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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice you'd love to give to people but can't.

84 replies

MrsWinnibago · 04/08/2014 01:24

My neighbour is a lovely young woman in her mid-20s. She has one baby DD and an ex DP who is on-off-on-off with her.

He lives in his own house not far away and dips in and out of her life...he pops up more often when she has money. Angry

She's beautiful and would be able to meet a much nicer man but she continues to hope that he will get it together and move in with her. She doesn't see that he's shite and never visits their DD regularly or contributes. I want to tell her to go out a bit more...meet some nice man who will be more committed.

But you can't can you? What advice do you have for people in your life that you just can't give?

OP posts:
YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 04/08/2014 17:26

Shut the fuck up about how fabulous you and your mates are. I don't want to know.

And yes to the bra. I wonder if we are all thinking of the same person!

Hamuketsu · 04/08/2014 17:44

K - There's no point being resentful of someone else's success when you aren't prepared to make the effort that it takes to do the same thing. That person worked her arse off for years to be where she is, and continues to work hard, while you spend all your time moaning that you don't have the same. The annoying thing is that you could. There is nothing stopping you, and you actually have more natural talent than she does. But you won't do anything apart from complain.

J - You do too much for your extended family, who are only taking advantage of you. You've just been given a great chance in a particular area you've been interested in for years, and I'm worried you won't take it because you're too busy running after extended family.

J (different one) - I understand that you think you failed your daughter by not giving her enough attention, and that this caused her behaviour as a teenager. I don't actually agree - you were left by a bastard and had to put food on the table. But even if it was true, that doesn't mean you have to put your entire life on hold now she's an adult, and forget all your dreams and plans, to be at her beck and call.

M&M - That dog is going to get run over. Keep a better eye on him.

FixItUpChappie · 04/08/2014 17:46

I would love to sit my friend down and advise her that allowing her young daughters to watch endless music videos (since they were born), encouraging them to have "boyfriends" (since they were born), joking about them "pole dancing" when they are swinging around the bus stop post, laughing when your 4yr old tries to french kiss my 3 year old....this is not cool mummy territory and I believe you will regret it.

Lally112 · 04/08/2014 17:52

I know a few people who constantly fuss and mither over their 17 and 18 year olds worse than I do with my 7 and 10 year olds whether its doing all their stuff for them or giving them endless amounts of money. I want to tell them theyre fucking adults!!!! I was married with a house and a kid at that age!!!

LynetteScavo · 04/08/2014 17:52

I got so Angry recently I actually came out and told a friend their DP is an abusive twat who sponges of her (I think the term cock lodger was invented for him), and as she is so pretty, and intelligent with a good career she deserves, and could find, someone so much better. She doesn't believe she could find someone better, and so continues to put up with his dreadful behaviour. It's now a bit awkward between us.

I'd like to tell someone if she always ferries her teenagers everywhere by car when they could walk or ride their bike, and lets them eat crap, she shouldn't be surprised they are over weight.

Matildathecat · 04/08/2014 18:00

Tight black leggings are not slimming. Unless you are slim.

It's fucking rude to not thank people for massive favours or birthday / Christmas presents, even if they are family.

You've told me this story a hundred times already.

magicmeaway · 04/08/2014 18:13

Would love to tell SIL that the reason her 3 yr old DD is obese is not because of some medical issue - it's because of her appalling diet - Really am amazed SIL can't see this

I was in SIL's house for the day recently and the little girl spent the day helping herself to ice cream and crisps etc --ALL DAY!!!

Breakfast is some choclate cereal!!! She did eat a bit of a dinner - bolognese which was white pasta with mince & sauce - No vegetables. They always have a fizzy drink with dinner. This is a typical day.

