Daddy's night feeds dilemma

[MiniMozartFan1]

We are new parents (2 weeks) & hubby is a wonderful father in every way - feeds, nappy changes, reading about & monitoring behaviour.

The only thing that has worried me concerned last night's 'night shift' by dad. I went to bed at 1 pm & overslept by 2 hours. I came down @ 6am to find baby fine - clean & peacefully sleeping :) - but hubby was slurring his words, had not eaten his supper & and almost empty bottle of wine in fridge. He had also had 4 cans of beer in the evening earlier but was sober when I went to bed earlier.

He is a kind & attentive father but the thought that he was 'pickled' & in charge of the baby really frightened me. Horrible scenarios ran though my mind - supposing he was carrying baby down the stairs & tripped, or dropped the baby, etc. I sent him to bed with his sausage sandwich supper (which he had burnt - another worrying sign) & I have just had my breakfast in tears - scared at what might have happened.

Can I stress that he drinks only moderately once or twice mid week - so he does not have a drink problem. My father was an alcoholic so I know what a problem drinker looks & behaves like.
My thoughts are just to have a gentle chat to say I was worried & I would appreciate it if he does not have wine that does not agree with him as he is a fantastic dad.

Am I overreacting? Or would any of you be upset if your husband/partner had been drinking on the job. I know I am hormonal at the mo & I could be over sensitive about drinking because of my father. There is also a history of clinical depression in the females in my family. even though I am full of happy, loved up mummy hormones, I have moments of tiredness & tearfulness so I am conscious that the 'black dog' could get me too at this time.

So a call out to you experienced mums. How would your conversation with your husband/partner go? Are my worries justified or am I being too anal & lacking objectivity?

Yes I meant 1am. Did not proof read the message. Too tearful. Thank you for your kind reply.

And yes - he could have been drinking all night I am ashamed to say. Such an awful end to an otherwise happy first 2 weeks

I think being brought up around alcoholism has skewed your opinion a bit on what is a moderate amount of alcohol. One glass is moderate. 4 cans of beer and a whole bottle of wine is a huge amount.

I'm sorry this has happened OP and I hope your H can sort it out xx

Macdoogle - of course I am worried about it & not at all calm. I have taken on board all the advice given in this thread.

We started off doing the shifts too; there'd be someone constantly awake, even when the baby was sleeping. We thought it'd help us get better blocks of sleep, but we really did start sleeping better once we'd stopped doing shifts, so hopefully the change you're going to make to that will help :)

Try not to let it spoil the first few weeks. It goes so fast!

So you went to bed at 1am and were supposed to get up at 4am? And this is your block of sleep, and now you are going to sleep on a futon?

Yes that is what we have been doing - about half of the time since we came out of hospital a week ago Friday

Stop with the shifts, it makes no sense at all. Go to bed at a normal time and if the baby wakes up then so do you, no-one should be staying up at all with the baby.

Re the drinking, it sounds like he was slurring and pissed when you came down at 6am? Surely he, himself, must realise that is just not right? if not, then he does not get to look after the baby unless completely sober.

Actually I think shifts are a great idea if the baby is formula fed, that way each person could get a decent stretch uninterrupted - but definitely sleep and no drinking during your shift. He could do any feeds 7pm-1am, you could do 1am-7am.

I agree about going to bed at a normal time and then just feeding when necessary. Speak to your dh, he probably just didn't realise how much he'd drank, presumably over quite a long stretch of time. Depending on his reaction personally I wouldn't let this spoil these early weeks and just make sure he understands it can't ever happen again.

Oh OP you sound exhausted! Those first few weeks are so so hard. We operated a shift system too so dh would kip on the sofa with dd in the moses basket and give her expressed milk in bottles for the first half of the night and then we'd swap. Otherwise neither of us would have got any sleep! It's perfectly fine to do this for as long as you need to.
But it's very much not fine for him to have been drinking. You do need to discuss this very seriously with him and find out why on earth he thought this was acceptable. To be honest, i wouldn't say anything initially because i would expect him to start the discussion the moment he gets up. It sounds like he may have a problem if I'm honest. I would expect his immediate response to be one of shock at his own stupidity and an understanding (without you having to say it) that this is completely unacceptable and that he has created a situation where you may find it hard to trust him. He should explain to you why he did something so irresponsible and I would expect him to be horrified with himself. But I would expect all of this to come from him, not from you. If he doesn't know how bad this without being told then there is a serious problem.
As an aside, it'll all get easier, I promise. At first it feels like everything has been turned upside down and inside out. Those first few weeks are about survival and gradually everything will start to feel normal again. Is there anyone else who can help with the night shifts once he back at work? Assuming you rebuild the trust here, can he continue to do them? As long as he isn't driving or operating heavy machinery, he should still help at night.

You don't have to have someone constantly awake during the shifts- at least not if the baby is sleeping peacefully! But it can be helpful for one parent to sleep in the room with the baby while the other gets some uninterrupted sleep elsewhere. Otherwise either both parents get woken every couple of hours or else both are awake all night if you have a particularly squeaky baby. Those of you who are being unnecessarily judgemental about this arrangement have clearly forgotten what it's like to have a newborn.

I've got to question who would wake up at 1am and start drinking at that time. Seems so bizarre.

Bless you OP. I do really feel for you. Hope your talk with him went well and he understood your concerns.

Hope the chat went well - I do think it takes a while for dads to really think about how there life needs to change - mums have done it for 9 months prior to baby.
As you will need to sleep in the same room as baby until its 6 months maybe dp could go on the futon and you and baby in the room with the main bed.

Dear all
Thank you

Dear all. Thank you for the thoug

I don't think there is any need for somebody to be on constant duty. But I don't think it's a good idea for anybody in the house with a two week old baby to get very very drunk. You should re-think the whole schedule of the baby's care. What you're doing now isn't working.

Sleep when the baby sleeps during the day. Bugger the housework. DH can cook or do very easy or ready meals for a few weeks.

It does get better.

Good luck.