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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice you'd love to give to people but can't.

84 replies

MrsWinnibago · 04/08/2014 01:24

My neighbour is a lovely young woman in her mid-20s. She has one baby DD and an ex DP who is on-off-on-off with her.

He lives in his own house not far away and dips in and out of her life...he pops up more often when she has money. Angry

She's beautiful and would be able to meet a much nicer man but she continues to hope that he will get it together and move in with her. She doesn't see that he's shite and never visits their DD regularly or contributes. I want to tell her to go out a bit more...meet some nice man who will be more committed.

But you can't can you? What advice do you have for people in your life that you just can't give?

OP posts:
CornChips · 04/08/2014 09:38

I currently want to tell someone that when I have offered to do her a favour she should stop texting and facebooking me to tell me her guidelines for how and when it ought to be done, and to say 'if you don't get it right you'll have to do it again' when actually I am going quite significantly and substantially out of my way.

and breathe.

MaryWestmacott · 04/08/2014 09:47

oh advice I'd like to give to a lovely friend:
You won't lose weight by just talking about it and swapping to diet coke!

I'll nod and smile and make sympathetic noises because you don't actually want to do anything about it yet so it'll come across being smug to point out that we live the same distance from the toddler group but I walked and you drove, as you do drive everywhere, and that once you've had 2 DCs and are mid 30s you can't just eat whatever you want and be a size 8, just because you could at 18 doesn't mean it works that way at our age.

But you really do know this, you don't want to make the changes because you like your life just as it is, you don't like the way your body looks, but that's not enough of a problem to make the rest of your life harder/not as much fun.

(It's hard sometimes to realise that people complaining about a problem really really don't want advise and aren't interesting in fixing it, they want to be given the opportunity to complain about it for a bit before carrying on as normal)

aJumpedUpPantryBoy · 04/08/2014 09:56

Go and get yourself measured for a decent bra, you'll be amazed at the difference. Yes, I know they're big but having them droop to waist height isn't a good look.
And yes, under wired will hurt at first but persevere at it'll be worth it.

Whereisegg · 04/08/2014 10:12

I really want to tell my friend that by giving in constantly to her youngest won't help the tantrums (she's 6), and in fact is making them so much worse.
She will often tell the older dc off for daring to try and play with their own stuff if the youngest wants it, and the look on their faces breaks my heart.

I have them to play a fair bit, and any nonsense here and I'm firm but fair and she responds really well and quickly, so I know she's able to share and understand.

Youngest dc has told her dm that I've hit her once or twice early on when she didn't get her way but as we were all (all dc not the dm) in the same room I gently called her on it and that has stopped.

It just upsets me as sge is a lovely girl mostly, but is being given a huge amount of power in the family just so that she won't scream.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 04/08/2014 10:15

Lady in the red lycra dress -the front looks lovely, but if you could see yourself from the back, you wouldn't wear that.

Coffee and cigarettes make your breath smell like actual faeces, please suck a mint.

Deodorant is not a substitute for a shower.

saintlyjimjams · 04/08/2014 10:16

Ooh yours sounds interesting cornchips - can you not tell her to get stuffed?

SaucyJack · 04/08/2014 10:37

Well if we're making bitchy personal remarks......

Mum at school. None of us like getting older or fatter, and I get that you don't want to dress like a middle aged frump just because you're in your 40s and a mother to 5. But seriously- doing the school run in denim hotpants and fishnets ain't a good look on you sweetheart.

CombineBananaFister · 04/08/2014 10:38

I would to tell the first-time parents of newborns that I see with the perpetually sleep-deprived look that it will pass.

Or the women with the tantrumming toddler in the supermarket that we've all been there and it doesn't make her a bad parent and to ignore the judgy hens-arse faced fuckers who seem to have forgotten what it's like or must have been perfect Hmm parents

But I don't want them to think I'm being patronizing - just wished someone would have said it to me Grin

I would also tell my brother that he isn't being spontaneous, actually he's just reckless and selfish.

That my 'friend' isn't just being 'honest and giving advice' she is actually being rude, insensitive and boorish.

