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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to talk sh*t whilst drunk and expect dh not to be annoyed?

61 replies

crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 00:09

backstory:

me and dh have been having a difficult time of late. I have been suffering from depression etc. tonight we actually managed to have a pleasant night out at a gig/jazz club but walking home I thought of the song "get your motor running" and said "wouldn't it be fun if we got a motorbike and we could take off whenever we wanted!" and he said "I have No interest in getting a motorbike".

However I was only really "imagineering" IYKWIM? and I said "just humour me will you?" because i said I have been depressed and sometimes it is fun to think outside the box etc... I don't really even want a motor bike if you see, it was just the idea that was exhilarating and cheered me up.. does that even make sense?

But he keeps saying that he "will not go along with things he doesn't agree with just to humour me" and then he said that we are "fundamentally incompatible" - (we have been going out for 14 years and married for 4! surely he would have noticed this before!!)

anyway AIBU or is he????

OP posts:
SanityClause · 27/07/2014 08:00

Hmm. People who have been drinking can be annoying, and say annoying things. Equally, people who have been drinking can be a bit grouchy and intolerant.

So, last night could just have been a combination of those two things......if it weren't for his thunderous face this morning.

You must have been very young when you first got together. I wonder if you have been used to accepting that his way is better, because he is older. But, now you're a bit older, yourself, you have more confidence in your own thoughts and feelings. You don't feel you need to defer to him as much. Perhaps you have outgrown him? And perhaps he preferred the old dynamic of knowing you were in your place?

Keep posting, if you need to, bandicoot. It could be a boozy tiff, but it could easily be the symptom of something more fundamental.

SisterMcKenzie · 27/07/2014 08:06

OP I just said to my half asleep DH...

"Hun can be just sell the house, chuck in our jobs, buy a huge Winnebago, take the kids and head off into the sunset. The cat can sleep on the dash, our dog will be there too"

He started smiling and nodding vigorously, then fell back asleep. Grin

Your DH sounds like a humourless twat, who is not so much grounding you as drowning you!

Start looking for an exit, you should be allowed to be you and not stifled.

No wonder you're depressed.

PigletJohn · 27/07/2014 08:07

Drunk people can be quite tiresome.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 08:15

thanks sanity. tbh i am constantly questioning if we should be together. i am quite bored in our relationship but have to take some responsibility as haven't made an effort as have been busy with work etc. i suppose part of me thinks that a younger man would be more "fun"? but dh is kind, loyal, stable, intelligent etc so should i throw all this away for "fun"? not sure! also at 34 i feel that i can't be chopping and changing partners as my biological clock is deafening me! (nb just to say that we have been together for 10 years and married for 4 of those so only 10/12 years since we me when I was 22 and he was 41).

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 08:22

hey sister and piglet - two very opposing comments!

sister - your dh didn't roll his eyes heavenward? that is what I would have received at best...

piglet - i do know that drunk people are annoying when you are sober but didn't think it was as much a problem when you both are.... ?

OP posts:
SisterMcKenzie · 27/07/2014 08:23

Hmm it's not kind to put you down and say your fundamentally incompatible

Sounds like you've been with sooo long and from such a young age you have bit of Stockholm syndrome.

He's ready for his pension and expects you to the same too.

Get your motor running girl!!!!

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 08:23

ps sister - your dh sounds great!

OP posts:
SisterMcKenzie · 27/07/2014 08:27

DH just said as give him a pipe and slippers when you leave Grin

carlywurly · 27/07/2014 08:38

He sounds like a total fun gutter.
Please don't think this is all you deserve.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 08:42

sister - in many ways i agree but i am so worried that i will regret leaving. i could end up homeless and childless quite easily. or maybe i am being too negative and it is me that is lacking in imagination...

thanks again.

ps i do love dh, he is the most honest and genuine man i have ever met. sorry i am flip flopping. i need to speak to a counsellor i think.

also dh has softened slightly. he was playing a bit with our dog in the bedroom (she was rolling on her back and wanting her tummy tickeled) and I joined in and he was pleasant enough for a brief moment.

lastly part of me is worried about if we were lucky enough to have a dh i wouldn't know how to act as there probably has been a bit of a parent/child dynamic in our relationship due to the age and personality difference. basically he is "howard moon" and i am "vince noir" (if you watch the mighty bush). and i think part of me is conflicted because i wouldn't know how to be a mother when i still feel like a child in this relationship. i really can't picture it!! however i do like the fact that dh is stable and looks after me..

