to ask those of you who aren't close to your siblings whether your parents are to blame?

[MinutesOfMeetings]

In RL most of my adult friends with siblings are either very close friends or slightly distant but generally loving. On here I see a lot of posts from people saying they hate their siblings or are not in contact, these posts are especially common on threads debating only-children.

I was an only child so have little insight into sibling dynamics but I now have three kids and would be so sad if they grew up with negative feelings about one another.

Are there things a parent can do to foster a good sibling dynamic? Those of you with bad sibling relationships, do you see it as all down to your sibling's personality or something else?

im not close to my brother at all. Weve accepted we dont like each other.

I dont think its my mums fault, although my brother always had issues, and my father was violent with my brother(his stepson) but not me, and while my brother was initially besotted with me as a baby, he very soon felt completely the black sheep. He also had to go to a boarding school for the deaf (no mainstream ed available) which made him feel even more pushed out, and he resented me more and more, as i ended up kind of the golden child, which then made me a real good girl, frightened to be badly behaved etc.

Its all messed up. We tried to be friends for years, but I was always walking on eggshells around him and he blatantly hates me even when he tries to be polite. I havent got the energy for it, so we're just not in contact, but I wish him well etc.

My mil had her eldest son on a pedastal he was the man of the house she was a single parent bil ego is huge and he and my dh despise each other, dh used to do everything for his mum and bil would grace her with his presence and he was the blue eyed boy she told me once there is always a bond that's different with your first born, so yes I think family dynamics affect sibling relationships, huge age gap between me and my sister we get on fine but its a generational thing she was incredibley spoiled but I was old enough not to resent her,

Their will always will be children you get on better however I do think it's part of parenting not to let that show blatant favertism is bad parenting in my view

Siblings relationships are just like any other relationship- you either get along or you just don't. You don't have to get on with them and spend time with them just because you're a product of the same parents (or at least were brought up by the same parents.)

My DM has two brothers. She gets along very well with the younger one and spends a lot of time with him, his DP and DN. She has nothing in common with the older one and his DW so they only communicate at family get togethers or events. There's no bad blood between them, they're just incompatible people.

My DB is six years younger than me and IMO that gap is too large. He was a very badly behaved preschooler and only started to act with a bit of decency when he was six, by that time I was going through puberty and had zero interest in forming a relationship with him. As a result now I didn't even recognise him in the street a few months ago, I doubt we'll ever be close.

You can't force any relationship just because you're related. I don't have anything in common with my mother so don't see much of her either. It seems weird to people who absolutely adore their family and are extremely close but if I don't get along with someone or don't like someone that's just how it is, I'm not going to pretend to just because they're 'blood'.

My brother and I are chalk and cheese, our parents at least keep us updated about the other.

There is really nothing they coukd have done to improve it.

Sadly I can also see this happening with my son his bio dad has never really bothered with him in 10 years he has two new children one 8 and one 1 and my soon deeply resents them when my sons constantly hearing what new game or toy my ex has brought them when my son has not so much received a card

I'm not close to my brother. We get on fine but rarely see each other (or phone, email etc) except at family gatherings organised by our parents.

Not my parents' fault. We were close as children although we fought a lot (only 18 months difference in age), but as adults we don't have much in common.

My brother was a frightful bully when we were growing up. He is six years older than me, and treated me with utter contempt. He was nasty and violent, and enjoyed making me cry.
My mum turned a blind eye to it...I think it was easier to tell herself it was normal, than consider her son to be a bit of a sadist.

My brother and I get on well now, we have a good relationship, but while I am fond of him, I wouldn't say I love him. I don't seek him out, and we have little to do with one another's lives. I have never forgotten how horrible he was, and even if he feels bad about it now (which I think he does), it doesn't alter the fact that his abuse had a knock on effect on me growing up and he will never be forgiven for that.

My mum was a great mum, but she got that wrong. She should not have allowed him to treat me the way he did.

My own kids aren't allowed to fight/bully/hit/namecall/torment/provoke at all. They are all close so far, and warm and affectionate to one another most of the time

My mum is 1 of 8 she is the youngest girl she didnt know 2 of her siblings growing up they married and moved away she gets on well with them and the older ones still treat her like a little girl when they meet which I think is quite sweet really as she is in her 60s and they are late 70s 80

I'm the eldest of three.

