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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email - I probably am.....

22 replies

Weathergames · 29/07/2014 18:48

OH had a fling (ONS) when with 1st wife. 1st wife and I have become good friends.

Women he had ONS with is a bit nuts according to 1st wife and OH best mate - has lied about having cancer for yrs - also gave 1st wife hard time.

She emails OH from time to time (really really boring academic shit - OH not academic or to my knowledge interested in what she's up to - and detailing her "cancer battle").

Once (few yrs ago) saw a series of MSN messages between them where she was pretty inappropriate (reminiscing about their ONS and talking about sex in general) he didn't say anything out of order but did not stop the conversation/pull her up.

He promised to block her from MSN (she just makes me really really uneasy from what his ex and friend have told me) which he has.

He is away for 4 months a year and so I check his email for him at his request so his account doesn't get closed. Last yr on his birthday she sent birthday email which I replied to saying he's away, we're engaged blah de blah - kind if a really nice please fuck off.

She has sent another email this year - I am really tempted to email her from my own account and ask her to leave him alone/ask what she expects from continuing to contact him.

I know IAPBU but it really bugs me and I don't really know why Hmm.

OP posts:
Bigbottomtwirl · 29/07/2014 18:54

If he wants her to stop he needs to tell her.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/07/2014 18:57

I agree with big.

I would be more angry with his attitude - it is odd to stay in contact with someone you cheated with, I think. I don't really see the point of him blocking her on MSN if he's then letting her email him. She obviously hopes it will happen again and he's doing very little to stop her.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/07/2014 18:58

(I mean, come on: what do you hope to get out of emailing her? You know she fancies him or she wouldn't be talking about sex with him. You know she knows he cheated once and is probably hoping he will again. There's really nothing much she can say to you, is there?)

Original poster
Weathergames · 29/07/2014 19:03

The satisfaction of telling her to fuck off myself .... I know I know....

More satisfying to allow her to think it doesn't bother me because I am so secure.

Think it irks me more because of his ex.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 29/07/2014 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Weathergames · 29/07/2014 19:05

A) unsure how to block

B) maybe a bit controlling and wrong of me?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/07/2014 19:05

Grin I do know the feeling - the satisfaction.

But you know you're right not to, as well.

I completely get why it irks you, though.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/07/2014 19:07

I wouldn't block her from his email, because (sorry to say this about your OH, but I don't know him from Adam so it's just my take) he could very easily turn it into an 'oh, she's so controlling' story and make you feel you lost the moral high ground. Obviously it wouldn't excuse him if anything happened between them, but it muddies the waters.

Plus, honestly, if he won't block her himself - why?

Original poster
Weathergames · 29/07/2014 19:08

If he wanted to be with you - love - he would've taken the opportunity when his 1st wife left him.

The cancer stuff bugs me too - like she wants his sympathy Hmm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 29/07/2014 19:09

To be perfectly honest I think he doesn't realise how much it bugs me (or how much I know).

It possibly massages his ego in some weird way.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/07/2014 19:11

Well, she obviously does want his sympathy.

I bet it massages his ego. It's not good though, honestly, is it? She doesn't sound a particularly pleasant woman but he should just put her out of her misery.

Original poster
Weathergames · 29/07/2014 19:14

I don't think I would get his sympathy if I was ill - she's on a road to nowhere :)

He likes strong women.

He's doing the bloke thing and ignoring it as it's easier than dealing with someone else's emotions.

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 29/07/2014 19:24

It's not hard to ignore a couple of e-mails a year, surely? And less hassle than confronting someone, and making yourself look a bit deranged in the process. It's not like she's hanging round in the bushes outside your house. She's not important; don't make her so.

Original poster
Weathergames · 29/07/2014 19:25

She turned up at their house once - abroad.

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 29/07/2014 19:35

But not at your house. She seems to have sent one e-mail in a year. I understand that some things just press our buttons, but maybe you've lost a little perspective on this.

DoJo · 29/07/2014 19:37

Unfortunately, whilst there may be some satisfaction on your part in telling her to fuck off, that comes across from the outside (and particularly to her) as you trying to eliminate the 'competition'. It is for him to tell her to leave him alone and take steps to ensure that it happens - has he not done this?

I think you would be better of asking him to block/delete/tell her to fuck off rather than asking her as though she has the final say in whether they are in touch or not. He could easily block her email address with a couple of clicks if he chose to, and then she could say what she liked, it wouldn't make any difference.

wowfudge · 29/07/2014 19:48

She emails rather desperately once a year - just ignore her. Sounds like your OH has been doing just that rather than engaging with her. Given she has been lying about cancer for years that's probably not a bad way to deal with it.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 29/07/2014 20:01

One email a year isn't much. Have a good think about why it makes you feel so insecure. From here it sounds like you're worried that he may cheat on you in the same way that he cheated on his ex wife.

He's ignoring it, that should be enough, surely? Emailing her yourself makes it look like you think she's a real threat to your relationship, rather than an ONS that happened years ago.

fluffyraggies · 29/07/2014 20:05

I can see why this pisses you off OP. It would me too. However it is only one email a year. Did he answer her last years one? I know he was away at the time, but when he returned?

Original poster
Weathergames · 29/07/2014 20:08

No he didn't and he was pissed off I did :)

OP posts:
deakymom · 29/07/2014 22:23

its tempting to get involved but in the end he is the only one who can tell her to do one my husbands ex wife is a nutter too difference is she has to make new accounts to friends request his facebook and email him as he keeps blocking all of her accounts he has even closed his email account now as she wouldn't leave him alone (she also slags him off on facebook rather spectacularly on a regular basis the friends requests him from a different account that her boyfriend is not on Hmm)

irritating but as i said its his choice does he know how you feel? is he trying to make you jealous?

HamAndPlaques · 29/07/2014 22:29

She is clearly desperate for his attention and if you engage then you will feed her with the next best thing - yours. He is handling it pretty well IMHO by ignoring her. He clearly has nothing to hide from you if he is happy for you to open his email account for him. I think that you maybe need to stop fixating on her and leave her to it.

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