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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daddy's night feeds dilemma

69 replies

MiniMozartFan1 · 03/08/2014 08:08

We are new parents (2 weeks) & hubby is a wonderful father in every way - feeds, nappy changes, reading about & monitoring behaviour.

The only thing that has worried me concerned last night's 'night shift' by dad. I went to bed at 1 pm & overslept by 2 hours. I came down @ 6am to find baby fine - clean & peacefully sleeping :) - but hubby was slurring his words, had not eaten his supper & and almost empty bottle of wine in fridge. He had also had 4 cans of beer in the evening earlier but was sober when I went to bed earlier.

He is a kind & attentive father but the thought that he was 'pickled' & in charge of the baby really frightened me. Horrible scenarios ran though my mind - supposing he was carrying baby down the stairs & tripped, or dropped the baby, etc. I sent him to bed with his sausage sandwich supper (which he had burnt - another worrying sign) & I have just had my breakfast in tears - scared at what might have happened.

Can I stress that he drinks only moderately once or twice mid week - so he does not have a drink problem. My father was an alcoholic so I know what a problem drinker looks & behaves like.
My thoughts are just to have a gentle chat to say I was worried & I would appreciate it if he does not have wine that does not agree with him as he is a fantastic dad.

Am I overreacting? Or would any of you be upset if your husband/partner had been drinking on the job. I know I am hormonal at the mo & I could be over sensitive about drinking because of my father. There is also a history of clinical depression in the females in my family. even though I am full of happy, loved up mummy hormones, I have moments of tiredness & tearfulness so I am conscious that the 'black dog' could get me too at this time.

So a call out to you experienced mums. How would your conversation with your husband/partner go? Are my worries justified or am I being too anal & lacking objectivity?

OP posts:
Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 03/08/2014 08:09

YANBU I'd go apeshit

Fairylea · 03/08/2014 08:11

How can he be any kind of good or responsible father if he's drinking 4 cans of beer whilst responsible for a 2 week old baby at night?!

AllThatGlistens · 03/08/2014 08:20
Shock

I'd have flipped. It's unbelievably irresponsible! Sleep deprivation is awful, and you simply do not add alcohol into the equation. I'd be having very, very strong words with him at the least.

FreeSpirit89 · 03/08/2014 08:21

YANBU - I'd have blown! It's by sheer luck nothing bad happened this time!!! Next time may not be so lucky.

A gentle chat. Won't do much, I would tell him straight. You drink again while being in charge of DC it's finished

MrsCumbersnatch · 03/08/2014 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThistleDoMeNicely · 03/08/2014 08:28

I'm a bit confused by the timeline to be honest. What do you mean by nightshift? Does someone stay up with the baby all night? Confused

Do you mean you went to bed at 1am, not 1pm?

Sorry I'm just not really following this at all.

hollie84 · 03/08/2014 08:28

A couple of drinks, fine. But a whole bottle of wine and slurring his words is far to drunk to care for a baby. What if he had fallen asleep on the sofa with the baby? Children die that way.

ThistleDoMeNicely · 03/08/2014 08:28

Oh and FWIW I don't think there is anything wrong with having a few drinks but it sounds like he went overboard here.

macdoodle · 03/08/2014 08:38

I think you're bigging him up a LOT trying to make him sound good, moderate drinking 1-2 mid week IS problem drinking and not acceptable with a small baby.
The biggest contributary factor in sids is alcohol. Are you happy with that?

Lormiccro · 03/08/2014 08:42

Drinking on the job as it were, is not acceptable in any circumstance. Discussing your concerns with your DH in a calm and controlled manor is a must (I have never understood why spouses feel the need to scream & yell at each other or issue ultimatums. It's about working together not against each other)! I too am confused at why someone should be up watching the baby all night. Put the baby to bed & both go to bed yourselves, get up feed, change baby as an when required during the night. Watching a baby all night won't prevent cot death if that's the reason behind staying up to watch all night. And if your that concerned invest in a baby monitor that has the pad that fits under the mattress that will alert you should there be a change in babies breathing. Having a baby is one of the most wonderful, frightening & confusing times of your life, but for the sake of your baby, DH & you start to put a bit of normality back in your life. Babies really do thrive on boring old normal.

Tryharder · 03/08/2014 08:56

Agree 100% that drinking whilst in charge of a baby is a no-no and you need to get this across to your DH.

But the concept of having shifts to look after your baby is a bit er..strange, sorry.

Your baby should go to bed at the same time you do. Obviously she will wake several times or more for feeds and you can divvy those up as you feel appropriate but certainly I wouldn't expect anyone least of all myself to sit up all night watching over a sleeping baby.

ithoughtofitfirst · 03/08/2014 08:58

Agree with pp I would have gone apeshit

hollie84 · 03/08/2014 08:58

I would assume the person doing the "night shift" is just kipping downstairs on the sofa with the baby in a basket so they can do bottle feeds without waking the person upstairs? Sounds sensible to me.

CarmineRose1978 · 03/08/2014 09:00

macdoodle, doesn't that study just refer to co-sleeping? I don't think that was mentioned in the OP. Obviously it's a terrible idea to get drunk while in charge of a baby, but I think you're muddying the waters a bit here.

OP, can you clarify the time line? Is one of you awake with the baby all the time?

louisejxxx · 03/08/2014 09:00

Tryharder - I'm pretty sure op wasn't asking for advice on how they are organising their schedule.

louisejxxx · 03/08/2014 09:00

Tryharder - I'm pretty sure op wasn't asking for advice on how they are organising their schedule.

firesidechat · 03/08/2014 09:01

Like Thistle I'm a bit confused about the timings and how you organise baby duty. Don't you both go to bed together at night?

Obviously drinking too much with a baby is not on at all.

angelohsodelight · 03/08/2014 09:02

He's looking after baby having drunk 4 cans and almost 1 bottle of wine? What a twat. Absolute idiot. I would be ballistic.

jacks365 · 03/08/2014 09:02

overslept by 2 hours. I came down @ 6am

This would suggest that yes someone is staying awake otherwise why would you switch at 4am?

It sounds like you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourselves. You need to relax the sleeping but no he shouldn't be drinking like that.

CadleCrap · 03/08/2014 09:06

You over slept by 2 hours and got up at 6am?

Yes the drinking is bad but you need to sort the night time routine out.

Congratulations btw Thanks

macdoodle · 03/08/2014 09:06

If he's up with the baby for whatever daft reason, the risk of falling asleep on the sofa with the baby and the baby dying, after drinking that amount of alcohol, is significantly increased. I have seen far too many if these to be blase. I think the OP is being far too calm and not botherd by it. They seem crazy enough to have someone up with the baby? But it's ok for that person to have drunk a significant amount of alcohol and for that to be ok, mind boggles .
I will step away now as this thread is very disturbing to me.

thornrose · 03/08/2014 09:09

The burnt supper bothers me too. I presume he was cooking while pissed and in charge of a newborn! Doesn't bear thinking about.

Still slurring at 6am means he was drinking all through the night presumably?

Cherriesandapples · 03/08/2014 09:10

A adult in charge of a baby should not be drinking at all! What on earth is wrong with our culture that somehow it has become okay to be drunk in charge of a small baby!

Your wonderful husband could have fallen asleep on the sofa with your baby and killed him. This is what you need to say!

If he isn't responsible then you have to be! My husband never did a night feed ever! ( Breastfeeding / husband works away)

Cherriesandapples · 03/08/2014 09:12

I am not saying I'm wonderful but just that it can be done and unfortunately in your case may need to be done.