To wonder why some dads are so utterly rubbish and disinterested in their children?

[FET14]

To be clear, I'm not talking about complete and utter disinterest / abandonment, but more 'low level' disinterest and an expectation that minimal involvement in their children's lives suffices. This is where couples are (living) together too, not separated.

Examples:

• A mum who told me her husband would rather poke his eyes out than attend the birthday party of any toddler who's a 'friend' of our toddlers. Apparently he doesn't like babies and children, apart from his own. Mum and toddler attend any such parties without him. (Both parents and any siblings are invited along with the kids. Me and DH plan to go with our toddler. We don't know the other parents too well but like seeing our son interact with other kids.)

• A dad who is a season ticket holder at the local premier league football club and attends every home game plus after-game drinks and a fair amount of away games. He and his wife both work full-time so only have weekends as family time.

• A dad who won't allow his wife to organise a birthday party for his toddler that other little friends and parents are invited to because he doesn't want a fuss. His wife is very sociable with other mums, wants a party and is v disappointed.

• A dad who won't take his toddler to any baby activities by himself.

• A dad who has been on his own 4 day stag do abroad this year and will be going on another similar stag do of a friend later this year, leaving his wife and toddler home alone.

The disinterest seems surprisingly common and cuts across age, social class etc.

AIBU to think this attitude from dads is unreasonable? Either way, is it 'the norm'? Why do the women put up with it? Don't the dads care that they're missing out? Why are perfectly nice and normal women with such idiots?

What do you mean Fraidy? I'm not talking about "mother has to change more nappies because she is in sole care of the children for longer periods of time" but stuff like where there is a total split, mum never ever gets to opt out of anything she finds hard or unenjoyable whereas dad gets to opt out of whatever he doesn't really feel like.

Equal doesn't mean point scoring and exactly 50/50 and "well you had two nights out last month so I get exactly two this month", it's just a general sense of looking out for each other, trusting that the other person has your back, knowing they will step in if needed even if you have quite different looking main roles.

My season ticket holding friend probably did spend most of the earliest years missing Saturday afternoons with his toddler. But now all the boys in the family are season ticket holders, as is granddad, and they now all spend Saturday afternoons together - its a hobby that binds them, and has done since the boys were old enough to go (I guess 7 or 8). The eldest son is now 30 (and still has that time with his father each week). I really wouldn't call him a crap father tbh. 3 generations watching the same team over decades of highs and lows.

Sometimes it is the bigger picture that counts.

The only one that's bad to me is the one who won't "let" his wife throw a party. Tell him to fuck off!

The others are normal.

I don't see the point of toddler parties, or baby activities. It doesn't benefit the babies so much as the mom's who need to get out and socialize with other adults.

I think it starts with a "well if YOU want a kid, we'll have one but YOU'RE looking after it".

Men give this ultimatum, possibly years into a relationship, maybe with a woman worried about her fertility window, and the woman agree.

Mostly mums attend the children's parties I have attended. Oh used to go with us but then said he felt a bit odd as a lot of the times the only other male would be the birthday child's father.

We will be taking it in turns from now on.

Horses for courses.

Me and DHs split parenting 50/50. Does that mean we split ever task 50/50? Nope. He hates parties, feels awkward, so I am always there. I hate sick, whingy kids so when we have one of those he is up all night pacing the house cuddling and rocking the child while I'm in a blissful sleep.

We naturally play to our strengths, mostly without discussion about child and housework.

I think you shouldn't be so quick to judge. I would hate people to think my DH was useless because he never took our 3 DC to parties. I really enjoy kids parties (kindle/iPad fully charged!).