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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feel like wiping in laws out out of our lives. aibu

114 replies

inmyshoos · 28/07/2014 11:32

My in laws live 4 hours away. So do my folks. When we moved here for work reasons in laws were over the moon saying beautiful part of world and theyd come visit. My folks were gutted because they would not see the kids so much.

Dont want to drip feed but there is a long history of in laws being completely unsupportive with our family whilst they practically raise their other sons dc.
They are heavily involved in their lives and we barely get a phonecall.

We have asked on the odd occassion for help and been told they cant as they have committed to the other gc.

So two days ago dd1 broke her arm in two places and needed an op. My dh works away and when he goes i will have the otherv2 dc plus our two dogs (one is a young pup) and need huge walks. Just managing the other two dc will be tricky enough as they are outdoorsy kids. We have been cycling and swimming and kayaking our days away and allthat will be impossible now with dds cast. Dc are 5, 7 and 9.
It takes a lot for us to ask for help.
So dh asked would mil fancy coming up on bus for a few days while he works. She replied 'oh no i will just see you when you come down'.
I feel like never seeing them again. They do nothing but upset us. They once had a 4 night stay in a hotel half an hour from us and didnt visit. Different if they didnt bother with the other gc but they are heavuly involved in their lives. I would have no oroblem with never seeing them again. My oldest and youngest arent fussed about them but my dd1 with the broken arm really connects with her gran.
Aibu for feeling like cutting them out.

OP posts:
donnie · 28/07/2014 12:45

I think you are being unreasonable , OP, and I speak as someone who has no help and has never had any help. My parents and dh's parents are dead and we have literally nobody. And we have to suck it up. You, on the other hand, are really being rather petulant and entitled.

How ridiculous to suggest cutting your in-laws out of your lives for failing to interpret a 'do you fancy coming over for a few days' as 'we are in desperate need of help'.

HauntedNoddyCar · 28/07/2014 12:46

It isn't op bashing at all but this is all being blamed on the mil. The DH could take time off or ask his mother directly. The op could ask her parents.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 28/07/2014 12:48

for failing to interpret a 'do you fancy coming over for a few days' as 'we are in desperate need of help'

If a DD called me and said - broken arm...I would be able to use my mental powers, limited though they are to understand.....a calamity has happened and someone may need help.

Op, your MIl and in laws dont like you - learn to live with it. You can see from here how harsh people can be!

MrsBoldon · 28/07/2014 12:48

I'm not sure why you would need extra help because a child broke her arm? Even if you can't do some of your usual activities I don't see how that's extra work?.

Anyway, you didn't ask for help. You asked if she fancied getting a bus in the hot weather for four hours at her own expense to spend time with GC and someone who doesn't like her (you!).

Yes you're being v.unreasonable if you propose refusing contact with close relatives because she didn't jump at the chance!.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 28/07/2014 12:48

Ok to make situation clearer.

Example 1. When we lived 30 mins from them the situation was exactly the same. When i had a mc dh worked away and i had ds 2 and dd 10 mnths. I asked for help in the form of borrowing their old car that was waiting to go to be scrapped. Fil said no. Later that week he loaned it to sil because her car wouldnt start and she didnt want to be housebound with her dd. She lives 5 min walk from them. She cut her finger on a peeler 3 days later and they kept her dd for 2 days. Meanwhile half an hour away i was on the verge of a breakdown with 2 poor sleepers and recovering from mc.

Example 2. When dh and i married it was where we live now and all his family stayed in chalets nearby. Fil/mil had a lunch the next day with all the family. We were not invited and there was no mention of why not etc. Just told 'we can help tidy the hall in morning but we need to leave at 11 as all the family are coming for lunch'.

Example 3. They visited staying nearby and brought sil/bil and other gc. They told my dc they could stay two nights but not the last 3. One the second last night they all got fish and chips from the chip shop whilst we were in the village and went home to their chalet leaving my middle dd crying because she wasnt invited. Gran told her 'we already said you couldnt stay'.

Example 4. I was heavily preg. They were visiting in chalet. My ds was hungry and too shy to ask for something in their chalet. I tell him just ask grandpa for a banana. Spent 20 mins encouraging him to ask. Grandpa sitting beside us and had asked what we were talking about so was fully aware. My 3 year old ds says finally 'grandpa can i have a banana please'. Fil smiles and says 'no'.

You have no idea how twisted my fil is. He pulls the strings. Mil does as she is told but has her own insensitive side. I too would love to hear their side of this story because i have no idea what the problem is other than control.

OP posts:
tobiasfunke · 28/07/2014 12:49

I totally sympathise OP. My PIL do the same thing except their other child lives 8 hours drive away and we live 1.5 hours. When we had DS they made it clear they 'didn't do help'. Turns out when SIL had a baby they did do help - a lot of help- just not for us. Treating your children and gc so inequably is extremely corrosive. Relationships in our family are damaged forever.
I would go nc for a bit- without any drama. They will never change.
Has your DH actually said anything to them about it. My DH did and they made some noises but nothing changed.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 28/07/2014 12:49

It isn't op bashing at all but this is all being blamed on the mil. The DH could take time off or ask his mother directly. The op could ask her parents

she has clearly said there is back story here....its the straw that broke camels back.

tobiasfunke · 28/07/2014 12:50

OMG I've just read the update. Why are you still even speaking to these people?