I was dumbfounded when SIL told me she has booked the girl to see a dietician - SIL seems to think the girl's diet is pretty good and there must be some reason why she's putting on the weight. I can't say anything because I think SIL would be very offended

Their whole family is overnight - but the 3 yr old is the most obese

TrendStopper · 04/08/2014 18:47

dear friend - please dump your boyfriend. Stick at your job. Love the kids that you have and don't think about the future kids that you want because you can't afford to have them. Please go back to the fantastic person that you were before you met your boyfriend.

dear other friend - please stop making excuses for your sons rude behaviour. He isn't rude because he is tired. He is rude because he knows that he can get away with it.

dear self - please stop worrying about everyone else and put yourself first for once.

hiddenhome · 04/08/2014 19:07

Everyone: Stop running to the doctors for anything and everything. Educate yourself in self care for routine health issues which are easily treatable.

ApocalypseNowt · 04/08/2014 19:20

B - the 'one time' your oh cheated on you wasn't just one time with that person. and there are several others. Also i haven't bullied your oh in the slightest but she has gone miles out of her way to be cruel to me. And then lied about it. And then slagged me off to you and all our friends. And then lied about that. But hey,,,,you married it. Enjoy.

DaisyFlowerChain · 04/08/2014 19:44

Stop whining that you have to do the housework and, god forbid, look after your own children when you send your poor DH out to work all hours because getting a job is soooo beneath you.

Leggings don't look good on 99% of people! teeming them with a face load of makeup is not the model look you were trying to achieve on the school run.

PigeonPie · 05/08/2014 09:20

Sis, stop talking about your ailments on FaceBook - it's unseemly and unnecessary. Anyone who needs to know already does and it doesn't make you look like a martyr when you 'carry on' it just makes you look rather pathetic.

We know that you have been ill, but there's no need to broadcast it to everyone.

TheHorseHasBolted · 05/08/2014 10:07

To my work friend. Please stop saying yes to everything anybody asks you to do. Let somebody do something for YOU for a change. You felt guilty when someone did a favour for you but actually, when you think of all the unpaid childcare you have done for them, you more than deserved it. You have been through a difficult time recently, and although you are not really old, you are old enough that it would be perfectly justified for you to ask for a rest. Why not go away somewhere on your own for a few days, do something you really love doing, and if you can't even remember what you love doing, experiment until you find it! They would all survive without you - after all, they would have to if you made yourself ill running around after them.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 05/08/2014 10:18

I really wanted to tet the woman in the camping shop yesterday to stop fucking screaming 'get here NOW' at her kids.

They were excited to be in the shop and just wanted to try out the camping chairs and stand in a tent or two.

Her bellowing non stop was much more annoying than hearing her lovely kids giggling at hiding in a tent would have been.

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 10:22

Please leave him. Your depression is because you are on edge all the time. You cannot make him into a different happier person. You can do it on your own. The children will become better behaved with consistency and a calm atmosphere. You know this.

askyfullofstars · 05/08/2014 10:23

Your boyfriend and his girlfriend do not deserve to be cheated on. If you think your relationship is going nowhere then break it off with your BF, it is not fair to him to keep believing he is in a good relationship while you are moaning and shagging some other man behind his back.
The man you are sleeping with has moved to the other side of the country to be closer to his girlfriend. That is a pretty clear message. If he really wanted to be with you he would’ve made that happen by now, he has had plenty of opportunity. Get a grip, grow up and sort your life out. You are an adult, having a boyfriend is no longer the most important thing in life.

And breathe.

Oh and colleagues in the other office, I heard you bitching about me whilst standing outside your office the other day, what you said was cruel, hurtful and massively unprofessional, grow up FGS

DizzyKipper · 05/08/2014 11:23

SILs, stop complaining about how none of your friends have any more time for you now that you've had children. Sure ok you did it once to get it out your system, maybe twice, but it has been several years now and you're still complaining about the same old thing. This isn't going to make those friends want to spend time with you. Move on and get on with your lives.

