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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hacked off over ppl touching my child

114 replies

choochootrain1 · 27/07/2014 23:48

I would NEVER touch a tot or baby without permission from the parent and knowing I had recently washed my hands...but it seems like the whole of London wants to touch my toddler (shake his hand/hi5 /even kiss his cheek!)

These are not ppl I know - these are random strangers! I'm on the verge of creating a badge asking ppl not to - but a friend thinks that would draw even more attention and ppl would assume it's a joke and do it more?

Thoughts? Advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
choochootrain1 · 28/07/2014 10:46

Jeez ppl do realise the badge is a tongue in cheek suggestion? (apparently not)

OP posts:
MizLizLemon · 28/07/2014 10:53

I think this might work, don't wipe his snotty nose, his dribble or his mouth after eating. No one will want to touch him then.

Original poster
choochootrain1 · 28/07/2014 10:53

Actually I posted late last night and realise my Original post kind of doesn't convey the badge is a tongue in cheek suggestion with a sarcastic response from a friend... if only I knew how to edit my original post perhaps I could avoid a whole lot of aggro...but anyhow! lesson learnt from late night posting ESP in this talk topic!

OP posts:
Numanoid · 28/07/2014 10:53

a friend thinks that would draw even more attention and ppl would assume it's a joke and do it more

^ That part suggested that you were being serious, but a friend warned you off doing it, which is why people (myself included) are commenting on the badge part.

If it's an issue in your local area, warn a few people off, word will quickly spread and people will avoid approaching you. You won't be viewed in the best light but it would work. Otherwise, I don't know what you could do.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/07/2014 10:53

Is it old people usually?

I had this with both my girls. They were happy smoky babies and people enjoyed interacting with them.

Much preferable to the looks and tuts I get now when the toddler throws a tantrum on the bus :o

Original poster
choochootrain1 · 28/07/2014 10:54

Ha! great idea MiZLiZLemon :D

OP posts:
Original poster
choochootrain1 · 28/07/2014 10:57

Thanks Numanoid, I read my post again and realised...just don't know how to edit to explain that.

It was a late night post - I'd had the conversation with a pal before posting and joked about making up a giant badge warding off babygropers, he'd replied (still jovially) that people would think it's a joke and do it more so. (But it wasn't actually a serious plan in action, just a tongue in cheek suggestion)

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 28/07/2014 11:01

Grin @ "happy smoky babies"

Original poster
choochootrain1 · 28/07/2014 11:03

gileswithachainsaw - the old ladies I don't actually mind so much, it's hard to be annoyed about a sweet old lady (and they usually acknowledge me as a mother)

The people that really sparked off this post are people who's hands are visibly dirty, often drunk/rowdy on a day out, and zone in on my toddler without so much as glancing in my direction putting their hands on him.

What blew my fuse yesterday was a woman had actually gone into his space and was kissing him on the cheek (SEVERAL TIMES) she was either unhinged or drunk, surely?!! no glance in my direction for permission or acknowledgement of me as the mother...

OP posts:
ikeaismylocal · 28/07/2014 11:03

How old is your child? From the description of shaking hands/high 5s it doesn't sound like he is a tiny baby. Is he so vulnerable to illnesses that you can't take him to the park or other everyday things? If so I can understand your concerns and in that case I would avoid public transport at all costs and if I absolutely had to use public transport I'd have my child in a pushchair with a rain cover or use a sling.

If it is just a case of you feeling uncomfortable when other people touch your child then you should really follow your child's lead and if he's ok with physical interaction then don't stress about it.

My ds is 18 months old and he gets asthma quite badly even with just a normal cold, he has been hospitalised a few times because of it but I don't limit his interactions, toddlers thrive on social interaction.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/07/2014 11:04

Oh ffs Blush

Smiley that should say smiley

Bowlersarm · 28/07/2014 11:04

He must be unbelievably cute, OP, I don't remember that happening with any of mine.

Bloodybridget · 28/07/2014 11:06

I often smile at/play peek-a-boo with strange babies/small children. I wouldn't touch, but calling it "groping" and "weird" is horrible and silly.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2014 11:08

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. I don't people should touch other peoples' babies and children unbidden.

It's fairly easy to see when such contact is welcome, the parent does give non-verbal clues. I think those are ignored sometimes because what the person wants to do overrides the fact that a parent/guardian of the child might not want them to do it. Manners!

Talking to a child in parental 'custody' is fine. Touching them? Probably not. I don't touch or talk to strange children although I might smile at them if I notice them.