Bowlersarm · 28/07/2014 12:52

If you had said your last post first, you may have got different responses.

Drip feeding is very annoying.

dixiechick1975 · 28/07/2014 12:54

I'd forget asking IL - forget about it sounds more hassle than it's worth.

Use the headspace to sort out what help you need and sorting that.

Know nothing about dogs but if DD walking dog with you isn't possible look for a dog walker short term.

I bet you can find activities for all to suit - visit park for picnic. Injured child sits and reads after whilst other 2 run around. Book 2 youngest in for intensive daily swimming lessons - eldest can sit and watch.

Should be ideas on your local council website of activities.

Or book younger 2 into childcare for a week or two and have a chilled out week with your eldest as she recovers. Football, gymnastics, dancing - going rate around here is £12 9-3.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 28/07/2014 12:54

Drip feeding is very annoying it is when you have laid into someone isnt it - when they did say there was more back story.

Op, you are choosing to be under their control, you shoudl be encouraging your DH to emotionally disengage from them....

it is power and engaging is making it worse, dont engage any more.

how many more incidents have to happen ...

Original poster
inmyshoos · 28/07/2014 12:55

I know drip feeding is annoying bowlersarm but how many people want to read a 3 page essay on aibu.

There are so many examples like above i dont know where to start.

OP posts:
HauntedNoddyCar · 28/07/2014 12:55

The last post makes it clearer but the previous stuff didn't seem that bad at all.

The banana thing is odd.

Even so I still can't understand why the first port of call is to people you can't abide.

Bowlersarm · 28/07/2014 12:57

I haven't laid into anyone, Jimmy. Can you quote where I have?

You can only say YABU/YANBU on an opening post. I think the OP is unreasonable in her opening post to suggest she cuts her mil out of her life for not fancying a visit for a few days.

Cluffyflump · 28/07/2014 12:57

Why would you want them to look after your dc
They sound a bit shit and you would just get wound up by them.

Bowlersarm · 28/07/2014 12:58

OP, I now have more sympathy with you. Do what you feel you must.

Georgina1975 · 28/07/2014 12:58

Could you get a "mothers help" for the time your DP is away (I have no idea of the cost).

Gen35 · 28/07/2014 12:58

Gawd they sound appalling...the no support after mc thing is so terrible I can see why you feel very hurt. I'd just invest in other mutually supportive relationships.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 28/07/2014 13:00

I am going to look into dog walker. Head is busting. Dh and i at each others throats because he gets stressed by his family and how they behave but cant talk to them. Hence why he asked in a less direct way than i would have liked.

I will cope. It will be fine. I have a few lovely friends nearby who will help. I hate asking them they have their own dc etc

The situation is made worse by our remote location. We live 25 miles from nearest pool/supermarket etc. It is the price you pay i guess but when everything is fine its a fantastic place to raise kids.

Thank you to those who understand and have offered helpful advice.

OP posts:
Staryyeyedsurprise · 28/07/2014 13:04

HauntedNoddyCar
The last post makes it clearer but the previous stuff didn't seem that bad at all

Bowlersarm
You can only say YABU/YANBU on an opening post. I think the OP is unreasonable in her opening post to suggest she cuts her mil out of her life for not fancying a visit for a few days

Agree with both. OP leaves a lot of room for differing interpretations. Post at 12:48 is less open to interpretation. It's all very well saying "but she said there was a back story" but the back stopry might have also been filled with equally open items.

OP what does your DH feel about the situation?

Original poster
inmyshoos · 28/07/2014 13:05

Sad thing is my mil is a really nice gran. When she is with the kids she bakes, paints and plays with them. She just chooses to spend 99% of her time with the other gc.

Fundamentally mil and i are far more similar than her and sil. I just dont get it. And i do try so hard but it is usually met with a hard slap.

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 28/07/2014 13:13

OP, they sound awful, and in your shoes I would ask friends for help. You can always return the favour another time. I understand your situation, albeit to a lesser extent. My MiL definitely favours her other DGC and not my two wonderful DCs. Over the years I've come to the conclusion that it's because my own, lovely, DH is the least favourite of her own children. Sad Angry

Original poster
inmyshoos · 28/07/2014 13:15

avon exactly my dhs take on the whole thing. Says his brother was the favoured child and it has always been this way.

OP posts:
Ronmione · 28/07/2014 13:18

I understand where you are coming from, ask her outright for help! Make it clear you are asking and you are desperate. If she says no then Yabu to give up with them, but at least you would then have a clear vaild reason

EarthWindFire · 28/07/2014 13:20

Have you asked your parents. It seems to be all about IL but nothing about asking your parents.