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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to talk sh*t whilst drunk and expect dh not to be annoyed?

61 replies

crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 00:09

backstory:

me and dh have been having a difficult time of late. I have been suffering from depression etc. tonight we actually managed to have a pleasant night out at a gig/jazz club but walking home I thought of the song "get your motor running" and said "wouldn't it be fun if we got a motorbike and we could take off whenever we wanted!" and he said "I have No interest in getting a motorbike".

However I was only really "imagineering" IYKWIM? and I said "just humour me will you?" because i said I have been depressed and sometimes it is fun to think outside the box etc... I don't really even want a motor bike if you see, it was just the idea that was exhilarating and cheered me up.. does that even make sense?

But he keeps saying that he "will not go along with things he doesn't agree with just to humour me" and then he said that we are "fundamentally incompatible" - (we have been going out for 14 years and married for 4! surely he would have noticed this before!!)

anyway AIBU or is he????

OP posts:
lettertoherms · 27/07/2014 00:15

Have a sleep and think it all through tomorrow, not now.

JudysPriest · 27/07/2014 00:16

I think YABU.

If DH said to me, we should learn to clog dance, I wouldn't agree just because he was pissed.

What he said after is more concerning though. Do you think you are incompatible?

cees · 27/07/2014 00:21

Oh YABU just a tiny bit, he wasn't in the same frame of mind as you but that's ok. No need to row over it, really it isn't that bad but him telling you you aren't compatable needs further questioning but that can wait til you both have had some space and sleep.

AgentZigzag · 27/07/2014 00:27

I've said similar to DH about getting a bike when we're free to roam across Europe as/when.

He agreed it'd be great.

But in reality both of us would hate the cold uncomfortable mind numbing tedium that is going on a long ride out somewhere.

But it's nice to pretend sometimes, it gives you possibilities of what your future can look like, and IMO it's really important to imagine positive things happening if you have depression just because it's so easy to slip into seeing no point in anything.

The words he's using says to me that he's doing it on purpose to hurt you. It's not as though you were on the brink of buying the fucking bike, you were just trying to share something with him.

It doesn't sound as though he wants a part of it, I'd leave him to it and roar off on the bike with a bloke 10 years your junior, that'll learn him Wink

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 00:29

Thanks I will sleep on it... but why does it p*ss him off so much???

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 27/07/2014 00:42

"will not go along with things he doesn't agree with just to humour me" and then he said that we are "fundamentally incompatible"

Hmm. This might be not about the motorbike, or the imagination. This might be about the conversation he's been putting off having. This is a rested and sober conversation. Good luck Crash.

AgentZigzag · 27/07/2014 00:46

That must really hurt, him saying you're fundamentally incompatible, it's pretty final isn't it?

Why would you stay with someone who felt that about your relationship?

Even though I know it's never as easy as that, but thinking about if my DH said it to me, I'd be devastated, but wouldn't feel as though I had a choice about staying together.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 01:01

I think we are incompatible when it comes to his particular aspect... but not in others. Is this a dealbreaker? Sometimes I feel I have to censor myself a bit and other times I feel he is the only person I can truly be myself with.. all this has just come up at a bad time! stupid really!

now however i am trying to think of things from his perspective. if he said (for example) "wouldn't it be fun to swim the english channel?" i would say "no" without hesitation!! so maybe IABU?? however maybe I could say "what appeals to you about that?" and he could say.. the challenge etc and then i would understand and take an interest without necessarily agreeing..maybe that's where I/we are going wrong!?

So complicated!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 27/07/2014 01:07

I wonder how much of your 'depression' is down to living with a man who thinks you are basically somewhere between a naughty tiresome child and a domestic pet that needs to be trained to know its place.

kawliga · 27/07/2014 01:12

What was his tone of voice? Because laughing and saying 'fuck that, I would never swim the English Channel if you paid me!' is playing along and joining the fun. Putting on a cross voice and saying 'no I am not interested in swimming' is just mean. You were obviously saying it lightheartedly so it's about joining in whether he agrees/disagrees.

Wonc · 27/07/2014 01:12

Oh I say all sorts of shite when I've had a few.
DH smiles and plays along and has the grace never to remind me of it the next day.

Sorry OP. Was he just in a grump?

AgentZigzag · 27/07/2014 01:14

That's the thing isn't it? It all depends on how it's said.

If DH said 'wouldn't it be fun to swim the english channel' I'd laugh and ask him WTF he's on about before digging his life insurance out to see whether it was worth encouraging him or not.

'"I have no interest in swimming the english channel" isn't an answer in the same vein as the question/context IYSWIM? That's more of an answer to a political campaigner asking who you're going to vote for, you were relaxed and lightheartedly chatting and he took it too seriously.

OK, he might not have an interest in getting a bike, but you did at that particular time. Is he saying you can only talk about things he's interested in and that are here/now/are actually going to happen?

kawliga · 27/07/2014 01:23

Answering a drunk person seriously is just cruel, who does that. The whole point of drinking is for everybody to lighten up. YANBU.

