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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has been in bed since sunday, what do I do?

98 replies

superspamiam · 04/08/2014 19:35

My Dh suffers with depression. He has recently had to come off his ADs due to bad side effects. He has been up and down with his mood as you would expect, but things really took a turn after the weekend. He seemed on good form all of Saturday and then went spectacularly downhill on Sunday. From about 10 am he slept on the sofa until I told him to go back to bed. There he has stayed since then. It is now Monday evening and he has not surfaced at all. I have tried everything to get him up. I have shouted and pleaded for him to try and get up. I am at the end of my tether to be honest. We have two small children and they keep asking why Daddy is still in bed. I just don't know what to say to them. My poor 6 year old daughter was sobbing yesterday that Daddy wont play with her, and he wouldn't even talk to her. I am fucking livid to be honest and I want it to stop. God I am so angry typing this. Yes I know I am being selfish but I have just had enough. This is only part of the shit I have had to deal with over the last couple of years.
I just don't know what to do for the best anymore. He thinks counselling wont help.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 04/08/2014 20:21

Please don't leave it until Wed OP.

You need proper advice and he needs seeing by tomorrow at the latest. Well, you at least need a professional to make the call whether or not he can be left.

Don't leave it to see if he gets better, he might get worse. Right now you have to be his advocate no matter how much strain it is putting on you.

I have btdt so many times over the last 8 years I have lost count. I know how you feel, but right now you have to put this to one side and get him help and then if you feel you can no longer cope then you need to think that through when this crisis is over, but right now he needs you to get him help.

The crisis team would be straight in here because depression of this kind can be very dangerous. I would not want to take the risk so I call the experts in and then they can take over which also lightens my load a little. I am maybe in a better position than you to do that as he is well known to them.

Deverethemuzzler · 04/08/2014 20:22

My oh has a physical illness and I feel like the OP sometimes.
I love my OH.
I hate his illness.

I have MH issues.
I am under no illusions regarding how gpdifficult they are to live with either

Sallystyle · 04/08/2014 20:23

Also, look into a carers support group in your area.

I meet with carers once a week and we talk about how hard it is for us and the strain we are under. We can talk about how hard it is and vent and no one judges.

You may find it useful if his depression is a long term illness.

Gruntfuttock · 04/08/2014 20:23

Does anyone think that responses to the OP would be far harsher if it was a man complaining about his wife? I do. Incidentally, in my marriage I'm the depressed partner, but fortunately my husband has always been incredibly loving and supportive. I never forget how lucky I am in that regard.

Numanoid · 04/08/2014 20:24

He needs help, not shouting at. I understand it's stressful, but being "livid" at him is very unkind.

I suspect that maybe the OP needs somewhere to vent. I'm hoping that her expression here is one of frustration, and that she wouldn't say that to him.

I hope this is true, nothing worse than feeling depressed and knowing your partner blames you for your behaviour (I've not been depressed, but have been in OP's position).

Call his GP and ask for advice, OP. They will be able to advise you on what to do. :)

Numanoid · 04/08/2014 20:24

Does anyone think that responses to the OP would be far harsher if it was a man complaining about his wife? I do.

Definitely. That's the way it is on many topics here.

Altinkum · 04/08/2014 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

limon · 04/08/2014 20:28

OP you have my heartfelt sympathies. I've both suffered from depression and lived long term with a chronic severe depressive partner.

if I were you id get on to the mental health crisis team. This is a mental health crisis - and equally a crisis for you and your dc.

you have every right to feel angry and frustrated.

temporaryusername · 04/08/2014 20:29

OP can you go in again, really gently and kindly, and try and present him with a really tiny goal - like propping himself up in bed for a few minutes and having a drink. Maybe take him a nice drink in and see if you get any response. If you do just say well done, now you just rest and drink that, and leave it for a bit, don't try and engage in a conversation that could lead to an argument. If he can manage to do something at some point like putting on the tv (if you have one in there) that will be a good sign. If at any point he seems to be improving, suggest a goal that is focused on getting back into bed, but in a more comfortable state - eg. managing to eat a little snack in the room, and/or wash his face/clean teeth while you straighten the bed. I know it must be so hard for you, I am sorry. But really when it is hard to move he needs maximum encouragement for minimum achievements.

Is staying in bed often a part of his problem? Does he seem much worse than normal? Sounds like medical advice is needed re the drugs asap - did he come suddenly and without supervision? Is an alternative planned? Sorry for interrogation, just concerned for you to get the best advice from anyone who reads this.

Sallystyle · 04/08/2014 20:31

If someone hasn't lived with someone with a mental illness then they have no idea how hard it is.

A one off episode, or one every year or so is often not so bad, but constant depression is tough to live with.

It is hard having to hold everything together when he is ill with five children. Sometimes I get sick of having to be the strong one.

I am loving and supportive of my husband but I am not a fucking saint.