Gruntfuttock · 28/07/2014 11:08

It doesn't matter how cute he is, it's still unacceptable (ref OP's most recent post)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2014 11:10

OP... is it the fact that the 'touchers' are not acknowledging YOU that is causing some of the problem? I think it's because some people are obsessed with children and young babies and can't/won't keep their hands off them... if they looked at you for permission, you might not give it so they just dive in and hope that stealth wins the day!

Original poster
choochootrain1 · 28/07/2014 11:11

He's not a tiny baby ikeaismylocal and he leads a normal life with normal interactions. As I said I don't feel like giving out life story explanations but there are health reasons why it bothers me more so than maybe it would without these.

My hack is just when people don't spend and never will spend more than 2 mins in our lives on public transport yet feel they have a right to put their hands on him.

If somebody has glanced in my direction even - I as a mother am uncomfortable, I don't like it but will bite my tongue and hand gel him if I need to afterwards for my own anxieties, but you know at least they didn't just assume they have a right to and dive right on him.

OP posts:
Teddybeau1988 · 28/07/2014 11:15

One of the mums in my nct group had an old lady ask if she could rub a coin on her ( the baby) for good luck. Two days later they were in hospital and the lb had bacterial meningitis. They nearly lost her. The mum is totally convinced it was her fault for letting the old lady touch her.

Original poster
choochootrain1 · 28/07/2014 11:18

yes LyingWitchinthewardrobe that's a BIG part of it, surely it would be right to at least glance in the parents direction if somebody really needs to get up out of their seat, move to his pram and get in his face??

On the few times people have been polite enough to actually ask permission - they've been granted it, if he was enjoying the attention. (I'm prob not as neurotic as this post may make me appear)

I firstly just would never despite how much I enjoyed peek-a-boo or smiles from a child, myself - feel it's ok to move out of my seat and get in their face. And I certainly would have glanced at the parent first if I did think I had a right to.

the references to babygropers (someone else said it earlier on) I liked the word. I don't actually assume these are all paedo's, just as I say, don't like them touching my child.

OP posts:
Original poster
choochootrain1 · 28/07/2014 11:26

Teddybeau1988 that's exactly the type of thing though - it goes through my head that ppl don't consider the safety of a child over their 30 seconds of "that baby made my day" feeling. Which is more important? In my opinion - the kid will always be more important.

I know of a kid who nearly died from group b strep myself. Then I looked it up and learned that tons of people carry it and it's a harmless bacteria to most - but can be fatal in compromised immune systems and newborns... how does anyone know that the stranger touching their kid isn't carrying bacteria from masturbating and not washed their hands since? (prob over the top point, but ya know!) the kid got it as their mum was a carrier (and maybe the example of contracting it on public transport is a non existent risk)....

but for me it's the principle, put a kid first, not your moment of fuzzy baby feeling.

OP posts:
Numanoid · 28/07/2014 11:27

I think the only unreasonable part was the badge, choochoo, but you've said that wasn't serious, so I don't think you're BU. I just don't know how you'd get people not to do it.

Could you tell a white lie? Maybe tell them he's recovering from chickenpox /the cold? That said, people should respect your wishes re. not touching him without asking.

Original poster
choochootrain1 · 28/07/2014 11:29

LOL great idea! off to think up illness people will not want to catch...but can't be so bad people attack me for daring to take him out and expose them to it

thanks Numanoid!

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 28/07/2014 11:32

I can see what you mean, as a not particularly tactile person myself, it would make me twitch to have random people kissing my child.

"Grope" is not appropriate in this context though.

ikeaismylocal · 28/07/2014 11:41

It does sound like it is more your issue rather than an issue for his health, if I really believed that my child was in danger from a stranger shaking his hand there is no way I would allow my child to be in the situation where it might happen, so if a stranger aproached him I would say "just to let you know he's very vulnerable to illnesses at the moment so I'd rather you didn't touch him", people would probably look at me like I was bonkers but I wouldn't care if my child would possibly be very ill because of that interaction.

If it is just an issue for me than I would just get over it as it would be my problem not ds's problem and not the friendly person's problem.

As for drunk people or people on drugs I am really careful around those sorts of people and would probably get off the bus or move to another train carriage rather than have my ds around very drunk or drugged people even if they were not wanting to touch my child.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2014 11:41

It is though Alis, you can 'grope' for anything, light switch. It doesn't always have sexual connotations but is most often used in that context. To me, it's unthinking and unwanted touching and, on that basis, quite appropriate even if it makes those guilty of it feel a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps it should?

Maybe being thought of as being a 'baby-groper' will make some people take a step back and at least acknowledge the parent, ask if they can touch the baby or at least recognise social cues. It's not difficult. It really is about manners and politeness rather than immediate gratification of touching babies just because you want to.