to ask those of you who aren't close to your siblings whether your parents are to blame?

[MinutesOfMeetings]

In RL most of my adult friends with siblings are either very close friends or slightly distant but generally loving. On here I see a lot of posts from people saying they hate their siblings or are not in contact, these posts are especially common on threads debating only-children.

I was an only child so have little insight into sibling dynamics but I now have three kids and would be so sad if they grew up with negative feelings about one another.

Are there things a parent can do to foster a good sibling dynamic? Those of you with bad sibling relationships, do you see it as all down to your sibling's personality or something else?

Don't speak to any of my brothers. Growing up we were always compared (unfavourably) against each other and never spent any downtime enjoying each others company / doing anything together so never built any bonds. We were also treated differently and each had a role ascribed to us. (Never agreed with mine - to look after everyone / smooth everything over when things erupted.)
Was inevitable way things have turned out really. Probably wouldn't even recognise my youngest brother if bumped into him it has been so long.
Parents have split so no reason to get together as adults with our various children either.

My parents seemed to encourage sibling rivalry, still do in fact. I rarely see/speak to my siblings. My mother favoured my younger sister, babied her, cherished her etc. She bought her nicer clothes etc, I know that sounds pathetic and bitter on my part, but when your mother can see no wrong in your sibling but does in you it does get to you.

Even now, mother refers to my sister as 'so good natured, such a good friend, so sociable etc' whereas with me she likens me to as cousin whom she hates!

Worth also baring in mind birth order - I was the older sister, my mother was a younger sister who hated her older sister. She's always made reference to older sisters being bullies so perhaps that's why she disliked me but adored her youngest child...

There are 8 1/2 years between and my younger sister. She had a lot of problems as a child: speech problems and is probably dyspraxic (unheard of in the late 70's) When I was a teenager,I was left to look after her a lot,which I resented. Then,she nearly died of pneumonia, at the same time my parents told me they were getting divorced - I was nearly 18- and my mother totally overcompensated for all her (my sister) problems through guilt.

There are loads of other reasons why I do not speak to her...basically I can't deal with all her problems,she "does my head in".

I tried a bit of contact through Facebook after our mum died,but she wrote some dreadful things that she said mum had told her. And now she can't understand why I won't play happy families with her.

She also guilt trips my elderly dad into giving her money . She hasn't worked since she was 19.(She gave up her one and only job...that's a whole other story!) She's in her 40' s now!

I don't hate her...I'm just better off with no contact. Sad but true.

My siblings and I get in fine. We re not in constant contact but will see each other a few times a year and text/call fairly regularly. We enjoy getting together and having a catch up.

As children, my parents treated us the same. We were told off if we fought and weren't even allowed to call each other stupid. I think that helped build mutual respect for each other.

I'm from a very large family. We competed for everything; attention, food, new clothes, a place to sit etc. we still are competitive, though in a much calmer sense. As adults we are mostly distant with each other. Physically so in my case, I live 12,00 miles away from most of them. When we do meet up, with the exception of one, the golden child, whom most of us avoid, we get on reasonably well, though strictly in small amounts. I met up briefly with my youngest sister last week and we struggled to find 10 minutes conversation, though to be fair I left home for university when she was 4 so we don't have a lot in common.

Children are very alert to fair treatment. I suspect one of the reasons none of my generation have had more than a few children each is we don't want to be put in the situation our parents were of having to divide extremely scares resources amongst the multitude. It was never fair. My mother only once admitted one sister always got the biggest share of whatever was available. She's never repeated the admission.

My brother and I don't get on, and I don't see him unless we both happen to be at our parents at the same time (may happen once a year due to the distances). We've never been close, and are very different people. But I don't want to have anything to do with him now as he is a complete arse to our parents.

Maybe my parents could have helped us to be closer as children - neither is close to their siblings, but I think as adults we'd have never got on well, but if they'd had whole family events we might have had a polite relationship

Slug, your experience chimes with mine. We were a large family (I am the eldest) with several older relatives living with us at various times, in a cramped house on a small, insecure single income. I competed with my siblings for attention, love, food, physical space, and all the other scarce resources. The minute we were able to embrace adulthood, we got a long way away from one another, and have civil but distant relationships, both emotionally and geographically. There was just not enough of anything when we were growing up, and it left its mark.

My brothers and I had a lovely time until we were 11, when in turn we went to The Worst School in England. That broke us up, as talking to a junior Wasn't Done.

We've now drifted to the point where we have different regional accents. I have''t seen the next in age (16 months younger) for 4 years.

Both our parents apologised on their respective deathbeds.

Xpost: yeah, the competition for food. That was the worst thing; I went for DB2 with a knife for taking an extra potato. The subsequent battering was pretty bad, but it made us sink our differences.

