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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daddy's night feeds dilemma

69 replies

MiniMozartFan1 · 03/08/2014 08:08

We are new parents (2 weeks) & hubby is a wonderful father in every way - feeds, nappy changes, reading about & monitoring behaviour.

The only thing that has worried me concerned last night's 'night shift' by dad. I went to bed at 1 pm & overslept by 2 hours. I came down @ 6am to find baby fine - clean & peacefully sleeping :) - but hubby was slurring his words, had not eaten his supper & and almost empty bottle of wine in fridge. He had also had 4 cans of beer in the evening earlier but was sober when I went to bed earlier.

He is a kind & attentive father but the thought that he was 'pickled' & in charge of the baby really frightened me. Horrible scenarios ran though my mind - supposing he was carrying baby down the stairs & tripped, or dropped the baby, etc. I sent him to bed with his sausage sandwich supper (which he had burnt - another worrying sign) & I have just had my breakfast in tears - scared at what might have happened.

Can I stress that he drinks only moderately once or twice mid week - so he does not have a drink problem. My father was an alcoholic so I know what a problem drinker looks & behaves like.
My thoughts are just to have a gentle chat to say I was worried & I would appreciate it if he does not have wine that does not agree with him as he is a fantastic dad.

Am I overreacting? Or would any of you be upset if your husband/partner had been drinking on the job. I know I am hormonal at the mo & I could be over sensitive about drinking because of my father. There is also a history of clinical depression in the females in my family. even though I am full of happy, loved up mummy hormones, I have moments of tiredness & tearfulness so I am conscious that the 'black dog' could get me too at this time.

So a call out to you experienced mums. How would your conversation with your husband/partner go? Are my worries justified or am I being too anal & lacking objectivity?

OP posts:

firesidechat · 03/08/2014 09:13

I love a drink, but 4 cans seems quite a lot too without the wine.

I think it is relevant how they are organising their time when looking after the baby because a drunk father sleeping on the sofa while in charge of a baby does have problems associated with it. He wan't be making sensible decisions.

Pinkrose1 · 03/08/2014 09:13

No completely unacceptable to be drunk in charge of anything let alone a tiny baby. You need a nice calm but firm chat with him to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Did he feed and change baby at 2 am ish? Maybe he started the drinking once it was settled? Still not acceptable.

Do you sleep in the same room as the baby only take turns to get up for feeds when it cries? This is more normal than being on watch round the clock. I can understand with a newborn first baby though, it's very nerve wracking.

WienerDiva · 03/08/2014 09:13

I'm a little confused about "shifts", maybe you're not aware and unless there's a medical reason then forgive me, but one parent doesn't have to be awake at all times to look after the baby.

In relation to your AIBU question though, you'd have every right to turn into the she devil. Regardless as to what your arrangements are, it's not a good at all to drink when solely in charge of an infant.

firesidechat · 03/08/2014 09:15

We need more info Op.

Andcake · 03/08/2014 09:16

Very hard at 2 weeks to know he is a fantastic dad- drinking on the job is a no-no. Tiny babies are vulnerable and should not have someone drunk in charge of them! Have a word - we just made a rule that if we were having booze - one would stay sober ( so one drink) and that person would look after baby. We're still like that 2 years in mostly as we've had a few scares - don't think 2 drunk parents dealing with projectile vomiting would work
Have a word - mention some of the scary stats on SIDS but if you're not cosleeping he may reject those.
Fwiw DP drinks about once a week probably a bottle of wine and maybe a few beers but I always know I'm in charge alone then. He's the same although I tend to drink less regularly ds is 2 years old. Before kids we drank more - I think it takes men a bit longer to work out things have changed

ThistleDoMeNicely · 03/08/2014 09:20

"A adult in charge of a baby should not be drinking at all! What on earth is wrong with our culture that somehow it has become okay to be drunk in charge of a small baby!"

There is a difference between having a drink and being drunk y'know? Are you seriously saying that responsible adults shouldn't have a glass of wine with dinner or a couple of glasses one evening?

Marnierose · 03/08/2014 09:20

I think this does sound like a drink problem. He couldn't cope with this 'task' or stressful event without a drink. It's the need to drink to 'cope' that is a massive red flag here.

Jinglebells99 · 03/08/2014 09:23

He is not a wonderful father when he is drunk in charge of a baby. Your history with your own father may have blurred your thinking on alcoholism. To drink that much when you are responsible for a baby is wrong. I would not be having a quiet word at all. He could have killed your baby. You cannot trust him to look after the baby if he drinks.

ChangeIsNear · 03/08/2014 09:25

You need to speak to him. Maybe he didn't realise that he'd have to be actively looking after baby.

Catzeyess · 03/08/2014 09:40

That sounds like an awful lot to drink alone at night, especially in charge of a 2 week old baby. FWIW I would make it abundantly clear you expect him to remain sober/able to drive when in charge of baby, and if he ever does it again kick him out.

