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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be comfortable with this at all?

66 replies

Sleepswithbutterflies · 02/08/2014 20:29

We've been trying for two years for a baby. Dh had sperm tests which showed high count but low motility and very low morphology (between 1 and 3%).
We've had two rounds of icsi ivf and both times the embryos have stopped developing on day 3. We've made it to transfer but the embryos I didn't have transferred dont make it much further so I conclude the ones I had put back don't either.

This apparently can be down to problems with the sperm and the clinic said that even the sperm selected for icsi have 'odd' features.

Dh now wants to try with donor sperm but only on the condition we never tell anyone, ever. Including any potential child.
I don't agree with this but dh won't even discuss it. He just says 'well we won't do it then and won't have a baby' he won't discuss it rationally at all.
I think it's wrong to not tell the theoretical child about where they can't from. I realise we probably won't even get that far (iui with donor sperm only has about 15% chance) but if we did...I'm not sure that's a 'secret' id want to keep.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepswithbutterflies · 02/08/2014 22:41

Yes Cranfield - as I suspected it was unsuccessful.

I am worried that if we did manage to conceive with donor sperm dh wouldn't be able to cope and it would end our marriage.
In some ways id rather go for a donor blastocyst (although would have to go abroad) because then it eliminates the problem of the issue being both the egg and the sperm and I'm worried I will feel guilty if the child is genetically mine but not dh's.

We could go for iui donor sperm and have it not work and not be sure if the issue is the egg quality or just because you only have 15% chance anyway.
Why is that? I'd have thought it would have been about 20% like a natural conception is. Surely it shouldn't be lower if you are actually putting sperm near the egg at the right time?!

OP posts:
Floop · 02/08/2014 22:42

I'd tell nobody but the child I think.

Your husband is obviously very disappointed that it is 'his fault' you are struggling to conceive, and he is embarrassed of that.

I'd address his emotions first in this circumstance. Its obviously very hard for him, and he must feel like a failure.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/08/2014 22:46

Look, you just can't keep this secret from a child. It's horribly, awfully damaging and the child will find out one day and be devastated. They have an absolute right to know.
You also cannot agree now and hope to change DH mind later. This must be agreed before you go ahead. Trust me, XH and I hadn't discussed whether to have a middle name or not before having a baby and that discussion was traumatic enough, you cannot put this argument off until after a baby is here, you just can't.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/08/2014 22:48

You also can't really tell the child and nobody else, unless you tell them it's a secret which is a horrible thing to do, they are going to discuss it with people.

ItsjusthewayIseeit · 02/08/2014 23:22

I won't have children as I can't conceive naturally and won't adopt for similar reasons so I do sympathise with him.

Yanbu though Flowers

TraceyTrickster · 03/08/2014 05:39

The interesting thing is (as parent to a child conceived with donor sperm)...when we were going through IVF, pregnancy and newborn, this issue of using donor sperm seemed huge.

Now she is at school, we only get reminded of it when someone says 'oh DD is just like her dad'. Even she - who knows very clearly as a 6 yr old can- that someone else gave me the sperm that made her into a baby- says 'I'm just like dad'.

She knows how she was made, DH has no issues, and DD will never get a huge shock which will rock her world when she is teenager. It just is part of her- like her hair colour, her birthday, that she has cousins etc.

(Well it is the law to tell in Australia- but it made life SO much easier)

BomChickaMeowMeow · 03/08/2014 05:53

Could DH try and improve his sperm motility before you go down this route?

popperdoodles · 03/08/2014 07:43

I see no reason to tell everyone, he will be their father regardless of who's sperm it is
However I think the child should be told as part of explaining where babies come from. Until they are old enough to understand the biology of making a baby I think it would make no sense to them. I can remember being told about age 6 that daddy gave mummy a seed to go with her egg to make a baby. You can tell them the daddy's seed was poorly so we got some special seed from the hospital. No need to go on about it and no need to go into intimate details unless they ask.

burgatroyd · 03/08/2014 07:47

Good luck.

The only thing I can say is that if you keep it a secret it becomes this big thing when it can totally down played by being honest.

You don't need to advertise but the child should be told.

Original poster
Sleepswithbutterflies · 03/08/2014 09:27

We've tried vitamins / changing diet / more exercise / losing weight / no alcohol etc
Best it's ever been is morphology 3% and motility 18%. Mainly morphology has been 2%.
It's weird because no one in dh's family has ever had any problems and apparently these things are often inherited.

We need to go and discuss it with the clinic I think. If they are of the opinion that the eggs are shit too then we need to look at something else because even donor sperm won't help.

OP posts:
Catsize · 03/08/2014 10:13

OP, re:your question about IUI chances, with IUI the sperm doesn't live so long, and they have to insert fewer sperm as it is inserted above the cervix. Not sure whether it having been frozen makes a difference. When I had it - mid-30s, chances were 25%.

Original poster
Sleepswithbutterflies · 03/08/2014 10:17

All the statistics on the net day about 15% for under 35.
I'd be quite pleased with 25%!

OP posts:
Catsize · 03/08/2014 10:52

If you do go for it, make sure they have a scan facility to check where your egg is. A Clearblue test gave me a smiley face but I didn't ovulate for another three days. I could have had a very expensive treatment for nothing thanks to Clearblue. Perhaps that test was faulty.
Have a look at this...
diersklinik stats

We used this clinic and it was just perfect. Not at all 'clinical'.

Good luck OP!

aurynne · 03/08/2014 11:43

Your DH has recently learned that it is very likely he will never, ever have his own biological children. For some people this is not a big deal, for others it is devastating, and he may need some time to get used to the idea and adjust. When he has dealt with it in his own way and time, it is likely the idea of using donor sperm will not seem so daunting anymore.

Is there any chance you guys could take a holiday, even if it is just a long weekend away on your own, when the issue of infertility is not even mentioned at all? Guys do not cope with having to talk and discuss stuff as well as women do, and he may as well just need some time to clear his head.

naty1 · 03/08/2014 16:24

I think iui will also be lower because some people will havevit on the way to ivf so may have undiagnosed something else wrong. I expect it would be very high if only done to very fertile people
It just depends what the issue is

Lauren83 · 03/08/2014 23:20

I have just had donor egg ivf, my DPs first thought when we decided was to keep it to ourselves, I found out at 8 that my dad wasn't my bio dad although he brought me up from 6 month old, I found out by accident and it wasn't pleasent for anyone involved and since then I have felt quite strongly about honesty

The law changed so the child can apply at 16 and 18 for non Identifiable then indentifying info, I think this came about incase donor conceived siblings ever met and started a relationship

The law changed once I would worry the law could change and it would be impossible to keep it from them

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