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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset best friend has concealed pregnancy from me?

66 replies

mumofmad5 · 25/07/2014 12:37

Name changed regular.

Just received a text. "Just to let you know I am 6 months (nearly 7!) pregnant x"

Back story. Best friend of 16 years, went to school and uni together. I settled down very quickly after, had my children, whilst she went on to a very successful career and relocated to Australia. We have always kept in close contact, several times a week via email/skype/facebook etc.

She had been TTC for 2 years, was worried her clock was ticking (we are both approaching 40) and whilst I offered an ear for her and reassurance, I didn't keep asking as I didn't want her to feel under any more pressure. What is really weirding me out is that she has been complaining about not being pregnant, whilst she has been pregnant!

Don't get me wrong, I did not expect her to announce it as soon as she had POAS, but 7 months?! I am not an early sharer myself, but told her early on in my pregnancies and asked her to keep quiet.

I know this might sound silly, but I am now feeling like I need to review the friendship. I feel sad that I didn't share her (presumably) early joy, the excitement of having her first scan etc. I obviously congratulated her (I am so happy for her) but not really sure how I should react now.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

JimmyCorkhill · 25/07/2014 12:39

Is there any chance that she didn't know until now either? Or could it have been a very difficult pregnancy and now she feels safe enough to tell people?

Sweetmotherfudger · 25/07/2014 12:41

I think yabu. There is obviously a reason for her keeping it quiet that she hasn't felt comfortable discussing with you. Congratulate her and leave it at that.

Pumpkinpositive · 25/07/2014 12:42

What is really weirding me out is that she has been complaining about not being pregnant, whilst she has been pregnant

That's weird, I grant you. Taking method acting to the extreme.

The rest I can understand. Given how emotionally loaded this experience must be for her, and the fact she's not in the first flush of youth! I can well imagine keeping the news under my hat until as far along as poss.

Imnotaslimjim · 25/07/2014 12:42

It sounds to me like she didn't know rather than conceal it. Congratulate her and ask if she's only just found out

CarbeDiem · 25/07/2014 12:43

Yeah was going to say the same as above poster too.
Or maybe she had tests done, some of them are done quite late aren't they? although not as late as 7 mths I don't think, and she didn't want to announce until she was sure everything was ok.

HKat · 25/07/2014 12:43

Yes, I didn't know til pretty late on (18.5 weeks) so could be that - though she's obviously a lot further along. And, if she's been ttc,there's less likelihood of that being the case. Hmm. I can understand why you're hurt, but it might be width finding out a bit more about the circumstances before re-evaluating the friendship

NoSquirrels · 25/07/2014 12:43

I was just going to say any chance it has come as a surprise to her too? Otherwise that's totally odd behaviour, to talk about not being pregnant when you are.

Tons of reasons why she might have chosen not to share before now (tests, worries, personality etc.) but it's very odd if you've actually had conversations where she's brought it up and moaned about not being pregnant.

I'd have been upfront and said "wow, how long have you known?" in amongst the congrats etc. It would have opened up the conversation.

picnicbasketcase · 25/07/2014 12:44

The first thing if have said after congratulations would have been, 'why didn't you tell me until now??'

picnicbasketcase · 25/07/2014 12:45

^I'd, not if.

MamaLazarou · 25/07/2014 12:45

Bless her, she sounds as weirded out as you. Is she OK?

KitKat1985 · 25/07/2014 12:46

I can appreciate why you feel hurt but I suspect this is more to do with her than you. After so long TTC she probably was so scared of everything that she went into a bit of denial about being pregnant. Just congratulate her for now and I'm sure in time she will explain why she kept quiet. xxx

AnyFucker · 25/07/2014 12:48

That is odd that she actually carried on complaining that she hadn't conceived when she had

Unless it was a late presentation

BravePotato · 25/07/2014 12:49

maybe there were complications, maybe she thought she might have to abort the baby for whatever reason.

it is a very sensitive issue and she chose not share until now.

Get over it, is my advice. It is not about you, something is/was up in her life she did not want to share at the time. Could eb as simpel as not wanting to tempt fate.