We don't have a bad relationship but we're not close and can go months without speaking, however if my db turned up at my house unexpectedly we'dget on like a house on fire, my ds' s and him are fabulous together.

My mum left us when we were young and I know my dad wishes me, db and dsis were closer.

Not sure if it's anyone's fault but I know that my Mother invites db and dsis to get togethers at her house, it doesn't bother me that we're not invited tbh. I've always been the scapegoat.

One of the things that does always make me go is a poster who will tell you that they are demonised by the entire world, that they cannot maintain friendships, family ties or personal relationships. I just think, "it might be your personality traits that make you unlikeable".

There was a lot of pressure for my brother and I to get along from my mum. I know her family growing up wasn't a nice one but her trying to force us into something she thinks we should be, made things worse.

I could never be myself. I had to fit in with her ideal and that included with how I acted with my brother. HE on the other hand got away with murder. The resentment just grew from there. I can't even talk to him now without wanting to punch him. After being told by everyone he "has a wise head on young shoulders" he thinks he knows everything - it's impossible to have a decent conversation with him. So I gave up.

Even just thinking about having to have a conversation with him winds me up.

I used to be very close to my siblings. I hosted Christmas for the whole family for many years, including our parents.

Then mum decided she didn't like my son and was nasty to him at every opportunity, even crowing openly when he was told off. Things came to a head one Christmas and that was the end of family gatherings. The rest of the family go to CenterParcs every year... we are no longer invited.

My son was just a toddler when she decided she didn't like him. He's now 14 and she's a little better with him, but I think that is because he has the confidence and intelligence to stand up for himself.

The whole situation makes me very sad as I have to see my siblings separately now. The worst of it is, my son is very family orientated and misses the gatherings very much.

In fact, before I stopped talking to her she was still piling the pressure on by telling me I had to "make sure he was ok and had everything and that we still talk" when she dies. He's in his 30's at the moment.

WTF?

(sorry, I know there would be a few posts after my last one to this one)

dsis and I fought like cat and dog as children. even as adults I felt disconnected from her. she was too different me. different political views and harsher outlook on life etc.

I was the golden child (I realise hindsight) always deemed honest, trustworthy and forbearing.

It turns out, dsis was all if these things too. Her misbehaviour was almost certainly as a result of feeling second best. For example she always wanted and craved THINGS because material objects were almost as good as genuine affection. She needed to feel loved.

As adults I got to know her all over again (through her efforts to reconnect, not mine) and she is brilliant. We are still different in political views but have total respect for our differences.

I couldn't ask for a better sister. I still feel sad that her childhood was marred by feeling unloved I think we are making up for it now. As I say, she is brilliant.

I don't get on that well with my siblings, especially my (younger) sister - mainly because my parents' favouritism (though they always deny it and get very angry if you mention it). My sister (and younger brother to some extent) were massively indulged, whereas I as the oldest was made very responsible for things (including my parents' awful relationship) at a young age. This continues to this day, eg. my patents doing masses of childcare for my sister and during on her children whilst seeing my DC only rarely....they give (and always have done) my sister a lot of practical and financial help but are quite aggressive with me - they were very angry with me that I had a bad birth and PND for example, and kept making aggressive comments about how my sister had managed with her babies much better, had them in a routine, was up and about in Sainsburys the morning after her second baby (I had an emergency rotational forceps delivery with no pain relief and couldn't walk properly for two months but got a lot of comments about how helpless and lazy I was compared to her - thanks mum and dad :/)

I would say my parents created a bad relationship between my sister and I from very early on, because they never bothered to find out what was going on in a situation, they just blamed me as the elder child. Now I am not saying I was an angel, but I have generally a quite shy and quiet disposition whereas my sister is naturally quite like my mum - volatile and has a temper (and can be a bit spiteful). She used to get at me a lot as a child and is still given to nasty personal comments - she would push buttons and push buttons (she was a literal pincher as a child), and then have a meltdown when I eventually reacted and my parents would automatically blame me, no matter what she had said or done to contribute to an argument. I had a very intense sense of fairness and felt very angry as a child that my parents indulged her behaviour even when very extreme whilst punishing me for any arguments. I resolved that this would be one thing I never did with my DC. It creates serious long-term problems in a family if you get into a pattern of indulging one child at the expense of another.

