To wonder why some dads are so utterly rubbish and disinterested in their children?

[FET14]

To be clear, I'm not talking about complete and utter disinterest / abandonment, but more 'low level' disinterest and an expectation that minimal involvement in their children's lives suffices. This is where couples are (living) together too, not separated.

Examples:

• A mum who told me her husband would rather poke his eyes out than attend the birthday party of any toddler who's a 'friend' of our toddlers. Apparently he doesn't like babies and children, apart from his own. Mum and toddler attend any such parties without him. (Both parents and any siblings are invited along with the kids. Me and DH plan to go with our toddler. We don't know the other parents too well but like seeing our son interact with other kids.)

• A dad who is a season ticket holder at the local premier league football club and attends every home game plus after-game drinks and a fair amount of away games. He and his wife both work full-time so only have weekends as family time.

• A dad who won't allow his wife to organise a birthday party for his toddler that other little friends and parents are invited to because he doesn't want a fuss. His wife is very sociable with other mums, wants a party and is v disappointed.

• A dad who won't take his toddler to any baby activities by himself.

• A dad who has been on his own 4 day stag do abroad this year and will be going on another similar stag do of a friend later this year, leaving his wife and toddler home alone.

The disinterest seems surprisingly common and cuts across age, social class etc.

AIBU to think this attitude from dads is unreasonable? Either way, is it 'the norm'? Why do the women put up with it? Don't the dads care that they're missing out? Why are perfectly nice and normal women with such idiots?

Well dh and I wouldnt both attend a toddler or childs birthday party unless the parents were mutual friends of ours. One of us would go. If I was at work dh would take dd.

The season ticket thing - maybe the mum gets equal alone time?

Not allowing the mum to arrange a birthday party at home is mean. If I were the mum id arrange an out of the home party and tell dad to stay at home.

Cant say Id be at all bothered of dh went on two stags. I myself can amd have gone on a fee girlie weekends each year.

why on EARTH would a man want to go to some babies birthday party

OR the woman unless the mum is a mate of hers?

Away every weekend is crap. An occasional holiday alone is ok though, so long as both parents get the same opportunities.

Attending toddler birthday parties and baby activities - not sure this really falls into the "good parenting" category?

There are many very interested Dads who are fully engaged with their children and detest children's parties and baby groups. Mums as well like me.
An uninterested Dad is one who just ignores his children all together IMO, takes no notice of their opinions, interests or little quirks.
I have no problem with DH's season ticket or the fact that he regularly spends time away (for work which I know is different).

softly - I'm sure the novelty of kids parties will wear off but they're still only 2 so I expected parental interest to last a tad longer.

Best friends aside ( and they're all already hitched anyway, which is handy! ) I wouldn't want to leave my child to spend a hen weekend at the other end of the country getting a hangover and extra sleep deprived. Weekends are family time now, with the odd little (much needed!) lie-in - DH and I take turns. Maybe I'm aa boring old fart though?

I stupidly omitted the worst example from my OP. Triathlon Dad, created by mid-life crisis. He works FT, mum is SAHM to 2 under 3 and has no
family nearby but he does a triathlon most weekends during the season and the associated training year round. Leaves me lost for words. It's not even like he's much good at it either.

Sounds like a 1970s dad...my Dad

weekends are family time

I HATE THIS

Weekends are time for BOTH parents to explore something other than work or home

Pitt - four already covered dis / un upthread, but thanks anyway!

My DH has only joined us for a family day out about 3 times. Our dts are 6 and a half. He would never attend a birthday party or go to any groups. It is just the way it us with us. Not what i had in mind but his own father had little involvement with him. There are also cultural reasons too I think. We're off on our first ever family holiday next month so that will be interesting. Is is unreasonable? Not if you accept it as it is. Our kids haven't suffered and that is the crucial point.

OP
i think you are a LITTLE bit* straight maybe

*very

I didn't put poor DH through any of the heinous NCT birthday parties before I dumped my NCT group wholesale

I figured that just because I had to suffer it didn't mean he had to.

Disinterest, IMO, is things like not being arsed to listen to them read or help with their spellings once they get to school age.