DoJo · 25/07/2014 12:51

I think YABU, albeit understandably. If she has had trouble conceiving and was concerned about the viability of the pregnancy, then I can understand her possibly not wanting to share her news until she is absolutely sure. I waited until after my 20 week scan to tell the people I worked with at the time, and we didn't tell anyone (including parents) until after our 12 week scan, and even then I was really wary. If she has had a difficult road to conception, then she is probably super-sensitive, incredibly worried and probably finding it hard to believe herself that it's all happening.

You may feel sad that you didn't share her joy, but there honestly might not have been that much until now. If she has had trouble conceiving and disappointments in the past, then the first few months were probably more fraught with worry than unadulterated happiness, and if she didn't want to share that with you, then you just have to accept it. Her feelings are paramount, and although it might be disappointing, the chances that she was trying to protect herself and her own feelings rather than deliberately exclude you.

If she's a good friend and this is the only thing that has ever made you question her friendship, then I wouldn't start cooling things down just as she could need you most. It would be a shame to lose a friend just as she is getting the family she has wanted for so long.

CuttingOutTheCrap · 25/07/2014 12:51

Sounds odd, but I'd guess that she's had (or at least feared) complications and wanted to leave it as long as possible before telling people the news. If the two of you discussed her ttc often prior to her becoming pregnant, perhaps she felt it necessary to keep talking about it in case you guessed?

Not the same thing at all I know, but I did mention drinking etc to friends of mine before we announced i was pregnant, because the idea of NOT having had any wine would have been a dead give away in some circles!

Why not ask her why she waited so long before telling you?

Castlemilk · 25/07/2014 12:57

I certainly think you wouldn't be out of order to comment along the lines of 'Wow! Have you only just found out? I was thinking of our conversations recently where you were sad not to be pregnant - that's incredible, you must be really surprised!'

And then if she replies that actually she's known for months and had the scans etc. and was pretending, you can let your 'oh!' say volumes.

Fine to keep quiet about a pregnancy.
No-one else's business but your own.

But to pretend about it to a close friend and presumably listen to them sympathise and support you down the phone, then tell them you were pregnant all along, hurrah!! - not good, in fact quite an unpleasant way to make them feel a fool. She didn't have to do that to keep her pregnancy secret. I'd be angry and gutted and that friendship would change status in my head.

museumum · 25/07/2014 13:00

If you are close friends as it sounds you are then why haven't you already responded with "wow that's amazing congratulations how long have you known?" Etc etc. that would be my reaction with any friend I Skype or fb chat several times a week.

WatchingSeaMonkeys · 25/07/2014 13:00

I think you're being YABU, although the fact that your first thoughts are about yourself rather than her do suggest the friendship may not be what either of you thought it was....

museumum · 25/07/2014 13:02

How many weeks is 6 (nearly 7) months? Is it possibly she's just had amnio results through and wasn't sure till now if she would have the baby? - tread softly I think...

NatashaBee · 25/07/2014 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeanSeberg · 25/07/2014 13:13

I think it's strange that your first reaction is to want to reassess the friendship. I'd be more concerned that there had been problems and would want to see if she was OK so would ring her straight away.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 25/07/2014 13:20

YABU.

My friend was in similar situation - she was 4 months gone when she realised (thought she was going through menopause) then was in a state of shock and only told people at 7 months. It wasn't about me and this isn't about you.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 25/07/2014 13:22

Oh and my friend pretended she wasn't pregant too - lots of excuses why she couldn't drink etc which looking back were ridiculous. But I think it was a combination of being in denial and also not daring to believe everything would be ok as an older first time mother who hadn't been taking particularly great care of herself.

BridgettRousselot · 25/07/2014 13:23

It sounds like she only recently found out herself.

OhILoveAGoodNameChange · 25/07/2014 13:26

you need to focus on your friend. I has a miscarriage when a friend of over 25 yrs was staying and did not mention it.

because it was hard enough. however well meant, she could not help. I needed to be self contained.

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