feel like wiping in laws out out of our lives. aibu

[inmyshoos]

My in laws live 4 hours away. So do my folks. When we moved here for work reasons in laws were over the moon saying beautiful part of world and theyd come visit. My folks were gutted because they would not see the kids so much.

Dont want to drip feed but there is a long history of in laws being completely unsupportive with our family whilst they practically raise their other sons dc.
They are heavily involved in their lives and we barely get a phonecall.

We have asked on the odd occassion for help and been told they cant as they have committed to the other gc.

So two days ago dd1 broke her arm in two places and needed an op. My dh works away and when he goes i will have the otherv2 dc plus our two dogs (one is a young pup) and need huge walks. Just managing the other two dc will be tricky enough as they are outdoorsy kids. We have been cycling and swimming and kayaking our days away and allthat will be impossible now with dds cast. Dc are 5, 7 and 9.
It takes a lot for us to ask for help.
So dh asked would mil fancy coming up on bus for a few days while he works. She replied 'oh no i will just see you when you come down'.
I feel like never seeing them again. They do nothing but upset us. They once had a 4 night stay in a hotel half an hour from us and didnt visit. Different if they didnt bother with the other gc but they are heavuly involved in their lives. I would have no oroblem with never seeing them again. My oldest and youngest arent fussed about them but my dd1 with the broken arm really connects with her gran.
Aibu for feeling like cutting them out.

Whois, yep broken arm and operation.

Sitting still didn't make it hurt less.

IME (dd broke her arm last year, and have worked with other dc over the years with limbs in casts), actually, once the arm is set, and in the cast, it doesn't hurt. Bit inconvenient - depending on what sort of cast - but hardly stopping you doing anything.

Is your SIL your Dh's sister?
Perhaps your in-laws think you are getting help from your own parents?
Could you ask your parents to help?
Your in-laws do sound awkward, I agree, but I don't think it can be assumed that help will be on tap. It's your choice to have your family and live a long way from anyone/anywhere, you can't expect your problems to become someone else's problem.
With regard to the banana and other incidents, do you challenge at the time? "Did I misunderstand, or did you refuse your grandchild a banana?" Actually, I would simply get the banana! What does your SIL think of the situation?

inmyshoos
My in laws are a huge strain on my relationship with dh. He too clings to this broken strained relationship. Time for change!

I asked upthread what your husband thought of the situation.

From your most recent post it does not seem he would want to go nc iof he "clings" to the relationship. Does he consider the relationship "broken"? How will you move forward if your husband has a differnt view of the situtaion/solution?

Also, just nosiness now, but like other posters I'm curious as to whether you extended the same offer of coming down for a few days to your own parents.

I'm not excusing your FIL over the banana as that sounds really mean, but I do wince a bit when we have people over and parents say to their child "ask Stary if you can have/do..." - I think either the child asks or the parent asks but parent asking the child to ask grates on me a bit as you're put in a position where you can only say yes or look. My mum does this with my kids "ask your mum can you have these sweets?" grrrrrrrrrrr!

Like others I am also wondering about your relationship with your own parents as a number of posters have asked if you have asked them if they could help, but there has been no reply.

Of course you can go NC with who ever you want but you can't make your DH do the same if he doesn't want to.

• but I don't think it can be assumed that help will be on tap

Not sure if asking for help as a one off in un usual circs equals asking for help on tap?

Her DH is married to her, if the in laws are causing strain and DH is trapped in un healthy reltionship with them he has a duty as a dh to reasses whether he should try at least going nc to help his marriage. he is not alone and it sounds like OP has tried long and hard enough to get on with these people.

Ah, now I read more carefully I see SIL is DH's brother's wife.
Does SIL have parents around/get help from her parents?

I feel your pain OP, my inlaws are exactly the same to the letter.

It's VERY frustrating and upsetting. My DC are really close with my parents, barely know my inlaws. My DH sees it but says that's how it's always been. Breaks my heart. Wish I could offer you some words of wisdom but I've yet to find them myself.

Our current poa is that once every other month we arrange a family day out somewhere and invite them along. So far it's sort of working, so maybe try the same?

Hope you work something out. Best of luck. X

I haven't RTFT but my DS broke his arm just before a holiday to Spain and he used this to protect his cast and it worked brilliantly - can thoroughly recommend.

Re NC - I am NC with my DM as she is totally toxic and dangerous - lif has never been better

You are NBU. I can relate to the upset caused by one set of Grandchildren being treated as more important than the others. My own parents are like this.
I have 2 siblings and my parents have babysat them, had them for weekly sleepovers, looked after them whilst my sisters worked etc. By the time my children came along they had just lost interest and won't do any of those things for my children. They are not interested and will say so. It is enormously hard to ask them for help. Even then they always back out at the last minute leaving us in the lurch. I have stopped asking. I am a teacher so it isn't easy to take a day off work. DH often works away too and commutes.

OP if I were you I wouldn't ask again. It's hard when a child has hurt themselves, particularly with younger ones to look after. You would think your MIL would show more concern. I wouldn't make any effort to contact them at the moment as you have enough to worry about.

My DD broke her arm last summer. The first couple of weeks were a challenge but once the hard cast was on she was able to do alot more than I thought she would be able to do. The waterproof cover made a huge difference.

I feel your pain. We have massive favouritism for our siblings from both GPs and get no help. From what you've described I wouldn't contact them for a while and see if they notice

Hello again. To answer about my own parents. The reason I haven't answered is because explaining about how they help will need a huge back story and will also completely out me. Although tbh completely past giving a shit about that!
To cut along story as short as possible- my parents help a lot in different ways. They visit around every 6 weeks and stay with us. My df helps me with lots of diy jobs as poor dh is not blessed in that department at all. My Mum has health problems which means she is not fit to do too much with the dc. When they go home after a visit my dm takes a few days to recover (and she isnt running after my dc, that is just visiting in general, sleeping different bed, busy house compared to hers etc) My mil is much fitter. She walks for miles regularly and does exercise classes etc. My folks only left here around a week or so ago. My daughter with the broken arm is 7. She is the one who really connects with mil. That is why we thought to ask. The week before we had asked would she come for a few days just because the kids would love it and she just made a few excuses and then didnt mention it again.

It will be fine. I know i can cope. I always do. Few tears along the way but its just so frustrating. It hurts that they dont love my dc like they do the others. Myy dd with the broken arm was their first gc. Sad they care so little for her.

The arm is less painful now set and in cast it just hinders what we can do. We live quite remotely and usually spend the summer swimming most days, horse riding, out on bikes or on trampoline so lots of change now. Today we went fruit picking which was fab. We are going to drive to stay with my folks a few days as they live near a big city so much more to do around them with a cast on.
Dh is probably a bit scared of his dad. He doesnt like his Dad but i suppose he still wants approval from him which has never had.
He was talking about him today saying when he was a kid if any of the kids in their street kicked the ball over their wall by accident his dad would keep it for at least a few hours but more usually until the morning. He said he was always so embarrassed by him.

Yeah I get your point op. They sound bloody awful.

It all sounds hideous. I would just cope alone. And not bother with them any more other than Chridtmas and birthday cards and answering any calls.