It's not hideous socialising with other famillies, most of whom you probably don't know or like that well.

The short answer is that women are idiotic about men and think they can change them or they don't question what sort of father they're going to be.

Or that men lie about who they are.

Surely everyone is different? I am perfectly happy doing all the kids parties (particularly considering that it's usually "my" friends who also get roped into the same job), but feel I get more than recompense from the fact my DH does every early morning start at the weekend (he doesn't like having lie-ins in the same way I do). That makes him a crap dad in your book, whereas I think we have a relationship we are all happy in..

Horses for courses and all that.

Being off every weekend or never going on family days out or holidays is rubbish.

But up to the age of about 4 you only take kids on playdates or to parties if you are friends with the other parent.

Pitt - you're 100% right! I am indeed heterosexual

Whodares - exactly! Why is it that parties/softplay etc are what the mum takes the kid to? If the child enjoys it, surely either parent should be willing to take them?

Agree that these examples don't necessarily spell "crap dad". My DH has never taken ours to a toddler group, because the majority of toddler groups take place during the week and he works full time, which I'm guessing is the case for most men.

Season ticket dad and stag party dad; as long as the mother in both cases gets the chance to have equal leisure time then what's the problem?

I would class "uninterested" as never playing with children, reading to them, cuddling them, taking pride in their development and achievements etc.

"I stupidly omitted the worst example from my OP. Triathlon Dad, created by mid-life crisis. He works FT, mum is SAHM to 2 under 3 and has no
family nearby but he does a triathlon most weekends during the season and the associated training year round. Leaves me lost for words. It's not even like he's much good at it either."

Firstly, I bet he's a damn sight better at triathlons than you'll ever be.

Secondly, my DH does triathlons - I do tons of running. We take it in turns to train early in the mornings at the weekend - then we have the days together as a family.

'created by mid-life crisis' do you have any idea how nasty you sound?

DH and I were both overweight after our DC were born and now we are both slim and extremely fit, setting a GOOD example to our DC.

I would FAR rather DH trained than went to some tedious toddler birthday party.

Are you quite new to parenting, btw? It's just that as time goes on you realise how important it is to set a positive example to your growing children, and that includes demonstrating to them that their parents are well rounded people who have interests outside of the family.

beacuse the mum nORMALLY knows the people there

you do sound very very young OP

FET dd is 15 months my excuse is that I work with children all day, do I wanna spend my precious spare time with a bunch of screeching kids do I fuck ahem no I don't lol.

Yes you are being an old fart I'm 36 and going Portugal for a hen weekend oh dear god I can't wait!!!!

But I do get your triathlon dad issue.

A bloke I work with cycles every weekend and uses all his holidays to cycle in other countries. I asked hi once about his gf and little girl and family holidays and he admitted he was very selfish. He has been posting pics all weekend about the cycle route he has taken on facebook and what an amazing time he is having

DP has gone to birthday parties if the child's parents are his friends, but I do the ones that are my friends because I want to see my friends/their kids without needing DP to trail along behind me.

Yes piddle, horses for courses. Are 'your' friends all the mums though? Maybe you should all make the dads take the kids to the party sometime.

Was it Pitt who was rubbishing the notion that weekends are family time? If you both work full-time, when is family time if not weekends? The hour each weekday between end of paid childcare and toddler's bedtime??!

Pitt I don't know any bugger. I'm a Mother. My DH knows more of the parents at school than I do. He doesn't enjoy baby classes either. This thread is a load of bobbins.

The only one that sounds close to impossible to justify to me is the not allowing a birthday party for his own toddler one. If his wife is so keen, let her crack on without him, don't see why he has to get in the way. The party doesn't have to be in their home, he doesn't have to attend.

I think the number of men in the world who would rather spend time interacting with small children than watching a team they support must be under 1%, surely? Can't believe so many people have singled that one out as the exception.

My dh hates attending kids birthday parties, has a football season ticket (which he discussed with me before getting), would never go to any baby activities and has been away on stag weekends.
I don't think he's uninterested in the kids. He does lots with them and I go out a lot too. Sometimes even for the odd night away.
When someone is uninterested in their kids, it usually shows in the lack of daily interaction.