that would get him the help he needs?

Original poster
superspamiam · 05/08/2014 13:44

Gruntfuttock My DH did not make the decision to stop the AD his GP was adamant that he must stop them immediately as he was having seizures. It was a matter of his safety, not a knee jerk reaction from him. He was gutted that he had to stop them.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 05/08/2014 13:48

I am so sorry, OP. reading too quickly. Such an emotive subject and the sense of urgency meant I didn't take sufficient care. Apologies again. The GP shouldn't have left him high and dry without anything.

Original poster
superspamiam · 05/08/2014 13:51

Calling 999 would result in a blue light ambulance pulling up outside your house and then the paramedics coming in and trying to persuade him he really ought to go to A and E. Dh had an inkling last night that I was going to call them and said he was getting ready to chin them as they walked in the door. As you can tell he was not really in a rational mood. I was told last night, they don't have the power to section people. Only a doctor can do that. Even the police are powerless to hold people and take them to hospital unless they are outside the house and are a danger to themselves or others.
The on call GP refused to come to assess him.
What could I do more Gruntfuttock ? I would really love to know...

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 05/08/2014 13:52

I don't know, OP, I really don't. It's such a frightening situation. So sorry this is happening.

Bakersbum · 05/08/2014 13:58

I am so sorry you are going through this op, I went through something very similar with my dp a few years ago, it was a horrific time. I did end up taking him to A&E, thankfully he agreed to go, they were brilliantly, we were seen fairly quickly by the mental health team, a home crisis plan was put in place immediately, we were no longer alone. They also sorted out his meds quickly too. I don't know how you make someone agree to go that doesn't want to, for my DP it was either kill himself or try it. Good luck.

MorphineDreams · 05/08/2014 13:58

You are being terribly terribly let down. This is absolutely ridiculous. I am so so sorry.

It's so hard if they aren't willing to help themselves, it really is. I only got 'proper' help because I had a meltdown, my partner pinned me on the floor to stop me hurting myself and rang an ambulance. Apparently I wasn't bad enough to have the crisis team come and see me though Hmm but thankfully a fabulous mental health nurse realised how bad I was and put me in touch with a consultant.

The GP should have prescribed something else if he was having seizures on them, and also you can't just STOP an AD, you have the most awful withdrawal symptoms. This may be why he's so bad at the minute.

If he is having suicidal thoughts he is a danger to himself.

I would keep on at the GP, and have you sat down with your DH and said that something needs to be done because not only is his health at risk, but yours

Soggysandpit · 05/08/2014 14:03

Call the crisis team. I'm a GP and, to be honest, I wouldn't visit in this situation - if someone is unwell enough that they cannot leave the house, then they are too unwell to be managed in primary and I have to manage my very limited time. But I would have suggested you call the crisis team and offered to call them myself on your behalf so that you get a visit from them that same day.

Google (name of your local council) crisis team and you'll find the number.

thornyhousewife · 05/08/2014 14:12

OP- he needs immediate medical attention. It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't want or will or won't do.

I realise his mental illness will make him want to refuse treatment but that is not the right decision for your whole family. You cannot wait for him to get better, he needs treatment now.

Maybe you spoke to halfwits on the phone earlier. Ignore them. Keep phoning, go to the gp and ask for an emergency appointment, do not let them fob you off.

Waiting around to see if he gets better on his own is not a viable option. Neither is asking him what he wants to happen- he is beyond rational thought. His family need him to get the appropriate help.

Good luck Op.I feel for you and have been in a similar situation.

chockbic · 05/08/2014 14:13

Can you contact the practice manager of your doctors? Tell them you need help urgently. If not you will have to call an ambulance.

If he was having a heart attack they wouldn't be passing the buck. Absolutely dreadful care.

SignYourName · 05/08/2014 14:19

Oh OP, I feel for you so much. It is beyond shit when the system designed to help actually makes things worse, and unimaginably difficult when the very nature of severe depression makes it more likely that the sufferer will feel unable to engage with MHCPs.

You're doing fabulously in unbelievably difficult circumstances. But you need help and support.

The only thing that will make a difference is if you make such a bloody nuisance of yourself with GP and crisis team that they do what they should be doing to shut you up. MIND have recommendations of various resources and how to access them - there may be something you haven't already tried Crisis support services

As far as medication goes, has he been prescribed a replacement? If not, get onto the GP about that too. As PPs have said, a sudden withdrawal has probably contributed to his 'crash' and the suicidal ideation.

temporaryusername makes some excellent suggestions about how you can help him start to face even simple day-to-day tasks. I know when my DH is at his worst, he just sleeps. He doesn't eat, he doesn't drink, he doesn't wash...he just sleeps. Getting him to have a shower and eat a meal is a massive achievement for both of us.

Thanks OP. I hope things improve for you all very very soon.

redastra · 05/08/2014 14:20

I am so sorry to hear that you are both having such a difficult time OP. I was the partner with depression in our marriage and I know that my husband was driven to despair with me at times - he was always and is very supportive but I know that it got it down sometimes.

I am also a practice nurse and having spent the last hour rereading the guidelines on Citalopram your DH should not have been having seizures as a side effect. Your husband needs to be properly assessed to ensure that there is not another underlying cause of his depression, some metabolic disorders can give horrendous feelings which can make mild depression a lot worse and can also result in seizure type activity.

Maybe broach it with your husband that there may be a physical cause or condition that is exacerbating his low mood and that he should go and get some bloods done at the very least to rule other things out. Very often men struggle with a diagnosis of depression etc as it is not seen as being "manly".

Can I ask where you are OP? I am in Scotland and some of our mental health care guidelines are slightly different to England and Wales. Also there are quite a lot of local volunteer charities that can provide support depending on where you are!

And please remember that depression like many chronic diseases are difficult to deal and very often the rest of the family get forgotten about. You are important too as you are the one that is holding it all together. You need to get family/friends involved so that you can get a break - even an hour or so to go and get a coffee while knowing that he is safe!

I know that forums like this can result in a lot of OP bashing but please keep posting - it really is a good outlet, (but maybe don't post in AIBU). I hope you get it sorted soon.

MorphineDreams · 05/08/2014 14:24

This clearly shows how mental health is still not taken seriously by some medical professionals.

That GP is a let down on a massive scale, he should be reported.

Tiptops · 05/08/2014 14:26

OP I'm sure this is the last thing on your mind at the moment but reading your original post I thought the books 'I had a black dog' and 'living with a black dog' would be really helpful for your whole family. I too suffer from bouts of depression and found both books brilliant - not heavy reading but gets the messages across too.

mrssmith79 · 05/08/2014 14:47

Also a MH nurse. Please, please ring the crisis team again and insist that they attend. Make sure they know that dh has voiced suicidal intent and that there are children living in the house. Don't take no for an answer (easier said than done, I know).

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