Diamondsareagirls · 04/08/2014 20:33

Those of you having a go or criticising the OP, shame on you. The OP has come on here for support and is in need of people who are going to help. It is incredibly difficult dealing with two young children and a partner who is depressed. I am not saying her DH isn't in a terrible position and I can't imagine how hard that must be but it is clear she is asking how to help. Yes, she is a human being and has expressed frustration at the situation; not all of us are perfect.
OP, I have no better advice than those other helpful posters have given but please ignore those who are not and be kind to yourself. x

mollypup · 04/08/2014 20:33

I suffer from reccurent brief depression and to know my partner resented me for illness really wouldn't do me any favours. Depression is a serious illness, just because it isn't physical doesn't make it any less real.

Altinkum · 04/08/2014 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Altinkum · 04/08/2014 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippy539 · 04/08/2014 20:42

U2 - bang on right. It's so fucking hard. I don't hate DH for having this disease but I bloody HATE the disease. If I could rid the world of one illness with the wave of a wand it would be depression - it destroys lives. And I say that as the parent of a child with a chronic illness. I would honestly cure depression over the horrible disease that my child has because the knock-on effect of depression is HUGE.

amyhamster · 04/08/2014 20:45

Op Flowers and a {{{hug}}} for you
Can you tell us if he's drunk or eaten anything or taken his medication ?
Please phone the crisis team or his GP

temporaryusername · 04/08/2014 20:45

Actually people do sometimes get grumpy to say the least when caring for someone who is physically ill. It isn't ideal but having to cope with so many demands from a physically or mentally ill person is very hard and we all have our limits. Unfortunately though, that doesn't change the fact that being aggressive can make them worse. OP you do need support and a break yourself. Sorry if I have missed this somewhere in the thread but does your DH have any family who know about his issues and can help in any way?

musicalendorphins2 · 04/08/2014 22:08

We have two small children and they keep asking why Daddy is still in bed. I just don't know what to say to them.

Tell your children that daddy is not feeling well and to leave him in peace.

Original poster
superspamiam · 05/08/2014 12:36

thanks to everyone for their kind words and support. An update from yesterday. DH eventually got up and admitted to severe suicidal thoughts the worst he has ever had. He also admitted when I took the kids out to escape yesterday afternoon he sat in the bath with a knife held to his wrist. He was unable to carry it out. But he says its only a matter of time before he does it. My head is in bits. I called 111 and the gp refused to come to the house as dh had refused to first speak to her on the phone. Short of calling an ambulance there was nothing I could do . I didn't do that as I don't want to lose the trust dh has in confiding in me. It would do so much damage that he would go off and do it outside the house.

Wrongly or rightly I bargained with him to wait a week before he does anything and also not to do it in a way so me or kids could find him. This sounds so cold writing this but I cant get across the torment we both feel.
He is not known to the mental health team as he never followed up his referral as he is in denial about it all. So the crisis team could not help. Next port of call is his crappy GP. I have taken a letter explicitly explaining how bad he is as he wont be able to express it. Will just wait and see. He is out of bed but struggling today.

OP posts:
ChatEnOeuf · 05/08/2014 12:47

I think you do need to call an ambulance.

ballstoit · 05/08/2014 12:49

God, op, your GP sounds useless. Mind have a telephone helpline that careers can ring to get advice and support, perhaps they could offer some constructive advice on getting help for your DH.

May also be a good idea to ask for this thread to be moved to Mental Health, where you will get a more experienced and empathetic response.

I've suffered from severe depression and have been sectioned previously, I know now that my illness put a huge strain on my family. Don't feel bad for needing to vent and finding the situation frustrating. You are clearly at the end of your tether, and dealing with this and 2 small dc alone must be incredibly hard x

drudgetrudy · 05/08/2014 12:53

I am glad he was able to speak to you.
If you don't get the right help from the GP the mental health service probably has a drop in facility (they do here) or you could try to encourage him to speak to the duty officer on the phone, you could phone them yourself but not sure how they would respond.
This does sound serious and very worrying for you.
A fine balance between keeping his trust and ensuring his safety.

MrsBoldon · 05/08/2014 12:57

I'm a MH nurse - he doesn't need to be known to the Crisis Team. Google them for your area and call them.

HauntedNoddyCar · 05/08/2014 12:58

I wonder if you could ask on the MH board of anyone knows the number for the community psychiatric team in your area and speak to them.

BadLad · 05/08/2014 13:00

I have a relative with similar problems, to the point that she often phones up and cancel her own GP, therapist and psychiatrist appointments. Her husband is distraught, and has no idea what he can do, besides encouraging her to go to them. She usually sleeps until 8pm, then gets up and eats her only meal of the day, which he cooks. She rarely showers. Sometimes she has good days, and can be persuaded to go out, get some fresh air and exercise, but these are rare.

She has been reducing her medication (by herself, not with doctors' recommendation) because she didn't like the side-effects. Her husband is excellent, but he can't make her take her medicine, or go to her appointments. He's at his wits end looking after her - this is now a year-long affliction.

Sorry to hijack, but he won't discuss it with his close relatives, because she doesn't want him to, and he thinks it's important for her not to lose her trust in him.

Any helpful comments / advice would be gratefully received.