My parents still do this completely automatically, no matter how egregious the thing is that my sister has said - for example, I was staying with them recently and my sister arrived worked up about something and as a way of letting off steam started to make personal remarks at me (more precisely, shouting at me that breastfeeding my 2 yo toddler was "disgusting" and having PND was all my own fault). I got quite upset about this, ended up crying and saying it was none of her business. My dad, who hadn't even heard the conversation, ran into the room and jabbed his finger right into my face saying "you're in the wrong, shut up, you're in the wrong". No matter what my sister says or does, it's like their inbuilt response is to blame me - as a result she has always gotten away with some of the most nasty behaviour you can think of. My brother doesn't get the same response as he's younger again and me, so it tends to be me who ends up the family scapegoat all the time.

My schoolfriends and several former partners all noticed how differently my parents treat me and my younger siblings, as it's quite obvious if you spend any time around my family.

I have been in therapy for this but it seems to have got worse again after my siblings and I had children - my parents seem to be perpetuating it by favouring my sister's children which makes me very sad for my DC.

Anyway, OP, don't do what my parents did if you want to avoid entrenching sibling divides! :)

I'm the middle of five siblings, all grown up now.

I'm closet to my eldest sister and we have a lot in common and have days out together (we all think she was our mums favourite but nothing outwardly obvious when we were growing up)
I rarely see my next older sister, I just don't agree with her opinions, find her attitude grating etc. I'm in my 50's and she still talks to me like I'm 10.
My younger sister I'm close to and get on with quite well.
My younger brother I rarely see or speak to, I find his negativity and woe is me attitude quite draining.

I'm not close to my older brother, and there are a number of factors in this, some of which with hindsight are down to my parents. When we were children I was regularly told that conduct that was, with hindsight, low-level bullying was "just teasing" and I should learn to put up with it. OTOH, I do think with hindsight that he also had a fairly shitty deal - they were stricter with him as the oldest, and because we lived abroad when he was 11 he went to a boarding school which seems to have been fairly awful. But overall, the truth is that we just don't have that much in common.

So, no, I don't think my parents were to blame, its just how we've all grown up and the people we've grown into and the personalities we've got.

Distant relationship due to parents having favourites, parents failing to step in when I was being bullied by siblings and finally failing to give me attention or spend time with me alone.

No dislike or hatred here, just very distant. I think it's a personality / interest thing. We honestly have absolutely no common ground at all. Goodness knows why, can't see how our parents could have influenced that to be honest.

I am NC with my only brother, nearly 2 yrs older than me but physically, emotionally and sexually abusive when we were children. I don't think my parents influenced that, I think my brother is a sociopath.

I found the strength to go NC without really fully disclosing to my DDad the reasons why because Christmas 2011, my brother sent me a text thanking me for a family gift for him and his second wife and stepson. But then the text said sth like "We've decided not to send out family gifts to those that don't keep in touch." Okay, you prick, then send back the £80 worth of gifts you've just received from DH and I.

That was the day I told DH exactly why I hate my brother, when he'd always just thought he was a bit of a prick but harmless enough. I don't think DH could be in the same room as him now.

Tellingly, my ex-SiL, who divorced my brother in 2002 says that their marriage was very much like my childhood but I only knew that after their divorce and she had remarried, to the husband she really deserves. I AM in contact with ex-SiL and her family, which includes my DNiece and DNephew, DSNephew.

I'm not close to my siblings I don't like the adults they have become. they are selfish and an emotional and financial drain on me and are not there whenever I have needed anything. I wouldn't choose to have them in my life if we weren't related. I spent years accepting the way they behaved towards me as they were family but I've had enough this year and we no longer speak.

In a way I can see how our bad upbringing has affected them and our parents always favoured one over the other but I don't blame them for the rift

I think its definitely parenting. Im best friends with my sibling and we do everything together. Always did and always will.