Lottapianos · 05/08/2014 11:33

L (colleague) - for the love of all that's holy, please learn to say no. You martyr yourself constantly and are so overworked that you can barely hold a conversation. Its hacking me off. And I do have a home to go to at 5pm even if you don't, so I don't want to spend an hour or more faffing around with crap at the end of the working day. And stop behaving like a doormat - some members of our team are walking all over you and it's just ridiculous.

P (colleague) - you work 3 days a week, so stop trying to fit 5 days worth of work into it. It means you are not up to date with anything, forever chasing your tail, and its very annoying. See above advice about learning to say no.

F (friend) - why oh why did you have to marry that awful wanker, who you yourself described as 'chauvinistic' and who doesn't seem to think you should have any negative feelings now you're a 'wife and mother'? Why do you defer to him in almost all things? It's not 1950, you are not a Mad Men character. You are turning into a big wet lettuce, just like your mother, and look how well her marriage has turned out. And stop with the polite silence when I'm sounding off about my parents - you know what utter bastards they have been to me. I need you to get stuck in and empathise with me, not act like smug mummy. I know that things will get better between us but you're irritating the hell out of me right now.

That was sad but quite therapeutic Sad

TheWordFactory · 05/08/2014 11:43
  • I think you should give this up and do something more useful with your life. I admire your tenacity but I really do think it's time to call it a day.
  • stop spending so much time moaning about how little money you have. You have far more than most and if you really want it, get a job!
  • enough with the botox. You look scared.
NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 12:42

lol at "enough with the botox. You look scared"

PoirotsMoustache · 05/08/2014 13:25

C - I love you so much. If I could go back in time I would advise you not to marry him. He's a nice man and we all like him, but you definitely settled for him. You deserve happiness and contentment, not just a lack of problems and an ok life. Also, your daughter is beautiful and you are a great mum, but please let her be her age and do things in her own time - the books aren't always right and children can't be brought up strictly by them.

Fifilosttheplot · 05/08/2014 13:36

To all the friends, family and step children who totally ignored or couldnt be arsed with wishing me even happy birthday on my 40th, yes it did hurt it hurt like hell, yes it does matter, yes I feel like a total pariah

Am I going to show you all I'm upset? Am I hell. Will I forget it when you all phone up and want something from me, you bet I wont!

And breathe

tweetypot · 05/08/2014 13:48

To several different people Grin

Stop wearing all-black to work, to nights out, to weddings. You don't look chic and serious, you just look older and miserable.

Re-think your laugh. It is honking and screechy at the same time and totally puts people off. Oh and get over yourself.

You don't have to tell me you LUUURVE me at the end of every daily phone call and then pause expectantly, waiting for me to say it back. I know you do and it makes you sound needy. I'd rather wait to say it when I'm feeling sentimental.

Stop talking about yourself all the time and listen to what people are saying. You might even understand the help you keep crying out for. Also stop rambling, it's boring. You are a lovely person but I want a go at talking too!

Publishing your entire relationship on Facebook is never a good idea. I know far too much about your fertility problems considering I haven't actually talked you to face-to-face for 20 years.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/08/2014 14:14

I wish lots of former 'friends' would fucking grow up and admit the reason we've 'drifted apart' is because I'm less fun now I'm severely disabled.

Admit you're too selfish to be there for me and that you dont like being around disabled people because they make you feel uncomfortable. Don't be so self deluded that you pretend you're nice or kind in any way.

I pretend it's ok and that I'm fine, but I'm not and you hurt me everyday with the way you think I'm not worth anything now I'm not physically perfect.

treaclesoda · 05/08/2014 14:34

I'd love to tell so many people to stop being so self centred and taking everything personally. Sometimes people make miatakes - if it's a one off, and not something utterly hideous, and there is no malice behind it, is it not better for everyone to allow for mistakes and move on? Instead of making massive efforts to blank people, but them out etc.

Conversely I would also love to tell some people to stop allowing themselves to be used. That friend who wants to moan about her own problems but belittles anything you're worried about? She's not interested in you, only in herself.