To not be comfortable with this at all?

[Sleepswithbutterflies]

We've been trying for two years for a baby. Dh had sperm tests which showed high count but low motility and very low morphology (between 1 and 3%).
We've had two rounds of icsi ivf and both times the embryos have stopped developing on day 3. We've made it to transfer but the embryos I didn't have transferred dont make it much further so I conclude the ones I had put back don't either.

This apparently can be down to problems with the sperm and the clinic said that even the sperm selected for icsi have 'odd' features.

Dh now wants to try with donor sperm but only on the condition we never tell anyone, ever. Including any potential child.
I don't agree with this but dh won't even discuss it. He just says 'well we won't do it then and won't have a baby' he won't discuss it rationally at all.
I think it's wrong to not tell the theoretical child about where they can't from. I realise we probably won't even get that far (iui with donor sperm only has about 15% chance) but if we did...I'm not sure that's a 'secret' id want to keep.

AIBU?

Yanbu!

YANBU. I have two donor-conceived children btw.

It's just so shit.
I want a baby so badly but this is dh's 'condition' and he won't even discuss it any further and I don't think I can do it unless he reconsiders.

Im probably very much the wrong person to answer this but dont believe things like this should be kept secret. You dont need to broadcast it but those who need to know i.e the child should be told when of the appropriate age.

How would it appear on the birth certificate in a situation such as this?

Can't you see it from your husbands point? A donor child (though absolutely nothing wrong with that!) will not be his dna, maybe he's upset about this and doesn't want to be reminded of this by having to tell said child, or maybe he's worried he won't be treated as a father by others/the child might not see him as their father when they find out?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I don't think he is either. It's a difficult situation and I wish you both all the best x

If I were you I would agree to his condition if it's your only chance of getting pregnant. You have at least 10 years to talk him round to your pov. He would probably mellow and change his mind over time.

Im probably very much the wrong person to answer this but dont believe things like this should be kept secret. You dont need to broadcast it but those who need to know i.e the child should be told when of the appropriate age.

How would it appear on the birth certificate in a situation such as this?

I have no experience of this but general musings...

Isn't there a law now that waives the donors right to anonymity?

Also it's one of those things that(in the movies) has a habit of coming out at the most in opportune moment... When the child does a project on blood types or the parent needs a kidney

I can see where your husband is coming from but can't see how it would work, and feel it would be very unfair to keep it from a child only for them to find out when they were into their 70's or similar

I agree with your DH that you don't need to tell anybody - until the bit about keeping it from the child.

No one needs to know, but IMO the child does. So why not just tell him/her at an appropriate age?

It must be a very difficult situation though

You and dh will find lots of helpful information here:

www.dcnetwork.org

Good luck.

But if you tell the child then I think you do it early so it's not a shock...do you say to the child that they can't tell anyone? Like it's a big secret? Something to be ashamed of?
I've suggested we go abroad for donor embryos so the child wouldn't genetically be mine either but dh says no. He'd rather it was genetically mine so at least it might look like me.

I do understand it's hard of course I do. I wouldn't have a problem telling someone we used donor eggs though but maybe it's harder for a man because I would still carry the child.
My main consideration rightly it wrongly is from the view of any potential child and I just think secrets like this can destroy a family if they rear their heads later.

Legally dh would be on the birth certificate. The donor cannot contact the child - the child can contact the donor at 18 but the contact has to be initiated by the child.

I can understand his feelings but the child has to know because at some point something will crop up that will mean they find out and that could well be a shit storm that is never forgiven.

It was horrible having to make my dd aware that her "dad" wasn't biologically hers but even she says she is glad she always "knew" although she was really quite old before she understood. Not a donor sperm just an absent bio father!

Fwiw, experts advise telling the child.

It is a huge secret to keep, and inevitably, the truth will come out at some point, usually resulting in huge upset/breach of trust. Better that you / dh control the narrative from the outset, and be honest with the child from the start.

If you need to use a sperm donor then you should see a specialist counsellor before for what is known as implications counselling. A large element of this is who you tell, and at my unit we strongly encourage you to tell the child.
At the very least it is an opportunity to explore the issues and help your DH to see why it is a good idea and how it can be done carefully and sensitively.
If you are treated as a couple at a licensed centre his name is on the birth certificate.

I'm afraid I would be compelled to question whether DH is genuinely okay with the prospect of donor sperm. This isn't something you can do "a bit"; whether he likes it or not, the chances are extremely high the truth will have to come out one day.

There is a whole sea of issues raised here, and it's a really complex thing. Not even wanting to discuss it doesn't bode well I'm afraid.

Have you talked to any HCP about this option, beyond exploratory chats?

That might help freelance - or it might just make him say no altogether.
We are only just setting out but I feel I need this resolved. I don't even know how easy it is to get donor sperm! Are there huge waiting lists? If so I guess we could go on the list whilst we try and sort things out.

refusal to discuss never solved anything.

I agree - the truth will come out one day.

'daddy' is the person that brings you up and loves you. Sperm is just sperm.

It's dh that is pushing for the sperm donor.
It wasn't my suggestion.
The clinic haven't actually suggested it. They have said the embryos are slow and it could be due to sperm fragmentation especially given that even the most normal looking sperm have weird head features and given that the head carries the DNA it probably isn't great.

I think it's more how dh worries his friends and family would treat the child. They are pretty narrow minded. I think they would probably struggle to accept it to he honest.

I am willing to bet your dh's refusal to discuss, and his insistence that it be kept a secret, has to do with his feelings of guilt/shame/anger/something else about his 'inadequate' sperm.

It is nothing to be ashamed of. While I can appreciate you don't want to make public declarations to all and sundry, I think you/he will be amazed at how supportive those close to you will be.

Sleeps- availability varies with each clinic. We are buying ours in now from Europe so can't offer a huge choice but are nhs only.
If you are paying privately then it will not be an issue unless you have very specific requirements.

I'm 99% his parents (in their mid to late 70s) won't get it. I really don't think they would accept a donor child. However part of me thinks maybe we just wouldn't tell them - they aren't very well and if we introduced the idea to the child at about the age of 5 they might not be around anymore anyway.
Sorry, I know they sounds callous. I don't mean it to but this is forcing me to cross bridges that are pretty uncrossable.