LaCerbiatta · 03/08/2014 09:40

What's wrong with people and alcohol?? How xan someone call 1 bottle of wine and 4 cans of beer moderate drinking???

macdoodle · 03/08/2014 09:43

I agree, it's scary how much people think is acceptable. I was a big drinker in my younger years, but now it's just me and the kids I limit to a glass few times a week. It is possible you know, and if not then it IS a problem

HowAboutNo · 03/08/2014 09:44

Wow. I have ripped off DH's head for a lot less in the pass few weeks (we have a 10 week old). I don't even care, he would've been kicked out for the night, there and then. How fucking irresponsible!

HowAboutNo · 03/08/2014 09:44

Past*

macdoodle · 03/08/2014 09:49

4 cans = 8 units
Bottle wine = 10 units

Current recommendations for men no more than 3-4 units a day a few times a week. He is drinking more than he should a week in one night (never mind the baby issues). He does have an alcohol problem.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/08/2014 09:49

I don't understand. Why didn't you just go to bed together and feed the baby when it woke up

That said he shouldn't be drunk on charge of a baby. Four cans and wine is excessive just to sit and drink at home for sake of it.

What's the point of him being up if he's likely to pass out and not hear baby anyway.

Put the basket next to your bed. Take some cartons and a sterilised bottle and leave them on your bed side table and have nappies and wipes to hand.

Unless he's on a monitor of some kind theres no need to sit and watch him all night

ShadowFall · 03/08/2014 09:57

I'd have been furious if DH had got drunk while in sole charge of our DC. Drunk people are less likely to make sensible decisions, they're less coordinated....

And as PP have pointed out, being drunk will significantly increase the risk of him falling asleep on the sofa while giving the baby night time feeds, which in turn increases SIDS risk. It's hard enough staying awake for night time feeds anyway without adding alcohol into the mix.

GrimTales · 03/08/2014 09:57

If you've been drinking - especially in those amounts - it's very easy to fall asleep accidentally. Falling asleep accidentally on a sofa with a young baby is a big risk factor for SIDS, never mind the additional risk factor if you co-sleep having consumed any alcohol.

Also your judgement is going to be pretty off - having had that much to drink would you necessarily notice if anything was wrong? Obviously it's unlikely but a sudden high temperature, breathing difficulties...anything?

thecageisfull · 03/08/2014 09:59

I don't understand the shift system or timings either but I guess he was supposed to be sleeping with the baby so the OP could get a decent block of sleep.

I would go apeshit I think. There is no point in him saying he will do the night feeds if he is going to be passed out drunk. If he can drink that much on an empty stomach and not be passed out drunk then he does have a drink problem. He may as well have just said 'I can't be fucked to look after the baby and I might smother him or burn the house down if you have the audacity to close your eyes.'

Fairylea · 03/08/2014 10:06

I get the night shift thing because dh and I did the same - I chose to formula feed for precisely that reason as I have medical problems that mean I need my sleep. I would go to bed from about 8 pm and leave dh with ds downstairs. Then dh would come to bed at about 1ish and bring ds with him and I'd take over. I couldn't sleep through ds waking up if he was next to us (unlike dh) so dh stayed downstairs with him so I could get a good block of sleep.

But as I said earlier the drinking is unacceptable.

Also just because your father was a different sort of alcoholic it doesn't mean your dp doesn't have a problem with drink. Drinking that much 2 or 3 times a week is a pretty big problem.

LinaDee · 03/08/2014 11:41

Your own reaction to what your DH has done should tell you everything you need to know.
Unless you deal with this head on, you will never be able to leave your dc with him and get the rest you need because you will worry and it will fester in your mind and affect your relationship.

Cherriesandapples · 03/08/2014 12:10

A two week old baby needs a sober competent adult. What about needing to take them to an out of hours GP?

MsAnthropic · 03/08/2014 12:38

Can I stress that he drinks only moderately once or twice mid week - so he does not have a drink problem. My father was an alcoholic so I know what a problem drinker looks & behaves like
YABU to think you know what a problem drinker looks and behaves like when you think that someone who drunk a bottle of wine and 4 cans does not have a drink problem.
YABU to call someone who has only been a father for two weeks and who has recklessly endangered the safety of a newborn 'a fantastic father'.

How would the conversation go? "You need help with drinking NOW and you will not be in sole care of our baby until such time as you are receiving help and understand the gravity of what happened?"

Original poster

MiniMozartFan1 · 03/08/2014 12:44

Thank you everyone. You are right. Will talk v firmly to hubby. & talk to him about drinking.
Caring in shifts will stop too. It was just a reaction to my extreme tiredness so I could get a block of sleep in & so we used the 2nd Moses basket downstairs.

Tomorrow - paternity leave ends & tomorrow night baby & I will be sleeping in the nursery (him in Moses baskets & me in single futon bed.

Once again, bless you for taking the time to read my message & reply with such thought & wisdom.

OP posts:

ThistleDoMeNicely · 03/08/2014 12:47

So presumably your husband had been sleeping till 1am got up when you went to bed and started drinking and continued all night? Is that correct?

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