That was cathartic Grin

CombineBananaFister · 04/08/2014 10:39

I seem to have forgotten commas in my anger hehe, apologies.

justmyview · 04/08/2014 10:47

Advice I'd like to give to various friends, even though it wouldn't go down well -

"If you keep giving in to your son's tantrums, he'll continue to be a spoilt little ....."

"No wonder your DD doesn't sleep, when you won't leave her in peace to settle down & keep over-stimulating her at bed time"

"If you kept to arrangements that have been made instead of cancelling / mucking me around every time we arrange to meet, our friendship would be stronger"

Andanotherthing123 · 04/08/2014 10:53

I'd like to advise my 6 month old that he'll have to learn to take a bottle of milk if he continues to bite his shiny new bottom teeth into my nipple while he's bf.

And to go back to yesterday to advise myself not to buy the mini daim bars from ikea as I'd spend all day today scoffing them.

fun1nthesun · 04/08/2014 10:58

You misused your power to bully and go on a power trip. Yes you are pretending that you didn't say any of what you said, but you did. My kids came home from school asking me why people were saying terrible things about their mum. Despite seeing the proof that you were lying you continued to bully me and them, at the same time as professing to love kids. Shame on you!

CornChips · 04/08/2014 11:28

I am currently so annoyed saintly that I just might

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 04/08/2014 16:26

DM - please be nicer to SD. He's supported you for years, you chose not to work because you didn't want to, and he didn't complain. Now he's got a terminal illness, please can't you try not to look so irritated with him, and stop rolling your eyes every time he speaks?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 04/08/2014 16:30

Dil to be. Don't marry my son, you are much nicer than him and deserve better.

notfromstepford · 04/08/2014 16:49

CombineBananaFister

Or the women with the tantrumming toddler in the supermarket that we've all been there and it doesn't make her a bad parent

Oh Combine - I wish you would say it to people, I for one would have been very grateful the other day but probably would have broken down sobbing with relief that I wasn't on my own! Smile

Picklesauage · 04/08/2014 16:54

He's just not ready to potty train! Give it up for a while. You have been miserable and semi housebound for 3 weeks and spend a good part of every day doing laundry and scrubbing carpet. It's not worth it. And I am sure there are nappies out there big enough he is only 2.8!

YouTheCat · 04/08/2014 16:58

I'd love to advise some neighbours to rehome their dog. It's not fair it never gets walked and serves them right they left it home while they went on holiday (I presume they had someone come in to feed it) and it has destroyed their furniture, totally.

Actually I'd like to advise them to rehome their poor cat as well as it just gets left out all the time and seems to get fed by everyone other than its owners.

Smilesandpiles · 04/08/2014 17:00

Leave her and be on your own for a while. You are not happy and too scared to be on your own...you can't carry on like this it's slowly killing you.

startwig1982 · 04/08/2014 17:03

Don't get another flipping cat. Two is enough and you live next to a very busy road. Considering your last two were both killed in the same week you're being irresponsible.

SouthernComforts · 04/08/2014 17:04

Ex dp's girlfriend - stop being so insecure, I don't want him. Lurking outside my house during pick ups and drop offs when you only live a few streets away is so very sad. And stop trying to come between ex and dd, he does love you, but he won't pick you.

Willyoulistentome · 04/08/2014 17:12

Dear bro. You seriously need to change your career. You may be minted, but nobody can actually really need that amount of money. You are never available to your sons - even when you are with them. No wonder your marriage fell apart.

Get off your fucking blackberry and "look up" as before you know it your boys will stop wanting to spend time with you you'll have missed their childhoods. Buying them an ipad each doesn't make up for it. Can't you see they are off the wall?
I'd love to tell you this, but we never get to have an actual conversation any more.
... and I love you anyway.

littlemslazybones · 04/08/2014 17:15

Maybe if you spent less time bitching about other people, especially they way that they look and dress, you would spend less time and energy worrying that other people are bitching about you, especially the way that you look and dress.

LiberalLibertines · 04/08/2014 17:15

Dear brother,I know you feel that since you can't have kids your health doesn't matter, but that's a fucking selfish attitude when so many of us love you so much.

My children need you, as do I, our dm, your wonderful gf, all our friends.

Please please slow down your drinking.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 04/08/2014 17:23
  • MaryWestmacott Mon 04-Aug-14 09:47:58 Grin