To think care needs should be a family decision not just the patient?

[mossycat]

Should my infirm FIL's wish to be discharged home and refusing help
be met at all costs when it's apparent MIL couldn't cope with his care and all he did for three weeks was sit in a silent room struggling with administering his drugs and hooking up his PEG?

That depends on wether your FIL has the mental capacity to make such decisions.

When i worked in the community i saw this alot.

Elderly people expecting family to care for them when they worked full time etc.

It causes resentment.

Your MIL needs to have an assessment from Social Services and the medical team as to whether his needs can be met at home.

Quite often people will struggle along at home and end up back in hospital a few times before they admit that they won't be able to manage. It can take a while to come to terms with it.

Could they manage at home with carers and a district nurse visiting?

If he is mentally capable then there is nothing any HCP can do.

Hospitals are not prison and legally no doctor or nurse can keep a person in hospital against their wishes ( unless a person is sectioned under the mental Heath act)

I know it is frustrating.

He needs a care plan.

Sorry to hear of your family worries. Not a nice time for anyone. Is FIL considered of sound mind? Has anyone spoken to him regarding MIL's struggle?

Yanbu at all. I think that sometimes the patient can become unreasonable and be almost blind to how things are affecting those around them. I say this having seen it through my work and as previous personal experience as a young carer. They don't mean to, and in some ways they're quite right to be selfish, but sometimes they need a good talking to!

Big hugs x

Has he been assessed as having the mental capacity to make that decision? Because if he has, then hens entitled to make it and choose the consequence of that decision. Have you as a family discussed the problem with FiL and MiL? There should at least be some sort of meeting with all parties (including family) to discuss your FIL wishes and how they can best be met.

I am there with my dad at the minute.

Unfortunately, because I am not next of kin, it's him and my mum they talk to re care needs. And both of them minimise and minimise and more minimise how much help he actually needs. They are bumbling through and not getting the help on offer.

I've tried talking to them, the nurses have talked to them, but they just don't think they need carers. Plus they don't want a stranger coming into the house to do personal things like he needs help with.

Which means it falls to me. I'm the only child close enough to help, and I work full time and have a teenaged DD. It certainly isn't easy.

BUT at the end of the day. Dad is compos mentis and able to make his own decisions and I don't have the right to take that away from him. The day is coming soon enough when it will have to happen and that will be tons worse.

Really feel for you Hun. I'd try talking to a few charities for some advice. They may be able to give you some ideas as to next steps to ease the strain on you all. Or maybe look into other things that could be paid for and they might allow (cleaner, those easy meal companies), not ideal I know but just a suggestion that may be worth looking at.

Thanks for all advice. FIL has his wits about him- As far as sitting in a silent room not TV,radio, can be. He's been in and out of hosp since October. It's just so hard to see mil, family caving in. He has no quality of life. We've got a meeting arranged with hosp soon. But I'm not really sure want we can ask for. I know he's not managing meds, or feeds, just has a flannel wash. To me that doesn't seem an acceptable existence?

My FiL was like this. He kept discharging himself from hospital and refused all available help as he insisted he already had a carer - MiL. MiL couldn't cope and didn't want to have to cope. It didn't end well.

This is the difficulty I,m afraid ,I presume your fil has been assessed as having capacity under the mental capacity act? I,m a mental health nurse I worked for six years in dementia care yes there is help available but if your fil is deemed as having capacity and refuses help there is not a lot that can be done unless of course your mil refuses to care for him ,would he listen to you and your family if you point out all the difficulties ?