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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is grabby?

78 replies

Cazm2 · 02/08/2014 22:12

SIL is expecting firstborn and having baby shower. This is being organised by two people there are near on 40 people coming!! People have been asking what presents to give and get organisers have been pointing people in direction of what SIL wants as she has already bought everything. Then SIL has provided a list if things she would like!!! Specifically clothes a sling etc she doesn't know what she is having so would rather give clothes once baby born do more gender specific, now been pointed in the direction of a certain shop which is selling clothing range with character that SIL has done the nursery in. AIBU in that you should be grateful for any presents you get and sometimes receiving duplicates of things is part and parcel of life when you have a baby. I had small shower and small gifts never gave a list or expected anything thoughts please?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 11:27

Love to celebrate and enjoy myself....however the shower which is described in the Op doesn't really sound great.

I went to my cousins years ago In the States....long long before I ever heard of them here....

It was fantastic....

But then I always loved trick and treating with her there....before it crossed the pond....

Flangeshrub · 03/08/2014 11:36

To Americans - is it not superstitious or even sensible to wait until baby is safely in the world before giving gifts? I know 5 people who have had late losses/still births/neonatal deaths and thankfully none had had a baby shower. How awful to have have that party, get everything for the baby, put the pics on Facebook and then have no baby at the end.

It just doesn't seem right. There is nothing about not celebrating. That comes when the baby is safely here!

MissDuke · 03/08/2014 11:45

I am not sure it is grabby as people were asking her what she wants? Depends really I guess - she could just give an idea rather than listing precise items. Most people love choosing presents for babies themselves rather than having to stick to an exact list.

If it annoyed me so much, I just wouldn't go.

BumpNGrind · 03/08/2014 11:50

I don't really see the huge problem with the SIL in the OP though if I'm honest. She's got loads of people coming to a party, she has been asked by those people what she wants, she has expressed a preference when asked, and the organisers have passed that on. Nobody is standing by the door denying people access until they provide a Winnie the Pooh cot bumper set and there's no way of saying that the SIL wouldn't be extremely grateful for a small pack of bibs if that's what the OP wanted to buy.

It sounds more likely that the OP is a bit jealous because she had a 'small shower and small gifts'.

lettertoherms · 03/08/2014 11:55

Some don't for that reason, Flange, but I think generally the common thinking superstition wise may be the opposite - like you have all the things ready and sorted for baby so you've things are settled for them to come safely.

Practically, they're planned and thrown late in pregnancy when risks are minimal.

I don't have words for the horribleness of a late loss, and I can only imagine what having all the baby items in advance of that happening is like... but I think we don't look at is as more sensible to prepare for that outcome, as we see throwing the shower as expecting the joyous outcome of the new baby, and to not would be expecting/inviting the worst, if that makes sense?

BumpNGrind · 03/08/2014 12:34

Flange I would find it really offensive if someone told me that they didn't want to celebrate my pregnancy or be happy for me in case my baby was to die Confused

Late losses, still births and neonatal deaths are an absolute tragedy. To even think that they could be linked to having a little get together is taking superstitions way too far.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 12:38

40 plus people coming

Issued with a list from sil....

Op already stated she is helping with buying decorations and food.

The thought of issuing a list for a baby shower seems very cringey to me....and if I dare say it....grabby.

But then we are all different and thank The Lord for that Grin

PowderMum · 03/08/2014 12:48

OP YANBU, this sounds grabby to me. I've been to 2 baby showers, the first was a super organised tacky one with silly games and ott presents, I knew it would be in advance just like the wedding had been a few months before but it was family so I had to go to keep the peace.
The second was lovely, posh afternoon tea with only close friends and family including the mother and mil (12 of us). Everyone paid for their own reasonably priced tea and chipped in for the gift which was a baby hamper filled with the essentials such as toiletries, socks and vests. We spent a good few hours gossiping.

squishinglittlefatcheeks · 03/08/2014 13:17

I think YABU.