Was he drunk too? When you bring it up tomorrow he'll be like 'motorbike? what? when? I didn't say that!'

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 01:34

yes he had had a drink as well...

Tbh I have always just thought I was an annoying/flake (and maybe i am) and he kept me grounded. or maybe it is a "mars/venus" or even "virgo (him)/pisces (me)" thing if both these concepts aren't total cr*p

thanks for all your comments. it seems like my kind, loyal dh may also be a mean, infantalising, humourless grump..

i am f*cked basically!

OP posts:
TheSameBoat · 27/07/2014 01:38

It sounds like you do have a fundamental incompatibility in the sense of humour department. The way I see it you don't want him to say "yes let's get a motorbike", you just want him to join you in your silliness. Instead he's being a killjoy and treating you like an errant child who should not be indulged.

Do you find yourself getting sillier in response to his seriousness, and vice versa for him? Is he someone who is unable to make small talk?

kawliga · 27/07/2014 01:38

you might feel better in the morning and both laugh about it.

RJnomore · 27/07/2014 01:47

I would say YANBU.

But I live imagining with DH. I love talking things through I know we will never do. I cannot imagine a life where he shuts my futurehops down so harshly and blankly.

Maybe it is incompatibility maybe he can't see beyond the ends of his nose or has no dreams or hopes.it doesn't mean there is a flaw in you.

Homebird8 · 27/07/2014 02:36

I have always just thought I was an annoying/flake

What on earth would make you think that? Do you feel that only the very forbearing would put up with you and even then you might let them down?

Does DH make you think that?

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 02:51

yes Homebird thanks for asking. I do have self esteem issues, sadly, which I believe were around before we met, although it was so long ago and i was only 22 then... but Dh does make me feel bad when I "go off into the realms of fantasy.."

I think he might actually prefer me better when I am slightly p*ssed off because I am less fanciful/ebullient/demanding (which he would describe as annoying I think...

can't believe I am writing this! btw he is 20 years older than me.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 27/07/2014 03:17

Is him being 20 years older significant do you think?

It kind of goes along with what TheSameBoat posted ' Instead he's being a killjoy and treating you like an errant child who should not be indulged'.

Some people are quite literal and prefer to slot the world in black and white categories, any grey areas that only exist in someone's head throw them off balance a bit . (Just out of the people I know they're usually into science and very anti-religion.)

But then there are others who are tossers just because.

Maybe he's a bit cynical and doesn't want to give imagining things he knows he's not going to do any headspace?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/07/2014 04:09

I think if he's managed to get himself a lovely wife 20 years his junior he ought to be counting his blessings and letting you talk about whatever the hell you like after a few drinks.

Homebird8 · 27/07/2014 05:45

Sorry Crash for phrasing that badly. It sounds as if you have a lower opinion of yourself than would be indicated by the fun and imaginative personality you have describe to go with a "pleasant night out". I'd quite like to spend and evening out with someone who was happy to express a little exuberant thinking and would find your DH's "I have No interest..." response quite annoying and his "fundamentally incompatible" comment flaky. So it's a matter of viewpoint really.

After 18 years of being together you will have been through a fair amount with each other. A fundamental incompatibility would have been discovered over something much bigger than a motorbike daydream surely.

You've worked out that he makes you feel bad when you stop being put in your place and dare to dream a little. Has this always been the case? Are you harder to squash now you're the best part of two decades older? Or is it easier for him now and more entertaining to see how much he can control your mood?

I'm not sure the 20 years between you is irrelevant. The dynamics of a 42/22 mix are very different from a 60/40 mix. Are the issues changing for you or are there simply no issues to do with this age difference?

You said things haven't been easy in your relationship recently. How would you like that to resolve? How would DH?

Loads of questions because I don't simply want to jump to conclusions. Too many standard MN responses rolling round in my head and it's not helpful to go down a path without evidence.

Hope you've got some sleep and that you get away without a headache in the morning.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/07/2014 07:15

Well homebirds response was better than mine.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 07:39

agent zigzag -yes he is very rational and anti religious! i do think it is something about his brain that can't deal with chat about things that "haven't yet happened".

homebird and amandaC - thanks for your comments. I think there is a lot going on for us relationship wise as we have been ttcing for 1 year with no luck and i am v stressed. i suppose i am thinking that if no dc appear and it is just us then we will need to do more "fun stuff" to make up for it... but he doesn't do "fun stuff conversations". sorry i am not really explaining well as didn't sleep last night

and dh is up and about now with a face like thunder. this is rubbish... so fed up about everything tbh.

thanks for taking an interest however, it means to much.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/07/2014 07:47

If you want to have children you might want to have a serious think about whether he is the one to have them with.
Anyone can be annoyed/ annoying when out drinking. Have to be forgiving of each other. But if his M.O is to belittle you when you're having fun then that will not improve when you're pants. Having children is very testing on relationships and you don't need someone bringing you down when you're trying to make a stable and happy home for your children.
I may be reading too much into this or speaking out of turn but I wonder how much his behaviour is contributing to your depression tbh.
Good luck with everything.