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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder wtf?

80 replies

kappadelta · 01/08/2014 18:05

DH is in redundancy consultation. Everyone 'at risk' has to apply for new more senior roles.

18 months ago directly after returning to work after paternity leave DH was put on a 6 month appraisal.

After the 6 months he was offered the option to step down or be fired.He chose to step down and took a huge pay cut but seemed happier.

The Manager who orchestrated all this then destroyed all paperwork relating to the 6 month appraisal.

DH does not want to stay in the company. I've spoken to Acas and his union who state that he could have used the appraisal to support his inability to do this quite senior role and secure redundancy.

As there is no paper trail he can't actually do this and he's only just told me now.

So WTF is it just DH or do all men behave this way?

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 01/08/2014 18:10

That sounds incredibly frustrating, and your DH doesn't sound very proactive in progressing his own career.

But I find myself puzzled as to why you are wondering if "all men" would behave like that. Do you often decide that an entire class of people must tend to behave in a certain way based on the behaviour of one? Confused

Original poster
kappadelta · 01/08/2014 18:11

Annie - no just feeling frustrated. Needed some opinions and support Grin

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HaPPy8 · 01/08/2014 18:15

Im not sure about your last sentence to be honest. It sounds like your husband has been treated terribly and I feel sorry for him. I'd be looking to support him in finding a new role, not having a go at him. I realise you must both be very stressed as redundancy is a scary prospect.

Original poster
kappadelta · 01/08/2014 18:16

Happy - I have supported him. He's not very proactive in applying for positions so I've been running them by him and applying for them on his behalf.

He has an interview next week.

I just needed somewhere to vent that's all.Sad

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LilyandGinger · 01/08/2014 18:17

Why doesn't your DH have a copy of appraisal documentation? How is that possible?

Original poster
kappadelta · 01/08/2014 18:18

Lily - I have no idea, it's all just come out now. That's why I'm so frustrated.

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EarthWindFire · 01/08/2014 18:22

Why are you applying for positions on behalf of your DH? Why can't he do it himself?

Did your DH have performance issues as it seems strange that the option was demotion or to be fired?

YABU not all men are like this.

Original poster
kappadelta · 01/08/2014 18:22

Earth - He said he's not good at thins like that.

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Original poster
kappadelta · 01/08/2014 18:23

*things

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AnnieLobeseder · 01/08/2014 18:28

What an odd situation. You are completely infantising your DH and enabling him to be a lazy arse. Asking for help with job applications and CVs is one thing - my DH is foreign so always asks me to proofread for him. But to actually expect you to apply for jobs for him? No wonder his company thought they could screw him over, he seems to completely lack any initiative. On the other hand, are you sure he is telling the truth and not just saying there is no documentation to save him the effort of fighting for redundancy?

I think you have deeper problems than this situation with is employer. Has he been to a GP to discuss if he might have depression? It's just not normal to be so passive about your own life and future.

LilyandGinger · 01/08/2014 18:35

Hmmm it's a bit odd.

I hope the interview goes well.

Original poster
kappadelta · 01/08/2014 18:36

Annie - thanks for your input. It's food for thought.

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Optimist1 · 01/08/2014 18:45

Surely you're not suggesting that your husband will be offered one of the senior roles, given the past history? In which case he will be made redundant, which is what you seem to be hoping for? (Forgive me if I've got the wrong end of the stick.)

Original poster
kappadelta · 01/08/2014 18:50

Optimist - DH thinks he will be offered one of the more senior roles. He would like redundancy.

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Optimist1 · 01/08/2014 23:01

Sounds like a worrying time for you, OP. From my perspective, surely the manager who effectively demoted him before would look like an idiot if he chose to promote your husband again now?

(I sympathise as I went through similar scenario with my husband some years ago, and his reactions were much the same as you describe. It did not end well. Sad )

Scrumbled · 02/08/2014 00:44

Was a copy of his appraisal not sent to Hr?

Original poster
kappadelta · 02/08/2014 07:15

Scrumbled - no it wasn't.

Optimist - do you mind if I ask what happened?

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Optimist1 · 02/08/2014 08:09

It was probably silly of me to refer to our circumstances because I'm not offering anything positive, but since you ask... he was well-established in his position, but hadn't moved with the times, which didn't go down well with his more dynamic manager. I expect she viewed him as a bit of a plodder who needed to be dragged into current practice. Whilst he had a good track record for the core aspects of the role, he couldn't see the need for record-keeping, performance evaluations and so on.