Xx-post: the school fees marked the start of the Hungry Time. Before that we were OK.

DB is 18 months younger than me but we are not close. He lives half an hour away, and we meet up maybe twice a year (Xmas, Easter) at our mums. He also has a son (6).
He was always her favourite, despite the fact he took drugs, fractured my dad's cheekbone, shouted and screamed, hit me more than once etc during a bad patch as a teenager. He came good as an adult and I am polite to him now, but can never ever forgive or forget what he was like at times, nor my mum using me as a scapegoat for her frustrations when I never caused them a scrap of trouble in comparison.

DB is almost exactly 2 yrs younger than me. We get on but it's a relationship where neither of us talk about our childhood as we have totally different views on it. To him it was a golden age where the sun never set, to me it was a difficult time with lost of arguments and a very hard relationship with our mother.

To be fair my mother would have sworn she treated us the same but I had the weight of expectation as the oldest. DB had a severe speech delay until he was 7 and it was my job to look after him. He hates the fact that he was reliant on me even now so it can be tricky to offer help of any kind 35 years later.

I have a much easier relationship with my half brother who is 7 yrs younger than me. We are just much more similar in personality than my DB above. Basically DB would have been much better placed as an only child or the oldest.

I am the eldest of 3, my brother is 5 years younger and my sister is 7 years younger. I have nothing in common with either of them and find maintaining a relationship very hard and I suppose I keep contact because I feel I should rather than wanting to IYSWIM.

When we were growing up my brother and sister were a 'team' and I was the outsider. My parents encouraged them to wind me up. My parents used to make fun of my appearance - teenage spots, flat chest, ears etc and laughed when my brother and sister did the same. They also never discouraged them when they wound me up.

When we all get together my mum says how lovely it is to have her DC there, which makes me a bit .

When I moved out at 21 I didn't miss anyone at home. Since having my DDs I swore I would never play them off against each other.

I think parents playing their DCs off against each other is the biggest cause of upset. Also, it doesn't matter how old or how well off they are, parents should never ever give more financial help to one DC over the others.

I definitely agree with beany. My sister and I would never be friends or associate with each other if we weren't related, so the enforcement hasn't helped.

theword that's reminded me of a major factor in the struggles with my sister. I was the weirder child and definitely more academic whereas sister was popular and more streetwise. I was always told how jealous I was of her when I never really was (this includes being told so by my parents who bought into her fantasies a lot). I left home and got on with my life and ironically I have everything she feels she has a right to (a lovely DH, kids, good friendships, etc.), and its her that suffers with extreme jealousy and outrage at times that I've managed it.

I care very much about my siblings but we can't really get on a lot of the time.

It's very complex but I do blame my parents for the strained relationship that we have.

All sorts if reasons, the poor environment we grew up in, treating us differently, blaming us for things that weeny our fault, playing us off against each other.

It becomes engrained in your being.

I'm the oldest of three and I definitely blame my parents that we're not close. I get along with each of them now when we meet, but we don't have any regular contact by ourselves (so it'd be if we're all at our parents etc).

My mom was an only child, adopted by quite old, strict parents, and I think she's just been unable to (and uninterested in) understanding sibling relationships. My sister is 4 years younger than me and once she came along she was the golden child. I was always to blame for everything, regardless of circumstances. Default scapegoat. It was picked up on by friends etc, so was really obvious. I think it just got to a point where I figured I'd always get the blame anyway, so I might as well actually do the things I was blamed for. We fought a LOT.

My brother is 10 years younger and took over golden child status as THE BOY. Gave my sister a dose of similar medicine as I had had and actually helped our relationship a little. He was always too young to bother me really, and I moved out when he was 6. But generally there's always been a favorite, and any sort of normal sibling rivalry / teasing was completely misunderstood by my mom. I think that hindered our getting to know each other properly as much as the favoritism to be honest. We just weren't allowed to interact.

I was the quiet, academical one who always did well at school and didn't get into trouble etc. So I was the responsible one who did well and didn't need any help/guidance/anything/attention and was mostly left alone in that respect too. So to me I just felt like I never got any (positive) attention at all. I was (and am) also a fussy eater and there were massive food battles that I still resent today (and blame for still being unable to eat many foods).

We get along better now, and my relationship with my parents improved once I moved out. But I'll never be close to any of them. My mom still favors my sister, probably mostly because they have similar personalities (and my sister hasn't had the issues I have had with my mom), and my brother, because he is THE BOY (and the baby). She's coming around to me now that I have the only grandchild.

My dad is generally lovely, but has always pandered too much to my mom imo. He's always chosen to "keep the peace" so to speak (mom has a volatile temper too) without going against her.