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 08:45

*dc not dh (last para)

sister - i love how your dh is commenting on this thread.. good to get a man's perspective too!!

OP posts:
SisterMcKenzie · 27/07/2014 08:58

he was pleasant enough for a brief moment

Good grief that's good enough for you!?!
He's worth it because he was nice to the dog for a minute or so!

crash I would repost what you are saying here with a different title in relationships

Maybe a title like "DH says, We are fundamentally incompatible"

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 09:00

sister - you are right this has become a bit more complex than i thought it would and too much AIBU.

thanks tho.

OP posts:
SisterMcKenzie · 27/07/2014 09:06

Good Luck OP Smile

Wink
Homebird8 · 27/07/2014 09:20

Yikes. If DH can't tolerate the occasional fantasy world of a full grown woman whom he loves, how will he cope with imaginary friends, and Santa, and "you cut my toast the wrong way?" and crying for no reason?

If the best he can do is "pleasant enough for a brief moment" then I wouldn't want to DTD let alone TTC.

Regarding your age and biological clock, in the midst of a relationship within which you are starting to feel like a child and incapable of knowing how to be a mother, I would seriously think about whether the TTC is about you and DH sharing in the upbringing of a wonderful and unique DC or whether it is the 'throw a six to start' to fulfil a 'one day I will be a mother' dream.

I sound harsh but really I'm sad. Sad that you feel unable to share your true personality unless you are drunk enough to put that aside until morning. Sad that you don't feel able to know that you are an adult within this relationship, of all relationships, which should be supportive of everything you can be. Sad that some sense of 'stable' is enough to put 'you' aside for and with any hope of fun sent the same way.

It's ok to want to enjoy life. It's ok to be unsure about how motherhood will be. It's ok to work through communication problems.

It's not ok to take the sole responsibility for all this whilst treading on eggshells around someone who has a 'face like thunder' over something he wants to make into a stick to beat you with.

Here are some Thanks because I think you could do with some sign of being cared about today.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 09:29

thanks Homebird that is so kind of you!

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 09:34

sorry i posted too soon... yes Homebird i have loads to think about and no chrystal ball. all i know is that i will have 20/20 hindsight... at some point.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 27/07/2014 09:40

Whoever is right or wrong, why on earth are you TTC based on this snapshot of your life? It sounds like an utter disaster.

PintOfWine · 27/07/2014 09:41

Why do you think you would be homeless if you left your husband? Perhaps work on being more self sufficient financially? I agree with him, btw. Based on your few posts, you seem to have created stereotypes in your relationship early on and a decade later, it's all getting a bit ridiculous. You acting like the wild, young, spontaneous, fun, sexy woman. Him the stable, sensible, "rock" that grounds you.... You're in your mid 30s, he's soon coming up on retirement. Reality check.

backbystealth · 27/07/2014 09:42

Do you have children? Apologies if already said, I can't find it.

I'm sorry you suffer depression Thanks

backbystealth · 27/07/2014 09:45

Sorry I've just seen. I really would not have a baby in this relationship.

Life and parenthood is hard enough without the 'foundation' of a very wobbly marriage where there is not enough love, respect and compromise.

I can tell you now you WILL split up.

It's not fair on a child. Marriages break down - kids survive. But actually knowing you don't really want to be with each other and bringing a child into that situation - no.

SaucyJack · 27/07/2014 09:57

If you were pissed and he was sober, then YABU. I love my DP to death, but there's nothing more irritating than having to listen to him talking absolute twaddle when he's had more than a couple , and I'm completely on my face.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 27/07/2014 09:59

pintofwine - there is probably some truth in what u are saying about cliches/roles we have found.ourselves in.

i used to think we would be a really good team as parents tho. everything has just gotten really bad due to the strain of ttcing.

I probably need to grow up and take charge of my future happiness.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 27/07/2014 10:05

I love my drunken rambles, DH have said I come up with some pretty illogical ideas.

Kitsmummy · 27/07/2014 10:08

My exDH used to always talk about stuff he wanted when he was drunk. It was all out of reach and made me feel like he wasn't happy with our life which he wasn't so now he's an ex.

Could it be that you always seem never quite content with how things are?