It's probably relevant that this attitude was relevant in our home life, too - he would do/say the bare minimum whilst still functioning as a reasonable and unobjectionable partner.

The first I knew of any problem was when he announced that he couldn't bear working for the new manager and was handing in his notice. He planned to take on temp work in the same field. No discussion. It turns out that he'd had warnings and been given a plan for improvement which would include him being mentored for a period. He took exception to this, given his many years experience. He saw it as the new manager trying to get rid of him.

Whilst we could have weathered the financial impact of his resignation, the fact that he hadn't talked to me about the difficulties at work were symptomatic of a lack of communication between us about anything. Like you, I was the more practical of the two and implored him to talk to HR to help resolve the situation in a less radical way. I felt that given his good track record they would be able to offer him some alternative role that would suit his strengths, or at least offer a way forward. He refused, and handed in his notice.

As I say, his approach to the work situation was echoed in our relationship, so I'd been struggling to improve things between us without feeling that there was much effort on his part. We had got to the stage where I started planning a holiday on my own. He said he'd like to go to that place, too, so I agreed to us going together but that if he didn't talk to me during the trip it would be the last holiday we took together. He hardly spoke to me during the holiday. I'm just mentioning this to demonstrate that my situation was probably more entrenched than yours, kappadelta - hopefully you'll be in a position to keep the lines of communication open and pull him back. Whilst I understand posters who've criticised your input they can't imagine what it's like to be the practical, organised partner of someone who is a plodder.

SorryForTheTypos · 02/08/2014 08:47

I don't get the problem.

He was effectively demoted. Now he has to apply for a more senior role or be made redundant. He would prefer redundancy. Can't he just balls up the application/interview for the senior role or repeatedly state during the interview how much happier be has been in the more junior role?

This has happened in my company where VR has not been offered but competitive interviews have taken place - people have deliberately self-sabotaged.

Original poster
kappadelta · 02/08/2014 10:17

Optimist - thank you so much for your input. It actually brought tears to my eyes. DH is a plodder and there is definitely a communication problem.

I do have to be the practical one as at the end of the day there are children to think of and bills to pay.

He did plan on looking for a new job after he stepped down but never got round to it. As I was able to pick up the financial shortfall that's how it has stayedSad

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Original poster
kappadelta · 02/08/2014 10:18

Sorry - the problem was the lack of communication.

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Becca19962014 · 02/08/2014 10:37

Am I right thinking the six month appraisal referred the senior job or his current one? He then agreed to take a less senior role with less money instead of being fired at the appraisal meeting?

That doesn't make sense to me, nor does it make sense for the appraisal to have got totally lost. In order for him to be transferred to another post/have a pay cut someone has that paperwork, with him agreeing to doing it otherwise he couldn't have been transferred. He must have signed something to say it was okay to go to the less senior role and that would then link to the appraisal forms, they can't just go 'missing' and copies are always given to employees. I should add my experience of appraisals are in the public sector so maybe it works totally differently in the private sector, I did appraisals as an employee and a manager.

I'm also surprised his union spoke to you about this as well (though I've not worked for a long time and they may work differently now, it was up to the employee to contact them not their partners).

Original poster
kappadelta · 02/08/2014 10:54

Becca - I do have a 1 sheet letter which DH has signed confirming stepping down into the position he is in now.

The appraisal didn't get lost. It was destroyed by the manager who dealt with all this.

DH gave his union permission to discuss the matter with me.

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Becca19962014 · 02/08/2014 12:04

Okay, you need to go through that letter indepth with the union, unless it just does literally confirm his job changing. I wonder if it says why it changed for example? E.g. Does it refer to the appraisal? Who co signed it? You don't have to answer that here obviously! Just things to look at.

I meant to put lost in quotation marks. I don't see how a formal appraisal can be done, over six months, resulting in a job change without formal paper work being submitted to HR, from personal experience, again public sector, that would have been impossible to do. Any destruction of appraisal forms or interview transcripts would have been a really serious thing to do, and very easily traceable as there was paperwork to do regarding the appraisal in the first place.

I'm pleased unions changed their stance (Had issues with them about that).

Original poster
kappadelta · 02/08/2014 12:48

Becca - the form he signed is an amendment to terms and conditions form.

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