They both to this day refuse to see that they've ever played favorites.

And wow, sorry that turned out to be an essay. Nice to get out though :)

caeleth wow that's very similar indeed to my experience! My sister always played up and needed help with everything (and was very dramatic) whilst I just got on with stuff, school, university and so on. Which means I think that when after my DC waa born and I actually needed some help, my parents weren't actually sympathetic or helpful but seemed outraged that I wasn't my being the capable coper as usual :(

Well initially I didn't feel it had anything to do with our upbringing but after reading this thread then maybe it played a part.

I was the middle child, older broher had SN so allowances were always made for him and in turn he made my life a misery from the age of about ten until he died when I was 13.
My younger brother was always the "baby" and looking back if he wanted it he got it. We were really close as children despite the favouritism until about 15 years ago then his behaviour changed dramatically due to circumstances I wont go into.

Again allowance's were made, parents gave in to him time and time again, constantly making excuses for him and in return he made my mum and dads life hell (until recently that is)
I cannot forgive him for what he put them through and our relationship is non existent, it deteriorated years ago and sadly I don't think well ever have that brother/sister relationship that you are "supposed" to have.

I am very close to my only sibling despite a nearly 10 year age gap. My parents always demonstrated and said that they love us both equally. I love my brother as he is a really lovely young man that I would be friends with even if we weren't related. He is a wonderful uncle too.
So - I think it is so important to not have favourites, not encourage unnecessary competition, encourage a feeling of mutual responsibility between siblings.

My DB is 18 months younger than me. When we were younger we always played together nicely. Had lots of arguments that were forgotten as soon as you wanted to play a 2 player game! My mum always made a big point of treating us fairly.
At 15 and 17 ish we would argue about silly stuff a lot more often then when I went to uni at 18 the relationship improved.
Now at 27 and 25 we get along very well. We live 3 hours away from each other but visit often. He facetimes me a couple times a week but will spend about an hour making silly faces at my 1 year old DD while I chat to his girlfriend
Now that he will be having a DD any day now we look forward to them being close.

My ex on the other hand isn't very interested in any relationship with his 3 sisters. From what I've seen he's been treated more favourably than them by parents.

I realise that parents CAN be inadequate, only behaving through their personal life experiences.

I have forgiven mine at last, though it took me until I was over forty to understand the dynamics of my/our childhood.

my grandmother died when my dm was just 4.....grandmother's dm died when she was just 11.

g-g-grandmother died when she was also 11.i think that's right, basically 4 generations of daughters/mothers without love/guidance/support.

my dm was a single parent in 1940---so shameful then, no financial support.

then dm met my father, and the first child of the marriage was born, within financial emotional security.
then another 2 dsis were born, but there was only enough love to go round for my dm's first dd.

then I was born, but my dm loved my dsis so much that she resented me to her dying day.( I was lost and abandoned ending up homeless and in total poverty)

dm always explained I was the "black sheep" to my siblings, which they as children responded to, and treated me accordingly.

my dsis 2 years younger ,behaved ,as an adult ,as though I was the smell under her nose...I am now nc.... but my dm was the architect of this.

tragedy struck when first dd died unexpectedly when she was just 14, my dm never recovered and died tragically.

this left 4 siblings with the dysfunctional relationship with each other, that continues to this day.

so yes, parents behaviour totally influences siblings relationship in the future.

....well it did to us.

I am one of six and I don't see any of my siblings. I don't think my parents are responsible it's more that when df was alive we were in touch because of him (dm died when most of us were children)
I was never close to any of them and disliked one sister but it's more that I've never felt the need to be in touch.
I don't exactly know where three of them live although I could find them if I wanted to. The other two live only a couple of miles away but I never see them. We don't even send Christmas cards.
I've no regrets, I hated being one of six and it suits me far better not having siblings around. I have five dc of my own who all get along far better than we did as children I hope they will always be in touch.

postcardofagoldenretriever Sounds very similar to my sister yes - oh how she could cry on cue! They're happy to see DS and play with him, or even have him over at their convenience (which is very, very rarely, but they'll keep insisting how they're happy to have him), but we don't actually get any help.

School was definitely similar. Both my siblings were followed up throughout school and had extra tutoring when they needed it (although both had average to above average grades). I spent my last two years completely apathetic to school but was never pushed or questioned about it. I can't remember them ever looking over school stuff for/with me. It pisses me off now that I could've done so much better. And of course it's my own fault for not bothering, but I was a bloody teenager - they could've cared a little bit.

To be fair, they're perfectly happy to help us out financially though, and have bought lots of stuff for DS, but I just feel like I'd rather have the actual affection iykwim? My sister is 25, has her own company and is still regularly sent care packages by my mom. You know, because she cares.