People have asked so she should be able to say what she wants, even if in your mind she is asking for something ridiculous.

Also if I was getting someone a gift I would much rather my money is well spent than my gift ending up given away or packed away because its not what they wanted

DinoSnores · 03/08/2014 16:25

"How awful to have have that party, get everything for the baby, put the pics on Facebook and then have no baby at the end."

Hmm

flange, while I didn't have a baby shower with DC2, what was awful about it was giving birth to a dead baby. I'm not sure having a baby shower would have made it any worse.

Being happy and excited about having baby doesn't make a miscarriage/late loss/neonatal death any more or less likely to happen.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 03/08/2014 18:32

Believe me I am not jealous I had no idea about my baby shower ot was a lovely surprise and I got beautiful gifts which I didn't issue a list for! I had some beautiful knitted blankets and lots of lovely things for me then when my dd born she was spoilt with gifts, only a few people have asked what she would like which I find strange it seems baby showers are now just about the presents and not much esle. I also find it cheeky to specify clothing from a specific range plus numbers have now gone up to 50 plus children it's turning into a whole new ball game. I wouldn't be paying towards if I was jealous

OP posts:
SmallBee · 03/08/2014 20:47

I still don't understand why it's cheeky that's she's specified a particular line of clothing she likes when she has been asked by people what she would like? Should she have lied?

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 21:00

I didn't think your Op sounded at all Jelous....your small gathering sounded nice and most of all....a suprise for you with just a few friends....

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 21:00

That would be jealous Confused

MummyBeerest · 03/08/2014 21:15

Canadian here, baby and bridal showers are indeed commonplace and expected here.

They can be tasteful or tacky-all depends really.

But as for gifts-in defense of your SIL, if people keep asking "What can we get you?" "Where can we get that?" The list indicating the store would surely be helpful. However, you don't need to get that item from that store. You can get something similar at another store.

If she scoffs at that, then yes, it's grabby.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 03/08/2014 21:21

Well certain things have been nose turned up at! I just think you shouldn't be pressured into buying a gift and then pressured to buying a specific gift, it's a choice I mean what will be left to buy once baby born

OP posts:
Original poster
Cazm2 · 03/08/2014 21:25

Well certain things have been nose turned up at! I just think you shouldn't be pressured into buying a gift and then pressured to buying a specific gift, it's a choice I mean what will be left to buy once baby born

OP posts:
MummyBeerest · 03/08/2014 21:31

If I were you, I'd get her the boring but practical stuff.

Washcloths, various painkillers, teething rings, nappies, thermometer, receiving blankets.

She'll be eternally grateful at many a 2 a.m.

Original poster
Cazm2 · 03/08/2014 21:41

Thanks mummy I think that's a good isea

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 21:44

Yes good idea....you can pile it up with the other 49 gift bags as you go in....Wink

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/08/2014 21:45

This is the only present I'd buy for a baby shower: www.sleepytot.com

It's bloody brilliant.

Preezie · 03/08/2014 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappySeaTurtles · 04/08/2014 01:58

Here in the US, registries are the norm, even Amazon wish lists for things like birthdays and holidays are common. I like them, I'm lazy and don't want to go through the effort of picking up hints I hate guessing what people want.

I'd rather buy a present someone likes, than waste money on something they secretly hate.

steff13 · 04/08/2014 02:16

I always thought the purpose of a shower was to buy gifts, "showering" the mom-to-be (or bride) with things they'll need to start their new lives. When I get an invitation, it typically contains a card from wherever the person has registered.

PenelopeLane · 04/08/2014 02:16

I just think a gift list in this situation is a sad opportunity lost in a way - when women, especially women with children give you gifts for your baby - I see it as them kind of 'sharing' their wisdom with you in the form of giving you things their kids really liked or they enjoyed having. The best gifts I got were things it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask for. I really enjoyed talking to all of the people who'd given me gifts about the gifts themselves as I found out interesting things about their own experiences as parents or as aunts.