feel like wiping in laws out out of our lives. aibu

[inmyshoos]

My in laws live 4 hours away. So do my folks. When we moved here for work reasons in laws were over the moon saying beautiful part of world and theyd come visit. My folks were gutted because they would not see the kids so much.

Dont want to drip feed but there is a long history of in laws being completely unsupportive with our family whilst they practically raise their other sons dc.
They are heavily involved in their lives and we barely get a phonecall.

We have asked on the odd occassion for help and been told they cant as they have committed to the other gc.

So two days ago dd1 broke her arm in two places and needed an op. My dh works away and when he goes i will have the otherv2 dc plus our two dogs (one is a young pup) and need huge walks. Just managing the other two dc will be tricky enough as they are outdoorsy kids. We have been cycling and swimming and kayaking our days away and allthat will be impossible now with dds cast. Dc are 5, 7 and 9.
It takes a lot for us to ask for help.
So dh asked would mil fancy coming up on bus for a few days while he works. She replied 'oh no i will just see you when you come down'.
I feel like never seeing them again. They do nothing but upset us. They once had a 4 night stay in a hotel half an hour from us and didnt visit. Different if they didnt bother with the other gc but they are heavuly involved in their lives. I would have no oroblem with never seeing them again. My oldest and youngest arent fussed about them but my dd1 with the broken arm really connects with her gran.
Aibu for feeling like cutting them out.

YABveryU. You're considering cutting your inlaws out because your MIL didn't intuit that you needed help when you asked if she "fancied a visit"? She's not a mind reader, is she?

Goodness me OP, imagine if your children marry someone who considers cutting YOU off? Horrible thought, no?

What about asking your parents?

• Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon Mon 28-Jul-14 12:00:45

you sound as reasonable and as insightful as an extra large tub of Vaseline.

I here you op! I get you! I would ask her directly, do not worry about being turned down, asking her head on will honestly make you feel stronger.....be brave...

Your asking too much of them, they sound immature and mean.

Accept you will never get help from them and deal with it.

Didn't anybody read the piece about them staying half an hour away and not visiting in the op?

They did they have just cherry pocked

From your OP you are overreacting. You didn't ask directly for her help, she didn't offer.
FWIW we have a vaguely similar situation - we are 3 hours away from MIL. She favours her other grandchildren and daughter. She has also helped them extraordinarily financially (bought them house and car) and not done the same for us.

However.
She does visit every couple of months (we tend not to visit her - I wouldn't mind but DH wont so she's probably miffed about this) so she can see our boys. She would probably come over in an emergency but only if I made it clear that it was so. She has her own life and can't be expected to drop everything to help us.
DS2 just had a cast off his arm after he broke it - fwiw those four weeks weren't easy (and I only have two dc) but we coped. You can get waterproof covers. He could still use a scooter although not a bike. He still played in the park and went paddling. You and your MIL both sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder TBH.

What about your own parents op? Have you asked them for help?

could your dd go and stay with her gran for a few days? I don't get any help from my in laws either, but from time to time the dcs have spent a few days with them in the summer holidays and they really like that.

Agree with other posters on the following points:

• you live far away - they are bound to spend more time with the gcs that live closer. I am in exactly the same situation.

• were you clear enough that you were asking for help rather than suggesting a visit?

• the post on the driveway is irrelevant. As mentioned, it must need to be removed for everyone, not just you. It is a security measure, not a way to deliberately annoy you.

• you sound equally awkward over the birthday meal date.

Before considering going nc, try and see whether you're interpreting things a bit harshly as you're understandably a bit harrassed at the moment.

Wow mintyy I'm amazed, you must have very understanding employers.

Wow, why wow? Millions of families do not have help with childcare from grandparents. I would say the vast majority among my friends.

Ask. Use words. And lots of posters have been in exactly the same position.

What did your parents say when asked?

Gen, we have never had help from grandparents either. You seem to think it's an automatic right for everyone to have parents and inlaws to provide childcare? It's never happened for us, and we would never have expected it.

DH and I don't have handy childcare either. MIL looked after dd for an hour once. FIL and DH are NC. My parents live nearly 2 hours away and aren't in great shape atm so we have to pay for any childcare. We have had one whole 24 hours as a couple in 8 years. My parents will come in an emergency or for very very occasional evenings out so we save those up for life and death.

We just cope.

Gen35
Wow mintyy I'm amazed, you must have very understanding employers

I'm the same as Mintyy - we have no-one we can rely on. My parents still work and my ILs live far away. We have to manage by ourselves. But both of us work for large organisations with family friendly policies and generous leave entitlements.

Op I don't understand why you have been given such a horrible time.

I have GP not mine but within my family who fly round the world to see and support their children with the GC.

They really really try and treat children equally.

I also have two children and cannot imagine doing so much for one but not the other no matter how far away they lived! I would certainly, try and be more diplomatic thats for sure than you MIL has been HAD I done more baby sitting/child care for one...I would be very aware of the other one.

OP after having read your further posts, I would definitely go nc for say 6 months. Just drop off, dont contact them, see if they 'miss' you.

It sounds like having them in your life is stressful and you get nothing out of it.

I'm the same as Mintyy - we have no-one we can rely on

same here but still struggling to understand why this translates into op bashing...

I understand how you feel- for different reasons.

We have no help anywhere near us. I. have no family, am an only child and my parents are dead. DH family live 130 miles away. They are lovely and would certainly come if we asked for help but there have been times we have felt very alone. I have had 3 ops in the last few years, and my mum died after several years of being very frail and needing lots of care.

I am not grumbling or complaining, just saying I know how you feel about how feeling a bit of support would make a difference.

However, my MIL is very practical and I have discovered I need to be very direct with her. After my mum died, I had her flat to clear. For some reason, when it came to her things, the only person I could think who I would let help me sort through them was MIL who had sent a card and come to the funeral but that was it.

I rang her and just asked and she drove up that afternoon and stayed a week and came with me every day. DH did the actual moving stuff but the sorting through it she did with me. It brought us much closer as well. She was quite touched that I had asked and there were some emotional moments we shared.

Ring her and ask her for her help. Tell her how much you would appreciate hit.

Op isn't asking for 'childcare', she's asking for a bit of support with 1 dc. I've never had help and I don't think it's a 'right' but I have many friends and family members who do get actual childcare from gps as well as interaction with gps. Good for you if you have no expectations of your family or gps, personally my sympathy is with the op and her difficult situation, I don't think it's unreasonable for people with sick dc to expect help.

I haven't "bashed" the op!!

No mintyy you haven't.

I don't think it's unreasonable for people with sick dc to expect help

There's the crux of it I think. I have never expected help ever. Even when my children have been ill.

I haven't 'bashed' the OP either. I've suggested quite gently, the PIL may have a different viewpoint from the OP.

the sorting through it she did with me. It brought us much closer as well

My Mil did this too, and it put us further apart, grabbing DM clothing and encouraging me to chuck all of it out, looking at it like rags....chidding me for wanting to hang onto one or two old ball gowns.
I wish I had never let her touch it.

So....whilst yours came through Lulu, not everyones is the same.

Mintyy
I haven't "bashed" the op!!

Neither have I!

Good for you if you have no expectations of your family or gps, personally my sympathy is with the op and her difficult situation, I don't think it's unreasonable for people with sick dc to expect help

same here gen totally agree with you.