to ask those of you who aren't close to your siblings whether your parents are to blame?

[MinutesOfMeetings]

In RL most of my adult friends with siblings are either very close friends or slightly distant but generally loving. On here I see a lot of posts from people saying they hate their siblings or are not in contact, these posts are especially common on threads debating only-children.

I was an only child so have little insight into sibling dynamics but I now have three kids and would be so sad if they grew up with negative feelings about one another.

Are there things a parent can do to foster a good sibling dynamic? Those of you with bad sibling relationships, do you see it as all down to your sibling's personality or something else?

I'm close to both my brothers even though they live a long way away.

My eldest brother is a very talented musician and got masses of attention for that when we were growing up - scholarship place at Northern College of Music etc etc, and my other brother and I could never measure up. Despite this there is no jealousy between us all and we are genuinely please when something good happens to any of us.

My eldest brother has a career he loves, a happy marriage, 2 fantastic kids, a lovely home in a lovely area and is healthy and happy. My other brother and I don't have any of these things. We are really glad our older brother has such a great life though. I sometimes wonder if it's just good luck if you get on and there's no jealousy etc as certainly nothing was done by our parents (well, our Dad anyhow) to bring this about. Although saying that, it was obvious to us all that Mum loved us all equally regardless of talent/achievements.

I only have one friend who gets on well with her sister, the rest don't seem close to their siblings and I feel really lucky.

I love my brother but I don't get on with him, I used to when we were little and had more in common but not now and that is entirely down to us and not my parents.

They treated us equally, fairly and praised both of us for our individual talents and bollocked us when we were naughty. They had very little money but did their best and I think how we've both grown/reacted to being poor is what divides us

He grew up to be quite materialistic and selfish, who is never happy with his lot. He has got himself into debt many times and has had to be bailed out by my parents for which he is never grateful - he just seems to resent them.
I am frugal, very grateful for what I have and admire my parents for how they managed to bring us up with so little (I have bad points btw just not financially)

So I would just say praise and discipline in equal measures and never make one childs accomplishments seem better than the others (when young) and hope for the best

postcard my heart is broken for you. I am soo sorry. I sympathise a lot. Things are similar for me.

I am one of four and other than my eldest brother who is a bit distant but makes an effort all is good. My DH family however has an amazing amount of resentment bubbling under the surface and it appears to stem from my MIL. My BIL is the favourite, the SIL is constantly criticised for every choice she makes, she has a happy marriage, a lovely family of three kids and a good life but MIL finds nothing but fault with it. BIL however is a fussy lazy sod, always causing problems whilst everyone runs around sorting him out. Worst thing is the favouritism has now moved on to SIL kids. Eldest boy is favourite (again) but she is vicious about her middle granddaughter. She refers to her as 'ruined'. An awful thing to say especially to a young, smart law student who other than being a rude teenager at times has done nothing wrong. My SIL tries her best to keep them apart. Luckily I just had the one boy so he gets to be eldest boy automatically (although BIL's son is clearly smarter, sportier, etc... Blah blah, blah...

My brother and I love each other but are not close, but there's 13 years between us and I moved away from home when I was 17 so it really is down to the age gap. Nothing our parents could have done about that one, although my stepdad and I had a terrible relationship so I guess some of that is in play too.

DH doesn't really speak to his DB. According to DH that's simply because they have nothing in common, but you don't need to be a psychologist to work out its because of terrible parenting from their toxic mother. but easier to say 'ach, we've just nothing in common' than to explore those difficult childhood dynamics.

One brother is one of my best friends and the other, I keep away from - he is damaged and damaging. But, I see two of his ex-es who make our lives so much better.

Favouritism or scapegoating are both forms of emotional abuse. I look at the DSs' Father and family and it is one of my primary reasons for naming someone else as their guardian in the case of my death.

I had a marvellous Mum and a dreadful Father - were they responsible? In part. My Mum did her best and my Dad did irreparable harm to my other brother because he didn't meet his needs. He didn't meet ours either but personality-wise DB1 and I survived intact and DB2 is a mess of a human being/has a personality disorder.

I watch other people now and the ones that I am in awe of are those people who do not go on to repeat the abuse - they haven't lived with a good parent but amazingly become one themselves.

My brother & I dislike each other intensely. My DM played us off against each other as children & she still does this now. However, he is one of the vilest people it has ever been my misfortune to meet so it may be partly her fault but it may just be my low tolerance for twattery.

I think my parents are slightly to blame for my brother and his evil wife's relationship with the rest of the family. My parents are lovely but spineless and have 'allowed' my brother to behave appallingly. I am sure he would be a bit of a shit regardless but they pander to him which makes it worse. They do everything they can to let the rest of us know they don't like his behaviour but are scared to stand up to him.

I'm NC with my sister. In some respects, yes I blame my parents but its mainly down to different personalities, values and opinions. DF and DM were a case of opposites attract with very strong personalities and I'm like DM whereas sister is like DF, and opposites haven't helped here.

My DF is an only child who we're not entirely sure was ever really wanted by his mother. My DM is one of 9, and there are factions within those siblings and her parents very much enjoy playing divide and conquer with them all. DM finds it easier to just not deal with any of them. So maybe neither of them knew how to foster health sibling relations themselves.

Sister isn't a narc but she's very her-focused and is highly manipulative. She always has been. DPs fell for it. It was a very hard day for DM when she caught my sister out (I was late teens and had been telling them the truth for years - was never believed), but by that point they 'couldn't' change the way they treated her. DM had a rough time with sister when I left home and sister moved her manipulation onto DM, but it changed nothing. I've always been expected to fall in line. It took a long time for me to break from that mould. Still now they ask me to forgive her without her apologising or admitting what she has done as 'that's just how she is' and i'm the elder sibling so I should apparently...

A bit long sorry, but where it is mainly different personalities I do feel my parents are somewhat to blame, and probably their parents, and it probably all goes back and back. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that my two will stay on friendly terms if nothing else.

mine is mostly due to parents my sister and i were raised to compete for moms affection i personally couldn't be bothered so she got it all i got the blame for everything and did resent it my dad worked 12 hour night shifts for 20 years he really didnt notice anything what went on in the house as adults my sis continued to compete and be nasty anytime she could for example she received the invite to my uncles wedding inviting us both she told me nothing they got offended and still hardly speak to me (they could have sent me an invite to my address but did not) then there were boyfriend competitions she wanted whoever was interested or my boyfriend/fiance would try her hardest to get them to be with her not me it all came to a head when she went after my kids father my now husband she was told no (by him) tried again told no (impolitely this time) she spent months trying for him in the end she got banned from the wedding and ive not seen her since

readrunrave thank you! It's a bit rubbish, isn't it I thought I had dealt with it before I had children, but since then all my old wounds seem to have reopened with the way they've all treated me when I was vulnerable and needed some kindness.

You're from a similar family dynamic?

I am an only child mother of 4, so finding this interesting. My 3 older DDs are v.close in age and all played happily together. Now they are in their teens and early 20s, on the rare occasion they are all in the same room together they chat and laugh away together perfectly well. One will occasionally gripe to me about one of the others, but it's the same petty stuff from when they were primary age! ''Oh mum, X has worn MY top again! Tell her ...''.

I have tried/am trying to be a fair mum to them all. I wonder what they would say if asked? I would love them all to feel that they 'have each other' as they go through life.

I'm not close to my brother mainly because he is a selfish, grabby, self centred arse. Everything has to be about him, in the past I've helped him out hugely I even went as far to buy him a passport, paid for 2 holidays, gave him spending money. Our situations have changed and I'm unemployed now, I asked him for a loan of £10 and he said no he doesn't lend money out!? Last week our mother was in hospital and despite him having a car didn't visit once I had to fork out £20 for bus fares its a 15 mile trip there then back again. Countless other thing he is the golden boy who can do no wrong! On a recent holiday with my dad, uncle, aunt they spent a good few hours taking the piss out of me which he had great delight in telling me.

Hard to tell. My mother always insisted that I 'look after' my younger sister. Being of a rather literal frame of mind I probably took this too far, but I was scared of displeasing my mother. DSis clearly resented this, although I didn't know this until in her 30s she told me that all her life she had felt guilty because she had a sister she couldn't love (me).
She told me to keep out of her life and that she would call the shots from then on.
I apologised for everything I could think of that I might have done wrong and asked her to forgive me. She apologised for ... nothing.
Many years later she is true to her word. She invites me to events with her family when she wants to play 'happy families' but I have learnt now not to go unless I really want to.
I also realised that if we met on a level playing field, ie not as siblings, we would never become friends.

DH and his brother have a strained relationship. BIL was brought up to believe he was far superior to DH, but has been sadly disappointed by his clever, sucessful younger brother who remains in a happy marriage!

The most obvious thing to do is to treat your children fairly. However, I don't think that guarantees they will get on. I have three female friends who all dislike their brothers. I don't think it is anything their parents have done- one says they have just grown up very differently, one dislikes the person her brother is, and the other just says they have nothing in common.

Yes, my mother picked Dsis as the golden child. The resulting favouritism has left me and DBro with no relationship with our sister as she still thinks she is the most important family member.

I'm not sure whether it's down to the parents, but me and my db are like totally different.. And he's my best friend. He is 3 years younger than me (I'm currently 22- he's 19) and we had it pretty rough towards the end of our childhood. Parents had a messy divorce, forced contact with our dad which we hated, then our mum fell horrifically ill and nearly died, was in hospital for a year, I looked after db as no one else was around to do so. I honestly think that the situation was make or break for our relationship but I'm so so glad that we get on, and my 18mo dd loves him so so much, makes me smile just thinking about it

Conclusion? No idea if parenting makes a difference, I think it will only 'work' if you could have been friends if you wernt related, which isn't the case with most siblings, so it ends up feeling forced?

I do blame my parents that they raised me and my older sister to hate each other. She had to look after me, be responsible for me, be a role model etc. and i was expected to obey her, look up to her and treat her as an authority figure. Hell yes

My mother has invested a significant amount of time trying to ensure that the four of us don't speak. Three of us got together a few years ago and compared notes. Mother is furious, she has only one child now that speaks to her, and he is an untrustworthy, bullying narcissist, just like her. She in turn recognises this and is furious, but still manipulates and uses him. It would be funny if it weren't so fucking awful.

I am the youngest of four children. I get on really well with my two brothers. I do not get on with my eldest sister who is a narc. Her behaviour is nothing to do with the way we were treated as children as even my mum often says she doesn't know why my sister behaves the way she does.

I have one sister. We have absolutely nothing in common and speak once a year at Christmas.

When my parents were alive they tried many many times to get us together. It definitely wasn't their fault.

Postcard - a lot of what you post reminds me of me as a child.. always to blame because poor DB could never be at fault Came to a head when DBs dog went for my DD and without even asking me what happened, DM told me I was selfish for wanting DB to apologise.

Me and DB don't really talk anymore as he has gone through life expecting everyone to back him up and fight his battles for him (despite now being in his 40s) which does make me sad as we used to get on so well. I realise this is because I also had him on a pedestal and after the dog incident, the scales fell and I just don't want him in my life.

So, in short , my parents fostered behaviour that shaped my DB and I into certain patterns which it was an unwritten rule, you didn't break. I would like to think we'll be close again as I do still love him but he is not perfect and I am not the cause of all wrongs in our relationship